I want to know

Celticroots · Nov 18, 2015

I don't know what I expect by writing this. I just need to vent. I lost a loved one to suicide several years ago. She believed in God, but wasn't a Christian. ( However I pray that she accepted Christ in those last minutes.)

I haven't thought about it much, but suddenly I find myself thinking about it a lot. I had an uncanny experience in which I believe God told me she is in Heaven.

I see a therapist and will be talking about this more at my next session. It's just hard because I thought I'd moved on.

I have depression as well and have been suicidal before. Medication has saved my life. And God too of course. Praise Him!

I pray that God will tell me my loved one is in Heaven. Do you think maybe He has answered me but I am just not listening?

No judgement please. Depression is an illness, not Satan out to get you. Keep in mind I know there are Christians who are aware that depression is an illness, but the ignorance of others is astounding.

It's hard sometimes because I still think suicide has a stigma around it, especially in the church.

singpeace · Nov 18, 2015

Celticroots said:
I don't know what I expect by writing this. I just need to vent. I lost a loved one to suicide several years ago. She believed in God, but wasn't a Christian. ( However I pray that she accepted Christ in those last minutes.)

I haven't thought about it much, but suddenly I find myself thinking about it a lot. I had an uncanny experience in which I believe God told me she is in Heaven.

I see a therapist and will be talking about this more at my next session. It's just hard because I thought I'd moved on.

I have depression as well and have been suicidal before. Medication has saved my life. And God too of course. Praise Him!

I pray that God will tell me my loved one is in Heaven. Do you think maybe He has answered me but I am just not listening?

No judgement please. Depression is an illness, not Satan out to get you. Keep in mind I know there are Christians who are aware that depression is an illness, but the ignorance of others is astounding.

It's hard sometimes because I still think suicide has a stigma around it, especially in the church.

Hi Celtic. It is nice to meet you although not under the best of circumstances. I appreciate your honesty in your thread concerning such a tragic experience.

First, let me say that I agree with you that depression is indeed an illness. Those who suffer chronic depression have actually shown to have receptors in the brain that misfire. Serotonin and other chemicals can't pass through the brain as they should. It is no different than someone with diabetes.

Second, let me say how very sorry I am for your loss. There is no greater loss than this kind of death. It leaves loved ones wounded beyond words. I try not to say "I know how you feel" too often because it isn't always true. Sadly in this case, I know exactly what you are going through. I have lost three family members to suicide in the past 7 years. Two of them were very near and dear to my husband and me. One, in particular, was so much a part of our lives and so dearly loved. He was my husband's brother, Jim. My husband and I believe with all our hearts that Jim is indeed in heaven. He suffered from severe mental illness which gradually progressed and which he fought it for many years. He loved the Lord and wanted to be like Jesus so much that he would go feed the homeless in downtown Atlanta every other week or so. Once he even brought a homeless man to the house and gave him a hot meal, a hot shower, and a warm bed to sleep in for the night. He was trying so hard to be 'good enough' to make it to heaven, but his illness prevented him from fully comprehending the idea of Christ's unconditional love for him. Jim did not kill himself; his illness killed him.

I believe your friend was absolutely not in her right mind at the moment she left this world. Anyone in their right mind just doesn't do it. We all have thought about it and some of us have even wished we would die in our sleep. But to actually reach the point of complete peace with that kind of decision means we no longer think with true comprehension.

I also believe that the Lord is so incredibly merciful that He knew what your friend would go through long before the foundation of the Earth. He was prepared and ready to open her heart and plant a little seed of faith. You see, our faith is not even our own. He is so merciful and loving that He himself gives us the little bit of faith we need so that we know and believe on Jesus Christ. I can't know your friend is with the Lord through my own power, but I can know it because I know Him. He is gracious, merciful, kind and loving enough to comfort us. He comforted you when He assured you that your friend was with him. And right now He has given you confirmation that what you felt was real, and it is true what He told you.

I know how hard it is to live after a suicide. It takes twice as long to get through the grieving process, and the pain is far more intense than any other kind of loss.

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. Keep on going even when depression says you don't feel like it. Go for you! If your friend could speak to you now, well, you knew her so you know what she would say to you. I bet she would want you to be happy, content with your life, healthy, secure, and safe. She would probably want you to take care of her friend.

I am assuming you are female. Your info under your avatar doesn't say. If I'm wrong, then please forgive me.

Father God in heaven, You are so loving, merciful and gracious to us. I thank You so much for your precious child Celtic. I thank You for Celtic's honesty and courage in writing this thread. I ask Lord that You would send awesome friends into Celtic's life. Give Celtic a rich, full, happy, content, and secure life. Let her make lots of memories that will make her laugh one day. Let this time in her life and the rest of her life be an adventure! Heal her wounds, Lord. Make her feel and sense your loving presence filling the room, and wrap your loving arms around her. Show her miracles and give her testimonies that she can one day share with someone else who may need Celtic's own ministry of love. Give her therapist wisdom and insight into everything she needs. In Jesus holy and precious name. Amen

1 Peter 4:12-13 “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.”

Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Psalm 34:17 “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.”

Celticroots · Nov 18, 2015

Thank you very much. I literally felt moved to tears reading this (happy tears.) I do believe God can work through people to answer prayers. I am a girl btw. I am sorry for you and your husband's loss as well.

Tempura · Nov 19, 2015

You have hope, and you loved a person dearly - still do. Those are all things we should strive for, and I do believe that God's grace goes beyond what we can understand. That is also something that I have struggled with; many see condemnation where I desperately need to see hope. I believe in a God that is love and works through love, faith and hope, and I believe Christ came to free us, not to put more chains on us.

Singpeace above gave a great, loving reply. I will also try, because this came to my mind:

I remember reading Martin Luther's thoughts about something that's mentioned in a few Paul's letters, about "carrying each other's burdens". Luther believed that it also means that we pray for others, as if to take their sins as if they were ours and put them in front of God, for their behalf. And not just about sins, but also about anything else too. And we are told that whatever we pray in the name of Christ where there are two, three or more present, we will get. And what would be a better prayer than a prayer of hope, not only for us, but our neighbors and loved ones? So let us pray:

Dear God, let Celticroots' departed friend be happy and without tears, and let them meet again. Strengthen our faith in your love and grace, and guide us with your hands. In the name of Christ Jesus, Amen.

Said a little prayer for you too. It's good that you're in therapy, it worked for me to some extent even though I was rebellious for so long. I guess it just takes a few of those sessions when you know that something has clicked, no matter how long it takes.

I must say I am inspired by people like you. Ones who want to see hope and love, instead of resorting to same old shackles and rules. Hope to hear from you again. Put your faith and heart in front of God, it will be alright.

gerbilwoman · Nov 19, 2015

Hi,

So sorry for your loss. That must be hard. I struggle from depression too.

Press On · Nov 19, 2015

Dear Celticroots,

I think everything that can be said has been said quite eloquently by others. So I'll just........... :hug:

Celticroots · Nov 19, 2015

Thank you everyone. I feel that God heard me because of the replies I've received. I wasn't expecting ones so loving. God bless all of you. <3

Tempura · Nov 19, 2015

Celticroots said:
Thank you everyone. I feel that God heard me because of the replies I've received. I wasn't expecting ones so loving. God bless all of you. <3

God bless you too, sister. Come say hi every once in a while. The more the merrier!

Jeshu · Nov 28, 2015

It is good to trust in the mercy of God dear friends but I feel that we may not forget the fact that God is not just a loving God but also a just God. The bible teaches that a murderer has no eternal life in them, we can't just go around killing human life, not our own life either. (1 John 3:15b) Murder is a godless deed and is strictly forbidden by God.

However God knows our state of mind when we are ill. When I was psychotic I have cursed Him in His face and ranted and raved at Him plenty of times. He forgave me even while I was doing it, though it took me a lot longer to forgive myself. When we are out of our mind then we don't know what we are doing and God knows that. He also knows that the devil overcomes people and causes them to do very bad things, just look at Judas Iscariot. I believe that the murderous spirituality that overcomes mentally ill people will be judged by God and will loose dominion over life, but its victims will all glorify God, as well as those who survived them.

I have been suicidal many times in my life and stood with the rope in my hand more than once, it can be extraordinarily hard to refuse the cold hard desire to end it all. When I was suicidal God's law didn't matter at all, only my desire to die was important. I've begged my wife to let me go. I have cruelly planned my own demise in minuscule detail. My wife and kids loved me that was what stopped me from killing myself and there were times I hated them for it. I humbly thank God that He preserved my life all those years of illness. He taught me to value my life even while undergoing extreme suffering.

I know that many don't survive and pray for their souls because I know that the spirit of suicide has no love nor mercy and it will shock them immensely to find out that they have been deceived by their ill mind and lost their lives in the process. We wants to wake up to knowing that?

Isn't it great that Jesus died for all sin? (1 John 2:2) In His love we can all find mercy and comfort loosing our loved ones to such a cruel ending.

Press On · Nov 28, 2015

Jeshu said:
It is good to trust in the mercy of God dear friends but I feel that we may not forget the fact that God is not just a loving God but also a just God. The bible teaches that a murderer has no eternal life in them, we can't just go around killing human life, not our own life either. (1 John 3:15b) Murder is a godless deed and is strictly forbidden by God.

However God knows our state of mind when we are ill. When I was psychotic I have cursed Him in His face and ranted and raved at Him plenty of times. He forgave me even while I was doing it, though it took me a lot longer to forgive myself. When we are out of our mind then we don't know what we are doing and God knows that. He also knows that the devil overcomes people and causes them to do very bad things, just look at Judas Iscariot. I believe that the murderous spirituality that overcomes mentally ill people will be judged by God and will loose dominion over life, but its victims will all glorify God, as well as those who survived them.

I have been suicidal many times in my life and stood with the rope in my hand more than once, it can be extraordinarily hard to refuse the cold hard desire to end it all. When I was suicidal God's law didn't matter at all, only my desire to die was important. I've begged my wife to let me go. I have cruelly planned my own demise in minuscule detail. My wife and kids loved me that was what stopped me from killing myself and there were times I hated them for it. I humbly thank God that He preserved my life all those years of illness. He taught me to value my life even while undergoing extreme suffering.

I know that many don't survive and pray for their souls because I know that the spirit of suicide has no love nor mercy and it will shock them immensely to find out that they have been deceived by their ill mind and lost their lives in the process. We wants to wake up to knowing that?

Isn't it great that Jesus died for all sin? (1 John 2:2) In His love we can all find mercy and comfort loosing our loved ones to such a cruel ending.

Your honesty is precious and refreshing, Gerry. God bless you.

Celticroots · Nov 30, 2015

I still don't believe that comparing suicide and murder is a just comparison. I think the mindset of one who is suicidal differs from someone who premeditated to kill someone else. Knowing I will see my friend again keeps me going.

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