Hey every one I need some advice on an issue I have with my husband. We have been married for 3 years now and I am currently 22 weeks pregnant with our second child. we are both devout Christians and try to live that way as well. however a few weeks ago I noticed my husband was locking the bathroom door and spending long amounts of time in there. he never locked the door before and I became suspicious and looked at our web search history. it had the usual news sites on there that he always looked up but right after that was inappropriate content that had been looked up twice in two days. I confronted him with what I saw and showed him the Times and dates it was looked up which was exactly the Times he was in the bathroom! But he assured me he would never do such a thing. I asked him if he was telling me the truth because I have not been wanting to be sexually intimate for the past couple months and he said even though he could not explain or justify why it was on his cell phone he promised God and myself and anything else that was holy that he would never bring filth like that into our home and that I should know by now how he feels about it. (we both agreed inappropriate content was a sinful perversion as Christians long before we married) but I could not get it off my mind and I accused him of lying to me and he became very upset with me and said he has done NO wrong. he has always been a great husband and father and I have never had a trust issue with him up until now. usually he is always touchy feely with me, hugs me and kisses me all the time and tells me he loves me multiple times a day but ever sence then he has barely spoke to me and has no kissed me or told me he loved me sence and vice versa on my part. I find it very hard to be around him and affectionate even though he has denied all accusations and cannot explain the search history I still find it hard to believe him and it makes me feel so fat and ugly knowing if it is truths he has to find sexual pleasure from other things rather then find it in his wife.I may just be overly sensitive because I am pregnant but l I want to do is scream and cry at him and he just says he would never do something like that. do I just say ok I believe you and forget I ever saw it on his phone or do i stand my ground until he confesses? this may not be a big deal to most but it is a very big form of betrayal if he did do it. I'm only 26 years old and new to ALL of this and I need advice as to what a Christian woman, mother and wife should do. please help....
how to fully trust your spouse after....
- Thread starter tippymoondawg
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ValleyGal
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You have not been sexually intimate for a couple of months, and likely you won't want to until after you've healed from having baby. Not that it's an excuse, but you need to own your own part in this, too. His sexual needs are being ignored. Even if you are not in the mood, you are still capable of meeting his needs, and you should. It is not right to deprive your husband. So whether he did look at inappropriate content or didn't, does not matter. What matters is that you start meeting his needs. Imo, a good start is to reconcile the relationship by owning up to this, and asking him to forgive you for neglecting his needs.
Like I said, that is no excuse to go looking at inappropriate content. If he is being dishonest and has actually viewed inappropriate content, he may surprise you by coming clean about it - after you own up to your own neglect and ask forgiveness - those actions on your part will pave the way for him to be more honest with you. However, if he is being honest about not viewing, he will likely continue to deny - and if that's the case, you need to let it go. This time. If this becomes a pattern after you start meeting his needs again, then you may need to revisit the discussion.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.
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Thanks so much for the advice the only issue is he acts like he dosent want me to meet or take care of any need he seems disinterested in me however when I was pregnant with my first child it was completely different he wanted to all the time.... I'm just not sure what to do oh he is not interested but yet claims he does not look at inappropriate content either
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ValleyGal
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He did not start acting this way until after you made your accusation. It is likely he is angry over the false accusation or defensive because he got caught. Either way, the first thing to do is reconcile the relationship. When you own up to your stuff and ask him to forgive you, leave it at that and let him deal with his hurt feelings or pride and come to a place of forgiveness.
Once the relationship is reconciled, if he does not start eventually wanting intimacy again, you should bring the matter up again, but in a non-accusatory way. You can explain the dates and times were directly correlated to the times he was in the washroom, and ask him if he can understand why you felt betrayed, and go on to explain that he has always been a great husband and you were just shocked that his phone would have something like that on it. Of course it is natural to have the thoughts you had, and hopefully he understands that if he caught the same on your phone, he would likely have felt betrayed as well. Talk about how you do not want the situation to destroy the intimacy between you, but again, own up to your own part in the lack of intimacy - and ask what it will take to reconcile the relationship.
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that is a great idea and I will ! my only problem is I do not know how to bring up our intimacy issue and apologize can you please give me some pointers as to how to start the conversation up ! without bringing the inappropriate content issue up in it too? we just usually never talk about stiff like that and I do no know how to start a convo off in that manner.....ideas please!
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ValleyGal
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When I need to make an amend with my husband, I usually start by saying something like "I owe you an apology and need to make an amend..." and go from there. I never bring up anything other than how I am in the wrong. If it were me in your shoes, I would say something like "I need to apologize to you. For the last couple of months, my hormones have been all over the place, and I just have not been in the mood to be sexually intimate. I know that this can have a real effect on a spouse as loving as you, and I just want you to know that I'm sorry. Even though I may not be in the mood, does not excuse me from meeting your needs. Please forgive me. I will make this up to you by not withdrawing sexually anymore. I do not want anything to come between us."
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NothingIsImpossible
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Men and woman have varied sex drives but usually for those people who maybe have a lower one, they don't understand the person who has a higher one. For that person with the higher sex drive sex is important to them. So sometimes those people when denied after awhile may slip and start doing things they shouldn't. At least he looked at inappropriate content as opposed to doing something with someone else. Of course its not an excuse to say "Well I only looked at inappropriate content so I'm not to bad!". Its still bad and addicting. He probably feels guilty now and its why hes not talking as much. It can eat you up inside when caught and your first response tends to be anger and blame. He should come around and act normal at some point.
Valleygirl gave alot of good advice. If your not sure how to approach the subject with him maybe just simply ask some basics like what would fulfill his sexual needs? How often...etc. Then tell him what your needs are. And obviously at this stage being pregnant he needs to realize your body is going through alot of changes. Though as said there are still ways to be intimate. Have you two ever done the 5 love languages test? You should take it. It was free online at one point but heres the site:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
For example my biggest language is physical (touch, sex...etc). My wifes is gifts (buying her flowers...etc). So if your husbands is like mine then likley thats what he desires most and once you know each others you can work on helping the other with their love language. I'll be praying for you two, especially him and his look at inappropriate content. Hopefully it was a one time (so to speak) thing and he won't do it anymore.
Valleygirl gave alot of good advice. If your not sure how to approach the subject with him maybe just simply ask some basics like what would fulfill his sexual needs? How often...etc. Then tell him what your needs are. And obviously at this stage being pregnant he needs to realize your body is going through alot of changes. Though as said there are still ways to be intimate. Have you two ever done the 5 love languages test? You should take it. It was free online at one point but heres the site:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
For example my biggest language is physical (touch, sex...etc). My wifes is gifts (buying her flowers...etc). So if your husbands is like mine then likley thats what he desires most and once you know each others you can work on helping the other with their love language. I'll be praying for you two, especially him and his look at inappropriate content. Hopefully it was a one time (so to speak) thing and he won't do it anymore.
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thank y'all so much for your advice. it has really helped me understand. my husband and I are not the kin of spouses who talk about sexual things and his sexual needs are usualy pretty "normal' which is why I was so shocked to see ornhub searched twice in two days and it is really hard to have conversations like that with him and vice versa. y'all have to understand he is 45andi am 26 that is a big age difference but still no excuse to act the way we both did. like I said lately I am VERY emotional crying like all the time and I was wondering if I left him an apologetic love letter would that be as affective as making him sit with me while I cry at him (haha) an that's usually how we get our feelings across after a big argument. also I will do my part and apologize but my only other concern is, as much as he was upset and denied everything I showed him and he even admitted he could not explain it but could never do that kinda thing sence he has been saved should I just take his word for it as a Christian wife as well an disregard what a saw in the search history? I mean it COULD have been a mistake misunderstanding because it is the unfiltered internet...right? I'm so worried about it not only if he did lie about looking at it which he has never lied to me as far as I know, but looking at some in else for sexual gratification is considered adultery in the eyes of God. my husband has also made that very clear to me in the bible to times before, I know I need to pray and I am so hard but have not found an answer to it yet. could some on please enlightened me on this as well?
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NothingIsImpossible
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To be totally honest and candid.... I for years when I was mad at God was into inappropriate content. It wasn't until later when became I changed and looked back and realized how inappropriate content works. You do one search and you see something of interest. In your mind your like "Thats great!" and you feel turned on. Then right away you need another fix and your mind is like "Hmm, what if I type something else and see what it shows?". So every time your mind wants something new and fresh. Sin gives you a false sense of reward, but its temporary. Hence why you always keep going back. Its live a virus in your mind that is hard to get rid of. And even once gone the devil doesn't give up, he will wait however long it takes (maybe decades) just to wait for the right time when theres a crack showing and he will try to temp you again. Hopefully though hes not addicted to it. Many people have to find accountability partners so they can stay in line. He should get one if he feels the inappropriate content is winning him over to much.
Well as for his search history I'd say one big problem in marriage is keeping lists of the bad things the other person did. Like "Remember that time when you got that speeding ticket!" or "Remember that time you swore at me in anger!". That will put up defenses and make the marriage fall apart if pushed to far. You won't know for sure if it was a mistake or not, though you don't accidently type some words twice in a row. Its like saying "I meant to type burgers but typed naked ladies on accident!". Now I have a adblocker on my computer because sometimes ads popup that show things I don't want to see. If you really wanted to be sure theres a program (by christians) and its free. Well they only ask for a name and email, but they never give it out to anyone of course. http://www1.k9webprotection.com/get-k9-web-protection-free
Depending on your level of "geek" when it comes to computer its easy to setup. They do have a tutorial of course if your not great with computers. You can turn on filters to block adult content or even keywords like "Sex". And it keeps a history of it all. You can even add a password so he can't turn it off. And lets say someone messes up and tries to clear its history, it doesn't remove the last 3 days of history so evidence can't be hidden . Again this is all assuming he looked on purpose. Worse comes to worse you two can always find a counselor or talk to a pastor. Last I seen something like 85% of christians have seen inappropriate content. And out of those most have some sort of addiction to it. And lastly of course pray, pray and pray.
Well as for his search history I'd say one big problem in marriage is keeping lists of the bad things the other person did. Like "Remember that time when you got that speeding ticket!" or "Remember that time you swore at me in anger!". That will put up defenses and make the marriage fall apart if pushed to far. You won't know for sure if it was a mistake or not, though you don't accidently type some words twice in a row. Its like saying "I meant to type burgers but typed naked ladies on accident!". Now I have a adblocker on my computer because sometimes ads popup that show things I don't want to see. If you really wanted to be sure theres a program (by christians) and its free. Well they only ask for a name and email, but they never give it out to anyone of course. http://www1.k9webprotection.com/get-k9-web-protection-free
Depending on your level of "geek" when it comes to computer its easy to setup. They do have a tutorial of course if your not great with computers. You can turn on filters to block adult content or even keywords like "Sex". And it keeps a history of it all. You can even add a password so he can't turn it off. And lets say someone messes up and tries to clear its history, it doesn't remove the last 3 days of history so evidence can't be hidden . Again this is all assuming he looked on purpose. Worse comes to worse you two can always find a counselor or talk to a pastor. Last I seen something like 85% of christians have seen inappropriate content. And out of those most have some sort of addiction to it. And lastly of course pray, pray and pray.
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I've seen stats that show 25 to 48% of Christian men view inappropriate content on a regular basis. Christian men are specifically targeted by inappropriate content sites because they will be the ones drawn into it the quickest. Like teenagers who have grown up in an overly protected environment .and fly to the four winds when they enter the world. This is no excuse, because every action is a choice. Yet remember he was specifically targeted by professional marketers exploiting weakness in others. Still no reason to excuse it. Your husband is living in a secret shame so dark he feels that telling you about it in confession may destroy a relationship he cherishes. He is worried about the pain a confession will bring to you personally and may never be able to confess it to you. This problem wont be solved by getting him to confess his guilt. You may or may not be able to restore right relation ship if he does admit to viewing inappropriate content. He is dwelling in shame and feels unworthy to touch you in all likely hood. Men will seldom act maturely when confronted in this. We are already so shaken to our core by our actions, men who enter adolatrous relationships do so with a willingness, no one says I picked up inappropriate content willingly in that sense. It starts with shame and ends in shame for a Christian man. This isn't an excuse for him though. I'm telling you this because of what the 2 of you are up against. Please don't go at this as if it's just a relationship issue that can be handled like any other. You may never feel the shame your husband is feeling right now.
Could you ever trust him again? You could never fully trust him on this issue in the first place. This can and has occurred with many of the most spiritually minded men you thought would never have done this. This is no reason to excuse it though, God doesn't. I cant tell you how you personally should respond to this. But I recommend using the grace and mercy of God as the start. Forgive him before you confront him. Remember, he wont be able to express how much he loves you when he is swallowed up in shame. This will be painful and long term. May God be your help as you go through this together. And even if you become satisfied with the outcome your husband may never privately be able to look himself in the eye again.
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Thank u all so much for the advice an especially from Harfelugan that pretty muched summed it up with how we act with each other bringing up past things. I just was not sure if looking at inappropriate content in a sexual gratification matter were grounds divorce in the eyes of God because he does call it adultery. and my husband it's not like as far as I know that he has a problem, he is by no means computer savvy and this was the only time I saw it in our search history because I do have safe locks on all of our synced phones and computers because of our children however the thing I have been struggling with is the idea of him no want in me for sexual intimacy and went to another woman rather it be real or picture. but I agree with everyone! I have not made an effort to take care of his needs and I will confront him on that even though that gives him no excuse to look at other women in lust but like I said before he denies all of it and constantly when a matter like that is brought up in conversation p anything he tell ! everyone I is a sexual and sinful perversion that God hates because it is one of the most addictive things out there...however my mind still wonders if I was lied to or not but I have no proof other then two searches that happened 2 weeks ago. so i will own up to my mistake of accusing him after he swore to me and God he was telling the truth (even if it was true or a lie) I mean as Christians all we have is God and we have to take the word of others and pray it is true and give it to God to take care of the rest...right? and he does have to understand I am in emotional turmoil from this pregnancy and I can't control it...I pray it is nothing serious or an addiction I was not aware of but again I will give it to God and start being the best wife, mother and Christian I can be...that's what I should do right...?
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NothingIsImpossible
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Sounds like a good plan. Talk, pray, forgive and grow stronger together because of this trial!
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Dan61861
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The apology is really simple. Roll over in bed, softly kiss him letting the mood grow. As you gently kiss his neck, softly whisper in his ear, baby I miss this so much. Kiss around his neck and whisper again your need for him. It is something men and women need to hear. Than you can whisper, baby i'm sorry for letting our closeness dwindle lately, I really need and enjoy making love to you. Your door is open...the conversation will flow.
As for his sin with inappropriate content, turn it over to the Lord. If he has a close relationship with Christ...God will deal with it in His time. Remember, in marriage two sinners are becoming one. Both of you will fall, yet together you stand up in Christ...repenting and moving forward with the Lord.
You are in my prayers. God has chosen to love you, choose to love your husband as Christ loves you. Forgiveness within a marriage strengthens your bond.
In Christ
Daniel
As for his sin with inappropriate content, turn it over to the Lord. If he has a close relationship with Christ...God will deal with it in His time. Remember, in marriage two sinners are becoming one. Both of you will fall, yet together you stand up in Christ...repenting and moving forward with the Lord.
You are in my prayers. God has chosen to love you, choose to love your husband as Christ loves you. Forgiveness within a marriage strengthens your bond.
In Christ
Daniel
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that's a great idea and exactly what I did I apologized to him for accusing him after he promised the truth and told hmm how I have been feeling because of pregnancy mainly and told him I loved him and did not want anything to come between us. so my heart and conscious is clear now and I hope he us telling the truth and his is too. thank u all so much for all of the advice I really want to be a good Christian wife and mother but I am still so new to it all! and all of you have really helped me out in this matter. he even kissed me and is talking to me again like nothing ever happened please continue to pray for us and our marriage to but Godly and strong and I will also pray for all of y'all!
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Please remember that adultery may be listed as grounds for divorce. It's not a command to divorce. Your not obligated by scripture to make that decision. The choice will always be yours. I'm thinking God loves both of you to much to make it a, "thou shalt be divorced". No on gets to pressure you on this.
Take no personal blame for your husbands decisions, even if you think you could have kept it from happening. If he did this, he alone is to blame. He would want you to know this if he could get himself to discuss it with you. Unless he is shallow or immature. Yet only the two of you can work through this, if you choose, you are his best chance of help through it. Love is a painful as well as joyful gift of God.
I'm sure you know this already, I just got a bit nervous with parts of your post. My apologies for butting in. Feel like I've overstepped my bounds and need to step away. God's blessings on your family.
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you did not overstepped u really did help me out ! I do no blame myself for anything he may have or not have done all I can do is take his word on it because I have no other proof... and if he is lying then God will have to be the one to deal with his heart and I guess show me the trut? I was just in clear about divorcing if it did happen or if that was extreme? but like I said, he continues to deny any wrong doing so I have to rely on Go for the rest until I am shown other words right?
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Avniel
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Valley and nothing had some really great advice. Marriage is about totally being in love with the other person and making those hard sacrifices.
Right, two wrongs are typically how I see most threads.
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