I caught my dad watching inappropriate content

tomatocarrot · Nov 23, 2015

I am an agnostic for a year now. I used to be a christian and my family is a very religious kind of parents. My dad is a leader in our church, and my mom is one of the speaker in my church (not a preacher). They have been teaching me about Jesus for my whole life and I believed in Him until some kind of accidents in my life. My mom and dad are still a christian though.
I am an 18 years old girl. One day, I caught my dad watching inappropriate content on his cellphone. I was in shock. He always asks me to pray together early in the morning and tells me about Jesus all the time and how great is his God. He is a leader in our church and who knows that he was such a bastard.
I was crying and told my dad not to tell my mom. I wont tell her either because she is a super sensitive person. I live separated from my parents because I am going to a university, but now I dont want to meet them, because I dont know how to face them or talk to my parents anymore. Please help me.

paul1149 · Nov 23, 2015

That's a tough one. A lot depends on your dad's response. Maybe you should tell your dad what a difficult and painful position this puts you in with regard to your mom, and you don't want to start keeping secrets. Because he needs to take responsibility for that.

We're all tempted and sometimes it's hard not to fall. It doesn't necessarily mean your dad in a hypocrite or doesn't believe what he's been preaching. It does mean he's human and needs help, as do we all. This will, I think, put strain on the marriage, which won't be easy. But with God, even bad things can work for the good, in this case, perhaps bringing better communication and mutual support.

1watchman · Nov 23, 2015

Sex and other lusts of the flesh are very strong, Carrot, and Satan knows how to use various lusts to stumble one and make them fail in their walk. Your dad should acknowledge to you his failure in the flesh to view a inappropriate content thing, and you should not dwell on it ---maybe show understanding to him. You will have occasions to lust after something too, I suppose, but that is why God gave Christians the note in 1 Jn. 1:8-10. A true "born again" believer in the Lord Jesus Christ is forgiven, but always has the old nature in one which must be judged daily. Please rise above your doom feeling, confess the Lord Jesus and make Him your best Friend. Don't deny the Lord or turn from Him, and don't let what you happened to see to be your stumbling block in your walk. Look up, for God cares!

BrianKay · Nov 23, 2015

Everyone sins. The Bible tells us that. I don't think your dad is a bad person just because he has a weakness. Who doesn't?
Even if he was a bad person, he is your father and you don't get to choose when it comes to parents. Not honouring your father will make your life miserable I tell you.
The fact that you're an agnostic who comes from such a family points to a frosty relationship even before the inappropriate content thing. That needs to be fixed. When I was your age I thought I was now a grown up who could think independently and I started seeing all these faults in my parents. Now that I'm wiser, I know better.
Stop thinking you're an equal with you father because you're not.
Please edit your post and remove the word "thingy".

tomatocarrot · Nov 27, 2015

paul1149 said:
That's a tough one. A lot depends on your dad's response. Maybe you should tell your dad what a difficult and painful position this puts you in with regard to your mom, and you don't want to start keeping secrets. Because he needs to take responsibility for that.

We're all tempted and sometimes it's hard not to fall. It doesn't necessarily mean your dad in a hypocrite or doesn't believe what he's been preaching. It does mean he's human and needs help, as do we all. This will, I think, put strain on the marriage, which won't be easy. But with God, even bad things can work for the good, in this case, perhaps bringing better communication and mutual support.

My mom is a super sensitive kind of person. I am afraid that she'd get hurt, she has nothing to do with this. But I dont know how to react when they come. My dad told me that he wont watch inappropriate content again, but I have a trust issue, the problem is I dont believe him at all. What should I do when I meet them? I dont want to hurt my mom...

1watchman said:
Sex and other lusts of the flesh are very strong, Carrot, and Satan knows how to use various lusts to stumble one and make them fail in their walk. Your dad should acknowledge to you his failure in the flesh to view a inappropriate content thing, and you should not dwell on it ---maybe show understanding to him. You will have occasions to lust after something too, I suppose, but that is why God gave Christians the note in 1 Jn. 1:8-10. A true "born again" believer in the Lord Jesus Christ is forgiven, but always has the old nature in one which must be judged daily. Please rise above your doom feeling, confess the Lord Jesus and make Him your best Friend. Don't deny the Lord or turn from Him, and don't let what you happened to see to be your stumbling block in your walk. Look up, for God cares!

Thank you for your concern. I dont know how to understand him after all. Tell me how to.

BrianKay said:
Everyone sins. The Bible tells us that. I don't think your dad is a bad person just because he has a weakness. Who doesn't?
Even if he was a bad person, he is your father and you don't get to choose when it comes to parents. Not honouring your father will make your life miserable I tell you.
The fact that you're an agnostic who comes from such a family points to a frosty relationship even before the inappropriate content thing. That needs to be fixed. When I was your age I thought I was now a grown up who could think independently and I started seeing all these faults in my parents. Now that I'm wiser, I know better.
Stop thinking you're an equal with you father because you're not.
Please edit your post and remove the word "thingy".

Dear briakay, Im sorry to tell you this but I have tried to fix me and I gave up. I have my own story why I am an agnostic. I do honour my father. I just dont know how to treat him the same after all he did.
Oh btw I removed it already. Just because I dont believe, doesnt mean I dont respect

paul1149 · Nov 27, 2015

tomatocarrot said:
My mom is a super sensitive kind of person. I am afraid that she'd get hurt, she has nothing to do with this. But I dont know how to react when they come. My dad told me that he wont watch inappropriate content again, but I have a trust issue, the problem is I dont believe him at all. What should I do when I meet them? I dont want to hurt my mom...

Reputedly, Thomas Jefferson said that "Jesus Christ purifies the waters at the fountainhead". God's ways are not always easy. He does things right, and sometimes it's costly in the short run.

It seems to me you have a choice to make here, and whatever you choose there are going to be profound consequences. From what I read, it seems like the state of the family's relationships are on very shaky ground. No one is really dealing with root issues. Everyone is playing a maintenance role, trying not to upset the apple cart. But it seems it has not really been working, except perhaps in appearance. Your mother is not being healed, your father is not being satisfied. And the lack of genuineness has sent you packing, in terms of spirituality, looking for something real.

You can now take your place in the existing arrangement by also not dealing with the root issues. Or you can begin to address them. It's your father's choice whether to tell your mother. But it's your choice how much you will engage with them. Probably the thing to do is face your dad and tell him this puts you in a painful and difficult situation, because family should be about coming together and helping one another, and you want to have an honest relationship with your mom, and you're finding it hard to carry the burden of this. If there is no change, it may be that the only solution is to put some distance between them and yourself.

I can't tell you what to choose, but as for how to choose, I would give it some serious thought over a period of time. Find the way forward that affords the most peace and clarity, consistent with both forgiveness and doing what is right.

Let me just add that Jesus is all about integrity. Christians fail (eg Peter, both before and after the Resurrection and Pentecost - Mk 14; Gal 2), churches fail (1&2 Cor; Gal; Rev 2,3). But God does not fail. He has set the standard, and indwells us by Holy Spirit, but even so Peter eventually learned to say that "a righteous man is barely saved". (1Pe 4.18; cf 2Pe 2.18).

Please consider how experiences in life may have affected your perception of Jesus. If you let the weaknesses and failings of man keep you away from Him, that would be a real tragedy. Give that truth time to percolate in your mind. And whatever you decide, wherever you go in life, remember that Jesus is by far the most faithful lover of your soul, always just a heartfelt prayer away.

tomatocarrot · Nov 27, 2015

paul1149 said:
Reputedly, Thomas Jefferson said that "Jesus Christ purifies the waters at the fountainhead". God's ways are not always easy. He does things right, and sometimes it's costly in the short run.

It seems to me you have a choice to make here, and whatever you choose there are going to be profound consequences. From what I read, it seems like the state of the family's relationships are on very shaky ground. No one is really dealing with root issues. Everyone is playing a maintenance role, trying not to upset the apple cart. But it seems it has not really been working, except perhaps in appearance. Your mother is not being healed, your father is not being satisfied. And the lack of genuineness has sent you packing, in terms of spirituality, looking for something real.

You can now take your place in the existing arrangement by also not dealing with the root issues. Or you can begin to address them. It's your father's choice whether to tell your mother. But it's your choice how much you will engage with them. Probably the thing to do is face your dad and tell him this puts you in a painful and difficult situation, because family should be about coming together and helping one another, and you want to have an honest relationship with your mom, and you're finding it hard to carry the burden of this. If there is no change, it may be that the only solution is to put some distance between them and yourself.

I can't tell you what to choose, but as for how to choose, I would give it some serious thought over a period of time. Find the way forward that affords the most peace and clarity, consistent with both forgiveness and doing what is right.

Let me just add that Jesus is all about integrity. Christians fail (eg Peter, both before and after the Resurrection and Pentecost - Mk 14; Gal 2), churches fail (1&2 Cor; Gal; Rev 2,3). But God does not fail. He has set the standard, and indwells us by Holy Spirit, but even so Peter eventually learned to say that "a righteous man is barely saved". (1Pe 4.18; cf 2Pe 2.18).

Please consider how experiences in life may have affected your perception of Jesus. If you let the weaknesses and failings of man keep you away from Him, that would be a real tragedy. Give that truth time to percolate in your mind. And whatever you decide, wherever you go in life, remember that Jesus is by far the most faithful lover of your soul, always just a heartfelt prayer away.

My father already told me that he'd tell my mom, but I told him not to. I decided not to tell my mom. But how should I face my parents when they come? They are going to visit me this weekend and I dont know whether I can act normal or not.

paul1149 · Nov 27, 2015

Ultimately the decision to tell his wife or not is his alone, and he needs to take full responsibility for it either way. But as for you, why did you tell him not to tell her? Are you concerned that your mother could not handle it? Or are you afraid for your own reasons? I do understand taking into account her condition, and this most probably will not be an easy thing to deal with, but it seems to me that if there's any path to resolution of this problem, and indeed to healing of the real root issues at play here, confession is the first step. Wouldn't it be better to deal with it now, rather than allow it to fester and become something worse? Or can this be successfully dealt with without telling her?

BrianKay · Nov 27, 2015

Let him tell her. It's often the case that mothers are stronger and more forgiving than we give them credit for. Remember this may only a big deal to you not to her. She pro'ly has made more shocking discoveries on her own. Believe me, you can't know that man more than she does.
If I were you, I would show my father the love and support he needs to deal with this. He needs you on his side. You know he has a problem. So does he. He doesn't need you to judge him. He's pro'ly doing that to himself already.
Don't ask yourself how you're going to treat him unless you're convinced that your dad answers to you, which I would find strange

Yeshuas_My_Freedom · Nov 27, 2015

You're keeping your dad's sin from your mom?

Tell you dad he's backsliding and he's letting down his role as leader of the church and God see's it all. Give him an ultimatum as is in scripture. Tell him to confess to your mother his sin, or you'll tell her. He's committing adultery watching inappropriate contentography. Remember what Jesus said? A man that looks with lust upon a woman not his wife for him it is the same as committing adultery in his heart.

Doesn't your mother deserve better? Her trust in your father is marred by this betrayal. The church deserves better too. You found it once but this doesn't mean that's the first time your father has watched inappropriate content on his phone.

You're embarrassed and that's understandable. However, your mother is betrayed and that's far worse. And your father is a hypocrite and that is something God see's whether you face it and deal with it or not God will. Your dad isn't repentant when he's doing this to your mother.

God be with you.

tomatocarrot said:
I am an agnostic for a year now. I used to be a christian and my family is a very religious kind of parents. My dad is a leader in our church, and my mom is one of the speaker in my church (not a preacher). They have been teaching me about Jesus for my whole life and I believed in Him until some kind of accidents in my life. My mom and dad are still a christian though.
I am an 18 years old girl. One day, I caught my dad watching inappropriate content on his cellphone. I was in shock. He always asks me to pray together early in the morning and tells me about Jesus all the time and how great is his God. He is a leader in our church and who knows that he was such a bastard.
I was crying and told my dad not to tell my mom. I wont tell her either because she is a super sensitive person. I live separated from my parents because I am going to a university, but now I dont want to meet them, because I dont know how to face them or talk to my parents anymore. Please help me.

tomatocarrot · Nov 27, 2015

paul1149 said:
Ultimately the decision to tell his wife or not is his alone, and he needs to take full responsibility for it either way. But as for you, why did you tell him not to tell her? Are you concerned that your mother could not handle it? Or are you afraid for your own reasons? I do understand taking into account her condition, and this most probably will not be an easy thing to deal with, but it seems to me that if there's any path to resolution of this problem, and indeed to healing of the real root issues at play here, confession is the first step. Wouldn't it be better to deal with it now, rather than allow it to fester and become something worse? Or can this be successfully dealt with without telling her?

I dont knowww. Im hoping that maybe without telling anyone we will be fixed. Maybe without seeking help he will be okay. Maybe he can deal with it himself. Im hoping that his faith in God can make him deal with it .

BrianKay said:
Let him tell her. It's often the case that mothers are stronger and more forgiving than we give them credit for. Remember this may only a big deal to you not to her. She pro'ly has made more shocking discoveries on her own. Believe me, you can't know that man more than she does.
If I were you, I would show my father the love and support he needs to deal with this. He needs you on his side. You know he has a problem. So does he. He doesn't need you to judge him. He's pro'ly doing that to himself already.
Don't ask yourself how you're going to treat him unless you're convinced that your dad answers to you, which I would find strange

One thing that I know for sure is this gonna be a big deal for my mom. Then, what's gonna happen after he tells her??

Yeshuas_My_Freedom said:
You're keeping your dad's sin from your mom?

Tell you dad he's backsliding and he's letting down his role as leader of the church and God see's it all. Give him an ultimatum as is in scripture. Tell him to confess to your mother his sin, or you'll tell her. He's committing adultery watching inappropriate contentography. Remember what Jesus said? A man that looks with lust upon a woman not his wife for him it is the same as committing adultery in his heart.

Doesn't your mother deserve better? Her trust in your father is marred by this betrayal. The church deserves better too. You found it once but this doesn't mean that's the first time your father has watched inappropriate content on his phone.

You're embarrassed and that's understandable. However, your mother is betrayed and that's far worse. And your father is a hypocrite and that is something God see's whether you face it and deal with it or not God will. Your dad isn't repentant when he's doing this to your mother.

God be with you.

I already told him and he said he was sorry. He said that he wont do it again.

1watchman · Nov 28, 2015

tomatocarrot said:
My father already told me that he'd tell my mom, but I told him not to. I decided not to tell my mom. But how should I face my parents when they come? They are going to visit me this weekend and I dont know whether I can act normal or not.

What do you mean you "...don't know whether I can act normal or not". Do you not know how to be respectful of parents, even though they fail? It isn't as though your father did something against you. He FAILED, as I said before, so you might at least be able to take him at his word, that he will quit (or at least try to). You sound like you wish to keep the matter alive forevermore. Leave it with the Lord! I just hope you never fail, but be sure that you will! God can and will forgive sins if one confesses it. Mankind will always sin ---like a fellow said one time: "Fish got to swim; birds got to fly; and man has got to sin ---that is what they do best". The Lord Jesus died to forgive sinners and give them a new life (not a perfect one, for we always have the flesh with us), but He gives a desire in the heart to live for the Lord. Satan will always seek to dissuade, discourage, and draw one away from the Lord. Look up always!

tomatocarrot · Nov 28, 2015

I dont know how to make it go away. I cannot acknowledge him anymore. He used to preach about inappropriate content and stuffs and he did it.

paul1149 · Nov 29, 2015

tomatocarrot said:
I dont know how to make it go away. I cannot acknowledge him anymore. He used to preach about inappropriate content and stuffs and he did it.

You make the pain go away by forgiving. To forgive means to "send away". Forgive, and be free. Do you know how many people have been hurt by parents and because they did not forgive them ended up with the same failings as the parents? Alcoholism, emotional coldness, judgmentalism, disposition toward anger, you name it. Life works that way. What you focus on, you become, because you give it power. Focus on the hurt and disappointment and broken trust, and you either will do the same thing or you will destroy yourself and everyone you love trying not to in your own strength.

Forgive. That doesn't mean to automatically trust again. That's a different issue. You have not spent much time talking about your dad's feelings in this matter. If he is sincere, there is a basis for working together to rebuild trust. And maybe to rebuild it right, in a way better than in really ever was. God can work ALL things for good when we let Him (Rom. 8.28)

You also haven't gone into what "accidents" led you away from Christ. I'm not trying to probe for unnecessary specifics here, but basically what was it that stumbled you? Maybe this incident is here to prompt your own self-examination, about where you are with your parents regarding forgiving their human imperfection (not just this incident), and where you are with God regarding the forgiveness of your own human imperfection. This is a matter of unequaled importance, because what we give out is what we end up getting (Mat 7.2). Get this right.

Aelred of Rievaulx · Nov 29, 2015

tomatocarrot said:
I am an agnostic for a year now. I used to be a christian and my family is a very religious kind of parents. My dad is a leader in our church, and my mom is one of the speaker in my church (not a preacher). They have been teaching me about Jesus for my whole life and I believed in Him until some kind of accidents in my life. My mom and dad are still a christian though.
I am an 18 years old girl. One day, I caught my dad watching inappropriate content on his cellphone. I was in shock. He always asks me to pray together early in the morning and tells me about Jesus all the time and how great is his God. He is a leader in our church and who knows that he was such a bastard.
I was crying and told my dad not to tell my mom. I wont tell her either because she is a super sensitive person. I live separated from my parents because I am going to a university, but now I dont want to meet them, because I dont know how to face them or talk to my parents anymore. Please help me.

Think of it this way, watching inappropriate contentography is something that most people do and no one talks about. You're just in shock because it's something that no one wants to catch their family doing. Being religious has nothing to do with this.

ViaCrucis · Nov 29, 2015

Aelred of Rievaulx said:
Think of it this way, watching inappropriate contentography is something that most people do and no one talks about. You're just in shock because it's something that no one wants to catch their family doing. Being religious has nothing to do with this.

This pretty much.

Which isn't to say that there aren't ethical ramifications, in a marriage there is a matter of trust between spouses. I'm not married, though one of my married friends put it quite well when he told me that for him it's a problem because from his wife's viewpoint it is a form of betrayal. And it's not really a matter whether she should feel that way or not, but because of her own insecurities it is a matter of trust between them that he do his best to make her feel loved and supported and not do things that would hurt her. It's about coming from a place of love, compassion, and trust. That's a far more important issue than the mere "morality" factor of inappropriate contentography itself.

Which also gets us to this: This really is just between the OP's parents, it's not really her business. It's certainly shocking and unpleasant. I'm a man in my 30's and I still wouldn't want to catch my father viewing inappropriate contentography or looking up naked images--there's a definite ick factor there. By the same token I consider myself very fortunate that I never walked into my parents bedroom to catch them doing the deed.

There is a matter of the father's hypocrisy also, in that preaching against the viewing of inappropriate contentography and then indulging in it himself that is a rather blatant example of hypocrisy--that is of course an issue that he will have to deal with himself. That said, it always remains important that hypocrisy is part of the sinful human condition, because we are all sinners we all know that God commands that we live upright and holy lives, but that we fail to do this--that's why we do not trust upon our own strength and effort to be holy but instead trust upon the mercy and love of God in Christ who forgives us all our sins, freely.

That doesn't mean that we should ignore our own hypocrisy, on the contrary, that's why we are called to regular confession and repentance. It's why the Church, historically, has always had Confession and Absolution, both private and corporate. As a sacred space in which we confess our sins and hear the words of God's forgiveness.

So there certainly are issues involved here, though I feel that the ick factor might be overexerting itself in the OP, in addition there is a culture of purity that tends to place sexual indiscretions, sins, and errors at a much higher level of wrongness than others, which is a topic of its own.

I assume the OP is still a young person, and I trust that in time they'll realize that the awkwardness of this will go away. This certainly isn't a case of major tragedy; though it is always difficult when children discover their parents aren't as great as they may have once thought--that parents are just as flawed as they themselves are.

-CryptoLutheran

bling · Nov 29, 2015

This is a tough one; we just cannot rely on anyone for our salvation other than Jesus Christ. You respect your dad needs lots of help because this is not easy to deal with. There are things that can be set on his computer and phone that notifies the people he loves of all the sites he is visiting.

He might join a support group (we have one at our church and men that are leaders in our congregation attend because they have a problem).

The church is not a place for perfect people, but a hospital that helps people.

Telling people their wrong does not always help to stop them from doing wrong, but moving up beside them and working with them can help.

The Bible is full of big time sinners, with some making huge changes.

Let your father know you Love him and this has hurt you.

Your mom has lived long enough to see lots of people go through lots of problems.

Your dad could start a group for recovering inappropriate content addiction, hopefully the church can handle it (confessing can be good for the soul but hard on the reputation).

The big thing is to give your dad, like we all need, something good to do and not have time to get caught up in inappropriate content, let him know you need him to use his “inappropriate content time” to study and pray for/with you.

Unfortunately “secular” counselling may see the problem as your problem and not his, since they might not see any problem with inappropriate content.

Tishri1 · Nov 29, 2015

tomatocarrot said:
I am an agnostic for a year now. I used to be a christian and my family is a very religious kind of parents. My dad is a leader in our church, and my mom is one of the speaker in my church (not a preacher). They have been teaching me about Jesus for my whole life and I believed in Him until some kind of accidents in my life. My mom and dad are still a christian though.
I am an 18 years old girl. One day, I caught my dad watching inappropriate content on his cellphone. I was in shock. He always asks me to pray together early in the morning and tells me about Jesus all the time and how great is his God. He is a leader in our church and who knows that he was such a bastard.
I was crying and told my dad not to tell my mom. I wont tell her either because she is a super sensitive person. I live separated from my parents because I am going to a university, but now I dont want to meet them, because I dont know how to face them or talk to my parents anymore. Please help me.

Hi tomatocarrot, Im sooooo sorry you caught your Dad watching inappropriate content. That is a huge thing to bear alone. Im soooo sorry that happened to you.

TheyCallMeDave · Nov 30, 2015

tomatocarrot said:
I am an agnostic for a year now. I used to be a christian and my family is a very religious kind of parents. My dad is a leader in our church, and my mom is one of the speaker in my church (not a preacher). They have been teaching me about Jesus for my whole life and I believed in Him until some kind of accidents in my life. My mom and dad are still a christian though.
I am an 18 years old girl. One day, I caught my dad watching inappropriate content on his cellphone. I was in shock. He always asks me to pray together early in the morning and tells me about Jesus all the time and how great is his God. He is a leader in our church and who knows that he was such a bastard.
I was crying and told my dad not to tell my mom. I wont tell her either because she is a super sensitive person. I live separated from my parents because I am going to a university, but now I dont want to meet them, because I dont know how to face them or talk to my parents anymore. Please help me.

Place a small picture of Jesus wedged into his computer screen .

Tallguy88 · Nov 30, 2015

A lot of good, decent people struggle with inappropriate content usage or even addiction. You may have caught him in a moment of weakness. Even very religious people struggle with this temptation. A story I once heard from a Priest was that a young monk asked a wise older monk "when do the sexual temptations stop?" And the older monk answered "About five minutes after they bury you."

The point is that it is not surprising your father struggles with this. As his daughter, I'd say you are about the worst person to try and talk with him about it. I would suggest not bringing the issue up with either parent unless it happens again.

You say you're an agnostic. Maybe you could try to pray for your father to receive the graces of chastity and fidelity. Chastity doesn't mean he doesn't have sex or sexual thoughts, only that he will direct them in the appropriate direction: towards his wife.

I caught my dad watching inappropriate content

Member

that your faith might rest in the power of God

Overseer

Active Member

Member

that your faith might rest in the power of God

Member

that your faith might rest in the power of God

Active Member

Put your faith in charge, not your fears!

Member

Overseer

Member

that your faith might rest in the power of God

Well-Known Member

Confessional Lutheran

Regular Member

Well-Known Member

At your service....

We shall see the King when he comes!

Similar threads