Modification of Child support tarnishing the reputation of the other parent.

SelfProtect · Nov 13, 2015

I have been a single Mom for 22 years so I have experience dealing with co-parenting and have always prided myself with not bad-mouthing the ex in front of the kids. Sometimes even lying to the kids to protect them from the truth and tarnishing the reputation of the other parent. However, I have recently been placed in a situation and I’m not sure what to do.

My 16 year old stepdaughter was dropped off on 11/7 with all her belongings.

Bio mom is planning to move to another city to get her life together.

Bio mom doesn’t work and has not worked in 9 years

Bio moms boyfriend didn’t work for about a year but recently started working. That relationship maybe ending.

We have explained to Bio mom that we don’t want child support. We only want to not have to pay her child support and just asked her to give us the money she is getting until we all figure out what her permanent situation will be. Basically bio mom has said no, she needs the money. Me and hubby agreed to wait until January then we may need to take legal action. If we do, I see no other way than to lay it out for stepdaughter the whole truth and to choose us.

In spite of the fact that we already pay for child support. We have also paid for glasses, braces, school clothes, school supplies, sports clothes and now she is living with us. We are signing her up for driving lessons next month (another $400).

Some background on bio mom’s history

Last year, step-daughter missed so many days of school, she had to go to court for missing days.

Stepdaughter has asthma and was sick all the time because her house was filled with smokers and pets, dogs, cats, I heard 13.

Didn’t have heat in the home; constantly worried the water or electricity would be turned off. House is in foreclosure, constantly worried about getting kicked out.

Since she is 16 she can choose who she wants to live with.

If she chooses her mom and we have filed modification, we lose the $2000 we put up to modify it. That is just the starting fee – the whole fee can run a lot more

We can win custody but if we have any angry 16 year old in our home it does no good.

We can request legal fees be recovered but it is not guaranteed.

BTW My husband has stage 4 cancer and is not working.

I see no other way than to lay it out for stepdaughter the whole truth and to choose us. Since she has always lived with bio mom, we are still bonding with her on the level of being a fulltime constant care parents so she may not feel as close with us as she does with her mom. I’m hoping come January she will see what it is like to live in a good household and choose us.

HELP!

Avniel · Nov 24, 2015

I wouldn't tell a 16 year old her mother is unstable and she should live with you guys. Yes it may benefit your pocket but it may damage her relationship with her father. I interned with a family court judge, most people get into these situations and they don't do what's in the interest of the child. There is no reason a child at the age of 16 should no the legal troubles of adults, she didn't pick to come into this world and her being here should never be presented with a burden. Turning a child against her mother is wrong, I don't care if she was a crackhead. You have the potential to damage a child's relationship with her mother.

If I were you I would not tell her. I would allow the courts to work things out and continue to be yourselves. The courts have all sorts of specialists that will find out what is the best option for her. The courts aren't worried about the parents they are worried about the children. With our own personal investments we can sometimes be bias, however I do think the family courts in America have the kids best interest in heart.

Sheeple Shepherd · Nov 24, 2015

Go file for the modification of child support YESTERDAY..........NOT in Jan.

As for the other.......>KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!

Been there and done all that. My oldest daughter will be 29 next month, to this day I have not bad mouthed her mother.

RedPonyDriver · Nov 26, 2015

do not bad mouth the mother. Let it work its way through the court system. The child is 16. What she wants will probably weigh pretty heavily with the court, but bio-mom dropping her off at your house will also weigh heavily. The courts don't care what's best for the parents, they rule in the child's best interests.

SelfProtect · Nov 30, 2015

Thank you 3 for your replies. It's been interesting to hear her be the one badmouthing her mom. I haven't had to. Nor will I . I have told her desperate people do desperate things. Because of the dysfunctional relationship her Mom is in with her boyfriend, she is not thinking clearly and making decisions she normally would not make. I have said this in an attempt to sort of defend her mom. I have also said we have all made bad decisions we regret. I have also said that I don't want to badmouth her mom when I think she is looking for me to join her in badmouthing her mom. Thanks for that advice. We filed. It was $3000. The attorney doesn't expect it to cost more than that. The Attorney expects we will stop paying child support in January. Then the Mom will be ordered to pay us child support. I don't know how that will happen if she is not working. I guess time will tell. Her Mom should be served next week. That will be interesting too, to see what comes out of that event. This is all just so uncomfortable and weird. For now, stepdaughter is happy with us and has said she doesn't want to go back. Its interesting because her and I have good relationship. She even seems to be blending well with my son (age 12).

Here is an interesting fight me and hubby got in this passed Sunday. My son wouldn't get up and go to church and my husband said no phone for the day. My concern is his daughter has been attending church since she moved in but every week I have to talk her into going. It's just a matter of time before she misses. So I said, will we take her phone away when she misses and he said no. This caused a big fight. This is jut one example. We have been fighting more since she moved in. Anyway, my son had a ton of homework that he worked real hard on Sunday to get it all done. I said as a reward he can use the phone for 1 hour. Is everyone's head exploding over reading that? Yep as you can imagine my husbands did to. I try real hard with his daughter and we have a good relationship. He doesn't try as hard with my son. Not to mention that I am all over my son about schoolwork and my husband is not involved. I needed some leverage to get him to finish. He did about 5 hours over the thanksgiving weekend. When his daughter misses church it will be another fight because we can't have different rules apply to different kids. I would have stood by my husband no phone rule if it would have applied to his daughter as well. We didn't resolve the fight. We just agreed to disagree. We can't afford to fight, my husband has stage 4 cancer and we don't want to spend what precious time we have together fighting. I told him, just let me discipline my kid and you discipline yours. For now it has been pushed under the rug. UGH!

mkgal1 · Nov 30, 2015

I think that's how it *should* be (that you discipline your son and your husband disciplines his daughter). I don't believe that stepparents should be directly disciplining their stepchildren (that often divides a family and builds resentment).

Avniel · Nov 30, 2015

SelfProtect said:
Thank you 3 for your replies. It's been interesting to hear her be the one badmouthing her mom. I haven't had to. Nor will I . I have told her desperate people do desperate things. Because of the dysfunctional relationship her Mom is in with her boyfriend, she is not thinking clearly and making decisions she normally would not make. I have said this in an attempt to sort of defend her mom. I have also said we have all made bad decisions we regret. I have also said that I don't want to badmouth her mom when I think she is looking for me to join her in badmouthing her mom. Thanks for that advice. We filed. It was $3000. The attorney doesn't expect it to cost more than that. The Attorney expects we will stop paying child support in January. Then the Mom will be ordered to pay us child support. I don't know how that will happen if she is not working. I guess time will tell. Her Mom should be served next week. That will be interesting too, to see what comes out of that event. This is all just so uncomfortable and weird. For now, stepdaughter is happy with us and has said she doesn't want to go back. Its interesting because her and I have good relationship. She even seems to be blending well with my son (age 12).

Here is an interesting fight me and hubby got in this passed Sunday. My son wouldn't get up and go to church and my husband said no phone for the day. My concern is his daughter has been attending church since she moved in but every week I have to talk her into going. It's just a matter of time before she misses. So I said, will we take her phone away when she misses and he said no. This caused a big fight. This is jut one example. We have been fighting more since she moved in. Anyway, my son had a ton of homework that he worked real hard on Sunday to get it all done. I said as a reward he can use the phone for 1 hour. Is everyone's head exploding over reading that? Yep as you can imagine my husbands did to. I try real hard with his daughter and we have a good relationship. He doesn't try as hard with my son. Not to mention that I am all over my son about schoolwork and my husband is not involved. I needed some leverage to get him to finish. He did about 5 hours over the thanksgiving weekend. When his daughter misses church it will be another fight because we can't have different rules apply to different kids. I would have stood by my husband no phone rule if it would have applied to his daughter as well. We didn't resolve the fight. We just agreed to disagree. We can't afford to fight, my husband has stage 4 cancer and we don't want to spend what precious time we have together fighting. I told him, just let me discipline my kid and you discipline yours. For now it has been pushed under the rug. UGH!

Telling her that her mother is desperate and telling her and stating that she is wrong but we can't judge her because we all are wrong, really isn't the most positive thing you can say. The depth of detail you should get into with her is, "your mother loves you" there is nothing more to really say. Let's say eventually by the grace of God their relationship does a 360, that conversation is going to come up and you're going to look bad. What you did could give the mother a perspective that you did bad mouth her.

I just have the belief if you weren't their to make the child and there are two parents it's really not anyone else's place. The bible teaches us that God is not the author of confusion and all things are lawful and all things don't edify. As far as she's concerned she should feel like you think her mother is a saint and the most classy woman.

That's just me nobody could ever say a negative word I told a child about their parent.

mkgal1 · Dec 1, 2015

SelfProtect said:
It's been interesting to hear her be the one badmouthing her mom. I haven't had to. Nor will I . I have told her desperate people do desperate things. Because of the dysfunctional relationship her Mom is in with her boyfriend, she is not thinking clearly and making decisions she normally would not make. I have said this in an attempt to sort of defend her mom. I have also said we have all made bad decisions we regret.

Good for you. I would think that your stepdaughter is old enough to realize her mom isn't making great decisions right now--and I think you're doing a good job explaining why she may not be walking a straight line (without "badmouthing" her mom). IMO---that builds trust between you and your stepdaughter. Trying to sugarcoat things---or going the other direction and dehumanizing her mom-- wouldn't be truthful.

SelfProtect · Dec 3, 2015

Thank you both for your different views. I feel like I can and will do better. Now that the courts are involved I feel less angry and not so backed into a corner.

Avniel · Dec 3, 2015

SelfProtect said:
Thank you both for your different views. I feel like I can and will do better. Now that the courts are involved I feel less angry and not so backed into a corner.

We all have those moments where the stress gets to us and we do what's best at the time. Then we look back and say "i could have done that" or we say "I wish I wouldn't have said that." It's part of life we learn and grow from it.

Glad that pressure is off you

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Modification of Child support tarnishing the reputation of the other parent.

SelfProtect

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Avniel

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RedPonyDriver

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mkgal1

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