What Should I do w/ Someone who won't listen to my advice and keeps saying the same things?

sk8brdkd

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I met this one lady about a year ago. Her bf works with my best friend.

Over the last several months, she's been calling/messaging me on facebook/cell phone just complaining to me about her bf and how she's unhappy, etc. etc. I initially didn't mind listening to her but, after I give her advice, she ignores what i tell her always and just repeats and repeats and repeats herself. Idk what else to do or tell her and its getting very frustrating.

Yesterday she sent me over 30 messages thru facebook and today, she's already sent me 12 messages.

I've tried telling her, if she doesn't like being there w/ him, move out. She says she has nowhere to go but she has family. I told her to go live w/ her family and she doesn't want to bc then she'll be far away from her job and her friends. So, I said, you need to make a choice. Stay w/ him and be unhappy and go live w/ your family for now and be happy. She seems to want to stay w/ her bf so she'll be close w/ her job and friends.. Shrugs.... yet she keeps repeating how unhappy she is and how she doesn't like his attitude. I don't know what to say or do for her.

She also constantly asks me what i'm doing every single day and other things like that. It's like she gives me a play by play of what she does everyday.

Its frustrating. I don't want to be mean, but, I also understand she wants someone to talk to but, i don't know. Its getting on my nerves. I tell her I'm busy and have work to do yet she still tries to call and talk to me. I've been ignoring her calls bc now is a very very busy time for me w/ work.
 

dogs4thewin

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I would just tell her point blank that you do not have time for that. Now, you can offer to have a time of day that she may call you to rant. Do you know WHY she is unhappy with her boyfriend? What I mean is, if he is abusing her physically or otherwise that is different than personality conflicts.
 
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sk8brdkd

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I would just tell her point blank that you do not have time for that. Now, you can offer to have a time of day that she may call you to rant. Do you know WHY she is unhappy with her boyfriend? What I mean is, if he is abusing her physically or otherwise that is different than personality conflicts.


I do know why she's unhappy. She said he started to drink again a few months ago and he's a mean drunk which yes, i saw first hand not too long ago. He scared me and I left right away. He's not abusive but she said he's more concerned about his dog/cats then he is for her. That he no longer wants to spend time w/ her, etc. and is ignoring her, etc. and they've been together, i think 8 or 9 years or something like that.

I can understand why she's upset but, I just don't have time for her constant rants. I'm very busy whether I'm at work or working on my Ebay stuff at home. I'm extremely busy especially this time of year and she doesn't seem to understand why I can't talk the times she messages me. I tried telling her. As soon as I get home from work, I eat and then I start packaging the stuff I sell on Ebay, then I go to the post office drop the items off, then I usually run some errands, meaning to the bank, come home, go over a friend's house, then list more items to Ebay from his house, then Maybe just maybe I get an hour or 2 break before I go to bed. That's my day, everyday right now and I literally have 0 time to read all her messages.

Yes, right now I'm taking a break bc the day I had at work stressed me to completion and I need a break lol.
 
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dogs4thewin

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I do know why she's unhappy. She said he started to drink again a few months ago and he's a mean drunk which yes, i saw first hand not too long ago. He scared me and I left right away. He's not abusive but she said he's more concerned about his dog/cats then he is for her. That he no longer wants to spend time w/ her, etc. and is ignoring her, etc. and they've been together, i think 8 or 9 years or something like that.

I can understand why she's upset but, I just don't have time for her constant rants. I'm very busy whether I'm at work or working on my Ebay stuff at home. I'm extremely busy especially this time of year and she doesn't seem to understand why I can't talk the times she messages me. I tried telling her. As soon as I get home from work, I eat and then I start packaging the stuff I sell on Ebay, then I go to the post office drop the items off, then I usually run some errands, meaning to the bank, come home, go over a friend's house, then list more items to Ebay from his house, then Maybe just maybe I get an hour or 2 break before I go to bed. That's my day, everyday right now and I literally have 0 time to read all her messages.

Yes, right now I'm taking a break bc the day I had at work stressed me to completion and I need a break lol.
I will say you said he was not abustive. I will not sit here and call you a liar, BUT keep in mind that abuse does not have to be violent if he is truly ignoring her on a regular basis and/or yelling going off the handle at the slightest mistake chewing her out ECT that can be considered verbal/emotional abuse and can hurt just as badly ( if not worse) than hitting kicking leaving marks on her and the like. I am NOT saying you are lying OR that he is doing ANY of those things. I am just saying that just because she may not be being phasicially abused to the point the police or called or even just always getting into fights dose NOT mean that she is not getting abused.
 
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sk8brdkd

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Yes --- I understand what you're saying and I do not really know if that is going on or not. She hasn't said anything about him verbally abusing her other then he shouldn't be drinking and he should be going to meetings and what not each week and he's been missing them.

I don't know him well and am not sure how he really is or why he's drinking but for some reason, he just started up drinking again about 3 months ago.

But, I've tried telling her if she doesn't like whatever he's saying or doing or not doing then she should just leave. She doesn't ever listen to me though. She said she hasn't been happy w/ him for many months and he's just getting worse and that she can't talk to him. I said to confront him but for some reason she doesn't want to.

The funny thing is, I know I'm not the only one she rants to. I know of 2 others she rants to as well. Only found that out about a couple of weeks ago and was like whoa, i thought she only was sharing w/ me but nope, she's telling others as well. She needs to watch what she's saying bc one of these days, someone is going to say something to her bf.
 
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Yeshuas_My_Freedom

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Value your time more than her need to vent as she admits she's an accomplice in her own misery.

What more proof do you need? She doesn't take your advice. Stop giving her any.
She keeps dumping her problems on you and you feel compelled to advise her , repeating the same behavior with no difference in outcome.

Just tell her plainly, I don't wish to hear of your problems when I feel compelled to offer advice and guidance. While you feel compelled to ignore that advice and stay in the situation wherein you feel you need advice and guidance you then ignore. It's a repetitive behavior I don't wish to be a part of anymore.

I met this one lady about a year ago. Her bf works with my best friend.

Over the last several months, she's been calling/messaging me on facebook/cell phone just complaining to me about her bf and how she's unhappy, etc. etc. I initially didn't mind listening to her but, after I give her advice, she ignores what i tell her always and just repeats and repeats and repeats herself. Idk what else to do or tell her and its getting very frustrating.

Yesterday she sent me over 30 messages thru facebook and today, she's already sent me 12 messages.

I've tried telling her, if she doesn't like being there w/ him, move out. She says she has nowhere to go but she has family. I told her to go live w/ her family and she doesn't want to bc then she'll be far away from her job and her friends. So, I said, you need to make a choice. Stay w/ him and be unhappy and go live w/ your family for now and be happy. She seems to want to stay w/ her bf so she'll be close w/ her job and friends.. Shrugs.... yet she keeps repeating how unhappy she is and how she doesn't like his attitude. I don't know what to say or do for her.

She also constantly asks me what i'm doing every single day and other things like that. It's like she gives me a play by play of what she does everyday.

Its frustrating. I don't want to be mean, but, I also understand she wants someone to talk to but, i don't know. Its getting on my nerves. I tell her I'm busy and have work to do yet she still tries to call and talk to me. I've been ignoring her calls bc now is a very very busy time for me w/ work.
 
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sk8brdkd

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I like what you said and how you said it. To me though, it just seems mean to say to someone who is hurting inside. But, I've noticed lately, that I feel all uptight whenever she messages me. I'll have to try to let her down as you said because yes, she doesn't listen and its the same outcome. She told me a few months ago that she wanted to leave him, but then, i guess they talked and things improved for a little bit, now, they're back where they had been. It seems like a vicious cycle however, I'm only hearing her point of view on it. I have no idea what his point of view is.

I would kind of like to hear his point of view but, I also don't want to say anything to him about what she's saying as I don't want to make things worse.

I feel strange coming out to him saying, so _____ how's your relationship going w/ ______? i figure doing that will easily send up red flags bc i never ask him stuff like that.
 
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dogs4thewin

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Yes --- I understand what you're saying and I do not really know if that is going on or not. She hasn't said anything about him verbally abusing her other then he shouldn't be drinking and he should be going to meetings and what not each week and he's been missing them.

I don't know him well and am not sure how he really is or why he's drinking but for some reason, he just started up drinking again about 3 months ago.

But, I've tried telling her if she doesn't like whatever he's saying or doing or not doing then she should just leave. She doesn't ever listen to me though. She said she hasn't been happy w/ him for many months and he's just getting worse and that she can't talk to him. I said to confront him but for some reason she doesn't want to.

The funny thing is, I know I'm not the only one she rants to. I know of 2 others she rants to as well. Only found that out about a couple of weeks ago and was like whoa, i thought she only was sharing w/ me but nope, she's telling others as well. She needs to watch what she's saying bc one of these days, someone is going to say something to her bf.
I wonder if she is scared to leave her boyfriend? Are there any children involved?
 
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dogs4thewin

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No, there's no children. Only pets. Lots of pets.
because I was going to say she may be staying with him for the children. This still leaves the issue of maybe being scared to leave him. It may be that he has threaten to harm her if she does not stay and ONLY if she does not stay. Again, I am not saying that this is the case only that it may be that she is afraid to leave him.
 
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sk8brdkd

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I actually learned a little more yesterday and now I'm actually taking her bf's side but I haven't told her that. The reason why he's been getting so angry lately is bc she only works part time -- less then 20 hrs a week. He works 40-60 hrs a week. All he wants her to do is help with the upkeep of the apartment -- clean up every once in awhile, vacuum, do laundry and cook dinner a couple times a week bc she has tons of spare time which is true but she chooses to not help out and relaxes or goes out when she's not working so he's been getting angry over it.

I'm not sure why she doesn't want to help him out and keep things tidy since she's free 85% of the week.

I just wouldn't know how to explain that to her as I know he's mentioned it to her a few times when I've been there but she doesn't listen.
 
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Avniel

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You don't even know if the man is drinking, what I think is that she want attention and isn't getting it from him so she attached herself on to you. I had a friend that was in an abusive relationship he used to call me all the time, I used to pretend I was listening and in the end it exploded in my face. His gf went as far as to have her friend threaten my daughter.

Some people just like negativity it's not your purpose to emotionally drain yourself because you feel like you have to die on the cross to be a good christian.

If she bothers you that much block her on facebook and tell her why.
 
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sk8brdkd

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I agree. I am getting to that point w/ her. But i do know he's drinking. Was by him last week when he had 8 beers which I think was way too much but....

I am thinking of just making myself invisible on facebook chat so she has no idea if/when i'm online and maybe if/when i stop responding to her, she'll stop messaging me.
 
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BFine

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Sounds like a "sponge"...they drain people.
The reason she won't leave-- she can do
her thing, he does his.
they enable each to keep doing that
which is wrong/sinful.
She hasn't left him and he hasn't left
her...vicious cycle continues.


Separate from people who won't heed sound/ and or
biblical advice.
 
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Faithfulandtrue

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I would be honest with her. Its really not fair for you and I know exactly how you feel. I'm dealing with some people rightnow like that. Maybe you could say something like, " I'm sorry (insert name), but I really don't know what else to tell you. I've given you my advice and that's the best I can say at this time. I really do care but there is nothing I can do" or something like that. Make a point that you care about them BUT also don't be afraid to say how you feel. They might get mad but at least you were honest . Also tone of voice can sometimes Make a difference
 
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