Wife Turned Hateful and I lost Attraction

wolf1027 · Nov 22, 2015

I have been married for 5 years and once my wife got pregnant a few years ago our relationship has turned into one endless argument. She complains about everything from how the spoons are stacked in the kitchen to what I wear. She works in bed on her computer all day and I clean the house, make food and bring it to her in bed, and do college work when I find time. She now complains about how the food tastes that I serve her.
This behavior has pushed me over the edge. My depression has grown to the point where I just want to escape and even turned towards drugs and alcohol a few times (which only made things worse).
I am not attracted to her anymore. Sex is nonexistent. I spend most of my time sleeping on the couch.
I honestly would leave but we have a son who looks up to me.
I need some advice.

ValleyGal · Nov 22, 2015

It seems to me you could use a healthy dose of boundaries. If she doesn't like how the spoons are stacked, then she can restack them. How they are stacked doesn't bother you. It bothers her. She should take ownership of that and either get used to how you do it or stack them herself. Same with food.... stop serving her in bed. Tell her that if she wants to eat, it's waiting for her on the dining room table, and if it is not flavourful enough for her, then you would absolutely love it if she would cook instead of you.

I wonder why she spends all day in bed, though. Maybe she has a severe depression of her own going on. Has she ever been assessed?

Goodbook · Nov 22, 2015

Oh dear.
Well just a few questions so can better give you advice..
Do you work, do you have a steady job? Are you studying or working at college?
What is this work she does IN bed? That seems bit odd to me. Does she not have a office space or desk at home?
Do you just have one son?
Are you both believers?

1watchman · Nov 22, 2015

Sounds like you have been given some good counsel here. One thing might explain this behavior, and that is a physiological change after a woman has a child, and a form of depression is often a factor ---changing one drastically. This does happen with some women. You certainly should be more assertive, as was suggested to you, but at the same time speak kindly and suggest she has greatly changed and you are concerned about her getting some medical help, before you have to call it quits with her. See how she responds to that approach.

DiscipleHeLovesToo · Nov 23, 2015

wolf1027 said:
I have been married for 5 years and once my wife got pregnant a few years ago our relationship has turned into one endless argument. She complains about everything from how the spoons are stacked in the kitchen to what I wear. She works in bed on her computer all day and I clean the house, make food and bring it to her in bed, and do college work when I find time. She now complains about how the food tastes that I serve her.
This behavior has pushed me over the edge. My depression has grown to the point where I just want to escape and even turned towards drugs and alcohol a few times (which only made things worse).
I am not attracted to her anymore. Sex is nonexistent. I spend most of my time sleeping on the couch.
I honestly would leave but we have a son who looks up to me.
I need some advice.

first, look at how this is affecting her - she sounds like a shut-in; destroying herself through her dissatisfaction and continual complaining - the reason the Israelites who died in the desert didn't make it to the promised land was because they were ungrateful and continually complaining. i know this has been rough on you, but then you are the Christian - the selfless one who loved your wife so much you swore to stick with her through sickness and health, better or worse - no matter how badly she's treating you, you still need to be selfless in how you look at this situation. for example, it isn't good to stay in bed all day, much less eat meals there - so out of love for her, stop supporting this (unless she is physically unable to get out of bed that is) - you're hurting her to let her waste away like that - when she gets hungry enough, she will come to the table to eat - you may have to put up with a lot of mouth as a result, but then marriage isn't about what's best for the individual, but for the individual's spouse - if she sees selflessness in you she will eventually begin to respond in kind or leave.

she is flesh of your flesh - don't be quick to cut a piece of yourself out and throw it away - it will leave a hole no matter how good it might feel at first. put your needs aside and focus on hers (NOT her wants, but her needs) - selfless love will either bring her around or cause her to leave out of her own selfish desire - and if she does leave, you'll sleep better knowing that you were faithful to your promises to her

wolf1027 · Nov 24, 2015

Sorry I was late have been busy with life.
I am in college and she works online. Started out with elance and she is now freelancing through a company. She is very good at what she does because she gets to control people in a type A manner. I am type B and pretty passive.
We do only have one kid.
I have tried telling her that she needs to do more. This immediately leads to an argument. Some days she is sick but her illnesses are several untreatable undiagnosable cases except for maybe her pcos. Some days she just says that she is working and that is her excuse.
I would be completely fine with serving her in bed if she would just act nice. I try to spend time with her but she will literally start yelling about whatever she deems necessary multiple times a day and I end up taking my laptop and going to the couch.
Our son has picked up on this behavior and will yell in rebellion every time he is told to do something.
I am just tired of it all and very unhappy. I honestly am just waiting until my son is old enough to handle a divorce (he is 6 now) and then just get it over with. I do not if this is the right thing to do in God's eyes but I also know that this constitutes for emotional abuse. Which brings me to the question, Would God want His children to stay in an abusive relationship? Try telling that to my mom who married a drunk and lets just say it ended permanently.
We are going to counseling but the therapist is basically trying to get her to stop being so controlling (which has only made things worse). We have only been a couple of times.

ValleyGal · Nov 24, 2015

No therapy will ever work unless the client is willing to own up to his or her responsibilities and contributions to the marital struggle. If she is unwilling, all that is going to happen is her defenses will get bigger and stronger, and eventually one of you will break.

Would God want his children to stay in an abusive relationship? I don't believe so for a few reasons...first, what is it teaching your son? Will he grow up thinking that it is normal to be treated this way by a wife? Will he grow up disrespecting you because your wife gets away with treating you poorly? In addition to what your son must be exposed to, how about you? How do you think it would feel for you to watch your son being abused by his wife? It probably breaks God's heart, like it would break yours. And what about your self-esteem? You have been created in God's image...but if you are not treated as the precious creation you are, that is an insult to God's image and will eventually make you feel less of God's image as well. That, of course, is only my personal opinion... here is a link to a biblical study on divorce www.divorcehope.com. Please don't think this is "permission" to leave your marriage; quite the contrary, I think it is quite clear that God himself put up with many, many abuses by Israel before divorcing her, and Jesus tolerates and bears all our sins, so we should work on our marriages in a way that "love covers a multitude of sins." But... even God expects intimate relationship to be reciprocal and mutual.

wolf1027 · Nov 24, 2015

Valleygal that pretty much sums up how I feel and btw my son is already disrespecting me. I guess that the real reason why I am so depressed is because I know that this is not working and I will eventually have to leave. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry because my son loves me so much and would feel like I abandoned him. Like I said before, I am going to have to wait this one out for awhile.
This is what happens when you do not wait for the person God wants you to marry and follow lust.

ValleyGal · Nov 24, 2015

It's natural to want to cry. It's your marriage - the sacred vow you made to God till death do you part. That is a lot to grieve, although it's not over till it's over. As long as you are still married, there will be hope.

I'm a little concerned about your last statement. God gave you a sex drive or "lust" for a certain type - and your wife was it at one point, otherwise you would not be together now. I do not believe that you did "not wait for the person God wanted you to marry..." God set a number of potential partners into your circumstances, and you chose one. I don't think you made a mistake. I think things changed over time and the two of you changed over time, and unfortunately it was apart and not together. I think one of the biggest keys to making a marriage work has to do with taking every thought captive in order to think, believe, and hope the best in each other, bringing out strengths and positivity rather than focus on everything wrong. This takes hard work, and if that was an intervention early on, maybe your marriage would have been in a better place now. Unfortunately, when criticism creeps in, it's one of the main predictors of future divorce (read Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver's book "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.")

DiscipleHeLovesToo · Nov 25, 2015

if someone broke into your house and threatened your wife and child, you would no doubt rise to the occasion, put your own self-interest aside, and focus on protecting your wife and child. but what you're missing is that this is exactly what is happening - the devil has broken into your marriage and is threatening your wife and child - you can see his influence in both of them through their yelling and fits of selfish anger - but you are focused on how this affects you, not protecting them. you must change your focus and your words - so far, by focusing on how this affects you and speaking words like 'divorce', you are helping your enemy destroy your family; to access God's power to change this situation, you must shift your focus to the best interest of your wife and child (not their selfish wants and desires) and start speaking words of reconciliation - as long as you are self-focused, you are playing into the devil's hand; you are helping him steal, kill and destroy in your family. part of 'picking up your cross daily' is dying to your own self-interest and focusing on the good of others. you'd gladly lay down your life to protect your wife and child from a human murderer who broke into your house to kill your family - be that willing to protect them from the father of murderers (the devil)

Armoured · Nov 25, 2015

wolf1027 said:
I have been married for 5 years and once my wife got pregnant a few years ago our relationship has turned into one endless argument. She complains about everything from how the spoons are stacked in the kitchen to what I wear. She works in bed on her computer all day and I clean the house, make food and bring it to her in bed, and do college work when I find time. She now complains about how the food tastes that I serve her.
This behavior has pushed me over the edge. My depression has grown to the point where I just want to escape and even turned towards drugs and alcohol a few times (which only made things worse).
I am not attracted to her anymore. Sex is nonexistent. I spend most of my time sleeping on the couch.
I honestly would leave but we have a son who looks up to me.
I need some advice.

Sounds like she could be suffering undiagnosed post-partem depression. Try to get her assessed and treated. Could be the root cause of all your problems.

Timothew · Nov 25, 2015

wolf1027 said:
Valleygal that pretty much sums up how I feel and btw my son is already disrespecting me. I guess that the real reason why I am so depressed is because I know that this is not working and I will eventually have to leave. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry because my son loves me so much and would feel like I abandoned him. Like I said before, I am going to have to wait this one out for awhile.
This is what happens when you do not wait for the person God wants you to marry and follow lust.

Don't abandon your son. When you do get divorced make sure that you get full custody of your son. Get a good lawyer.

LoricaLady · Nov 25, 2015

DiscipleHeLovesToo said:
if someone broke into your house and threatened your wife and child, you would no doubt rise to the occasion, put your own self-interest aside, and focus on protecting your wife and child. but what you're missing is that this is exactly what is happening - the devil has broken into your marriage and is threatening your wife and child - you can see his influence in both of them through their yelling and fits of selfish anger - but you are focused on how this affects you, not protecting them. you must change your focus and your words - so far, by focusing on how this affects you and speaking words like 'divorce', you are helping your enemy destroy your family; to access God's power to change this situation, you must shift your focus to the best interest of your wife and child (not their selfish wants and desires) and start speaking words of reconciliation - as long as you are self-focused, you are playing into the devil's hand; you are helping him steal, kill and destroy in your family. part of 'picking up your cross daily' is dying to your own self-interest and focusing on the good of others. you'd gladly lay down your life to protect your wife and child from a human murderer who broke into your house to kill your family - be that willing to protect them from the father of murderers (the devil)

Excellent post! Amen.

wolf1027 · Nov 25, 2015

I understand the protect the family scenario but that raises a big question for me. If a woman or man were being physically abused by their spouse would it be right for them to leave because I know that this sounds "girly" or what not but I feel emotionally abused which is not the same as physically but can be more damaging.
My physical symptoms are already showing. My hair is literally falling out. I have been to the E.R. several times because of false heart attacks which I am sure were anxiety attacks.
All that aside, I have been physically abused by my wife. When I defended myself (restrained her without hitting her) she almost called the cops and threatened to for several months. Now all my friends and her family think I am a wife beater.
The point I am trying to decide is if putting up with abuse is protecting my family. Is it the right thing to do. Does taking up your cross mean that you must suffer an abusive relationship.
My wife knows my christian beliefs and claims to be a christian but she uses it against me because she feels like I will never leave no matter what she does.
Thanks for all the replies.

Goodbook · Nov 25, 2015

Ok if she is an unbeliever and not happy with you then she can leave or stay. Give her the option.
God says if we are married to unbelievers the unbelieving spouse it is up to them if they still want to remain living with the believing spouse. It can work if you both living in peace but that doesnt seem to be case.

Pray and ask God to work on your marriage for the benefit of your son. At least you attemtping to reconcile by going to counselling. But you both need Jesus. Human methods will not work. You both need Gods help in this marriage.
What are you studying in college by the way? It is not really a good idea for the husband not to be the breadwinner with a young child. A wife that has to cope with a pregnancy while earning does not make a happy scenario. You confess what youve done wrong to begin with, thats a start. Ask God for healing in your marriage, for love to replace lust.

wolf1027 · Nov 25, 2015

I am trying to get her into church. She used to be 7th day adventist and I used to be Baptist. We have come to agreement on nondenominational but when I ask her to go she refuses and refuses for my son to go. I was the only one working when she had our son. When he was 5 she left me high and dry. I was left with nothing and went to my parents and started over. I got really close to God and this made her want to be with me again. I missed my son so I agreed to start over.
Now she is working online and I am trying to rush through college so I can be the breadwinner. I am going for business management to answer your question.
Oh and another thing I left out before. I have add/Aspergers which makes me socially awkward and makes people think they can push me around for some reason. I guess I am always in my head and not in the moment.

paul1149 · Nov 25, 2015

wolf1027 said:
I got really close to God and this made her want to be with me again.

I once counseled a woman in a similar situation. Her husband was initally attracted to her because she stood strong in God in very difficult circumstances. But after a few years compromises began to set in, and the marriage was headed for trouble. I told her that it was her commitment to Christ that had attracted him, and that she needed to go back to her first love, Jesus, rather than try in her own strength to make the marriage work. There was repentance involved for placing the relationship before the Lord in importance. She did so, and quite soon after that the husband saw his error. They got back together, moved to start a new life, and their kids went on to start churches.

That may be what you have to do here. Decide that come what may, God will be first in your life. It may be a rocky road for a while; it sometimes is. But I know of no other way to proceed in God, and that's really all that matters. Do that, and everything else falls into place.

LoricaLady · Nov 25, 2015

We are all imperfect. If you don't have the spiritual strength at this time to "stand in the gap" for your wife and son, then you don't. You didn't mention the physical abuse that I remember - though I hear what you are saying about emotional abuse being worse - or her trying to "frame" you for abuse. This is not a good scene for the child or you.

If it were me I would be looking into getting some kind of data, with a hidden camera, or whatever, to show any kind of physical abuse. Now of course the camera shouldn't show you being provoking or anything. I would then get a lawyer and see what can be done so that you get custody of the child. I don't think you would sound "girly" if you complained about physical abuse. You can just say you don't want to hit a woman, even in retaliation, and you don't want the child to be exposed to such a life style.

Praying for wisdom for you and a good life for you and the child and healing for the wife.

LoricaLady · Nov 25, 2015

P.S. Another way to get data might be to talk to your wife on the phone and tape record it, saying how the physical abuse - describing some incidents and when they happened - has to stop. Keep her engaged in the conversation for as long as it takes to get lots of verification from her of what has happened. Maybe role play what you will say with someone else, or at least the mirror.
Hopefully, prayerfully, she won't catch on to what is happening and will say things that make it clear she was indeed being physically abusive. Maybe she would apologize. Maybe she would make excuses. Whatever, just so she is acknowledging that it did occur and you've got it documented.

If she has, or will, admit to the physical abuse with a therapist then I would think that would give you what you need, but talk to the therapist.
Of course keep any documentation with someone else, not where she could ever get ahold of it.

ValleyGal · Nov 25, 2015

I don't think you sound girly whether it's physical or emotional abuse. Abuse is abuse, and it is never right. Truthfully, you need to protect your child. That is the most important here. What your child quite possibly witnesses when he sees her being physically abusive or whether he hears her cutting you down and criticizing you, causes children vicarious trauma. Every time she mistreats you, your child is traumatized by the fact that the mom he loves is hurting the dad he loves. This makes it a child protection issue. And where I live, if you do not protect your child, you are part of the problem. So all I can say when it comes to protecting your family, is that sometimes protecting the integrity of the family means excluding the one who is threatening to compromise that integrity, whether that's the husband or wife or a teen who has become a threat, etc. Your child and his well-being are your primary concern - you can't change your wife, so protect yourself and your son.

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