How to act?

For me personally I am happier to remain single until either - by some divine miracle (I jest not) my ex renounces his current beliefs, becomes born again and also seeks significant marital counselling so that me and the kids can feel safe and that we can be together again as a family. Or that he passes away naturally. In the circumstance of bereavement I would be comfortable to remarry but it would depend on whether it was the Lord's will for me, plus, the husband would have to be a strong believer in Christ.

Now whilst that may work for me, I think that such a stance would be understandably harder if a woman is younger or if you've never had kids.

Whilst it does not specifically address divorcees, 1 Cor 7 is pretty good for giving a little guidance as to how human we all are and also how we can cope with that in terms finding ourselves in the situation of not being married to someone. Although technically we are divorced and not unmarried or widowed a couple of areas in this book stand out in terms of how we conduct ourselves;

1) in verse 2 - if a person runs the risk of being sexually immoral, Paul suggests that it is probably better for a person to marry. I'm not of the school of thought that a divorced person basically has to suck it up and remain single when they 'burn' to the degree that this verse alludes to. We have a forgiving God who we can confidently come to and confess our sins in order to adopt an act which some people would consider a sin, that is, to remarry. If the church fellowship, the potential believing spouse and yourself can see that this option is less worse than being promiscuous, this could be an option.

2) jumping to verse 39 - although this pertains to a widow what stood out for me is the last few words of the verse, "Only in the Lord". So applying this to a divorcee - if a person is in the situation of step one where they cannot remain single (would give way to being biblically sexually immoral) and would look to get re-married, then the husband must be a believer in Christ. As a woman I would seek the guidance of my church leaders in terms of assessing who an appropriate husband could be, on the basis that we have 'messed up before' in terms of choosing a spouse. I would be less inclined to rely on my own judgement of what constituted a good husband and I would seek expert counsel in other believers/Christian Marital organisations.

3) looking at verse 34 - there is a reference to the unmarried woman or the virgin. Basically such women should be focused on 'the things of the Lord' i.e. being constantly in His Word, fellowshiping with other female believers etc. Why? So that she does not get distracted by other factors and she is 'holy both in body and in spirit'. I guess what this looks like in practical terms are those moments day to day when instead of thinking about being single/factors linked to that, our thoughts are turned towards a Bible verse or study that we are chewing over, we are hanging out with friends where we can talk freely about Christ, we are basically occupying our day with all things which in turn removes the focus away from multitude of factors attached to being single, especially after a divorce.

I am sure someone will probably offer something better than my ramblings but this was just my very little tuppence in terms of what came to mind.

Hi J.
Welcome to CF.
I'm not a woman. So I probably look at things differently than you would.
Theologically, I love at divorce differently than you. I think your view is quite a bit narrower than the Bible teaches and definitely narrow than the Jews of Jesus' day viewed it. To each his own as I read Paul.
As I've got older I find the Christian message to be simpler and simpler. 1st command to love God and 2nd command to love poeple. So in each situation I am in that's what I try to do. So in answer to how you should act as a divorced woman, is to ask yourself what is the loving thing to do in that situation.

J. Putman said:

How should a woman behave after a divorce? I've made mistakes, asked God for forgiveness and guidance in the future..now what? I've read many passages and article about how single women should be behaving, but I can't find anything on when a divorce happens? I know the reasoning behind a divorce in the bible is strictly for adulterers and the response of how one to conduct yourself is limited. Any ideas?

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I have not found good advice for divorced either. Neither for men nor for women. Personally I think its a big difference if there are children involved or not. If not, then the marriage was in a seance never fully completed and you are free to move on. If there are children involved it would always be better to reconcile with the other parent. Of course different circumstances may open different possibilities. If your children are living full time with the other parent I guess you could remarry. Possibly also if they live full time with you as they would be fully part of a new family.

As for me, my children live 50% of the time with me and 50% with their mother. I can't see how a new relationship would be possible without them feeling pushed aside. Now my home is their home but they would stop feeling that way the day there would be half-siblings living here all the time. That day they would turn into guests in their own home. Hence I can see no other choice then to remain single. As my ex-wife left me and I really did not want to divorce this has led to much anger and bitterness against God. But I rather live life of bitterness then betraying my children.

J. Putman said:

Hello,

Fortunately there isn't children from out marriage. Even though we wanted them. I understand about not wanting the divorce. I didn't want to but no matter how I tried to repair the relationship he continued to cheat, abuse, and manipulate and I finally said I can't do it anymore. I wasn't really bitter with my relationship with God but I did shy away. Later I realized that it was really my own issues.

You may not be ready to move on, but eventually you may find that other person that completes you. As for your kids, as long as they know you would always love them and you're not taking sides, they may just surprise you and accept other siblings or even just a step-mom.

Of course, I don't know you, or your children even how the breakdown in your marriage occurred, but I wouldn't be bitter or angry with God. Sometimes He gives us obstacles in life to build us up and strengthen ourselves. Since my divorce, I have seen the errors of my ways and realized that I need to do all things in His glory, His timing is perfect and I just have to be patient and steadfast in my faith with Jesus and He will provide everything he wants me to have.

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Hi,

If you did not have children together I would say you are free to move on. Remember that the biblical laws against re-marriage are from a time before birth control. Marriage without children would have been extremely rare.

As for my situation I have seen what can happen with kids when there are step-parents and half-siblings. Sometimes it seams to work out well but sometimes it is obvious that the kids get seriously hurt. Especially when living half the time at each parent. I just cannot take the risk. It would be different if their mother had died or left permanently, then a step-mom would have filled the gap. They are still very young. Maybe it could work out when they're in their teens, but then I will be to old to start Family 2.0.

My relationship with God is seriously hurt. I did not shy away, but when I needed Him most He dispersed. I have prayed for the divorce not to happen (if not for my sake for my kids), I've prayed for an answer why, I've prayed for directions, I've prayed for support and I've prayed for comfort. But He went dead silent. I've seriously doubted that God wants what's good for me. And the only lesson I've learned is that it was stupid to start a family with someone who you felt was not totally "stable". But what use is there in such a lesson when there will be no second chance? As there where situations leading up to the divorce that really put me to the test I can honestly say that I did not fail. I could always have been a even better husband, but I am free of guilt for the marriage failing.

J. Putman said:

I've read this quote once. Even the teacher is silent when there's a test. God has never left you nor would ever leave you. We will never know His reasonings. I prayed many times for the same things and then some, I prayed the pain to stop, for the drakness to lift. At times I did feel lost and alone, but I realized I had to search Him out and hold fast. When I did I saw that I wasn't alone, or in the dark, the pain has been bearable.

I understand with children being little and wanting to have them as your sole focus. I think I would be doing the same if I was in your position. But don't give up. Stay positive. I've forced myself to count my blessings. What are your blessings?

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Thanks for the quote about the teacher and the test. Its food for though.