Elderly parents

Yeah, I can get down and boogie this one

It Isn't Easy
But, IT IS .... WORTH IT

The things we do 'for LOVE'
is / are unending, ie: until, we can do no-more (?)
Looking ahead.... to that time we must all face 'eventually'
Did I do 'enough' ?
Did I 'fail them' in any way ?
Did I always APPRECIATE 'myself'
~for the efforts (I went to) FOR THEM ?

Life just isn't fair.....
Can we EVER 'do-enough' to repay them ~for what THEY gave, to us ?
We are not indefatigable
To be fair (TO OURSELVES)
there are, ONLY just so-many hours in a day
and God will not give us more to handle, than we are capable of

It can seem like we are ALONE.... but we aren't

You should 'look up', respite care
This, provides you with a 'break' (albeit, only-temporary)
Perhaps, for only one or, two days and even as much as a whole week
to enable you to rest up and prepare to 'carry-on' soldiering-on (several times each year ?)

You should 'look up', care for the elderly (aged) << to see how such organisations can, help you out

You should 'look up', help for carers, this generally assists with costs involved with caring
with transport to and from hospital / doctor visits, with prescription deliveries and yes, even with shopping
and household cleaning

Each of the above (emboldened) will have details (of each other)
and even advise you of, other organisations
that can assist with your parents (lifestyles / interests / wherewithal)

My own Mother suffered the debilitating effects of 'strokes' for three years
before she could no-longer fend for herself
and I took her to live with me and my family (as a part of our household)
As the eldest of four siblings, I felt it to be the responsibility of her children, to care for her

I got almost no help, at-all, from my siblings....
Indeed, when I asked them if they could spare a couple of hours just to sit with her
while my then spouse and I, went Christmas Shopping
we obtained compliance only after swearing, that we would be away, no-longer, than two hours
Mum, spent a whole year with us, until she could no-longer swallow the then near-liquid food, we fed her
and passed-away (peacefully) in hospital, four days later

If, and when you feel you are being taken-advantage of (?) Remember,
that they have no-one else to depend upon (as you said) and, while this isn't exactly true
Always, .....RESPECT YOURSELF
because when, you go down.... who ? will replace you

A candle, that is burnt from both ends, lasts, for only half as long (?)
so, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, FIRST
I have left myself with No Regrets and No Shame

dave

I believe, that we should, look-toward our arriving-at / achieving SERENITY

We CAN, only do our best (give, our all)
It is (can be) very-difficult to contemplate and, then deal-with ~our acknowledging,
that those, upon whom, we were (once upon a time) totally dependant-upon
have, now, become dependant upon us

ie: back then, we looked up to them for our care and comfort and, for leadership and training

Where, now, the roles have become reversed (times, have changed our roles)
Consequently and, perhaps essentially, we have become authoritative, to good-purpose

Reinhold Niebuhr, once wrote a lovely prayer, that consoled and strengthened me
at a time, when, I too 'struggled' with family-matters as you have described

The Serenity Prayer
by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)Complete, Unabridged, Original Version.

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.

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Whenever, we feel that 'we are being used'
May we always (FIRST) recall, that we, were 'ONCE'
helpless, vulnerable, unwise, imprudent, wanton, careless and disrespectful
that we are become, the person we now are,
Thanks, to the influence, energy and counsel, of the persons (people) we now care-for
be it ever, a thankless and unappreciated investment ~a sacrifice, so-demanding of our time, energy, life
Learn, to enjoy the lesson

God is watching



'The Lord's Prayer'



Another scripture that upheld me during 'that time'
was Ecclesiastes 3 verses 1-19 (NIV)

1For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven:
2 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.
9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboreth?
10 I have seen the travail which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised therewith.
11 He hath made everything beautiful in its time: also he hath set eternity in their heart, yet so that man cannot find out the work that God hath done from the beginning even to the end.
12 I know that there is nothing better for them, than to rejoice, and to do good so long as they live.
13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy good in all his labor, is the gift of God.
14 I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor anything taken from it; and God hath done it, that men should fear before him.
15 That which is hath been long ago; and that which is to be hath long ago been: and God seeketh again that which is passed away.
16 And moreover I saw under the sun, in the place of justice, that wickedness was there; and in the place of righteousness, that wickedness was there.
17 I said in my heart, God will judge the righteous and the wicked; for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.
18 I said in my heart, [It is] because of the sons of men, that God may prove them, and that they may see that they themselves are [but as] beasts.

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https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CCEQtwIwAGoVChMIwsiSoK7gxwIV6hHbCh3Kugds&url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELFeaD6h9LY&usg=AFQjCNEeJ2vvlviysbqUNWysbWxMgyHmEQ&bvm=bv.102022582,d.ZGU


Tammy Wynette – No Charge Lyrics
My little girl came up to me in the kitchen this evenin'
While I was fixing supper
And she handed me a piece of paper she'd been writin' on
And after wipin' my hands on my apron I read it, and this is what it said

For mowin' the yard, five dollars
For makin' my own bed this week, one dollar
Goin' to the store, fifty cents
Playin' with little sister while you went to the store, twenty-five cents

Takin' out the trash, one dollar
Gettin' a good report card, five dollars
And for rakin' the yard, two dollars
Total owed, fourteen dollars and seventy-five cents

Well, I looked at her standin' there expectantly
And a thousand memories flashed through my mind
And so I picked up the pen, and turnin' the paper over
This is what I wrote

For the nine months I've carried you growin' inside me, no charge
For the nights I've sat up with you, doctored you, prayed for you, no charge
For the ties, folding clothes and for wipin' your nose, there's no charge
When you add it all up, the full cost of my love is, no charge

Well, when she finished readin' she had great big old tears in her eyes
And she looked up at me and said, "Mommy, I sure do love you"
Then she took the pen and in great big letters she wrote, 'Paid in full'
When you add it all up, the cost of real love is, no charge

Songwriters: ASHLEY, LEON/SINGLETON, MARGIE /
No Charge lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

Then, while they, are still 'able'
Set them 'tasks' that they can complete themselves

It will 'help-you' tremendously, when they can be 'encouraged' ~to go-down 'fighting'
Be firm, for, whatever they CAN, 'do for themselves'
need not yet be done, by you (yet)

Conserve your energy, (for now)
for you are 'a slave' unto-yourself (~your own conscience)
and it is NEVER WRONG to insist, that they, at-least TRY
~to manage some of their stuff, themselves
It gets harder still, when they decide to 'give up' trying

My Mother said many times, that she could hardly wait to go and join 'John' (my Father)
who passed almost a year after her first stroke
Our six children, were a great distraction for her, tasking her to respond to them
even after she was bed-ridden for her final five months or so, here, on-earth \o/

No, you mustn't neglect to look-after yourself



dave

shera19 said:

I,m quite new on here, I wasn't expecting all the games etc on this forum. So I don,t know if I,m supposed to ask this But I will anyway.
is anyone else coping with the demands of elderly parents, and how do you cope? I,m 60 myself and I know they have no one else to ask but I,m getting completely drained by it. There are no other family to help. It's just things like shopping, repairs, ordering things, arranging house insurance, paying bills, queries on pensions, banking, phones, they want me to visit daily. Panicking if I suggest taking a holiday..it's constant...and I,m just so tired.
I feel I have to do it as I,m a Christian and they have no one else. I,ve prayed and prayed for strength, but I could just cry most days.
Any advice would be very welcome.

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Just saw your thread today and my heart goes out to you! It's been many years since I took care of a family member but since I did I can relate to what you are going through and I was a lot younger then. You need to find help! Whether from a friend or asking a pastor if they know someone that can help. I wish life wasn't so hard and for sure NO one can know just how hard it is for you unless they have gone through it, too. Never feel bad for taking a day off. If you don't take care of yourself then you would not be able to care for your parents no matter how much you wanted to if you own health breaks. We are still human and can only do so much!

shera19 said:

I,m quite new on here, I wasn't expecting all the games etc on this forum. So I don,t know if I,m supposed to ask this But I will anyway.
is anyone else coping with the demands of elderly parents, and how do you cope? I,m 60 myself and I know they have no one else to ask but I,m getting completely drained by it. There are no other family to help. It's just things like shopping, repairs, ordering things, arranging house insurance, paying bills, queries on pensions, banking, phones, they want me to visit daily. Panicking if I suggest taking a holiday..it's constant...and I,m just so tired.
I feel I have to do it as I,m a Christian and they have no one else. I,ve prayed and prayed for strength, but I could just cry most days.
Any advice would be very welcome.

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You might be surprised at how much community support there is for people in your situation. I looked after my mother in her final years and when she passed I got involved with voluntary home support. There are a lot of community groups that provide a wide range of services free, or at minimal cost, from just companionship, to taking people shopping and to medical appointments, to gardening and minor home repairs.

My mom has gone home to be with the Lord, but, I found it easier to just move in with her. I realize that may not be an option for you, but you could take advantage of some of the services that have been suggested. There is no harm in doing that. Not only will you give yourself a break, but, you will also become a job creator. Do what you can to honor your parents. I promise it will be very rewarding.

Here is a thread 'on this subject-matter'
It was created before my arrival here


http://www.christianforums.com/threads/caregivers.1735018/

shera19 said:

I,m quite new on here, I wasn't expecting all the games etc on this forum. So I don,t know if I,m supposed to ask this But I will anyway.
is anyone else coping with the demands of elderly parents, and how do you cope? I,m 60 myself and I know they have no one else to ask but I,m getting completely drained by it. There are no other family to help. It's just things like shopping, repairs, ordering things, arranging house insurance, paying bills, queries on pensions, banking, phones, they want me to visit daily. Panicking if I suggest taking a holiday..it's constant...and I,m just so tired.
I feel I have to do it as I,m a Christian and they have no one else. I,ve prayed and prayed for strength, but I could just cry most days.
Any advice would be very welcome.

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Hello shera19,

My heart goes out to you. I am 53 and my mother is 89. My father died in 2002 in a veteran home from issues related to dementia. Prior to that, in 1996 I moved from Chicago to NJ to help my mother some with my father and offer support. Now I live in Montana and my mother is in NJ. I have 2 sisters, one lives close to mom and does help her and the other lives a few states away and I can count the number of times she goes there to help. I fly out to visit mom and do repairs and help a minimum of 4 times a year and as much as 8 (I actually fly out tomorrow morning at 5:40am) and I call her every afternoon to check in and see how she is doing. I wish I lived closer to be there a lot more, but circumstances prevent it.

My mother has become more forgetful as she ages and she has advanced COPD and other issues. She refuses to take her medications most of the time and gets into fights with my sister who is there and they can result in them not talking for months. When that happens it makes it harder for me because I have to figure ways to get mom to take her meds without getting into an argument, lest she isolates herself from the only 2 people who are trying to care for her. Right now is one of those times when my sister and mother are refusing to speak. *sigh*

The only thing I can offer is that I feel it is my obligation as her son to do what I can. She and my father raised me, tried to instill values in my, fed me, clothed me, educated me, gave me shelter and love (more my mother, but that is the topic of another form/thread I suppose) for 20 years. Though it can be hard at times, I know it would be harder on me in the long run if I did not help care for her.

If you need to an ear I am here, and I am sure there are many here who understand the pressure and hardships that caring for parents can bring. Just post back or send me a private message.

Take care and know you have my and other prayers for strength.

Sincerely,

David