Surprise Pregnancy - not married...

Catsanddogs

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I am here in desperation. I have really gotten myself in a bind. I’m a Catholic — was divorced over a year ago, with one son. I had tried to relocate for a new job with my son a few hours away — after the divorce (I had the right to move my son) and my ex got a bunch of money — hired a big attorney — and stopped my son. So, long story short — I had to move for my job and I lost full custody of my son. He stayed with my ex. I see him as often as possible, but it’s tough.

In the meantime, I met a man in my new city. Also a Catholic divorced father of 3. He suggested he would help me fight for my son and he eventually asked me to marry him…we are now engaged. But, the war with my ex has caused a lot of problems between us. He hates that man - and how he has brain washed my son against us. It’s ugly. My ex also turned my entire family against me…..I had honestly thought of going back to my ex though because it has been so so hard to be away from my son. I hate to see that boy suffer and I miss him soo much!

Not to mention my new fiancé is very controlling and jealous — we have struggled because he doesn’t like the idea of me traveling for work - or being around other men. He’s a good man but very controlling. He lost trust in me because at one point he found me texting another guy on my cell phone — while we were having an argument. That only caused MORE controlling behavior. We got past that but he still looks through my texts because he worries about me constantly.

Well, now I just found out I”m pregnant. We were using birth control - and I am stunned. I am against abortion, but I must admit I wondered about it….but I don’t think I can do it…. God would not be happy with me —

But, do I stay with my fiancé and raise this baby? Or do I go back to my ex and tell him that I’m pregnant and see if he will still consider reconciling? I know I must sound crazy — I feel it. I’m so lost
 

FreeSpirit74

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Both of these men sound narcissistic and abusive. I would drop the second guy pronto because if he hasn't raised his hand to you it is only a matter of time before he does. Do not, DO NOT reconcile with your ex. You need to stay out of relationships until you figure out WHY this type of man - abusive - is such an attraction for you. I myself am a 9-year veteran of a relationship with a lying, cheating sociopath - my solution once I broke free of that was to go asexual and anti-relationship. Trust me when I tell you women are MUCH better off when they are by themselves and calling the shots on their own lives, rather than letting a man undermine their sense of self and self-determination, and dictate to them. Unfortunately this board won't let me say exactly what *I* would have said if I had an SO who insisted on dictating who it was OK for me to talk to, and who tried going through my phone, but I would have plenty to say ;).

Those behaviors are actually two key indicators that these men are both abusive, and this marriage will be abusive if you go through with it. Ditto reconciling with your ex. Here are the behaviors that are, as stated by you:

- He hates that man - and how he has brain washed my son against us. It’s ugly. My ex also turned my entire family against me…..
- we have struggled because he doesn’t like the idea of me traveling for work - or being around other men.
- he still looks through my texts because he worries about me constantly.

So, we have blame shifting, isolation, control, intimidation. All of which should be instant deal breakers. This man isn't worried about you, he's worried about his ego.

And you will not be setting a very good example for your unborn child. Yes, ITA that kids are better off with both parents, UNLESS one of the parents is abusive!!!! Do you think that watching your fiance abuse you (and we already see that he is mentally abusive, and probably manipulated you into having sex with him - my s'path did that to me too) would be a healthier environment for this child than you raising him/her alone??
 
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Cardiffgurl21

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Please don't but yourself in a situation where somebody controls you :( Remember you are better off alone than with a man who treats you poorly. There are support groups for single mums I know some who have each other's children over night on alternate weeks for some much needed rest. Build yourself a good support network and join a strong church in this pregnancy. Press into God and he will guide you in the right direction. Prayers and love.
 
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barefeetonholyground

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There's nothing good about a jealous and controlling man.
Honestly if you want to reconcile with your ex to gain access to your son I can understand that. But it doesn't sound like he's a great guy either. I really hope you're able to get your son back without being forced into being with either man.
 
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