Left out AGAIN!!!

Chococat · May 28, 2015

I have just had a bust up with some friends as they arranged to go for a day out and never asked me even though they asked this other lady who we have only been friends with for a few months. To make a long story short they seem to think it is ME that is being unreasonable and one lady said she only asked the new woman because she has been going through a hard time lately having lost her mother and broken up with her boyfriend and is feeling pretty down and then actually accused me basically of being heartless and lacking compassion for this other girl.

The fact is it is not the fact that this lady was asked that upset me, rather it was that I was not asked. As I have often been left out in the past this sort of thing "triggers" me and I got mad and basically told the "friend" that she was just like everyone else leaving me out.

She denied this and started on about all the things she has done for me and I admit she and my other friend HAVE been good to me a lot of the time such as getting their men to help me with stuff in my home because I'm single and have no one else to do jobs around the house for me. However I really HATE having to ask people to do things for me as it makes me feel like a nuisance and now I will hate it even more after having it thrown back in my face.

It ended with her slamming the phone down on me and when I texted both ladies apologising and saying I hoped they had a nice day out I just got back 2 grudging texts saying "Ok" so they are obviously still mad at me.

The thing is I have never really fitted in with that group as 2 of them have children and grandchildren and I don't so I get left out there. Also since this new woman has appeared on the scene one of the girls has started treating her like Royalty for some reason. When I go to her house and the New Lady is there my friend gives New Lady most of the attention and I am often either ignored or get snide remarks aimed at me for no reason.

I am dreading facing these women again but have no choice as one of their daughters is decorating my home for me (I am paying her) so I'll have to face her again and I just KNOW she will try to shame and lecture me about my behaviour and will put all the blame on me and deny fault completely. I admit I said things I shouldn't have and should definitely have dealt with the situation in a more mature manner but am I really wrong in thinking they should have taken my feelings into consideration?

Also why do you think there are some people who get left out like me? I try to be a nice, kind helpful person. If anything I tend to be too much of a doormat and go along with others even if I really don't want to do what they are doing. Also I tend to not push myself forward eg I will never invite myself along to somewhere even though other people seem to have no problems doing that. I don't want special treatment only to be treated like everyone else!

Cracklin Rose · May 28, 2015

I know what it's like to feel left out and ignored, my whole life is alone

sorry you had to experience that

Jeshu · May 28, 2015

To be left out is not nice and can be very difficult to deal with. It is best not to blame yourself and understand that blaming others doesn't help either. People misunderstand depressed people all the time, as it can be difficult to have friends who are depressed.

Forgive those who treat you badly for the sake of love.

Know that Jesus will never leave you out but has included you into His heavenly family for all time. :oldthumbsup:

Krissy Cakes · May 29, 2015

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I think its time to find new friends.

I'm praying for you.

aflower4God · May 31, 2015

:'( This makes me so sad beyond words as I can totally understand how you feel, i have been there! I want you to know that THEY are missing out on a LOVELY person and that person is YOU! I pray every day that these women will see what a lovely treasure that you are! You deserve to be happy and treated with respect! God will see you through my dear sweet loving sister. MANY ((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGE but gentle HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))

miss-a · May 31, 2015

aflower4God said:
:'( This makes me so sad beyond words as I can totally understand how you feel, i have been there! I want you to know that THEY are missing out on a LOVELY person and that person is YOU! I pray every day that these women will see what a lovely treasure that you are! You deserve to be happy and treated with respect! God will see you through my dear sweet loving sister. MANY ((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGE but gentle HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))

Flower is right. In similar situations as yours I used to get upset also. I don't as much now because I've learned that when another person does not behave as they should toward me, that is not a reflection on me, but rather a reflection on them. That lightened the burden for me. I hope and pray it does the same for you. Sometimes people just don't act as they should.

Chococat · Jun 1, 2015

Thanks to all who replied. Sorry I've not replied sooner and there have been some developments. Firstly I decided to stay away from the Christian Fellowship on Sunday because one of them goes there. There is a buffet on tonight and I was planning to go there tonight but then I texted my friend and said I wouldn't be there on Sunday and hope they all had a good time on Friday and I got a reply back from her saying the new lady did not go because "she was too upset" and asked if I was going tonight. Well after reading that text I decided I need to keep away from her and the other 2 for a while so I texted her back saying I think it's best I stay away for a while as I've caused too much upset. I did that because I felt my friend's text made me feel so guilty and ashamed because she seemed to be implying that the new friend staying away was my fault entirely which I suspect was what she wanted. In the end I rang up a new crisis centre that has opened near me that deals with anxiety and depression and gives people who are in an emotional crisis someone to talk to. I spoke to this guy and he was really nice. He said it sounded just like a misunderstanding

Well the other lady (the one who didn't send me a text) rang me this morning and said she still wanted to be friends and she forgave me. I honestly don't know how to feel now. I'm glad she doesn't hate me and still wants to be friends but am hurt because although I said sorry to her she never said sorry for leaving me out. In fact she still seemed a bit defensive about it though when I pressed her she said she knew how I felt. She said she didn't think the new lady stayed away because of me. Thankfully she respected my decision to stay away for a while. The main reason why I am staying away is because I fear the other lady will lecture me and in my state of mind I don't think I could deal with that. I know I should be glad my friend contacted me but if I'm honest I kinda wish she hadn't. Maybe it's just me being perverse, I don't know. I just hate it when all the blame is put on me by people who refuse to even consider they messed up as well. :sigh:

Chococat · Jun 1, 2015

I will add so I don't come off as a totally self absorbed jerk that I feel bad because I know I really hurt her and I hate hurting people. In fact I usually go out of my way to avoid it but things all got a bit much for me last week. The thing is I tend to bottle up my feelings and then they come rushing out in a flood which makes things worse! :sigh:

Chococat · Jun 3, 2015

miss-a said:
Flower is right. In similar situations as yours I used to get upset also. I don't as much now because I've learned that when another person does not behave as they should toward me, that is not a reflection on me, but rather a reflection on them. That lightened the burden for me. I hope and pray it does the same for you. Sometimes people just don't act as they should.

That is so true and I must admit I should have dealt with it a lot better than I did by talking about it instead of yelling about it. None of us treats people the way we should sometimes. I try to treat people the way I would like to be treated but I sometimes mistreat people at times. That's the trouble with being sinners. I'm so glad we have a merciful God who doesn't hold our sins against us or I would be in real trouble! :bow:

Poster0 · Aug 22, 2015

I tend to stay away from all people. They dont treat me with love and respect, they usually end up giving me guile in return for my honesty. I feel as if they are playing mind games with my life, as is its some kind of game. However, sometimes i know that its not them but its me. I know that i dont always see things clearly and i blame people for things that are not their fault. Im glad that God has opened my eyes to truth though. If God did that then he must love me. We must count our blessings. This is a very difficult situation though because sometimes it is their fault. What do i do? How will i know when people are being untrustworthy and when its just me not seeing things clearly? I just avoid people, and i admit my weakness to God and i persevere. I find hobbies that make me happy. I like working with wood and metal. Most of my time is used in just thinking about a project rather than actually working on it, but this is good because i enjoy thinking about it, it replaces the negative thoughts that i may have. I dont deal with people very well and its just a fact of life that i must live with. The Lord is my strength and my guide. He is sufficient.

TheGirlOnFire · Aug 22, 2015

Poster0 said:
I tend to stay away from all people. They dont treat me with love and respect, they usually end up giving me guile in return for my honesty. I feel as if they are playing mind games with my life, as is its some kind of game. However, sometimes i know that its not them but its me. I know that i dont always see things clearly and i blame people for things that are not their fault. Im glad that God has opened my eyes to truth though. If God did that then he must love me. We must count our blessings. This is a very difficult situation though because sometimes it is their fault. What do i do? How will i know when people are being untrustworthy and when its just me not seeing things clearly? I just avoid people, and i admit my weakness to God and i persevere. I find hobbies that make me happy. I like working with wood and metal. Most of my time is used in just thinking about a project rather than actually working on it, but this is good because i enjoy thinking about it, it replaces the negative thoughts that i may have. I dont deal with people very well and its just a fact of life that i must live with. The Lord is my strength and my guide. He is sufficient.

We don't know, no of us do..we have to take that truth in people and if people do become untruth worthy then really that's there problem as long as you stay true to yourself.

You have social aniexty which needs to be taken in baby steps. Take each day at a time..it won't happen over night. Maybe write a list of things and start of with the easiest like just saying good morning to one person that day...

Do you go to church ?

Praying for you and if you need to chat then am here.

Poster0 · Aug 22, 2015

TheGirlOnFire said:
We don't know, no of us do..we have to take that truth in people and if people do become untruth worthy then really that's there problem as long as you stay true to yourself.

You have social aniexty which needs to be taken in baby steps. Take each day at a time..it won't happen over night. Maybe right a list of things and start of with the easiest like just saying good morning to one person that day...

Do you go to church ?

Praying for you and if you need to chat then am here.

Thanks for you kind reply. I do have much anxiety of social gatherings. Thanks for your advice too.

Goatee · Aug 22, 2015

Time to look for new 'Friends'

Judy02 · Sep 1, 2015

Hi Chococat

It sounds to me, that maybe you could have dealt with the way you confronted/spoke to them about it a bit better, but you apologised about that, so it's done with, over, dealt with, and should be in the past

:hugs:

It is hard when you're depressed or anxious, I know. You tend to read into things personally. I have worried about being abandoned, left out, being unliked etc. So being uninvited somewhere can sometimes make you read into things more negatively than necessary. So I know about that. Whether it's part of having depression/anxiety or what, that messes with your mind and how you tend to think about things I don't know.

Anyway...it does also sound like these friends of yours are overeacting as well. They should be being more gracious towards you. It can be easy to feel defensive when someone else is yelling at you, but they shouldn't still be holding a grudge about it now. They could calmly explain why they invited this other woman, and it does sound like she needs a friend too. So they maybe spend time with her on one occasion, and other times with you?

However, if they are big on laying guilt trips on you, and going on about it for ages, or consistently leave you out of things on a regular basis, it may be time try and find kinder, more gracious/forgiving friends :hugs: I struggle with guilt at times too, and for beating myself up. But what you did was not that bad, and something many probably do at one time or another. You do not need people constantly beating you over the head with it, and if it contributes to your anxiety or depression, then you probably do need to find some better, more loving, gracious friends (sorry)...time to move on now. It is silly for this to be dragged on any further than it has done now.

zippy2 · Sep 1, 2015

Hi Chococat,

I have found that one of the greatest sources of pain in life are false expectations about others. We except people to act in a certain way and when they don't we get upset. False expectations kill friendships, even marriages. We assume too much sometimes. And it is hard to stop. I'm praying for you and myself to be more gracious and let people just be who they are.
Zip :hug:

Left out AGAIN!!!

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