The rule in Israel was that a new immigrant could bring in normal household items duty free. But anything that looked as if it was for resale in Israel was supposed to be subject to import duty.
Yankel Levine, a new oleh, goes to Haifa port to claim his household goods that have arrived by ship. The excise officer notices on the manifest that Yankel is bringing in seven refrigerators.
“Mr. Levine,” says the officer, “one refrigerator is allowed duty free, not seven.”
“But I’m very frum, and I need one refrigerator just for meat, one just for dairy and one just for parve,” Yankel says.
“All right,” says the officer with a sigh, “that makes three. But seven?”
“Well, of course,” says Yankel. “I need three for most of the year and another three — meat, dairy and parve — for Pesach.”
“OK,” says the officer, losing patience. “That makes six. What’s the seventh one for?””
“So nu,” says Yankel, “if I want to eat a little traif every once in a while?”
Seeing a pompous and lavish burial of a member of the Politburo, Rabinovich sadly shakes his head:
"What a waste! With this kind of money, I could have buried the entire Politburo!"
Two Rabbis were discussing their problems with squirrels in their synagogue attic. One Rabbi said, "We simply called an exterminator and we never saw the squirrels again." The other Rabbi said, "We just gave them all a bar mitzvah and we never saw the squirrels again."
Q: Is one permitted to ride in an airplane on the Sabbath?
A: Yes, as long as your seat belt remains fastened. In this case, it is considered that you are not riding, you are wearing the plane
The town of Chełm decided to build a new synagogue. So, some strong, able-bodied men were sent to a mountaintop to gather heavy stones for the foundation. The men put the stones on their shoulders and trudged down the mountain to the town below. When they arrived, the town constable yelled, "Foolish men! You should have rolled the stones down the mountain!" The men agreed this was an excellent idea. So they turned around, and with the stones still on their shoulders, trudged back up the mountain, and rolled the stones back down again.
An Orthodox, a Conservative, and a Reform rabbi are each asked whether one is supposed to say a brokhe over a lobster.The Orthodox rabbi asks, "What is this...'lobster'...thing?" The Conservative rabbi doesn't know what to say, muttering about responsa. The Reform rabbi says, "What's a brokhe?"
A Catholic priest says to a rabbi, "It seems to me that, since the Creator made pork, He must have made it for some purpose. Therefore, it must be a sin not to use it, don't you think? So, will you finally eat some pork?"The rabbi replies, "I will try some — at your wedding, Father."
An elderly man refuses to leave for the air raid shelter until he can find his dentures. His wife yells at him, "What, you think they are dropping sandwiches?"
An Israeli, a Brit, a Russian, a Vietnamese, and an American are sitting in a restaurant. A reporter comes by and asks, "Excuse me, but can I get your opinion on the recent grain shortage in the third world?"
The Brit asks: "What's a 'shortage'?"
The Vietnamese asks: "What's 'grain'?"
The Russian asks: "What's an 'opinion'?"
The American asks: "What's the third world?"
The Israeli asks: "What's 'excuse me'?"
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Chanukah story[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Twas the night before Chanukah, boychiks and maidels,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The menorah was set on the chimney, just right,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]In the kitchen my Bubbe hut gechapt a bite.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]and zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay![/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Gezunt and geschmacht, the kindelech felt,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]while dreaming of tegelach and Chanukah gelt.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The clock on the mantle it sure was a tickin,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]and Bubbe was serving a schtickala chicken.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]A tumult arose like a thousand bruchas,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Santa had fallen and broken his tuchas.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]while Bubba was now on the herring and rye.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]I grabbed my robe and buttoned my gotkes,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]While Bubbe was so busy, devouring those latkes.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]To the window I ran and to my surprise,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]A little red yamulke greeted my eyes.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]When he got to the door and saw our menorah,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenehora.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]I thought I was in a goyisha hoise,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]but as long as I am here, I'll leave a few toys."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]With much geshray, I asked, "Du bist a yid?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"Avada, mein numen is Schloimey Claus, kid."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]A guppell, a schtickla fish."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Chopped liver, knaidlech and kreplach gegessen.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Along with his meal, he had a bissle schnapps,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]For when it came to eating, this boy was the tops![/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]but they were so hot, he yelled, "Oy gevalt!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Unbottoning his haizen, he rose from the tisch,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]and said, "Your kosher essen is simply delish."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]As he went to the door, he said "See you later.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]I'll be back next Pesach, in time for the seder."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]as he whistled and shouted and called them by name:[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzchak, now Sammy,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]now Irving and Maxie and Moishe and Manny."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He gave a geshray as he drove out of sight,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"A gutten yomtov to all, and to all a good night."[/FONT]
Yankel Levine, a new oleh, goes to Haifa port to claim his household goods that have arrived by ship. The excise officer notices on the manifest that Yankel is bringing in seven refrigerators.
“Mr. Levine,” says the officer, “one refrigerator is allowed duty free, not seven.”
“But I’m very frum, and I need one refrigerator just for meat, one just for dairy and one just for parve,” Yankel says.
“All right,” says the officer with a sigh, “that makes three. But seven?”
“Well, of course,” says Yankel. “I need three for most of the year and another three — meat, dairy and parve — for Pesach.”
“OK,” says the officer, losing patience. “That makes six. What’s the seventh one for?””
“So nu,” says Yankel, “if I want to eat a little traif every once in a while?”
Seeing a pompous and lavish burial of a member of the Politburo, Rabinovich sadly shakes his head:
"What a waste! With this kind of money, I could have buried the entire Politburo!"
Two Rabbis were discussing their problems with squirrels in their synagogue attic. One Rabbi said, "We simply called an exterminator and we never saw the squirrels again." The other Rabbi said, "We just gave them all a bar mitzvah and we never saw the squirrels again."
Q: Is one permitted to ride in an airplane on the Sabbath?
A: Yes, as long as your seat belt remains fastened. In this case, it is considered that you are not riding, you are wearing the plane
The town of Chełm decided to build a new synagogue. So, some strong, able-bodied men were sent to a mountaintop to gather heavy stones for the foundation. The men put the stones on their shoulders and trudged down the mountain to the town below. When they arrived, the town constable yelled, "Foolish men! You should have rolled the stones down the mountain!" The men agreed this was an excellent idea. So they turned around, and with the stones still on their shoulders, trudged back up the mountain, and rolled the stones back down again.
An Orthodox, a Conservative, and a Reform rabbi are each asked whether one is supposed to say a brokhe over a lobster.The Orthodox rabbi asks, "What is this...'lobster'...thing?" The Conservative rabbi doesn't know what to say, muttering about responsa. The Reform rabbi says, "What's a brokhe?"
A Catholic priest says to a rabbi, "It seems to me that, since the Creator made pork, He must have made it for some purpose. Therefore, it must be a sin not to use it, don't you think? So, will you finally eat some pork?"The rabbi replies, "I will try some — at your wedding, Father."
An elderly man refuses to leave for the air raid shelter until he can find his dentures. His wife yells at him, "What, you think they are dropping sandwiches?"
An Israeli, a Brit, a Russian, a Vietnamese, and an American are sitting in a restaurant. A reporter comes by and asks, "Excuse me, but can I get your opinion on the recent grain shortage in the third world?"
The Brit asks: "What's a 'shortage'?"
The Vietnamese asks: "What's 'grain'?"
The Russian asks: "What's an 'opinion'?"
The American asks: "What's the third world?"
The Israeli asks: "What's 'excuse me'?"
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Chanukah story[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Twas the night before Chanukah, boychiks and maidels,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The menorah was set on the chimney, just right,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]In the kitchen my Bubbe hut gechapt a bite.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]and zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay![/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Gezunt and geschmacht, the kindelech felt,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]while dreaming of tegelach and Chanukah gelt.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The clock on the mantle it sure was a tickin,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]and Bubbe was serving a schtickala chicken.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]A tumult arose like a thousand bruchas,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Santa had fallen and broken his tuchas.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]while Bubba was now on the herring and rye.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]I grabbed my robe and buttoned my gotkes,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]While Bubbe was so busy, devouring those latkes.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]To the window I ran and to my surprise,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]A little red yamulke greeted my eyes.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]When he got to the door and saw our menorah,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenehora.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]I thought I was in a goyisha hoise,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]but as long as I am here, I'll leave a few toys."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]With much geshray, I asked, "Du bist a yid?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"Avada, mein numen is Schloimey Claus, kid."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]A guppell, a schtickla fish."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Chopped liver, knaidlech and kreplach gegessen.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Along with his meal, he had a bissle schnapps,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]For when it came to eating, this boy was the tops![/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]but they were so hot, he yelled, "Oy gevalt!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Unbottoning his haizen, he rose from the tisch,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]and said, "Your kosher essen is simply delish."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]As he went to the door, he said "See you later.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]I'll be back next Pesach, in time for the seder."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]as he whistled and shouted and called them by name:[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzchak, now Sammy,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]now Irving and Maxie and Moishe and Manny."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]He gave a geshray as he drove out of sight,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]"A gutten yomtov to all, and to all a good night."[/FONT]
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