How to successfully join a church?

designer mom · Aug 23, 2015

Hello, I am a 30 year old mother who has Aspergers. My husband also has it, as well as our 4 year old. We also have an 11 month old who is in early intervention. We have been largely unsuccessful at becoming a part of a church. Don't get me wrong, we've been able to technically attend a church, but we have remained more or less invisible, despite our efforts to become actual valued, participating members.

I can't really function in a church environment. I absolutely hate being in the sanctuary for any length of time. And then once I endure the sensory assault of the actual service and am just about completely shut down, I'm expected to somehow engage in this giant group social time in the lobby or wherever, where I can't even hear a word anyone is saying to me due to auditory processing disorder. My husband is in the same kind of boat, and we keep trying to deflect conversations to each other so that we don't have to try to manage them ourselves, all the while our 4 year old is having a melt down and/or trying to bolt from the building. I always leave feeling discouraged and like a huge failure.

Obviously, trying to develop any kind of meaningful relationship has not been possible under these conditions. I've tried to talk to different people at different churches, and it just hasn't gotten me anywhere. I get a wide range of responses, none of which offer to actually help me solve the problem of not connecting. *IF* I even get any kind of suggestion out of someone, it's typically to get more involved with church activities, which is obviously not going to help since it is the actual activities that are the problem.

How can I find a church that is willing to understand these sensory challenges, accept them for what they are, and actually try to help us to manage attendance and participation in some way? Is this even possible? Has any one had any kind of success with church?

Wol · Aug 23, 2015

designer mom said:
How can I find a church that is willing to understand these sensory challenges, accept them for what they are, and actually try to help us to manage attendance and participation in some way? Is this even possible? Has any one had any kind of success with church?

I don't want to depress you, but having visited LOTS of churches, I have never found any that were AT ALL welcoming of introverts, let alone aspies. I will concede the theoretical possibility that a church could exist that I might be able to be part of, but I have never found one and have basically given up.

Having said this, I fully expect to be scolded for being prideful, unspiritual, etc., and told that since there are no perfect churches (as if I expected that), I should just pick one and go jump in and become a part of it. That is much more easily said than done.

I do get that in any group of people there are going to be occasional conflicts. That is expected and not the point. I do get that one should not go to church solely for what one personally gets out of it, but it seems to me that if the whole experience is (even mildly) negative EVERY TIME and there is no compensating positive, it is next to impossible to sustain attendance over the long haul.

I wish I had a better answer for you. I don't think God intended it to be like this, but it is.

Odetta · Aug 23, 2015

So if you could design the perfect church for your family, what would it look like?

Here as some ideas I have. If sensory issues are a problem in the worship service, perhaps a church that offers closed circuit TV viewing in quieter rooms of the worship service would work. (We do that with our Asperger's son). As for the interpersonal interaction overload, perhaps a church that focuses that interaction early on - beginning of Sunday school classes, before the service, etc. - rather than after would work better for you - meaning you have the opportunity to build fellowship with others before you get overloaded by the end of the service and start melting down.

designer mom · Aug 23, 2015

Wol said:
I don't want to depress you, but having visited LOTS of churches, I have never found any that were AT ALL welcoming of introverts, let alone aspies. I will concede the theoretical possibility that a church could exist that I might be able to be part of, but I have never found one and have basically given up.

Thanks, don't worry, I'm already depressed over the whole thing. I've also visited lots of churches, from a variety of different kinds of denominations, and I've had the same general experience at all of them. When I was younger, before I was married or had children, I did manage to get myself onto the "marketing team" at a church that I had attended for a while, but they just treated me like I was their employee and not a part of any kind of a "team".

I've also been blamed for these problems that I'm having, and I heard it so many times that I started believing that it's my own fault. As a result I had my family try and try to become a part of a church. For an entire year we attended faithfully, every Sunday morning. We followed all of the typical advice. We attended the pot luck, family movie night, Sunday school, joined a home bible study, attended a separate home group, stuck around after the service and tried our hardest to engage in small talk, etc. Then, after a couple of situations in the nursery actually put my son in danger because they refused to understand his needs (wandering) and I had a newborn on my hands, I gave up and quit. NOT ONE PERSON cared enough to call and ask if we're okay, or why we stopped attending. No one cared. Not one of them. Maybe they didn't notice, maybe they were glad we left. I'll never know, but they were obviously not concerned by it, and we obviously didn't make a big enough impact to even warrant a simple phone call.

So, after that, I've decided that the answer isn't that I need to try harder to be like everyone else, the answer is that I need to somehow find a church that will value us for who we are. :/

designer mom · Aug 23, 2015

Odetta said:
So if you could design the perfect church for your family, what would it look like?

Here as some ideas I have. If sensory issues are a problem in the worship service, perhaps a church that offers closed circuit TV viewing in quieter rooms of the worship service would work. (We do that with our Asperger's son). As for the interpersonal interaction overload, perhaps a church that focuses that interaction early on - beginning of Sunday school classes, before the service, etc. - rather than after would work better for you - meaning you have the opportunity to build fellowship with others before you get overloaded by the end of the service and start melting down.

In all honesty, I kind of fantasize about a church having a separate area of the sanctuary that is behind sound proof glass and gives you the ability to control the volume of the service (since the volume that I can tolerate changes). People might wave and smile during the greeting time, or knock and come in if they have something really specific to talk about, which is so much easier for me to deal with. I'd be a part of the group, but not a part of the stuff that I can't deal with. I wouldn't have to worry so much about doing something stupid or loud either, since they couldn't hear me. But, realistically speaking, your idea of maybe looking for a church with a separate TV room could potentially work out just as well. Or maybe one that will let me hide out in the lobby if they broadcast the service out there. That actually sounds SO much better now that I'm picturing it in my mind. I have tried Sunday school with my husband before, but we ran into issues with our son not being able to tolerate the nursery for the length of Sunday school plus the service. He would go into melt down mode and I would end up missing the service because I'd have to sit in the nursery with him and calm him down. At this point though, my husband isn't going to church OR Sunday school, so maybe I can ask him to just bring the kids to the service and meet me there after Sunday school so I can go alone. That would take a lot of the pressure off.

Thanks for your help

Sabertooth · Aug 24, 2015

I [w/ Aspergers] have made my best connections at Vineyard and similarly-styled churches. We, presently, have had limited involvement because our current one cannot accommodate our severely autistic 21yo daughter.

Wol · Aug 24, 2015

Sabertooth said:
I [w/ Aspergers] have made my best connections at Vineyard and similarly-styled churches. We, presently, have had limited involvement because our current one cannot accommodate our severely autistic 21yo daughter.

Sabertooth, what is it specifically that makes dealing with such churches different for you? I have never been to a Vineyard church, but I would expect really loud music there, which is one thing I REALLY don't like.

joshua 1 9 · Aug 24, 2015

designer mom said:
Hello, I am a 30 year old mother who has Aspergers. My husband also has it, as well as our 4 year old. We also have an 11 month old who is in early intervention. We have been largely unsuccessful at becoming a part of a church. Don't get me wrong, we've been able to technically attend a church, but we have remained more or less invisible, despite our efforts to become actual valued, participating members.

I can't really function in a church environment. I absolutely hate being in the sanctuary for any length of time. And then once I endure the sensory assault of the actual service and am just about completely shut down, I'm expected to somehow engage in this giant group social time in the lobby or wherever, where I can't even hear a word anyone is saying to me due to auditory processing disorder. My husband is in the same kind of boat, and we keep trying to deflect conversations to each other so that we don't have to try to manage them ourselves, all the while our 4 year old is having a melt down and/or trying to bolt from the building. I always leave feeling discouraged and like a huge failure.

Obviously, trying to develop any kind of meaningful relationship has not been possible under these conditions. I've tried to talk to different people at different churches, and it just hasn't gotten me anywhere. I get a wide range of responses, none of which offer to actually help me solve the problem of not connecting. *IF* I even get any kind of suggestion out of someone, it's typically to get more involved with church activities, which is obviously not going to help since it is the actual activities that are the problem.

How can I find a church that is willing to understand these sensory challenges, accept them for what they are, and actually try to help us to manage attendance and participation in some way? Is this even possible? Has any one had any kind of success with church?

If your looking for a support group then that would be a: home church / Bible study type support group. Some of the churches have this in addition to the regular church services. Of course a main line church where the pastor has quite a bit of education would be better then the churches where they only have a two year degree. If you can not find a church with a support group for people dealing with Aspergers, then you should find a church willing to start a group for people who need help with that.

I am attending a church right now that some people are starting up themselves. With the help a bishop that starts church from small groups. They could not find what they were looking for in any of the churches they were attending. So I am mostly just there to help support them in what they are doing. You can go in and talk to various pastors to see what they suggest. If they do not have the programs your looking for they maybe willing to add them if there is enough support or people interested in attending. That is pretty much the whole ball game is getting people to commit to something your wanting to get going or started up. Leaders are usually pretty easy to find if you get people willing to get involved. Some people are flexible enough that they are willing to help any group with any problem or issue they may have.

Even small groups of five to seven people works out just fine. Often when they have a lot of people show up for a Bible study support group they will break them down into smaller groups where people can participate more.

Sabertooth · Aug 24, 2015

Wol said:
Sabertooth, what is it specifically that makes dealing with such churches different for you? I have never been to a Vineyard church, but I would expect really loud music there, which is one thing I REALLY don't like.

These kinds of churches acknowledge (and facilitate) the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. He effectively bridges the gap between Aspies and NTs. The loudness doesn't seem to bother me there as it might in other settings.

Most Vineyards have small/home groups, too.

MoeSzyslak · Aug 24, 2015

I voted the "given up" option. I don't know if you intended the option to have a negative tone associated with it or not, but I actually prefer it this way. So I don't look at it negatively.

Astrid1986 · Aug 25, 2015

Hi all, mind if I jump in? I'm so glad I'm not aloen in having difficulty fitting in with a church. I am blind with limited mobility skills so face physical barriers to attending church too, but my autism is also an issue. I reside in a mental institution and attend church here. The church is used to people with mental illness so is usualy accepting of odd behavior. Then again, it can be a bit chaotic. We also have volunteers who help facilitate the socialization afterwards. Sensory issues are sometimes an issue for me but social skills issues are more important. In this area, it helps if a volunteer starts conversation with me.

designer mom · Aug 25, 2015

Astrid1986 said:
Hi all, mind if I jump in? I'm so glad I'm not aloen in having difficulty fitting in with a church. I am blind with limited mobility skills so face physical barriers to attending church too, but my autism is also an issue. I reside in a mental institution and attend church here. The church is used to people with mental illness so is usualy accepting of odd behavior. Then again, it can be a bit chaotic. We also have volunteers who help facilitate the socialization afterwards. Sensory issues are sometimes an issue for me but social skills issues are more important. In this area, it helps if a volunteer starts conversation with me.

You're definitely not alone, that's for sure. I guess that's kind of the big problem that I'm having - I'm generally not really able to manage social interactions on my own. I can somewhat manage a one on one conversation in a quiet place, but even that is a stretch, and I so rarely even have that opportunity in church. Maybe I should try harder to seek out a church with some kind of disability program. It's becoming pretty clear to me that churches that don't have any kind of training with these things are just not a good fit for our family. It's really comforting to know that churches like yours exist. Thanks

designer mom · Aug 25, 2015

Sabertooth said:
I [w/ Aspergers] have made my best connections at Vineyard and similarly-styled churches. We, presently, have had limited involvement because our current one cannot accommodate our severely autistic 21yo daughter.

I guess you could say that I've also made my best connections at a Vineyard church - I met my husband in one

We've since decided to follow reformed theology, but their churches are pretty uptight, which isn't helping.

hedrick · Aug 25, 2015

My guess would be that you’d be best in a mainline congregation, and maybe in a larger one. Mainline, because we accept learning disabilities, etc, as medical conditions, and not a lack of faith, and we’re committed to serving everyone. Larger, because they’re likely to have experience with people on the spectrum already. Our church has 800 members. We have a couple of people with Aspergers who have played leadership roles, and my 7th and 8th grade Sunday School normally has a kid on the spectrum. To my knowledge, we’ve never had someone whose sensitivity would make it hard to be in the service, but I know we’ve gone to lengths to accommodate other kinds of disabilities, so I’m sure we’d try to help here as well. But for us to help, we’d have to know your situation, which would mean talking (or emailing, if that’s easier) a pastor or other leader.

I guess it’s possible that our congregation is unusual, but it’s hard to believe any other mainline congregation not doing its best to accommodate you.

grandvizier1006 · Aug 26, 2015

I have no idea what constitutes a "mainline" church, nor a Vineyard one (not a Pentecostal, didn't even know Aspies could really be those until I met Sabertooth). But I'm pretty sure Jesus says "Seek, and you shall find. Ask and it shall be given to you." Keep praying for a church and don't be discouraged.

But more practically speaking, I'd find a church that has small group bible studies available and go to those and the main service only. Disregard noisy hymn-singing if you can, and if you can't bring earplugs for you and your husband--ignore what anyone might think. sit in the back, and most importantly, leave your children at home. It's clear they can't take the strange environment, so have a babysitter (who knows how to care for them) or have either you or your spouse take turns staying home on Sundays. Don't feel like you "have" to bring your child to church or Sunday school--there's no point if they're at an age where they are too overwhelmed.

finally, find a small church where you can discuss your problems and people will be sympathetic. chances are TONS of people would care if you just spoke up and explained your family's challenges. I know sometimes we Aspies get this sense that "they" don't care about "us", but they can't help being ignorant

designer mom · Aug 28, 2015

grandvizier1006 · Aug 28, 2015

designer mom said:
.

Oh, no. Did I offend you? Sorry

designer mom · Aug 28, 2015

grandvizier1006 said:
Oh, no. Did I offend you? Sorry

Oh, no, you didn't, no worries! I had typed out a response while my kids were yelling and screaming, and then after I hit reply I realized that I didn't like what I wrote. I tried to delete the whole post, but I guess you can't do that on this site. I had to tend to them and couldn't think with the noise, so I couldn't rewrite it.

I'll try to get around to writing an actual response soon.

joshua 1 9 · Sep 10, 2015

grandvizier1006 said:
I have no idea what constitutes a "mainline" church,

Mainline churches have pastors or priests with a LOT of education. They have college and graduate school and they are better able to council people with difficult issues. I would avoid a pastor with a 2 year degree if you want to go in for counseling. They may be very good at preaching as that is a work of the Holy Spirit in and through them.

grandvizier1006 · Sep 11, 2015

joshua 1 9 said:
Mainline churches have pastors or priests with a LOT of education. They have college and graduate school and they are better able to council people with difficult issues. I would avoid a pastor with a 2 year degree if you want to go in for counseling. They may be very good at preaching as that is a work of the Holy Spirit in and through them.

I know that my pastor knows what he's talking about, but he doesn't seem like the type who could help with personal problems that have a spiritual component to them.

How to successfully join a church?

How successful has your church experience been?

I am an accepted and valued member of my church.

I attend church, but have had some trouble connecting and participating.

I attend church, but remain largely invisible to most of the congregation.

I am still looking for a church that will accept me.

I have given up on the idea of finding a church that will accept me.

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