dealing with unbearable shame and condemnation

abovetheclouds · Sep 28, 2014

I know there is healthy remorse which leads to repenting of sins but there is also a shame for me that is overwhelming where disapproval feels like an acid burning my skin. A harsh comment or a rebuke, even a just one, can cause me to feel down for a long time. I guess its kind of the sin of pride and self concern but I also sense a deep root of toxic shame in my life. Rebuke was used as a tool of abuse when I was growing up. I hate how it makes me feel and is like a wall between me and God. It hurts so bad. I don't know how to deal. Yesterday my pastors wife gave me a well deserved telling off for reacting badly to a perceived rejection, telling me the world doesnrevolve round me. It wqas a telling off meant in love and I deserved it. But one thing she said triggered me because it reminded me of my abuser. I still feel those words she said and my abuser said tormenting me

botham · Nov 5, 2014

The pastor's wife doesn't understand what you experience when you perceive rejection. I said 'perceive' because it is far more about your perception than about the rejection. I have actually stopped going to Church because a few people always seem to look at me in a rejecting manner. I'll be going back, but need to work some things out. Those same people who look at me like that most probably look at most people in the same way. That's where the Holy Spirit comes in to heal my thoughts. But the feelings, just like yours, are very real--just exaggerated by the condition we have. Sometimes I feel like a cold wind is blowing through my soul. The world in general seems like a nasty place and I get suicidal thoughts. I dismiss these thoughts right away because I know things will improve by experience. Some days are worse than others.
Yes, and like you I revisit the past far too much and with the same deep shame. Even though I know for sure that Jesus Christ paid the price for those sins and that God the Father doesn't even look at them; He looks at Jesus in me because He knows I have confessed Him. Sometimes I will tell God that I am sorry for thinking about the past in light of my knowledge that He has dealt with it at a great price. Maybe try that. Just remember that you should never condemn yourself. Just be convicted that the Holy Spirit is on your side, no matter how you feel. Don't expect others to understand how stinging the rejection can feel. They don't--but some of us do! And always remember that your thoughts, even if they are about true rejection, are exaggerated by your BPD. Nobody gets acceptance all the time by the world and it's people, even in Church, but God accepts us 100% of the time with more love than any human can ever give. God bless you, Botham

Chococat · Nov 5, 2014

I can relate to your feelings, abovetheclouds, as I struggle with the same things. I will say, while your pastor's wife may have been right in correcting you it sounds like she could have been a bit more understanding and phrased it better. I know through experience that when you are upset the last thing you need is to "preached at". I really wish people didn't feel the need to lecture people at length when they make a mistake as if the person is struggling with depression, low self esteem and toxic shame it is just taking a knife and turning it in the person's wounds. At least it is for me.

Chococat · Nov 28, 2014

botham said:
The pastor's wife doesn't understand what you experience when you perceive rejection. I said 'perceive' because it is far more about your perception than about the rejection. I have actually stopped going to Church because a few people always seem to look at me in a rejecting manner. I'll be going back, but need to work some things out. Those same people who look at me like that most probably look at most people in the same way. That's where the Holy Spirit comes in to heal my thoughts. But the feelings, just like yours, are very real--just exaggerated by the condition we have. Sometimes I feel like a cold wind is blowing through my soul. The world in general seems like a nasty place and I get suicidal thoughts. I dismiss these thoughts right away because I know things will improve by experience. Some days are worse than others.
Yes, and like you I revisit the past far too much and with the same deep shame. Even though I know for sure that Jesus Christ paid the price for those sins and that God the Father doesn't even look at them; He looks at Jesus in me because He knows I have confessed Him. Sometimes I will tell God that I am sorry for thinking about the past in light of my knowledge that He has dealt with it at a great price. Maybe try that. Just remember that you should never condemn yourself. Just be convicted that the Holy Spirit is on your side, no matter how you feel. Don't expect others to understand how stinging the rejection can feel. They don't--but some of us do! And always remember that your thoughts, even if they are about true rejection, are exaggerated by your BPD. Nobody gets acceptance all the time by the world and it's people, even in Church, but God accepts us 100% of the time with more love than any human can ever give. God bless you, Botham

Amen.

I feel like I am being judged by this woman at church because I acted out even though I have apologised, despite the fact that I never said anything hurtful to or about her at the time but she is still being cold with me. In fact although she seemed to accept my apology she took the opportunity to put the knife in at the same time. Someone said that the Church is the only army that shoots its wounded soldiers and, sad to say, there is a lot of truth in that. :sigh:

Johnnz · Jul 15, 2015

You need some wiser and genuinely understanding person who you can relate to. Sadly, there is a superficiality with some churches which is very alienating and hurtful for anyone who has painful or complex issues in their iives.

John
NZ

Poster0 · Aug 23, 2015

Johnnz said:
You need some wiser and genuinely understanding person who you can relate to. Sadly, there is a superficiality with some churches which is very alienating and hurtful for anyone who has painful or complex issues in their iives.

John
NZ

I agree. As for myself i have just grown to accept the fact that i don't fit in. Im ok with it.

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dealing with unbearable shame and condemnation

abovetheclouds

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