Should I Marry?

I am 55 and divorced. My kids are grown. I grew up with an alcoholic mother who was a drunk from my age 3-17 so pretty much my entire years at home. Needless to say home life was highly dysfunctional. Without going through too many details one of the biggest side effects I suffered was a severe inability to handle stress. Small stressors could become major stressors and then any stress could trigger all kinds of physical symptoms from an aching jaw, to a tight throat, tingling throughout my body, etc. I married at the age of 30. I thought we were going to have a good marriage but before long she turned very legalistic and began to attack me for not being 100% like minded with her. Mind you I was and am a very conservative Christian but she was extreme. Our marriage became super stressful. I did everything I could to make things better including trying for 10 years to get her to agree to marital counseling but to no avail. At one point the stress got so bad that my doctor thought I might have MS. In time though the diagnosis was severe stress and anxiety and mild depression. I also suffer from social anxiety. I finally ended up divorcing her with the full support of our elder board as my health was greatly suffering.

When I never saw coming was the lengths she would go to in order to turn our 3 children against me at times even lying to them. She really manipulated them and in the end convinced them I did not have Biblical grounds to divorce her therefore I was in ongoing sin. I felt I did have grounds as I did not believe her to be a Christian (the entire elder board agreed) and she has "departed" the marriage in every way that counted save moving out. It was clear by her actions and comments that her only reason to stay with me under the same roof was my financial support. Otherwise she avoided even being home when I was. Our 19 year marriage was largely without physical intimacy and none the last 8 years due to her refusals.

It's been 8 years now and 2 of my 3 children I have not seen in 5 years despite them living very close by. The other I've seen briefly twice and he will respond to emails but does not say much. The other 2 won't even respond to emails.

I think my childhood did the greatest damage but my marriage did not help. This has all left me emotionally numb. I never get excited, passionate, happy, etc. I am not always depressed but more neutral/numb. I can't handle stress and will avoid things that cause it (as much as possible). I have tried relationships since my divorce including one I am in now and have a hard time meeting my partner's emotional needs and tend to be a loner who can spend hours doing my own thing. I don't need a lot of people time. I like having some and someone to do things with but have no available friends. My girlfriend is it.

I also have zero libido and an aversion to physical intimacy severe enough that I doubt I will ever be able to have intimacy again. My girlfriend has been told all this and seems to be ok with it and wants a marriage. I worry though that over time it might leave her feeling lonely or me feeling suffocated. At best we would be a married couple who did a lot of separate things and she would get most of her social needs met without me. She claims a very low libido as well (she is 52) and says that type of intimacy is not important to her. So in a sense our marriage would be atypical which might be ok. We are both believers. We will never though be soulmates or have a deep connection. For me that is near impossible. Perhaps she is truly fine with all that. She seems to handle my anxiety and such but does add to it at times.

My question is: is this a Biblical marriage situation? We are both healthy and physically capable of physical intimacy yet won't have any. We will never truly be "as one." At times I wonder if she is ok with all this and likes the security I provide. I just debate at times if, as a Christian, I should begin a marriage such as this. For me the only alternative is to stay single the rest of my life which I could do. It would not be ideal but neither is being married. Both are less than ideal.

Thanks for the response! By your criteria then I would not marry. Joy is not a word often in my vocabulary. I can feel joy in my relationship with the Lord or at times on a bike ride but the rest of the time I would not say I experience joy. I have few positive emotions. My life is pretty binary: peace or lack of peace (which equates to no stress or stress). Another way to put it would be negative or neutral. So a good day is stress free with neutral emotions. I have to find the joy from God as I seldom experience it from other people and marriage will never bring much joy to my life.

jsimms615 said:

You don't mention in your post if you tried individual counseling for yourself. If I were you, I would do that first and discuss with someone in person your issues and if marriage is right for you. A forum like this your going to get all kinds of answers and the truth is we don't really know you

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I understand the limitations of this forum and asked only from a Biblical "is this a marriage" perspective as I know none of you know me. To answer you question though, I have been in and out of counseling for the past 30+ years including the last two years weekly and have discussed this. My counselor acknowledges this would not be a typical marriage but if we can make it work and be happy then no reason to not get married. I worry more about the future. Right now it's ok but can I keep it up for years and years? I think so and would not get married unless I felt sure so.

blackribbon said:

I am not sure why you would get married in this situation. How would the legal document change what you already have? What benefit would marriage bring to either of you? I personally don't believe in marrying anyone for any reason other than I can't imagine them not being a part of my life...and that is what got me through some of the harder times of my marriage. I both needed him and wanted him enough to bow my will and work through the problems. Marriage is hard...even for those who make it look easy. The Bible makes it clear that you no longer own yourself. I wouldn't ever get married because it seems like the next step or everyone else does it. You obviously don't really want to get married. Why does she want to get married?

I get the feeling that you really do believe that you are capable of having a better relationship with someone....one where there is passion. What happens when the women who sparks this in you walks into your life and you are already married? On the flip side, if she never walks into your life, is marriage really a better alternative to being alone?

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Thanks for your thoughts I'm surprised you feel I have given the impression I believe I am capable of having a better relationship with someone else. I don't see it that way. I feel that due to my issues it is highly unlikely I will ever be capable of being in a close relationship (emotionally or physically). At best I can be a super nice friend, caring, humorous, yet still a bit of a loner requiring a lot of time by myself and being a bit detached at times. It's a strange feeling to visually find someone very attractive yet feel nothing else (i.e. a physical desire). I have not had much in the way of friends my entire life. Currently I have zero social friends other than my gf. If I didn't have her I would be 100% alone except at work. I don't like group activities, clubs, social groups, etc.

She is more social than me but still her sister and an older gentleman friend are all she has at the moment (plus me). She might get out and try and meet people if she ran short whereas I would not. So for me it's nice to have someone around providing they don't expect too much and understand it will never be a real meaningful relationship. Maybe that's overstating it. I know she likes that I am easy going, funny, kind, loyal, etc. She claims to not need the physical much and while I know she would like more closeness that she gets at the same time she seems to feel this is better than looking again or being on her own.

I have met other women I might have been slightly closer to but I've passed because I knew I would not meet their needs. I told one outright I really liked her (and I think she did me) but that I would not be a good partner in the long-run and she would be better off to keep looking.

So the debate is would I/we like to live together and have a partnership of sorts but live under the same roof or just be friends living separately? To live under the same roof long-term I believe we should be married if only to "avoid the appearance of evil." There will probably be no intimacy but I don't want people to get the wrong idea as we are both Christians.

blackribbon said:

Well, in that case, maybe you should consider getting married. Don't make decisions for her...just be honest and do your best to see if she really understands what you are saying and isn't secretly hoping things will change (I personally think she sounds like she knows what she is signing up for.) A lot of women have had bad experiences in the past or health issues and sex isn't that important to them so don't assume that she really does want more.

Would your counselor offer any type of couples counseling...even over a short period of time to be able to add his two cents based on what he knows about you? Or could he/she recommend someone who would understand the unique dynamics of your relationship? Marriage is primarily about friendship and teamwork...and it sounds like you two may be a good match. I personally value the intimacy part too...but really, each married couple gets to define what is appropriate for them. As long as the expectations are balanced, then it is good and nobody else gets a vote in what makes a good marriage.

If you are happy with this relationship (and you get to define what "happy" means) then it might be worth considering.

If she has indicated that she would like more touch but is willing to live with what you can offer, then believe her. But if you really love her on whatever level you feel capable of love, consider exploring ways to stretch your level of comfort slightly on timeline that you can live with. This may never be what most people would be happy with but other people aren't entering in this relationship. Learning to touch slightly out of your comfort zone will be a most caring gift that I expect she would both treasure and recognize. Not all people are touchy people and just like you, she really may not need much either. As you begin to trust that a simple touch doesn't necessarily lead to expectations of more, you may even learn that you may enjoy more than you believe yourself capable of. But again, a marriage is what you define it as and it sounds like you can have your own special type of relationship.

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I should add two more important pieces of information one of which I somehow left out. I am not a classic asexual. I am close but still have needs at times in that area but my needs are more on the level of needing to scratch an itch. You scratch an itch to make it go away not to enjoy scratching or get some emotional experience. Due to my personality I am very pragmatic about most things. I eat because I am hungry but I don't enjoy food all that much. A good meal is never an incentive to me to do anything. I like eating out once in a while but generally it's more trouble than it's worth. I don't like to spend much time around eating. Simple, quick, done. My minor sexual needs are like that. It's easier and preferable to just take care of them myself. Having sex with a spouse is like going out to dinner except in my case the analogy is off a bit. I CAN go out to eat and eat. Having sex is generally a failure for me. I am just not into it and find it awkward. Probably due to not having a partner most of my life and having had a wife who hated sex and intimacy. My girl friend/fiance knows this about me and she is fine with the idea of no sex but not as excited knowing I will occasionally need to do my own thing. I get that and have just been truthful about it and told her that is how it will have to be and if that is too weird for her then I'm sorry but that's not something that is going to change.

My biggest concern right now is my stress level since we've been seeing each other. It's just the stress of being in a relationship even when things are pretty smooth. It manifests itself by my jaw tightening, teeth hurting, general anxious feeling, etc. I'm already on meds for anxiety so this is pushing me beyond what they cover. It's not horrible nor all the time but daily. When we are apart my body calms down. We've been dating for 1.5 years so this is not brand new. So I have to decide if I can live with this daily background stress. I can't fault her for it. It's my inability to be stress free around people. After years of counseling and meds it doesn't seem like it's going to change.

blackribbon said:

Your life is not better with her in it. If you marry and live together, you will have no place to go to reduce the stress that she brings (no fault of her own). She probably is not aware of this because being with you probably lowers her stress. You are very matter of fact about the concept that you need sexual release but not open to learning how to include her in it ... or even "going out to dinner" just because it pleases her...

You are not ready to get married. She isn't the "one" that makes your life better no matter how much she would like to be that one. You are not stating anything that even makes it sound like you want to be married...non-traditional or otherwise.

See if she is still interested in dating if you aren't going to be ready for marriage anytime soon. Give her permission to look elsewhere to see if anyone else will be more interested in meeting her needs while she accepts their limitations.

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Just a few clarifications. When I shared how I feel about food (by way of an analogy) I did not intend to imply I don't do things that she likes even if it's not high on my list. I try to get her to go out to dinner all the time but she is so frugal and doesn't like going out much in the evening (or during the day). To her eating out is wasteful. I try believe me and at times insist. Same with concerts, movies, etc. She would stay home 99% of the time. I have never turned her down for doing something she wants to do and at times accompany here on all kinds of things that are for her.

As for including her in my sexual needs I have gone through 2 years of counseling about this and am very open but past experience has been complete failure. I have pledged I would always do what I can for her but can't promise it will ever work for me. So I am not opposed to sex it just doesn't work for me but it's not all about me which is why I am fine doing it for her but in the end I sometimes need relief and so the only thing that works is solo. My counselor agrees that for me it's going to be very difficult to change in this area. So I have not shut that door but am being upfront about it so she does not have any false hopes. It's a bit of an unusual situation so she might think I'm bound to come around in time but the odds are very low and it would not be fair for her to hope for that.

I don't think I will ever be "ready for marriage" at least not a traditional marriage. I might manage to calm down more and we could be great friends, companions, and deeply care for each other but not have a relationship high on romance or deep emotional intimacy. Mostly that is due to me although I think her needs in some of those areas are a bit low. I don't think there is anyone out there who would make things just click for me.

If she wants to keep looking for a better match I would not hold her back but it would be awkward. I want her to be happy though and if she can be happier with someone else then I would want that for her as much as I care for her. I know I am capable of living alone with minimal people contact so the prospect of having no one does not bother me greatly.