Respecting him when he treats you poorly.

I want to marry this guy. In fact, the super condensed version is that I knew I was going to marry him within three days of meeting him. But there were a lot of problems. After not speaking for a year, and tearfully praying every day that God would bring him back to me, He did. He came back into my life, and somehow (by God's grace I'm sure) everything changed and we are now pursuing a relationship that everyone in my life was sure could never happen. That's three years in a nutshell.

Today: We are long distance (he moved in January for college), and, he won't call me his girlfriend or make it "public" until he says he knows he'll marry me. So we have been seriously courting/dating for a year, but, it's all been private and partially long distance. 90% of the time things are great. But sometimes he becomes mean. Rude. Insulting. My love language being words of affirmation, he completely disregards this. He says things that truly hurt (personal insults). And he knows they hurt.

My question is this: Women are called to respect our husbands. I expect to marry him someday. Sometimes, I really do respect him. But how, in those moments of feeling belittled, demeaned and devalued, can I truly respect him in the way a woman should? I know better than to "validate" his harsh words. I don't receive them. I know they aren't true. So I shame him for speaking to me like that. I lash out. And realize in my anger I've completely disrespected him in every way. But I want to be a godly wife. Anyone who has been in a long relationship or is married: How do you show your husband respect when he "attacks" you? Men, how would you expect a godly woman to respect her husband when he's in his dark moments, insulting her personally and spiritually? Godly submission surely does not mean accepting the insults as truth. I really struggle with this.

Thanks for your insight and wisdom in advance!