I've been addicted to inappropriate content for nearly 20 years. I'm still struggling with it somewhat but I've been doing better. Does anyone have any suggestions?
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The best thing for addictions is not to give them up but replace them. Example if you always stop and buy chocolate on the way to work. Then stop and buy a coffee instead.
Also when we have nothing to do or get bored we give in to temptation as we are looking for things to do. Maybe stay away from the computer when you think you might be tempted. Go for a walk or a cycle etc.
Sorry can't be more helpful
Hello GracetotheHumble,
Thank you for sharing your pain, and your sin. You're doing well to take the first steps to bring this out into the light.
I've battled P addiction almost my whole life. And I'm 44 now. So that's many years. And I've had a lot of bumps along the road when it comes to having victory. I've been to counseling and numerous 12 step groups for PA.
Allow me to share what I'm been doing.
1) Practice daily accountability
Having a meeting once a week isn't enough for me. Even if I have to have multiple accountability partners to ensure I have someone to share with daily, that's all right. Daily phone calls to friends or group members are a must. I should not wait until I'm feeling the "burn". Calling people not only helps me out of my social anorexia, but also creates a habit that makes it easier for me to reach out when I'm not doing well. Online accountability helps too. Sharing my progress through my own thread on a site for Christian inappropriate content addicts really helps... a lot.
2) Practice consistent daily quiet time with the Lord.
I honestly never have put much emphasis on a daily commitment with the Lord until recently. I know that pastors talk about the importance of that a lot. But it's something that wasn't too encouraged in my 12-step environment. Thus, my quiet times were very sporadic. But now, it's crucial that I have my daily quiet times. And I hold myself accountable daily for these quiet times with other people. That is crucially important.
3) Practice transparency with my wife.
I've always been afraid of sharing everything with my wife. But now I recognize its importance in building intimacy and trust. So she is my main accountability partner. Now, that means that she may have some emotional reaction to my thoughts and actions. So I will need other accountability partners to provide me support. But if she knows everything that is on my mind and life, she feels more confident that I'm desiring purity and honesty in our relationship. This includes everything from how my relationship with God is doing, to whether or not I've acted out, or crossed any boundaries, or checked out any women, or entertained any fantasies, or had any angry violent thoughts, etc. Habitual honesty also is a big motivator in keeping my thoughts and my actions pure. Knowing that I will tell my wife if I've been impure will motivate me to refrain from crossing that line to begin with. Also, I see that having my wife know that everything in my recovery is visible to her on my online forum postings can create a sense of truth and safety for her.
4) Practice positive healthy behaviors in my life.
I call this my outer circle. It's not enough to just stop the inappropriate content and masturbation. I need to replace it with something good. This helps to me demonstrate self-love. It will also prevent the chances of "white knuckling" and help me to maintain a positive attitude. Positive attitude is very important during this process. Also, it's important that I hold myself accountable for doing these positive behaviors. Most days, I'm now so focused on filling my day with positive behaviors that there really isn't any time for inappropriate content or masturbation.
5) Do not ignore the borderline behaviors.
You know those behaviors. They are fantasizing, checking out women, flirting with women, watching R-rated movies, MB. If I don't keep a lid on those behaviors as well, I'm simply committing foreplay to set myself up to act out again in more destructive ways. For instance, the 3-second rule does not apply to me. Three seconds is a long time to objectify a woman. If my wife catches me ogling another woman for 3 seconds, she would not be happy.
6) Have your boundaries listed out on paper.
I have a 3-circles boundary sheet that clearly lists my inner, middle, and outer circle boundaries.
Inner circle consists of behaviors that are clearly acting out and loss of sexual sobriety. (Examples are using inappropriate content, adultery, going to a strip bar.)
Middle circle consists of things that may not be acting out, but they are still not good for my well being. (Examples are not going to bed on time, watching a violent movie, or gambling.)
Outer circle consists of healthy behaviors that I need to incorporate in my life. This is actually more challenging than it seems. (Examples are praying, calling friends, exercise.)
Boundaries should be very specific. Thus, if I have any question about whether or not a behavior is crossing the line, I should be able to tell by reviewing my boundary sheet.
7) Have a disaster recovery plan.
In case I do act out, my disaster recovery plan will help me to regain my composure. It's bad enough to act out. It's another thing to butcher up my Outer Circle behaviors because I was so "down in the dumps" that I couldn't take care of myself. Receiving a 1-2 punch from the devil is not a good thing to experience. The plan is designed so that I'm challenged to make amends to myself quickly and bounce back from a slip or relapse.
Gracetothehumble,
So far, I received 6 months of sobriety from P and MB by the grace of God. I've been a chronic relapser for most of my life. But this has been a good year so far for me. If you would like, we can help each other. Please PM me if that's something you would be up to. Thank you.
with accountability I tried that but since I have same sex attraction christian men have held reservations on being an accountability partner and still unable to find one. If it was not same sex attraction then it be less of an issue. Anyway for me I rely on prayers and that can help.Allow me to share what I'm been doing.
1) Practice daily accountability
Having a meeting once a week isn't enough for me. Even if I have to have multiple accountability partners to ensure I have someone to share with daily, that's all right. Daily phone calls to friends or group members are a must. I should not wait until I'm feeling the "burn". Calling people not only helps me out of my social anorexia, but also creates a habit that makes it easier for me to reach out when I'm not doing well. Online accountability helps too. Sharing my progress through my own thread on a site for Christian inappropriate content addicts really helps... a lot.
2) Practice consistent daily quiet time with the Lord.
I honestly never have put much emphasis on a daily commitment with the Lord until recently. I know that pastors talk about the importance of that a lot. But it's something that wasn't too encouraged in my 12-step environment. Thus, my quiet times were very sporadic. But now, it's crucial that I have my daily quiet times. And I hold myself accountable daily for these quiet times with other people. That is crucially important.
3) Practice transparency with my wife.
I've always been afraid of sharing everything with my wife. But now I recognize its importance in building intimacy and trust. So she is my main accountability partner. Now, that means that she may have some emotional reaction to my thoughts and actions. So I will need other accountability partners to provide me support. But if she knows everything that is on my mind and life, she feels more confident that I'm desiring purity and honesty in our relationship. This includes everything from how my relationship with God is doing, to whether or not I've acted out, or crossed any boundaries, or checked out any women, or entertained any fantasies, or had any angry violent thoughts, etc. Habitual honesty also is a big motivator in keeping my thoughts and my actions pure. Knowing that I will tell my wife if I've been impure will motivate me to refrain from crossing that line to begin with. Also, I see that having my wife know that everything in my recovery is visible to her on my online forum postings can create a sense of truth and safety for her.
4) Practice positive healthy behaviors in my life.
I call this my outer circle. It's not enough to just stop the inappropriate content and masturbation. I need to replace it with something good. This helps to me demonstrate self-love. It will also prevent the chances of "white knuckling" and help me to maintain a positive attitude. Positive attitude is very important during this process. Also, it's important that I hold myself accountable for doing these positive behaviors. Most days, I'm now so focused on filling my day with positive behaviors that there really isn't any time for inappropriate content or masturbation.
5) Do not ignore the borderline behaviors.
You know those behaviors. They are fantasizing, checking out women, flirting with women, watching R-rated movies, MB. If I don't keep a lid on those behaviors as well, I'm simply committing foreplay to set myself up to act out again in more destructive ways. For instance, the 3-second rule does not apply to me. Three seconds is a long time to objectify a woman. If my wife catches me ogling another woman for 3 seconds, she would not be happy.
6) Have your boundaries listed out on paper.
I have a 3-circles boundary sheet that clearly lists my inner, middle, and outer circle boundaries.
Inner circle consists of behaviors that are clearly acting out and loss of sexual sobriety. (Examples are using inappropriate content, adultery, going to a strip bar.)
Middle circle consists of things that may not be acting out, but they are still not good for my well being. (Examples are not going to bed on time, watching a violent movie, or gambling.)
Outer circle consists of healthy behaviors that I need to incorporate in my life. This is actually more challenging than it seems. (Examples are praying, calling friends, exercise.)
Boundaries should be very specific. Thus, if I have any question about whether or not a behavior is crossing the line, I should be able to tell by reviewing my boundary sheet.
7) Have a disaster recovery plan.
In case I do act out, my disaster recovery plan will help me to regain my composure. It's bad enough to act out. It's another thing to butcher up my Outer Circle behaviors because I was so "down in the dumps" that I couldn't take care of myself. Receiving a 1-2 punch from the devil is not a good thing to experience. The plan is designed so that I'm challenged to make amends to myself quickly and bounce back from a slip or relapse.
Gracetothehumble,
So far, I received 6 months of sobriety from P and MB by the grace of God. I've been a chronic relapser for most of my life. But this has been a good year so far for me. If you would like, we can help each other. Please PM me if that's something you would be up to. Thank you.
Try NoFap.com
But I warn, do not become obsessed about quitting this addiction; if you're thinking about not thinking about P, you're still thinking of P. In other words, don't keep staring at your wounds, it may seem the heal slow - just like looking at time, it drags! But if you look away, forget about it, carry on, all of a sudden time flew - your addiction will be the same.
You are were you are, deep down in 20 years - do not expect a few days of months, even years, to climb out. I've read there's one rule: DON'T QUIT
The best thing for addictions is not to give them up but replace them. Example if you always stop and buy chocolate on the way to work. Then stop and buy a coffee instead.
Also when we have nothing to do or get bored we give in to temptation as we are looking for things to do. Maybe stay away from the computer when you think you might be tempted. Go for a walk or a cycle etc.
What is a disaster recovery plan? What does it entail? I am in a sexless marriage and I have relapsed several times and it makes me severely depressed and causes severe anxiety and panic attacks. I have been free from P and M since March though thank God. I went a whole year before, but during that time my wife was still intimate with me from time to time. Now she has stopped altogether. Can anyone help?
I have tried nofap.com but overall I did not find anything useful and I could not find an accountability partner as well there that lasted a week. With nofap most people there are not Christian but of course everyone there wants to overcome inappropriate content addiction.Try NoFap.com
But I warn, do not become obsessed about quitting this addiction; if you're thinking about not thinking about P, you're still thinking of P. In other words, don't keep staring at your wounds, it may seem the heal slow - just like looking at time, it drags! But if you look away, forget about it, carry on, all of a sudden time flew - your addiction will be the same.
You are were you are, deep down in 20 years - do not expect a few days of months, even years, to climb out. I've read there's one rule: DON'T QUIT