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my OCD and thinking i lost salvation testimony

annashiwave

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I received Jesus in my heart less than a year ago. The first months were full of joy and blessings. All my life i had been dealing with painful psychological issues (panic disorder, phobias, mild ocd, depression, self-injurious behaviours, bulimia nervosa, unstable relationships walking between love and the next moment hatred, aggression, mistrust, alcohol abuse etc.). During that period, I was already into intensive psychotherapy for 2 years, and before that I had been seeing psychologists since my adolescence (I’m 27 now). When I believed in Christ all my problems seemed to be overcome very quickly (compared to my rhythm of progress until that time). It was my boyfriend who talked to me about Jesus, and everything seemed as if God had sent him to me so that my life would change through Christ and so that I would finally truly love someone, not letting my fears and pride destroy another relationship. I was totally in love with Jesus, and feeling God’s presence everywhere, in music, in the sky, in nature. The prayer I would always pray was “Lord please make me love others, I only want to have love in my heart, I don’t want anything else. Just to love.” I joined a bible study group and was feeling the joy of being part of the brethren. In February I got baptized in the water and it was the happiest day of my life. Then my bf left the country to work abroad, but I was happy because I had Jesus with me. During this period I started having some attacks from the enemy, especially during prayer. It was intrusive blasphemous perverted images or phrases which at first shocked me. At first it wasn’t intense, but after a while it got quite intense. I asked my bible study teacher about it and she explained to me some things about spiritual warfare, resisting the devil etc. I felt comfort for a while, but then the storm started... Meanwhile I was researching on different doctrines and got very confused about which was the right path, did I belong in a heresy etc. At some point I was very upset with my bible study class and was feeling as if I had been a part of something without knowing what it was (btw, the bible study is simply born-again Christian/ apostolic/ bible-only, not at all heretic). Then, soon I realized that I had been confused and what I had thought about these people was totally wrong. I started having extreme feelings of guilt. I talked to my teacher about it and she told me it was ok, if I had repented there was no problem, God always forgives. I thought ok, but at the same time the intrusive blasphemies were getting more and more intense and frequent and I (or the devil) made the assumption “God doesn’t release me from these attacks because I have done terrible things. Maybe thinking negatively about other Christians and about true Christianity, was the unpardonable sin”. My teacher explained to me what the unpardonable sin actually is and that I had in no case committed it. Then a terrible guilt trip started, where I would consume myself trying to remember what I had done, said or thought in the past that might have been the unpardonable sin. For about 2 months I was constantly feeling amazingly guilty and a terribly small person. The intrusive blasphemies were only getting worse. And then floods of condemning thoughts came along. I would hear voices in my head saying “you will never be forgiven, not in this life, nor in the next one”, “you were never my daughter, I never knew you”, to the point where I couldn’t sleep anymore. I had to be on the phone with my boyfriend in order to fall asleep, I was in constant terror, I had heart palpitations and chest pain all the time, I even went to a cardiologist to find out if I was dying or not, as the thought “my heart is rotten” (literally and metaphorically) had become another obsession. I would fall asleep and have nightmares, then wake up an hour later with heart palpitations. I remember searching in the Bible trying to find out what had happened in my case. Wherever I would read passages where Jesus was speaking to the Pharisees it was like it was pointing at me. I lost my appetite for food, I couldn’t eat nor sleep, I couldn’t talk about anything else except the things that were concerning me. There were nights where I would think of hell and sweat, then I would fall asleep thinking of my friends in heaven. I was feeling happy to think of my friends in heaven. My teacher and my boyfriend kept on telling me I was not condemned, and that it was Satan attacking me. We were praying together and for a moment I was feeling delivered and then I was back in the same situation again. Terror, confusion, obsessive unwanted blasphemies, condemning thoughts and feelings. “Hypocrite! Who do u think you’re fooling? Do you think you can fool God? You are a person with a rotten heart just like the Pharisees”. This lasted for about 3 months on a daily basis. One day I decided that I have to admit I have a rotten heart. Whenever my mom or anyone else would talk to me I was trying not to speak nicely because I thought “im a hypocrite, I’m rotten so I should act as a rotten person”. I almost went mad. I thought “ok.. at least I’ve learned many things about Satan, so I’m gonna make a comic on Satan’s strategies and the lost sheep, in order to help other Christians” I was feeling some comfort on that thought but then again the same thoughts followed “hypocrite, you don’t wanna help anyone, you just wanna please God so that He won’t send you to hell” so I decided I couldn’t do anything as I was a total hypocrite who could no longer know what was genuine and what was fake. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I went to visit my bf in UK as I was feeling that it was my last hope. But things only got worse. OCD had become severe. Dialogues kept on going in my head. Blasphemies, then “please Lord forgive me”, then “I rebuke u Satan in Jesus name” “Who do u think u are to use Jesus’ name?” “Im sorry I shouldn’t have done that” then again unwanted blasphemies……. Even the simplest things had become hard. I couldn’t make a tea for my bf as the words “hypocrite” were shouting in my head “you wanna pretend you’re a nice person, you don’t belong here, you want to pollute those Christians”. And then worse things happened. One day as I was sitting there trying to keep my mind busy with anything but those thoughts, new intrusive phrases came upon. This time it was clearly sexual and blasphemous at the same time, and VERY intense. My first reaction was to stop breathing and start praying “please God kill me, please kill me”. I spent everyday lying on the floor crying and begging God to kill me as I couldn’t live like that anymore. I was feeling like a filthy monster. But things only got worse. Those thoughts started becoming even more powerful and concerning not only deities but people also. They would “attack” anyone or anything. I would see an unknown person on the street and floods of sexual perverted disgusting phrases and images would come along. I didn’t wanna get out of the house, I was feeling like a criminal. Then, I couldn’t even watch a movie. I was feeling extremely disturbed and disgusted. My bf kept on telling me “it’s not from you, It’s from the enemy”, and at times I was feeling comfort but other times I was exasperated saying “NO I’M A MONSTER, I MUST DIE, I’m sure God is disgusted by me”. Meanwhile I was researching on my condition, (knowing it was obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression, along with spiritual warfare, but I wanted to find out if I needed to meet with a deliverance ministry or not. I have studied psychology so I knew that OCD is an exhausting disease which can be relieved by medicine, but I was very negative towards using medication). One day we went to a church for deliverance. I had fasted for a week and was full of hope. But during prayer I was feeling totally faithless and stupid. Nothing happened, I was just even more disappointed. People also advised me to keep on reading the Word of God, but most times it was impossible as just at the view of the Bible I had severe attacks, or while reading I couldn’t comprehend what I was reading. Same thing would happen while listening to Christian music, watching Christian videos etc. Then I came back to my hometown. I remember when I was at the airport, I had a clear mind for a couple of hours, I was crying thanking God for those moments where I could simply look at people and not think of disgusting things. I believe that my brain function had really been disturbed as when I saw my pets they seemed weird to me. I was hugging them and thinking “why do they look like this? They are strange”.. I decided I would dedicate all my time into reading the Bible and christian books. Praise God, the demonic oppression while reading the Bible seemed to had let go off me, so I could read the Bible without many distractions. So I was reading and praying with tears all day long. I had written passages and words of faith and kept on repeating them aloud even while driving. But things wouldn’t change. I was only getting more and more severe depression and ocd. People would tell me “think of the blood of Jesus” or “rebuke Satan in Jesus’ name” or “just live your life, get busy with things”, but it was impossible for them to understand that I could not think normally. Even while cooking or drinking water I had intrusive blasphemies or other disgusting thoughts. At some point I was thinking that if this thing doesn’t stop I will become unable to eat or drink because of disgust. If a person is awake 16 hours daily, ocd was present for 13 hours of the day. Every minute it was there. One day I was sitting with a friend and confessed to her that I was more depressed than I had ever been in my entire life. I had stopped going out because I couldn’t stand seeing people, I couldn’t watch tv, I couldn’t even stand hearing conversations. EVERYTHING was a trigger of perverted disgusting thoughts. Only my pets would offer me some relief and speaking to my bf. During all this period I had another symptom: analyzing every single thing for hours. For example I would think “Jesus’ death was the most painful death of all” and then I was feeling like I had to overanalyze that phrase in order to prove that I really meant it, that there was no hypocrisy or lie in it. That was also torture. My teacher suggested that we would pray for the baptism of the Holy Spirit. So we did. It was not a very good idea, since I was feeling terrified that some of the usual intrusive unwanted sh*t would appear during prayer. And it happened. So the same day, while overanalyzing the sacrifice of Jesus I found myself facing it in a totally ungrateful, insensitive, terrible approach. I immediately freaked out. I assumed that I had blasphemed the Holy Spirit during prayer and that everything is over (eventually I realized that that day I hadn’t blasphemed the Holy Spirit, I suppose I grieved the Holy Spirit). That day was the beginning of the biggest torture. The same night I fell to bed and had terrible demonic attack in means of inner voices repeating curses non-stop high-speed, I was feeling my head would burst. I slept and had horrifying disgusting nightmares.. The following days were simply hell. This time I was 100% certain about my condemnation. And that led me to curse God and Jesus (it was by my will, not OCD this time)……….. I was thinking of God and Jesus totally different than they actually are. I was thinking that they were not listening to me anymore and that I was a joke even for Satan. I believed I was made to suffer. Then I couldn’t feel repentance. I wanted to repent so badly but I just felt dead. I couldn’t pray, I couldn’t even cry anymore. I couldn’t feel love for God, so I assumed I had been cut off of His Spirit. I was just feeling hell awaiting. I decided to kill myself but my bf stopped me the last minute. Then I was put in a mental hospital for two weeks. It was also a nightmare, except over there I could sleep (because of all the pills I was given). I kept on trying to find a plan to disappear somewhere and commit suicide without my family knowing. I didn’t wanna send them to hell with me. I was thinking of God constantly. I was just sitting at the sun thinking “God gave us everything, what was my problem? Oh yes, I was not chosen/ I blasphemed Jesus, why? Who knows why.. it is too late.. He hates me now/ I committed the unpardonable sin”. Guilt was accompanying me 24/7. Disgusting thoughts and feelings were still there. Meanwhile I had stopped talking to all Christians, my bf got to the point of telling me that it is my choice to go to hell. I was feeling abandoned and rejected by all Christians (even though it was not true). In the hospital I started a suicide attempt but was interrupted by my mother visiting. I remember one day I went to play the piano (they had one inside the hospital) and I played “Revelation song” by Jesus Culture. Tears were falling from my eyes. I was thinking of Jesus’ kindness and glory. Then I suddenly stopped playing thinking “it is over, just admit it.” And then I had the most stupid idea ever “I will try to convince myself that there is no God, meaning there is no hell as well, so I will be able to survive until my family passes away, then I can kill myself or whatever”, so I rushed to leave the mental hospital, even though the doctors wouldn’t let me. I promised my parents I would not commit suicide and they signed for me. When I came out of the hospital ocd had become kind of milder. All the rest was the same. I started researching on atheism, atheist arguments etc. but I just couldn’t get convinced. I knew it was not true. And then one day I was writing a letter to God asking Him why He created me as my reason of being born was just to suffer eternally etc. and at the end of my letter I wrote “Nevertheless, I’m gonna miss you” then I cried so much I hadn’t cried for a long time, I prayed and said “please, please if I have any chance please I need to hear your voice now” but silence. A few days later I went to my piano and felt like playing revelation song again. I imagined Jesus/felt His presence sitting at my couch looking at me while playing the piano. I felt so ashamed for all I had said to Him, I felt so touched, so happy and so sorrowful at the same time.. I felt repentance. That was the starting point of my healing and deliverance.
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annashiwave

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I went back to bible study and church. And at church I would only cry out of repentance. Then this guy who I had never seen before came to me and told me that God spoke to him about me through Ephesians 1, and that he felt God telling him that I should stick to who God really is and who I really am in Christ. That I should stop wandering between darkness and light, and that I should just walk in light. That day I felt delivered. I went for coffee with this guy (who is a pastor after all) and his lovely wife, and I could laugh, I could look at people and have no ocd thoughts, I was feeling free!!!!!! Praise God! Since that day I only got better. But, in case you’re going through something similar, keep in mind that restoring your relationship with God might take a while. Don’t be impatient. Almost daily I would still have some thoughts that would say “you’re fooling yourself, you’re still condemned” but I would deny it and everyday I would feel closer to God. I felt like not only did God forgive me, but Jesus also took a burden off of me “Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest, take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls”. How great is our God. I entered the mental hospital in July and by August I had reduced my medication to half dosage. Today, less than 3 months after the beginning of medication, I’m free of all medicine thank to Jesus, the kindest healer. And I feel stronger than ever before. As for OCD i came to the point of letting the thoughts just pass by, pretending they're just the most insignificant stupidities which were not even worthy of my attention (msg me if u want further advice on that). My bf has become cold over our relationship after all this, and if I still was who I was before this story, I would have split up with him in the worst way , drinking alcohol and doing things with any guy I met. But I feel that the Lord answered my prayer “please make me love”. I’m full of hope and trust.My most significant emotional problem was the terror that people would abandon me. I had to come to the point of believing that everyone had abandoned me in order to hope for me and others, for our relationships. I had to come to the point of believing that even God, Jesus had abandoned me, that He hated me, in order to realize the simplest truth that “God is love” and “love bears all things, trusts in all things, hopes for all things, endures in all things. Love never fails” God never fails. God is wise and through hardship He teaches us and answers our prayers. To close this testimony, I must say that during all this time there were Christians who were praying for me daily, and I know that without them I might’ve been lost. If u have done anything which makes you believe you’re condemned, first of all make sure it’s not the enemy lying to you, and if that’s not the case, even if you feel like you can’t pray, please, please pray for repentance and please ask others to pray for you.
Feel free to contact me if you need any advice or just to talk to someone.

p.s. i believe that medication did help me for ocd at that period -it was Abilify which i've heard from other ocd sufferers that it helped-
 
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dabro

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Ididn't read all your post but this is classic OCD. My OCD is where I look at all the evil I do and have done then I think I'm dead and my name isn't in the Lambs book of life. Then I fear at any moment I'm going to be thrusted into hell forever. We all say I would trade you theme etc but, when it really comes down to it there all painful and I'm sorry that you had to go thru this so early in your Born Again age. So what you need to do is try to ignore. I know it's hard and meds are there to help you. This with all of us can very well be demonic but I think our brains are just wired wrong. I have massive guilt over things I've done. And it's so hard to see the Love and the Grace and mercy of God when we are always defending ourselves by ruminating. I understand what your going thru. I wished I was 100% positive I am going to Heaven. But I said to satan earlier today. YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME IN HEAVEN. So our problems are momentary and Like I said. over time you'll learn coping skills and you'll better understand how this illness works.
 
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dabro

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You could lean on God like when you take a xanax and say wow! God thank you for taking my burden and giving me hope. Because I talked to my mom and she gave me so much insight into giving God everything. He wants that He wants to take it and let the load off of you.
 
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annashiwave

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hey dabro, thank u for your reply! Praise God i feel like i don't have ocd anymore. there are a few thoughts daily but i just ignore them. CBT (cognitive-behavioural therapy) can help ocd sufferers, since it trains people on techniques which actually affect the brain function. Letting the thoughts be there is number one advice. i remember i was relieved in the thought "God knows which thoughts are from my heart, and which thoughts are from ocd, and which thoughts are directly from the enemy, so i won't keep myself busy with that." the Bible says "cast your cares upon the Lord, for He cares for you". since that day i decided to let the thoughts pass by without paying ANY attention. for example the word "[bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]" would appear. in the past i would immediately ask for forgiveness, rebuke the thought or use crazy techniques such as splitting the word into letters, replacing letters, imagining the word in a cloud which i would "kill" by a sword lol , making images of other similar words with neutral context etc. that's recipe for disaster....... our brain considers those thoughts very important so it just keeps on bringing them up. the more we spend time on the thoughts, the more they repeat themselves. i remember that since the day i decided to let it be, there were moments where the thoughts would come and play in my brain repeatedly. i wouldnt get desperate, i wouldn't think negatively, i would just continue with what i was doing. i trained myself to pretend like nothing was happening. even the simplest thought such as "oh it's here again" or "i can't stand this anymore" is enough to trigger a new appearance of the thought. in a few weeks the thoughts had become so weak.. last night one of the most usual phrases i had during ocd appeared and i thought "woww!! i had forgotten about you".
as for the general guilt feeling.. please keep in mind that God wants us to love and forgive ourselves. and the God-kind of love forgives and forgets "I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and WILL NOT REMEMBER thy sins. Put me in rememberance: let us plead together: declare thou, that thou mayest be justified" (Isaiah 43:25-26) "For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will i REMEMBER NO MORE" (Hebrews 8:12). Kenneth Haggin in his book "Love, the way to victory" writes "Why does God say that He won't remember our sins for His own sake? So that He can bless us! He blots out our sins for His own sake so He can help us and demonstrate His great mercy and love on our behalf. .. Once you recognize that your sins have been blotted out, then you can pray effectively by bringing your case before God. but you can only do that when you learn to forget!" So, forgiving / loving yourself is crucial. God commands us to love one another as we love ourselves. If we don't love ourselves than it's like putting an obstacle in our relationship with God. Loving oneself in means of accepting, respecting, forgiving, believing in yourself, is essential. Maybe you should read some articles (google "stronghold of fear towards God") or books on that. Satan loves this stronghold. I used to think of God and tremble. But the "fear of the Lord" i believe has nothing to do with terror and condemnation. i see it as fearing Him because He is the Almighty God, the absolute force, the one who holds the universe, the most amazingly powerful and wise entity. But remember that what God wants is a loving relationship with Him. He wants us to see Him as a loving Father who put to work the wisest plan (that of salvation) by sacrificing a part of Himself for us. Always remember of Jesus' kindness and tenderness. I remember while struggling with ocd and spiritual warfare i even had a distorted image of Jesus for a while, i would think of him as a cruel judge who was sending me to hell. that's crazy and dangerous. Jesus is our greatest hope, He is "the propitiation for our sins" (1 John 4:10) and "if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous" (1 John 2:1), He is our advocate!! He adores us!!
and something last.. please keep in mind that through hardship God usually wants to train us, He wants to teach us something so that we become wiser and stronger. OCD's emotional basis has to do with a deep feeling of guilt and responsibility which is usually caused by childhood trauma. we tend to carry such traumas, unconsciously for all our lives. maybe you should consider your past, e.g. you might've grown up in a very strict or overprotective dysfunctional environment where you would always feel responsible for anything bad happening, always feeling inadequate and worried. I think you should pray to God to show you what's the real wound behind your ocd problem. brain dysfunction does occur, but the roots are always in our inner emotions. healing the wound combined with using the right techniques for the brain i believe offers great relief from ocd.
 
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annashiwave

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as for what u told satan (that he won't be able to harm u at heaven) yes please keep thinking of that. i remember i had this thought too (whenever i wouldn't feel totally condemned) and it was a great comfort. imagining that one day there would be no ocd, there would be no terror no confusion no guilt. just lying on a white puffy blanket..
 
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mpj

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I just read your post Anna and I can so relate! Thank you for being so honest and transparent...that in and of itself shows how far you have come. You just don't know how many people you are helping with your testimony. Please pray for me because I am fighting anxiety, ocd, and depression once again at 32 years old. My testimony differs a little from yours because I have been saved since I was a child but for the first 10 years of my life I grew up in a church that instilled alot of ungodly fear in me add to that the experience of childhood abuse and neglect and you can see how what I am currently battling was cultivated. It took me being hit with severe depression and ocd at 17 years old for me to leave the church I was raised up in. Little did I know that God would use that as a catalyst to lead me on a journey to teach me how to grow in my relationship with Him. Which I did not understand growing up being that I mostly taught about what was a sin and how not to make God mad. I wish I could tell you I no longer deal with constant thoughts of guilt, shame, and condemnation but that is not my reality yet...though I have experienced victories along the way. God lead me to a nondenominational church that believed in the fivefold ministry and operated in an apostolic anointing. Through that ministry I received much revelation and deliverances but not total healing yet. Even before God led me to that Spirit led New Testament church He was beginning to show me things through His word that I had never seen before when I was growing up in the church I was raised in. For example...He took me through the whole book of Acts to teach me about how the church is really supposed to be on earth. As much as I was blessed through that ministry that ministry is no longer in operation which has left me without a church home and a strong Christian support system as I battle through this demonic oppression. Like you I am very aware I am battling demonic opposition I just don't know what else to do. The spirits that ushered in the anxiety and depression keep manifesting but they are not leaving. I don't want to get back on medication again. I got off because it felt and looked like things were better...and I am concerned that getting back on would hinder my deliverance but I don't know what to do. I humbly ask for you and all my brothers and sisters to please pray for me because I am in the fight of my life and I am so afraid!
 
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Alma Moore

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I went back to bible study and church. And at church I would only cry out of repentance. Then this guy who I had never seen before came to me and told me that God spoke to him about me through Ephesians 1, and that he felt God telling him that I should stick to who God really is and who I really am in Christ. That I should stop wandering between darkness and light, and that I should just walk in light. That day I felt delivered. I went for coffee with this guy (who is a pastor after all) and his lovely wife, and I could laugh, I could look at people and have no ocd thoughts, I was feeling free!!!!!! Praise God! Since that day I only got better. But, in case you’re going through something similar, keep in mind that restoring your relationship with God might take a while. Don’t be impatient. Almost daily I would still have some thoughts that would say “you’re fooling yourself, you’re still condemned” but I would deny it and everyday I would feel closer to God. I felt like not only did God forgive me, but Jesus also took a burden off of me “Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest, take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls”. How great is our God. I entered the mental hospital in July and by August I had reduced my medication to half dosage. Today, less than 3 months after the beginning of medication, I’m free of all medicine thank to Jesus, the kindest healer. And I feel stronger than ever before. As for OCD i came to the point of letting the thoughts just pass by, pretending they're just the most insignificant stupidities which were not even worthy of my attention (msg me if u want further advice on that). My bf has become cold over our relationship after all this, and if I still was who I was before this story, I would have split up with him in the worst way , drinking alcohol and doing things with any guy I met. But I feel that the Lord answered my prayer “please make me love”. I’m full of hope and trust.My most significant emotional problem was the terror that people would abandon me. I had to come to the point of believing that everyone had abandoned me in order to hope for me and others, for our relationships. I had to come to the point of believing that even God, Jesus had abandoned me, that He hated me, in order to realize the simplest truth that “God is love” and “love bears all things, trusts in all things, hopes for all things, endures in all things. Love never fails” God never fails. God is wise and through hardship He teaches us and answers our prayers. To close this testimony, I must say that during all this time there were Christians who were praying for me daily, and I know that without them I might’ve been lost. If u have done anything which makes you believe you’re condemned, first of all make sure it’s not the enemy lying to you, and if that’s not the case, even if you feel like you can’t pray, please, please pray for repentance and please ask others to pray for you.
Feel free to contact me if you need any advice or just to talk to someone.

p.s. i believe that medication did help me for ocd at that period -it was Abilify which i've heard from other ocd sufferers that it helped-
That has really blessed me and sounds like my story.
 
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Alma Moore

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I went back to bible study and church. And at church I would only cry out of repentance. Then this guy who I had never seen before came to me and told me that God spoke to him about me through Ephesians 1, and that he felt God telling him that I should stick to who God really is and who I really am in Christ. That I should stop wandering between darkness and light, and that I should just walk in light. That day I felt delivered. I went for coffee with this guy (who is a pastor after all) and his lovely wife, and I could laugh, I could look at people and have no ocd thoughts, I was feeling free!!!!!! Praise God! Since that day I only got better. But, in case you’re going through something similar, keep in mind that restoring your relationship with God might take a while. Don’t be impatient. Almost daily I would still have some thoughts that would say “you’re fooling yourself, you’re still condemned” but I would deny it and everyday I would feel closer to God. I felt like not only did God forgive me, but Jesus also took a burden off of me “Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest, take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls”. How great is our God. I entered the mental hospital in July and by August I had reduced my medication to half dosage. Today, less than 3 months after the beginning of medication, I’m free of all medicine thank to Jesus, the kindest healer. And I feel stronger than ever before. As for OCD i came to the point of letting the thoughts just pass by, pretending they're just the most insignificant stupidities which were not even worthy of my attention (msg me if u want further advice on that). My bf has become cold over our relationship after all this, and if I still was who I was before this story, I would have split up with him in the worst way , drinking alcohol and doing things with any guy I met. But I feel that the Lord answered my prayer “please make me love”. I’m full of hope and trust.My most significant emotional problem was the terror that people would abandon me. I had to come to the point of believing that everyone had abandoned me in order to hope for me and others, for our relationships. I had to come to the point of believing that even God, Jesus had abandoned me, that He hated me, in order to realize the simplest truth that “God is love” and “love bears all things, trusts in all things, hopes for all things, endures in all things. Love never fails” God never fails. God is wise and through hardship He teaches us and answers our prayers. To close this testimony, I must say that during all this time there were Christians who were praying for me daily, and I know that without them I might’ve been lost. If u have done anything which makes you believe you’re condemned, first of all make sure it’s not the enemy lying to you, and if that’s not the case, even if you feel like you can’t pray, please, please pray for repentance and please ask others to pray for you.
Feel free to contact me if you need any advice or just to talk to someone.

p.s. i believe that medication did help me for ocd at that period -it was Abilify which i've heard from other ocd sufferers that it helped-
Awesome testimony
 
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Alma Moore

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I am having a hard time today. I'm so depressed and afraid. I can't shake this feeling. I have gone through a lot of things that you went through and still going through it. I'm not sure why but it's a feeling that's hard to shake. I have cried out to the Lord. I've told him my thoughts and feelings. I just want to be normal again. I don't want him to hate me and I don't want to be mad at him. I have no reason to. But these thoughts are so centered around him, Jesus and the Holy Ghost. I hate this. I feel so abnormal. I can't help but look at other people and envy them for being normal and not fighting this battle. Please pray for me.
 
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BookofMatt

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I am having a hard time today. I'm so depressed and afraid. I can't shake this feeling. I have gone through a lot of things that you went through and still going through it. I'm not sure why but it's a feeling that's hard to shake. I have cried out to the Lord. I've told him my thoughts and feelings. I just want to be normal again. I don't want him to hate me and I don't want to be mad at him. I have no reason to. But these thoughts are so centered around him, Jesus and the Holy Ghost. I hate this. I feel so abnormal. I can't help but look at other people and envy them for being normal and not fighting this battle. Please pray for me.

I've struggled with these thoughts and feelings before. God doesn't hate you and I pray that He will carry you through this.
 
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BookofMatt

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Thank you much. What helped you get through?

Well, I have a lot of outside help like meds and therapy that stabilize the physical aspects, but a lot of my doubt and anxiety is exacerbated by stress and that stress disappears when I give it over to God. Trust is a crucial key in my recovery. I no longer pray to be "normal"...I was made this way and I traveled a long, uphill road before I learned to embrace what He made.
 
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Alma Moore

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How do you just give it over to God especially when a lot of my stress is because of the things I think of him. Well I guess it's resting and knowing its out of my control and he is able to handle it. I never really thought about this being the way I was made. But I guess it's no surprise to him. He knew it even when I first have my life to him about 40 years ago. I'm 51 now.
 
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BookofMatt

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"Letting God take control" is definitely easier said than done. I pinpoint my problems - what's stressing me, what's making me angry - and I talk to God about them. I pray for a multitude of strengths for helping me overcome them; sometimes I'm able to relinquish my stress and see things much more clearly and level-headed, other times I come to realizations over how to better deal with them.
 
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