Hi, I am a 21 year old recently graduated university student. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now and it has definitely not been easy. My parents are traditional and so they wanted me and my boyfriend to wait to be together. I was 19 at the time and my boyfriend was 21. I was still in university at the time and lived under my parents roof. I sought out spiritual council from the two ministers I know and asked what I should do. My parents were very controlling and even though my boyfriend tried hard for their approval they just never gave it. One day, we sat my parents down and told them that we have decided it was time for us to be together. Yes, we are both students, yes we have priorities but we can also be together at the same time. My parents did not like this and started shouting at us and so my boyfriend got mad and protective as I was in tears. Few months later, my boyfriend finally had enough of how I was being treated at home (being controlled) and he sent my father a text message telling him how horrible a father he was and how they should treat their daughter better. Obviously this did not sit well with them and a massive argument erupted. I was at home at the time and my mother wouldn't stop shouting at me and swearing and horrible things were said as this was the only way she knew how to hurt my boyfriend. I left home that night. So fast forward two years, it hasn't been easy. My relationship with my parents are only getting better now and we are becoming close again. We have reconciled and everything is good between us. But my boyfriend wants nothing to do with my parents! And I feel torn! I am always in the middle and I have to keep things separate. My boyfriend refuses to apologise and my parents won't make the first move. I am now at a stage in my life where I want to start thinking about getting married and me and my boyfriend have talked about this a lot. The problem is, I refuse to marry him until he reconciles with my family. But now we are away to break up because he believe he will never apologise. What do I do? Do I fight for my boyfriend and be okay with my parents not being at the wedding or do I let my boyfriend go. I really believe that once he gets back to being on fire for God, he will forgive my parents but he is so certain he won't. My parents are Christians and so am I and my boyfriend. But my boyfriend hasn't been going to church as he was so put off by what happened with my parents. Do I fight or give up?
Parents don't like my boyfriend. Should we end it or fight?
- Thread starter Riicachuu
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My parents said that they had their faults and so did my boyfriend but they feel completely disrespected. They have expressed to me that they have forgiven my boyfriend and is just waiting for him to communicate and make the first move. My parents are traditional Asian parents and in our house, if my parent was in the wrong I was still expected to apologise first and that's when they'll say sorry too. I feel like both of them should apologise to each other but no one is making a move.
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My boyfriend is Scottish. I believe that my parents nit pick and little things like him saying hey instead of hello is a big deal. But I think that the issue now is that because it has escalated no one wants to make the first move and my boyfriend has reached a point where he doesn't want to keep hurting me knowing I'll always be in the middle.
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abysmul
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Sorry to hear your troubles. My life experiences have taught me one thing for sure, just because they are your parents doesn't make them right. You need to decide if you want a long happy marriage to your boyfriend, or is making your parents happy more important. Sometimes you need to make painful choices like this, more will come as you go through life.
Perhaps your boyfriend and you should attend some pre marriage couples type counseling (church or professional).
Perhaps your boyfriend and you should attend some pre marriage couples type counseling (church or professional).
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Here's my 2 cents, from what I can get from this, I believe you are still dating a boy and not a man. I don't believe your boyfriend will ever be ready for a relationship nonetheless a marriage until he is able to learn respect.
Paul Washer was in the exact same predicament as your boyfriend when he was seeking approval from his wife's father to marry her and to make it harder her father was an unbeliever. It took Him many tries, and in all those attempts, he respected the decision of her father, it wasn't until he was 31 where the father finally accepted his many requests. I believe your parents had the right motive in declining in the initial meeting with your boyfriend, I think both of you should've honored your parents decision Exodus 20:12, if your boyfriend was a true man, he would have waited for your parents approval.
If your boyfriend won't even respect your parents, let me put it this way, would you want that mentality in your children?
I want to warn you in continuing with this relationship with your current boyfriend, it sounds like you and your boyfriend are not equally yoked, 2 Corinthians 6:14.
I can only urge you pray, even fast for this decision. I can only imagine how tough it may be for you in this moment of your life.
These are the things I learned that is a sign of biblical matured man
1. personal unaided devotion to God
2. devotion to God's purpose in context of family
3. knowledge and application of the scriptures
4. moral fortitude
5. does he delight in God honoring labor?
There are many sermons from Voddie Baucham, Paul Washer, David Platt and many more on biblical manhood and womanhood.
I urge you to search the scripture first and foremost, seek wisdom from God.
Paul Washer was in the exact same predicament as your boyfriend when he was seeking approval from his wife's father to marry her and to make it harder her father was an unbeliever. It took Him many tries, and in all those attempts, he respected the decision of her father, it wasn't until he was 31 where the father finally accepted his many requests. I believe your parents had the right motive in declining in the initial meeting with your boyfriend, I think both of you should've honored your parents decision Exodus 20:12, if your boyfriend was a true man, he would have waited for your parents approval.
If your boyfriend won't even respect your parents, let me put it this way, would you want that mentality in your children?
I want to warn you in continuing with this relationship with your current boyfriend, it sounds like you and your boyfriend are not equally yoked, 2 Corinthians 6:14.
I can only urge you pray, even fast for this decision. I can only imagine how tough it may be for you in this moment of your life.
These are the things I learned that is a sign of biblical matured man
1. personal unaided devotion to God
2. devotion to God's purpose in context of family
3. knowledge and application of the scriptures
4. moral fortitude
5. does he delight in God honoring labor?
There are many sermons from Voddie Baucham, Paul Washer, David Platt and many more on biblical manhood and womanhood.
I urge you to search the scripture first and foremost, seek wisdom from God.
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dgiharris
Old Crusty Vet
There is a lot of truth to this. When we are young (and especially male) we can't help but be fueled by testosterone and ego. We take slights and insults very personally and we will fight to the death over the principle of the thing. However, as we get older and more mature we start to understand the truth about life. That ego isn't everything, that sometimes being right isn't as important as being happy. That there are some things you can and should just let go.
Time heals all wounds. Ask your boyfriend, does he want to focus on the insults of the past or rather focus on the opportunities of the future.
I would simply just ask him to forget the past. Who cares about apologies and forgiveness and acknowledging who was right and who was wrong. Big flipping deal. How about both sides just pretend the past didn't happen, and just focus on the future. Is it really so wrong that parents would be a bit over protective towards their daughter? And over time, your boyfriend has proven them wrong. No need for him to rub it in their faces (especially if they are proud Asian parents).
Big flipping deal. Just tell your boyfriend to be a man and to man up. This is important to you and if he is a real man, he would care more about your happiness than his pride. Truth be told, he doesn't have to give up his pride. If both parties are willing to just pretend the past didn't happen and to move on to the future than that is that. Water under the bridge.
There is no need to make this into some epic showdown where you pit your boyfriend against your parents.
This sorta reminds me of a popular joke among married men. You can be happy or you can be right, which one would you rather be.
Well, this is your boyfriend in a nutshell, ask him does he want to be happy or does he want to be right. Ask him what is more important, the past or the future.
Good luck...
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Your parents sound off. I'm sorry but you said they erupted even to the point of swearing. That's not very Christ-like. So they have some issues with anger and being controlling. Your boyfriend on the other hand has some problems too. If he refuses to humble himself and reconcile even to the point that now he has dropped out of church, that's a red flag not to go forward in itself. Kudos for seeking the advice of church leaders. The Bible says there is safety in the multitude of counselors. Continue to surround yourself with godly people that will speak wisdom and truth in your life when you need it. Above all, cover yourself, family, and boyfriend with prayer.
You might have to cut your losses if this guy will not repent. Also, beware of your parents possessiveness. While its a noble thing to get their blessing, if they are not walking close to God themselves then the responsibility to make God honoring decisions fall on the individual. The Bible says in Proverbs 19:21: There are many plans in a persons heart, nevertheless it is the counsel of the Lord that shall stand.
Good luck!
You might have to cut your losses if this guy will not repent. Also, beware of your parents possessiveness. While its a noble thing to get their blessing, if they are not walking close to God themselves then the responsibility to make God honoring decisions fall on the individual. The Bible says in Proverbs 19:21: There are many plans in a persons heart, nevertheless it is the counsel of the Lord that shall stand.
Good luck!
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dgiharrris - the thing is that in my ideal world, my boyfriend and parents love each other. But obviously that isn't the case here. I understand why my boyfriend is finding it difficult to let what my parents said go. What my mother said especially should never come out of anyones mouth.... truthfully I am ashamed for her because of what she said.. She said some very horrible things about my boyfriends mother who passed away when he was young ( which he openly shared with my parents trusting them ) and my mother used that to hurt him. Ever since we started dating his mother was a sore topic. She died when he was young and he only has a few memories of her. I don't think he really knows what happened, his family never talks about it and he is scared to upset his dad and his brothers by asking. I think she passed away because of an illness. if it was in insult to him personally like he is too small for my parents standards I don't think he would care.. but this is so personal if I was in his shoes I would struggle to forgive as well.
I tried to ask my parents to forget what happened and to just move forward but they didn't want to. They said my request hurt them because I am still choosing my boyfriend over them. So neither party really want to reconcile...
Me and my boyfriend have broken up at the moment because he is so scared that when the time comes and I had to choose I would choose my family over him. He is so hurt and I can tell that the thing that happened with my parents really affected him. He is sending me a long message which truly explains the reason behind the break up.. I know 100% that it is to do with my parents.
I am stuck. I don't know what to do. I do not want to be apart from my boyfriend.. But I don't know if I can just ignore my parents complete either if I had to choose between them.
Help please?!
I tried to ask my parents to forget what happened and to just move forward but they didn't want to. They said my request hurt them because I am still choosing my boyfriend over them. So neither party really want to reconcile...
Me and my boyfriend have broken up at the moment because he is so scared that when the time comes and I had to choose I would choose my family over him. He is so hurt and I can tell that the thing that happened with my parents really affected him. He is sending me a long message which truly explains the reason behind the break up.. I know 100% that it is to do with my parents.
I am stuck. I don't know what to do. I do not want to be apart from my boyfriend.. But I don't know if I can just ignore my parents complete either if I had to choose between them.
Help please?!
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Thank you everyone for replying!
I realise that him not regularly attending church is a big red flag.. But I believe that its only for the time being. He used to do children's ministry with me in our church and he used to be so active. I believe that the incident with my parents stumbled him with his faith. He thinks how can people who claim to be Christians say such horrible things. I honestly don't know what to do. I've prayed and prayed and still nothing... I thought that keeping my family and my boyfriend separate might work but I think it has gotten to the point that I will have to choose sooner or later. What do I do?!
I realise that him not regularly attending church is a big red flag.. But I believe that its only for the time being. He used to do children's ministry with me in our church and he used to be so active. I believe that the incident with my parents stumbled him with his faith. He thinks how can people who claim to be Christians say such horrible things. I honestly don't know what to do. I've prayed and prayed and still nothing... I thought that keeping my family and my boyfriend separate might work but I think it has gotten to the point that I will have to choose sooner or later. What do I do?!
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