Saved in 2010
carried the Bible in High School
Joined the Army in 2012
Didnt act or think about Christianity majority of the time I was in
Deployed to Afghanistan in 2013
Left the Army in 2015
Now that im out I have no sense of motivation for God or Christianity or life.
I was medically discharged for mental and physical problems, one of the mental being depression. My family goes to church but I find myself sitting at the house by myself. I attend college and still cant find motivation for that and I think Audio Engineering. It would be cool because of the opportunities I would get when im done but I find myself in the same old boring cycle. Get up, drive 2 hours there and back with 2 classes in between time with a 2 hour break in between those classes. Head home, go to sleep and not feel one accolpishment in my boring life. My brother is a preacher and I talked to him recently and he said I am running away from something. I dont know what it is but its hard to keep faith and dedication to something that has dried up in your life. I try to go back to God but nothing happens to make me want to stay. I try and try again and it feels like people think im the problem. Im all for admitting I made a mistake but how can you blame someone who repeatedly tries to go back but gets runned into the dirt after screaming for help time after time and then doesnt want anything to do with it. I believe in God and always will but my mindset now, especially after the Army, is you h ave to rely on the person next to you and if they are unreliable when you need them then dont bother with them. I never have luck with women and I see the dorkiest guy get a girl and im like WHAT? Nothing toward the dorky guy cause thats awesome to me that he has someone but then I look at myself in the mirror and try to see whats wrong with me. I have flaws, no one is perfect but im all for treating a woman right, thats how I was raised, I couldnt hurt a woman. Then on the other hand, you got the total jerks who get the pretty girls but im not that worried about it because todays society is really messed up and if she wants to be treated like scum then by all means go for it. Then my parents say try to find a girl in church, then I try then they dont even want anything to do with me. Then my anger comes out because in the military thats all you had to rely on to get through the day especially if you were a single soldier who had no one to live on when you get back to your lonely stupid empty room. I tried and tried and tried to find a good christian girl and I have even stopped looking for one, but to no prevail. Awesome isnt it? Did God just send me to the Army just so I can come back to even more torture of everyday boring living of trying to fit my families christian agenda and Gods with no sign of prosper or motivation to keep at it? Everything happens for a reason, great, ill tack another number to the countless people who say that. I pray and tell God I love him from time to time and when I try to get back to him it feels like I get slapped back, by what, i have no idea, maybe it is me. But in general, I am getting so sick of finding that one bit of tiny motivation to even come back to him and I am drug away by whatever happens. I have no motivation, no love for anyone besides family, i dont know what I want from life, I am not happy with myself or my life, Its getting harder and harder to get to school because of motivation, my life feels like a hell and if satan was in front of me and I could kill him, I would do it with my bare hands for the crap that happens in my life. Everything keeps turning 180 and it feels like God ignores me or at least doesnt want to keep satan off my back long enough to get a foot hold so I can breath and have happiness, joy, love from a woman, and hope!
Thanks for reading and sorry it was so long, and God bless.
carried the Bible in High School
Joined the Army in 2012
Didnt act or think about Christianity majority of the time I was in
Deployed to Afghanistan in 2013
Left the Army in 2015
Now that im out I have no sense of motivation for God or Christianity or life.
I was medically discharged for mental and physical problems, one of the mental being depression. My family goes to church but I find myself sitting at the house by myself. I attend college and still cant find motivation for that and I think Audio Engineering. It would be cool because of the opportunities I would get when im done but I find myself in the same old boring cycle. Get up, drive 2 hours there and back with 2 classes in between time with a 2 hour break in between those classes. Head home, go to sleep and not feel one accolpishment in my boring life. My brother is a preacher and I talked to him recently and he said I am running away from something. I dont know what it is but its hard to keep faith and dedication to something that has dried up in your life. I try to go back to God but nothing happens to make me want to stay. I try and try again and it feels like people think im the problem. Im all for admitting I made a mistake but how can you blame someone who repeatedly tries to go back but gets runned into the dirt after screaming for help time after time and then doesnt want anything to do with it. I believe in God and always will but my mindset now, especially after the Army, is you h ave to rely on the person next to you and if they are unreliable when you need them then dont bother with them. I never have luck with women and I see the dorkiest guy get a girl and im like WHAT? Nothing toward the dorky guy cause thats awesome to me that he has someone but then I look at myself in the mirror and try to see whats wrong with me. I have flaws, no one is perfect but im all for treating a woman right, thats how I was raised, I couldnt hurt a woman. Then on the other hand, you got the total jerks who get the pretty girls but im not that worried about it because todays society is really messed up and if she wants to be treated like scum then by all means go for it. Then my parents say try to find a girl in church, then I try then they dont even want anything to do with me. Then my anger comes out because in the military thats all you had to rely on to get through the day especially if you were a single soldier who had no one to live on when you get back to your lonely stupid empty room. I tried and tried and tried to find a good christian girl and I have even stopped looking for one, but to no prevail. Awesome isnt it? Did God just send me to the Army just so I can come back to even more torture of everyday boring living of trying to fit my families christian agenda and Gods with no sign of prosper or motivation to keep at it? Everything happens for a reason, great, ill tack another number to the countless people who say that. I pray and tell God I love him from time to time and when I try to get back to him it feels like I get slapped back, by what, i have no idea, maybe it is me. But in general, I am getting so sick of finding that one bit of tiny motivation to even come back to him and I am drug away by whatever happens. I have no motivation, no love for anyone besides family, i dont know what I want from life, I am not happy with myself or my life, Its getting harder and harder to get to school because of motivation, my life feels like a hell and if satan was in front of me and I could kill him, I would do it with my bare hands for the crap that happens in my life. Everything keeps turning 180 and it feels like God ignores me or at least doesnt want to keep satan off my back long enough to get a foot hold so I can breath and have happiness, joy, love from a woman, and hope!
Thanks for reading and sorry it was so long, and God bless.
