I can't believe I am doing this!

DZoolander

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Dude, you need to move on...and the definition of moving on is not even thinking about it. Sitting around with some letter on your desk for days and days doing a self-congratulatory dance that you haven't succumbed to responding back to her (out of spite, no less, wanting her to get the same back that she gave) is the exact opposite of being over someone.

Do you remember what your third crush did that made you upset when you were a teenager? Probably not. Do you even remember who your third crush was? You probably have to think about it. That's the point you should be getting at.

What you really ought to do is throw the letter out, make sure you didn't copy down any phone number, and get about to never thinking about the woman again.

That's what getting on means - and looks like - if that's your goal.
 
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olds8598

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Dude, you need to move on...and the definition of moving on is not even thinking about it. Sitting around with some letter on your desk for days and days doing a self-congratulatory dance that you haven't succumbed to responding back to her (out of spite, no less, wanting her to get the same back that she gave) is the exact opposite of being over someone.

Do you remember what your third crush did that made you upset when you were a teenager? Probably not. Do you even remember who your third crush was? You probably have to think about it. That's the point you should be getting at.

What you really ought to do is throw the letter out, make sure you didn't copy down any phone number, and get about to never thinking about the woman again.

That's what getting on means - and looks like - if that's your goal.

Hey brother,

I appreciate your message, and basically you're right. We're in synch with the notion of moving on. I would just add [with a shrug of the shoulders] how I am moving on is my own method. I simply am enjoying the victory in my own way and sharing it :).
 
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kristina411

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I do think, in a more gentle way of saying it, zoolander is on point with part of it. I dont believe you are fully over it. I do believe though that you have been able to finally let go of your anger which is wonderful.
As opposed to moving on, I say take as much time as you need. You were together for 13 years, planned the rest of your lives together and now it is all over. It isn't just that easy to get over. I have seen this with more than one person. When some ok ne invests themselves fully into a long term marriage and are left without a warning to them, it turns your world upside down. I have seen this in action. I pray I never have to experience it and every once in a while I will check up with my husband, give him a chance to tell me anything good or bad he has been feeling.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. You may not have that longing for your ex wife any more but I know, after 13 years, you are still going to wonder about her. You are still going to want to know how she is. Even if you dont want her to talk to you again, its only natural for you to have thoughts about her. Especially after hearing from her for the first time in years.
Take care of yourself and take as much time as you need to move on, just remember to actually move on. Keep making progress.
 
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olds8598

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I do think, in a more gentle way of saying it, zoolander is on point with part of it. I dont believe you are fully over it. I do believe though that you have been able to finally let go of your anger which is wonderful.
As opposed to moving on, I say take as much time as you need. You were together for 13 years, planned the rest of your lives together and now it is all over. It isn't just that easy to get over. I have seen this with more than one person. When some ok ne invests themselves fully into a long term marriage and are left without a warning to them, it turns your world upside down. I have seen this in action. I pray I never have to experience it and every once in a while I will check up with my husband, give him a chance to tell me anything good or bad he has been feeling.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. You may not have that longing for your ex wife any more but I know, after 13 years, you are still going to wonder about her. You are still going to want to know how she is. Even if you dont want her to talk to you again, its only natural for you to have thoughts about her. Especially after hearing from her for the first time in years.
Take care of yourself and take as much time as you need to move on, just remember to actually move on. Keep making progress.

Thank you for the kind message, kristina411. You are right: in terms of time, 13 years together vs. 2 years apart, there is a difference. I have often wondered how she and her parents are doing. In one sense, I am over her because I can recall pleasant memories or funny jokes she made and not feel mad or sad. I am "on the bubble" at my job and a recent negative response to a job application actually had me more depressed then my ex/divorce I have been so wrapped up in getting a better job and resurrecting my business project, I have not dated or wanted to date. I honestly prefer someone else, but I do not know if I will be working after April and--no offense, ladies--but you need money to have a girlfriend. I said to myself yesterday that currently I cannot afford a girlfriend or a sequel to my ex.

Another reason I do not reply to her is that I do not want any contact because I do not want anything romantic/emotional/etc. starting up between us. I want my love to go to someone new. I do not want to take the chance either of us--ESPECIALLY me, or both of us rekindling anything. I can forgive but I cannot forget. Lastly, I really want to move out of NY and don't want any ties keeping me here. (That's another reason I haven't dated; I don't want to start something here when I don't want to be here.)

God bless you and thanks again for your thoughts and prayers. :wave:
 
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olds8598

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It is almost two months since I wrote the letter to my ex-wife. Her enveloped reply remains atop of my desk, along with bills and my tax returns. I view it with barely any emotional attachment other than still feeling wonderful about my writing and her responding.

I remember a little over a week of not receiving anything from her (we live in different NYC boroughs so mail time is at most two days), I cried to God and asked why she wasn’t responding. My thoughts were not just on the newly sent letter, but her no replies to letters I sent shortly after she returned to her parents’ place and her inaction during the divorce proceedings. (She never responded to when she got served, didn’t contact me or my attorney, nor get her own lawyer.) The last time we communicated was in November 2012 when I called to see if she had saved up for the divorce yet. It’s sad that a marriage, started two weeks shy of the day we met two years prior, ended legally in five months.

I remember I hadn’t checked the mail that Saturday in January because I had returned late from seeing Unbroken. I checked the mail that Sunday morning while doing laundry in my building’s basement washer room. I remember wishing away the last three minutes of the spin cycle after retrieving the envelope from the mailbox; I didn’t know what her letter would say and I would only open it in the privacy of my apartment. I previously wrote here in the thread about what she penned and how I felt. She included her cell number which, perhaps, was God’s opportunity for me to ignore the way she ignored me 2012-2013. Two, three years ago I would have salivated at this chance to give her some of her own medicine. Two months ago I felt, at most, 1 % happy about this ignoring chance. Now, it is barely a “blip on the screen.”

I haven’t contacted her and don't plan to. It has nothing to do with any lingering malice. In all honesty, I have no personal desire to have her return in my life in any manner. I view her just like I have someone who does drugs: I don’t want to associate them. Until I have another Road to Damascus moment or some other Divinely-given message, I do not feel—at least for me—that forgiving a spouse who wronged you means reuniting with them or maintaining a post-marriage relationship with them. (We didn’t have children, so I guess this feeling might be different if we did.) She also hasn't written anything further.

Boy, I think this forgiving ‘thing’ is spreading ^_^. Earlier this week I briefly considered pardoning my cousin. She and I grew up together and we were more like brother and sister. While I was abandoned by my former spouse and her family in 2012, this cousin was my first “Judas” almost a year earlier. Maybe the Big Guy has another Road to Damascus moment waiting for me. I’d prefer the Road to Rio, a Bob Hope and Bing Crosby movie (Lol) ;).
 
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olds8598

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This past week I had a customer at my job who was just starting her divorce. I shared what I went through, the gift of this forum, going to therapy, etc. It felt really good to be able to help someone who is about to travel the same sad destination you successfully navigated through and give "pointers." We both agreed our meeting was initiated from Above. :amen:
 
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ValleyGal

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Olds, you have demonstrated over the last couple of years how divorce, healing and forgiveness is all a process rather than a one-time thing. I am encouraged to see how far you've come. I remember a long time ago when you talked about writing a letter once...I may have even posted this, but don't remember that part... that rather than just telling her you forgive her, the more important part of forgiveness is asking her to forgive you for specific ways you have hurt her in your marriage.

I have been facilitating healing/discipleship groups for years, and forgiveness is one of the things we discuss for several weeks of the group. The Bible tells us that if we have wronged someone, it is up to us to initiate reconciliation. It also tells us that if we know our brother has something against us, it is up to us to go and initiate reconciliation - and this process is more important to God than it is to make sacrifices to God, attend church, etc. But there is nowhere in the Bible that says we should tell others we forgive them unless they ask....in fact, the Bible is quite clear that if someone asks, we are commanded to forgive, as our own forgiveness by the Father is connected to our forgiveness of others.

I won't question what you believe was the right thing to do, but I do hope that when you wrote the letter, that you included your own request for forgiveness of the ways you have hurt her over the years, especially the ones that directly contributed to the divorce. Imo, Jesus' ministry is reconciliation, and true reconciliation happens when both parties take full responsibility for all the ways they have contributed to the condition of a relationship, and be willing to make amends for them all - which includes accepting the consequences of your behaviour. So while it looks to me like you have extended forgiveness to her, that is only half the amends equation. Now that some time has passed, if you have not already done so, maybe it's time to now ask the Spirit to examine your heart and reveal specific ways that you have hurt her - and then write a new letter with no other intent than to take full responsibility and make amends for them all - that is, ask her to forgive you for each one specifically, while making it also clear that you are not asking forgiveness to re-establish relationship, but simply want to do what the Lord wants you to do, to reflect his ministry so that your testimony of Jesus will be honest, genuine and powerful.

So keep up the good work you are doing, being teachable by the Spirit, and working on your healing so that your next relationship will be healthier and more reflective of Jesus' ministry.
 
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KaliJasmine7

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That's so awesome!! Forgiveness does more for us than anyone else. We received grace from God, so we should also give grace even when it doesn't feel like they deserve it because Jesus gave it to us when we didn't deserve it! I have been working on forgiveness since my separation and my husband filing for divorce and it has released so many negative feelings and I am able to find joy in the Lord. It is truly amazing! You have come so far. I hope one day I can come as far as you!! Blessings!!
 
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olds8598

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That's so awesome!! Forgiveness does more for us than anyone else. We received grace from God, so we should also give grace even when it doesn't feel like they deserve it because Jesus gave it to us when we didn't deserve it! I have been working on forgiveness since my separation and my husband filing for divorce and it has released so many negative feelings and I am able to find joy in the Lord. It is truly amazing! You have come so far. I hope one day I can come as far as you!! Blessings!!

God bless to you, and thank you for the kind words. :blush:
 
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olds8598

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Wow, so much good stuff has happened in the four months since this last post :clap:! I'm continuing with this thread because a couple of new situations occurred which are connected to the original scenario.

Before I get into the continuation, let me say I have passed the one year mark at my current job, I would label myself 99-100% over the divorce, I redecorated my apartment (and continue to do so), I have two personal business projects I am working on which leads me into the next triumphs: I have grown to like being alone because of my projects, and currently don't have a need or want to date or get serious! I am too wrapped up in my entrepreneurial quests and prefer to spend my non-job hours making my business dreams come true! :oldthumbsup:

Now onto this thread. In late March I received in the mail two envelopes pertaining to my former mother-in-law. I opted to send them to my ex (since she returned to living with her parents) with a note. I never replied to her January letter which was her response to my original letter earlier that month. Her January note said she was happy for me and included her cell phone # "if I wanted or needed it." Neither of these offerings were the case.

In my March reply I said the reason why I was mailing her was the two envelopes for her mom, I appreciated the offer of giving me her cell # but "my girlfriend sometimes uses my smartphone." I also relayed to her my general doctor, who she also loved, got colon cancer. Note: I do not have a girlfriend. (My last girlfriend was her.) I said this to let her know I've moved on and to make sure that "wanted or needed" offer from her was not a subtle attempt at some form of reconnecting.

This past Saturday while doing my laundry in my building's basement I checked my mail. The first envelope on top was from her. I knew right away by the handwriting it was her, though she didn't put her return address like on her January envelope. She said she was good "thank God", was happy for me that I have a girlfriend, and felt bad about my doctor. She also said the reason she had given me her cell # in her January letter was in case I needed it for an emergency and that I didn’t need to call her. The tone of the letter was her usual nice demeanor.

If anyone would like to dissect this recent letter and offer your opinion on it, especially why she took two months to reply to my letter--when she really didn't need to, feel free to.

Other than making me mildly curious, the timing of the letter’s arrival was actually a distraction from negatives at work. The past four days were really, really rough and the letter was a welcomed distraction, albeit brief.

To the new folks reading this: you can get through the heartache of divorce, especially an unwanted one like mine! Lock arms with the Lord, “Trust Him and lean not on your own understanding,” pray, read Scripture and do things YOU enjoy doing. Take time to appreciate yourself, your work, your family and friends. Learn a new hobby or craft. If you need therapy, do it! Just make sure you feel comfortable with the therapist. If you have to take meds to help with the emotions, don’t be ashamed. (If for example, you had acid reflux and your doctor prescribed Nexium—you wouldn’t take it?) Lastly, don’t look at my recovery or anyone else’s. Everyone heals at different rates and times. It’s not a race. It’s a process.

God bless! :amen:
 
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Servant68

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I actually looked for a picture of my ex today and forwarded it to my work email since a coworker was interested in what she looked like.

I have avoided even seeing a picture of my ex-wife of 20 years of marriage since the divorce in 2013. It was still painful to even see a picture of her, still... It's getting better, and I have prayed for the spirit of forgiveness towards her. I won't go into details about our situation, but it started as an amicable divorce, then turned ugly when I discovered she had been secretly seeing an old boyfriend from high school the last few months of our marriage.

It will HAVE to be the grace of God that removes all bitterness from my heart, since I apparently am unable to, Lol!
 
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Messy

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I actually looked for a picture of my ex today and forwarded it to my work email since a coworker was interested in what she looked like.

I have avoided even seeing a picture of my ex-wife of 20 years of marriage since the divorce in 2013. It was still painful to even see a picture of her, still... It's getting better, and I have prayed for the spirit of forgiveness towards her. I won't go into details about our situation, but it started as an amicable divorce, then turned ugly when I discovered she had been secretly seeing an old boyfriend from high school the last few months of our marriage.

It will HAVE to be the grace of God that removes all bitterness from my heart, since I apparently am unable to, Lol!
It took me a few years. We split up in 2009. He took the kids and lied to the judge. In 2010 we had mediation and after that coparented. He chatted with someone else when we were married. I ran off with the first one I met in a mental hospital. We had a very unchristian filthy divorce. I tried to slam him afterwards. He took my 3 month old baby. A year later I called him and said I was sorry I ran off with the first one I met. He said he was sorry for chatting and lol that he never meant to take the kids. Still it took another 1 or 2 years before I was really healed up and could forgive him for what he said to me when we were married. I already attended his church. He's a pastor, whole church collapsed. He said something wrong during the service and I flipped out. The other ones that lied to the judge and told garbage about me were also in that church. I said: Lord I cannot forgive him. Then God showed me what I did and said to him and I said: I choose to forgive him and He just did it. Lately I saw our marriage pictures. My parents still had them. The kids were looking too, us kissing. They had to laugh. Lol I could only laugh about it. It was funny. I really don't care anymore. Love him as a brother. If I had money I'd give it to him so he can get his wife from Brazil here. This holiday I can stay in his house when he goes to Brazil to marry. He has a swimming pool in his garden. Now I have to hurry up, we go to his church.
 
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olds8598

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Servant68 and Messy,
Re: pictures…

I have never been able to keep pictures (and mementos) from an ended relationship. It’s too painful. In 1997 when I broke up with the girlfriend before I met my wife, I put everything cutsie/sentimental/etc. in a box and left it at the front desk of her work building. Our jobs were in Manhattan less than a mile apart. So after we were apparently done, I got up one morning early and went to her building with the filled box. I told the concierge this was for so-and-so of ABC company. Never heard from her again.

Do I have any regrets? Nope.

When my wife in 2012 said she wanted a divorce so she could no longer have a man in her life and she could return living with her parents, there was still a lot of her clothes and stuff remaining here. So I got four boxes and packed her stuff along with our wedding picture, album, and video; birthday/Valentine’s Day/etc. cards; lovey-dovey notes; etc. She was going to come up with her brother and get the items. I told her to have him bring his SUV because of the number of boxes. She had no idea that our stuff was mixed with her stuff. I remember her looking at the boxes when the brother and I were putting them on a dolly from my super.

“That’s all mine?”

I don’t recall if my response was a bland “Yeah” or a sarcastic, “What do you think?” I think it was the latter.

My sentiment then was a combination of my too-painful-to-keep-don’t-want attitude and my belief that if she wanted the marriage ended then she’d have to keep all the remembrances. I don’t think I ever wanted to be the proverbial ‘fly on the wall’ more than that day in her folks’ apartment when she opened those boxes.

Do I have any regrets? Nope.

Would I do the same thing again for the next relationship goes south? Yep.
 
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Servant68

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It's quite a different story to keep around photos of ex girlfriends versus 20 years of marriage and raising two kids together. Throwing away pictures of her means also throwing away pictures of my kids when they were little; their first steps, first birthday, first home run, graduation, etc.

No... I'll keep the pictures around and someday I can look at them without that twinge of pain in my gut...
 
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olds8598

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It's quite a different story to keep around photos of ex girlfriends versus 20 years of marriage and raising two kids together. Throwing away pictures of her means also throwing away pictures of my kids when they were little; their first steps, first birthday, first home run, graduation, etc.

No... I'll keep the pictures around and someday I can look at them without that twinge of pain in my gut...

Makes sense.
 
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