This past week OCD took on a new theme. I just feel really compelled to share what happened to me. So if you're struggling, know that you're not alone. It was a few months ago I think that my mom had made a comment to my grandma about how I had found my own "religion". She's a Jehovah's Witness (fortunately my mom left that religion as a teen and never got baptized so my older sister and I weren't raised in that; praise the Lord.)
This led to this huge rant from my grandma about how I couldn't find my own religion. If you knew my grandma she's not the ranting type but she got really riled up. She kept going on and on about how the JWs had "the truth" despite other people calling them false prophets. How they were the only group of people who preach door to door (not true). How Christians believed that all good people would go to heaven (not true). And she said something along the lines that if God wanted everyone to go to heaven why did he create earth and a lot of other things I chose to tune out because it was such an uncomfortable conversation. I wasn't interested in arguing with her and she took my silence as agreeing and had a smug look on her face. It was depressing.
After that I develop this compulsive habit to check ex JW sites where people had found Jesus. I kept checking to make sure it was still wrong. Even though there have been so many false prophecies, it's ridiculous. God's word is pretty clear about that Deuteronomy 18:22. But they make excuses though, claiming new light which is basically nonsense where the say that changes come because the light is getting brighter so they can reach true revelation (or they're not perfect people) or something like that. I've done a lot research. There was a time during the 1960s where they claimed that getting an organ transplants was cannibalism and banned them until 80s (but they pretend these things never happened it's called old light) people in the congregation don't even know about these things unless they do research or were there when it happened. God's sole channel of communication (that's what they call themselves) they are not.
I understand what Jesus said about having the faith of child. When I was kid and I was told these wrong things about God and had no reason not to believe what they said. I know why it's wrong but still I kept checking.
This all came to ahead last week. I'm fully aware that I can't save myself. The thought that I would ever have to makes me nauseous. I know we are not under law but grace Romans 6:14 but I couldn't get my feelings to line up with that and then the thoughts came. How can you get your family saved when there are days you question your own salvation?
From there it spiraled into all these thoughts about believing the wrong thing again. What if you snap and run off to another false religion? Then there were thoughts of Islam and allah. Why my brain chose to fixate on this one specific religion I can only assume had something do with the fact that I took a silly what religion should I be quiz a couple of a times few years back and it suggested Islam. Regardless of the reason I felt awful. I would read the bible and have thoughts like how do you know any of this is real you weren't there? I've never had any doubts about the bible or Jesus (granted I had the wrong one)
I wondered that if by having these thoughts that meant I was never saved in the first place. I'd read and again a thought would pop into my head why do you believe in Jesus? All my reasons for believing had been silenced by ugly ugly lies. I couldn't remember anymore. I felt sick to my stomach and some of my early mornings were spent crying and checking sites to discredit those thoughts.
This led to this huge rant from my grandma about how I couldn't find my own religion. If you knew my grandma she's not the ranting type but she got really riled up. She kept going on and on about how the JWs had "the truth" despite other people calling them false prophets. How they were the only group of people who preach door to door (not true). How Christians believed that all good people would go to heaven (not true). And she said something along the lines that if God wanted everyone to go to heaven why did he create earth and a lot of other things I chose to tune out because it was such an uncomfortable conversation. I wasn't interested in arguing with her and she took my silence as agreeing and had a smug look on her face. It was depressing.
After that I develop this compulsive habit to check ex JW sites where people had found Jesus. I kept checking to make sure it was still wrong. Even though there have been so many false prophecies, it's ridiculous. God's word is pretty clear about that Deuteronomy 18:22. But they make excuses though, claiming new light which is basically nonsense where the say that changes come because the light is getting brighter so they can reach true revelation (or they're not perfect people) or something like that. I've done a lot research. There was a time during the 1960s where they claimed that getting an organ transplants was cannibalism and banned them until 80s (but they pretend these things never happened it's called old light) people in the congregation don't even know about these things unless they do research or were there when it happened. God's sole channel of communication (that's what they call themselves) they are not.
I understand what Jesus said about having the faith of child. When I was kid and I was told these wrong things about God and had no reason not to believe what they said. I know why it's wrong but still I kept checking.
This all came to ahead last week. I'm fully aware that I can't save myself. The thought that I would ever have to makes me nauseous. I know we are not under law but grace Romans 6:14 but I couldn't get my feelings to line up with that and then the thoughts came. How can you get your family saved when there are days you question your own salvation?
From there it spiraled into all these thoughts about believing the wrong thing again. What if you snap and run off to another false religion? Then there were thoughts of Islam and allah. Why my brain chose to fixate on this one specific religion I can only assume had something do with the fact that I took a silly what religion should I be quiz a couple of a times few years back and it suggested Islam. Regardless of the reason I felt awful. I would read the bible and have thoughts like how do you know any of this is real you weren't there? I've never had any doubts about the bible or Jesus (granted I had the wrong one)
I wondered that if by having these thoughts that meant I was never saved in the first place. I'd read and again a thought would pop into my head why do you believe in Jesus? All my reasons for believing had been silenced by ugly ugly lies. I couldn't remember anymore. I felt sick to my stomach and some of my early mornings were spent crying and checking sites to discredit those thoughts.
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