Struggles with Girlfriend..Need advice

JRO116

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I've been dating my gf for 4 1/2 years now. we always felt strongly about each other and stated we have full intentions of marrying. but about a month ago, we hit a stop. we stopped really seeing each other, and she started hanging out with her friends more..

since then, we don't talk as much, and recently she said she wants a "break" and she gave me the "I'm young" and wanna explore more. Also she stated that i "hold her back" from certain things. We had a talk after about 3weeks of not seeing each other, and told her thats crazy talk and i have supported her in everything she has ever done, even when i didn't like it. then she bring up how we have differences in beliefs..while she is a catholic, she supports gay marriage. i am a protestant, i never felt it was a big issue since i was raised catholic, but i made a long Facebook post about how christians cannot say the gay marriage ruling was ok..so she stated we have different beliefs..

I've had a few relationships before, and i know when someone wants a break, they wanna see other people. but she repeated thats not the case. she's also been telling me she can't hang out with me, yet goes out to hang out with her friends..for the past 2-3 years, I've prayed to God to help her see christ more, and use me as the instrument. to help her live for God and have him at the center of her life..but she's more of just a sunday catholic, and only goes because of her family..i would hate to give up, cuz idk if this is all of Gods way of building out relationship..but at the same time, the stuff she tells me makes it sounds like she doesn't wanna be with me anymore...what do i do? I've prayed about this, and still can't find clarity between the 2..
 

Gentle Lamb

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Perhaps it may be best to step back, give her room, don't get in touch with her, and just pray about the situation and for her... God is definitely capable of working in her life and maybe He is trying to take you out of the picture for a while... just focus on your personal relationship with God for the moment. Won't necessarily be easy to do but you'll be praying for her, which is the best thing you can do. Pray for yourself and your relationship with God as well.
 
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paul1149

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On the manifest level you need to let her make her own choices. On the spiritual level you need to place it on the altar of God. Be willing to intercede, but above all be submissive to God's will as He will reveal it. If this is a permanent choice of hers you will be protecting yourself. If it's a temporary detour you'll still do best holding your peace and drawing near to God. Stay open to new things and new opportunities God will show you.
 
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Some assorted and probably unrelated (to each other) comments:

1) The reasons she's given you might be bogus; maybe she's wanted to break up for a while but you never saw it. So, now maybe she's got enough reasons to point to, maybe 1 or 2 "big" ones -- and I mean "big" in the sense that they'll probably pass the smell test to justify a break-up. Those reasons may or not be lame. She probably doesn't even care if they are lame. "Whatever works to get me out of this" is probably what she's thinking.

2) Most women aren't going to wait around forever for a ring and a date, as Schlessinger says. Talking about marriage doesn't get it done. Any woman who wants to have a husband and kids is going to want some hard evidence of commitment. Like a big, hard diamond.

3) I'm guessing the relationship was stuck in a rut, not much new/exciting happening from week to week. Women want to go places and do things and eat food and hear live music, and not always the same places and things and food and music. And not Burger King or Pizza Hut or the hack band playing (barf) classic rock in the club down the street, either.

4) There's a good chance she's already got a new guy but you just don't know about it yet. Women are great at hiding that sort of thing. Men, not so much. In my experience, women seem to ease in and out of relationships so seamlessly that you can't tell when one ended and the next began, but men seem to create more-defined "breakpoints" between Relationship N and Relationship N+1. I think a lot of this has to do with the different way men and women fit themselves into their surroundings (a book all on its own, and probably already written).

If I were you I'd just shove what remains of this off a cliff and walk away, if for no other reason than your own sanity. No more communication in any form. Learn what you can from the experience and take it forward into whatever next relationship you get into. If will be of huge value to your next gf. Changing the sexes for a moment, if I had the choice between a woman who'd always done everything right and a woman who'd made a truckload of mistakes over the last ten years and learned hard lessons from them, I'd take the mistake-maker/survivor in a heartbeat. The best mates are the ones who've had their hearts broken by themselves -- and suffered so badly from it that there's zero chance they'll mess up again. Those are the keepers.
 
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BFine

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If she feels she too young to get married
or that she wants to explore other options
(whatever they may be)
then it's best to step back and spend more
time in the Word of God and being about
kingdom work-- for example: sharing the
Good News of the gospel with others.
 
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ValleyGal

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I think it's time for a brutally honest discussion with her - make sure it's "honest". Let her know your feelings, that you feel her pulling away. Ask her if she still wants to be with you. If so, I agree with the earlier member who said women do not want to wait forever. You've been together a long time. What has been stopping you from setting a date?

If she is becoming unsure about being with you, the best thing you can do is let her go, and ask her to get together with you in a month or two to re-evaluate the situation. The time apart where you do not pursue her at all might make her realize that she misses the stability your relationship offers, or it might make her want to continue doing her own thing. Either way, you will have an answer.
 
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JRO116

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Thanks for everyones advice. I had a talk with her sunday where i pretty much said keep doing what your doing with this "break" stuff, or were done....she really stated she wants to be together and nothing funny is going on with her, and she just wanted a break to focus on herself...still saying 2 different things...she has a suprise party set up for her mom on saturday, so im going to that. I gotta see how it all feels after that
 
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Odetta

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I had to reread your post several times, and I have to say that I think she wants out of the relationship, plain and simple. She's given all the excuses I used to give to guys in my teens when I wanted to break up with them, and was too scared of confrontation to just say, "I want to break up with you." As that former girl, I can say it is particularly hard to do when the relationship has gone on for far longer than maybe it was meant to, and the guy is a nice guy. Not proud to claim this, it's just how I was then - too immature for the relationships I was in.

As a kindness to yourself, don't let this linger. I think you need to have a calm and honest talk with her to get a definitive answer to are you going to stay together or not. And FYI, "I need some time apart" often means, "let's break up for good" from someone too scared to be truly honest.

I'm sorry for the impact on your heart in all this.
 
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Sadiegrl

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Hi JRO116,

I'm sorry you're dealing with this stress, I remember when I was younger and less secure with myself, the fear of losing my boyfriend of 4 years was the utter worst. Even though we were both Christians, had an apartment together and talked about marriage, sometimes it is just not God's will for you to be together. Of course, God will not force anything on you, but if you stay too long in a relationship that is not "meant to be" then it becomes toxic. People change and do terrible things to each other, even if it isn't in their general nature. As in my example, my long term relationship got hostile in the last year when he lost his job and stayed home while I worked. I guess he felt intimidated or what, but he completely changed and became physical with me, progressively getting worse. I remember praying to God, "Lord if you want me to leave him, let him hit me again..." Then felt as if God was like...Ahem, did you just hear your own prayer? People get crazy when they hold too tightly to something out of a mix of fear and love.

Bass4Jesus gave some really great advice and perhaps all is spot on...and Odetta really pointed to a female's perspective and experience from girls who don't like confrontation. She does seem like she's alluding to a break up and you wouldn't want to get a text one day because she's too uncomfortable saying it to your face. After the surprise party if you still feel like she's distant, then I agree with Bass4Jesus and say that you should just walk away and heal and wait to see who God brings next into your life. I made a few of my own relationship mistakes to where I learned what didn't work and I now enjoy a wonderful relationship with my hubby and we have learned to ride the storms of life together. I hope you can too.

Blessings in Christ
 
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Goodbook

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I would say she just wants to be friends and maybe you being clingy. As a female thats how I see it. I think ppl too chicken to break it up so they just do that.

Thats no way to live. Also...the protestant catholic thing is not gonna work. From catholic pov, you need to be married in that church or it will excommunicate you.
From protestant or non catholic pov, you cant agree with all the extrabiblical doctrines of catholicism if you saved by Jesus.
 
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JRO116

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Thanks everybody. I sepnt the last 3 days and nights with her. I need encouragment more than ever. I saw texts of her and some other guy and her saying she likes him and all this mushy stuff..i couldnt believe it. I was right all along.

Whats really annoying me, yet satisfying to me is how i handled it. I wasnt mad, didnt yell at her. I was calm and for some reason i still love her. I prayed that God would lead me to the right way to deal with this. We talked for hours and she was crying and was sorry for everything. And i accepted it every time and told her im willing to work through, because i feel like every relationship goes through this.

I find comfort knowing this is how God loves us. No matter how much we mess up, God forgives us. Its satisfying to me that im able to love like this. That God works through me and im able to understand him more with this situation.

I told her i will forgive her, and just want her to be committed to me like i am to her. While she praised me and admired me for my actions, she still couldnt say she would..she still wants time alone..i told her, as a test, to text the guy she was talking to infront of me, saying they cant talk anymore....she couldnt do it..

This is a hard time for me. I feel like i acted how God wanted me to, loved how he wanted me to, and i still get this outcome. Encouragement and insight is deeply appreciated. Thanks everyone
 
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ValleyGal

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I'm sorry you are going through such a painful time, but thank God that he is teaching you some beautiful truths about himself right now. As long as you do not allow this to harden your heart, you can learn, grow and develop your character and your faith during this painful time.

Now let's take a look at commitment. It's made up of two independent factors that when they are interdependent, they make up commitment: Care and Consistency. Your girlfriend has neither, and you are starting to realize this. She has not cared enough about you to stop allowing the threat to the relationship, and she is not consistent because she says she wants to be with you but yet she likes this other guy and won't give him up as she likely goes back and forth between you in her heart and mind. From a woman's perspective, she likely has not been committed for a long time, and if you look back, you may be able to see the signs of the lack of care and/or consistency.

You will have a broken heart for a while, and then you may eventually start wanting to date again. Let me caution you. Do not move in with her, do not engage in sex outside of marriage, learn about her by allowing your logic to work in conjunction with your feelings and your hormones, but having more authority over your feelings and hormones. Then when you want to make the relationship exclusive, be sure to consider whether she is "all in" and how much you believe she will always be "all in."

For now, though, place your focus on the Lord Jesus, his healing and learning to live in obedience to the Word.
 
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paul1149

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JRO, you did well to hold your temper and to forgive. These fruit of the Spirit are an adornment to you and will work Christlikeness in you, an increase of favor with God and man. And that's what it's all about.

On her side, I don't see that anything has changed. Crying over the mess is not the same as change of heart. It's certainly not the necessary recommitment. I would give the requested space to her. If she's headed out permanently, then there is no other option. If this is a mistake she will repent of, I still see it as what you must do for now, now that you've forgiven and wished her the best, because she has to learn what she has to learn.

God can do anything, but we have to deal with the hand we're given (deut 29.29). Trust in Him and try to discern His will. Vent your brokenness in your prayer closet. He can handle it, and He will hold you and heal you. This is a time of turning all your heart toward the Lord, as soul ties are being broken (Heb 4.12). It's painful for a time, but it yields the peaceable fruit of full reconciliation to God (Heb 12).
 
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DreyDay

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Thanks everybody. I sepnt the last 3 days and nights with her. I need encouragment more than ever. I saw texts of her and some other guy and her saying she likes him and all this mushy stuff..i couldnt believe it. I was right all along.

Whats really annoying me, yet satisfying to me is how i handled it. I wasnt mad, didnt yell at her. I was calm and for some reason i still love her. I prayed that God would lead me to the right way to deal with this. We talked for hours and she was crying and was sorry for everything. And i accepted it every time and told her im willing to work through, because i feel like every relationship goes through this.

I find comfort knowing this is how God loves us. No matter how much we mess up, God forgives us. Its satisfying to me that im able to love like this. That God works through me and im able to understand him more with this situation.

I told her i will forgive her, and just want her to be committed to me like i am to her. While she praised me and admired me for my actions, she still couldnt say she would..she still wants time alone..i told her, as a test, to text the guy she was talking to infront of me, saying they cant talk anymore....she couldnt do it..

This is a hard time for me. I feel like i acted how God wanted me to, loved how he wanted me to, and i still get this outcome. Encouragement and insight is deeply appreciated. Thanks everyone

Lots of great advice here. To piggy back on other posters here, stop pursuing her. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Obviously she isn't completely into you anymore, and that's just something you have to accept. She just might not yet be ready to handle a serious relationship yet. Or maybe she is and you two are completely different people, that it wasn't meant to be.

As much as it hurts to hear this, you may have become too clingy and it turned her off. Did you put her on a pedestal and made your life revolve around her? Did you set your own priorities in order to make her happy regardless of how you felt? I know that it hurts to break up with somebody, trust me. But let me tell you this: never make a woman the most important part of your life. I did that and it turned her attraction away from me, and I lost sight of what my purpose was. A woman, especially an attractive one with many options, wants to be with a man who has goals, purpose, and is able to stand up for himself and challenge her if she gives him "tests." Props to being with her for over four years. Most people aren't able to stay in relationships for that long.

Don't let her break up with you. YOU BREAK UP WITH HER; you initiate the "let's just be friends" speech. That way you'll retain the power and most likely have her trying to come back to you. But don't cave in to any smooth talk she tries to give back.

And most important of all: don't ever take dating advice from a woman. This is the time of your life right now where you need strong male mentors who understand male-female social dynamics.
 
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JRO116

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So its been about a month since this all happened. I look back in amazement on how i felt in the beginning, and to see how right everyone was. Heres some updates.

I was friendly and tried to be as loving and forgiving as can be. But i noticed my feelings for her still remained. Until last week, i finally decided to show some anger towards the situation. Not towards her, but towards the guy she cheated with. It really started off as a joke. I said if i ever see the guy, im beating him up. No hesitation..not christ like, i know. But then she got mad and blew up. Started saying all kinds of personal things about me that i found so unnecessary. Again, i started off as a joke.

But interestingly enough, i felt me showing some anger and annoyance towards it, has helped me lose all feelings for her. I know i didnt really do a "good thing", but is it possible that this was necessary for me to finally let go?

Also have trouble talking to other girls. I talk to and hung out with a couple of females, but i just dont know how to deal with it. As in, i dnt wanna get to close to them because i really dnt wanna date anyone right now. But at the same time, i think dating would help me get past this all. So kinda confused on how i need to deal with all of this
 
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