A common problem in marriages

I guess there in lies the problems with christians. Each side will say the same verse can be misconstrued. And likely each side cherry picks what they want to hear anyways so they probably will never give in. Even when confronted with the truth. I've seen couples go to pastors for answers on a verse and when one of them didn't hear what they wanted they would say the pastor was wrong too.

I think another issue with this subject of sex is modern day views and things like extreme feminism. If you bring up the verses about your bodies belong to each other women will quickly get offended and jump to the conclusion that you brought it because you want control. Despite the fact it doesn't say anything about control or men only. It has them thinking that some bible verses are "old thinking". So they feel they must ignore them or changer them to be more modern. In the end the Word IS God. So to ignore or to question a verse that states things clearly is to say God is wrong and its something I try not to do. Not that I am perfect mind you.

This is why if I have kids I'll send them to another country for school because I don't like how christians kids are being taught in this country anymore. To many world views, to much peer pressure. Especially if we have a daughter. I don't want to her to get sucked into the more modern christianity that seems to be happening.

(shrugs) When I listened to the beginning of the video my thoughts were chances are if the easy going guy had mentioned what he did in the therapist's office at HOME chances of them NOT being in the therapist's office would be pretty high. If he never said anything? She wouldn't have any idea he felt the way he did. He needs to be a bit more proactive it sounds like. When people get busy - anyone - they don't stop to think about things. He should have made her slow down and hear him, but it may be against his a nature to do so. ie: easy going personality is what she said. To me it was a serious glitz in the relationship, but it can be worked out. How? He opened her mind and heart by opening his mouth. Great START!

When people come to forums like these the problems tend to be more intense and serious. Chances are the lack of sex is just a byproduct of the issues at hand. I don't get the impression that common communication issues like described in the story in her video really relate to serious martial issues. More common run of the mill ones? Sure. Her story was a basic communication exercise, and reminding the other party of their partner's needs and desires. We all need that at one time or another. Yet, I don't get the impression the stories we read here are the 'common' type of issues in marriages...yet tend to be very serious ones.

It might be a good video for a refresher course for some marriages, but ones that have extremely serious issues? Asking them to ignore the serious problems and just have sex is like putting lipstick on the pig to make it more attractive. It just doesn't work. The pig looks dumb, and you wasted good lipstick. lol in other words you have accomplished nothing!

I think the important message to take away from this video - and one that cannot be argued - is that sex isn't "just sex". It is a way to deeply and intimately connect and bond with your spouse. And when the opportunity to fulfill that need is denied, pain and isolation can be the result. On the contrary, when that need is met, many more opportunities to connect and bond and be intimate (both physically and emotionally) are fostered.

Sex can be a great nurturer for a marriage and the lack of it can be a great divider.

Hannah, I completely agree with your entire post....but this sums it up well:

HannahT said:

When I listened to the beginning of the video my thoughts were chances are if the easy going guy had mentioned what he did in the therapist's office at HOME chances of them NOT being in the therapist's office would be pretty high.

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HannahT said:

It might be a good video for a refresher course for some marriages, but ones that have extremely serious issues? Asking them to ignore the serious problems and just have sex is like putting lipstick on the pig to make it more attractive. It just doesn't work. The pig looks dumb, and you wasted good lipstick. lol in other words you have accomplished nothing!

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Like Hannah mentioned, this video addresses a specific problem (one spouse being way too passive about their needs to where the other spouse had NO clue). It *only* can be applied to a situation like that.

I think the "take-away" would then be for both spouses to make sure their marriage is an environment where both feel free to voice their opinion and will be listened to and actually heard. That takes the effort (and motivation) of two.

sdmsanjose, I would agree with you if everyone read the scriptures from the same viewpoint; but they do not. Some have read every scripture concerning sex from the underlying base assumption that God hates sex, PERIOD. The holier and closer to God you are, the less you want or will even tolerate sex.
It is a deception that one cannot over come by yourself.

There is an area between God hating sex and God mandating that a couple have sex regardless of relational issues (IOW.....equating just the physical aspect of sex with genuine love). I don't believe that's God's desire for us (to concern ourselves merely with the physical---at the expense of the spiritual and emotional).

mkgal1 said:

There is an area between God hating sex and God mandating that a couple have sex regardless of relational issues

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Yeah - and that is a very wide area.

mkgal1 said:

I don't believe that's God's desire for us (to concern ourselves merely with the physical---at the expense of the spiritual and emotional).

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Agree. I would further say that us subdividing every thing down that far is going beyond what God intended as well. God is interested in the whole package working together as a unit.

DaveW-Ohev said:

Yeah - and that is a very wide area.

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Exactly. My point was that your previous post seemed to imply that there are only two options: holy = no sex or obedience = sex no matter what. I believe the truth is usually somewhere in the middle (although there *are* those that are called to be single and celibate---I don't discount that). The two extremes is a lot like what the Ephesians were dealing with in their confusion and trying to navigate what it means to "walk in the light".

Agree. I would further say that us subdividing every thing down that far is going beyond what God intended as well. God is interested in the whole package working together as a unit.

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I'm not sure what you mean. You may have misunderstood my point, because I'm not implying something like working contrary to a unit---in fact, that's exactly what I *do* mean---being truly united as one in mind; body; and soul (not just in the physical sense).

What makes you think that's *not* what God intends (and how is that "subdividing every thing down that far")? Isn't the whole message of the Bible to love Him with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength? Isn't that what brings us into unity with the Body of Christ (when all parties are doing that.....like in the early part of Acts)?

mkgal1 said:

My point was that your previous post seemed to imply that there are only two options: holy = no sex or obedience = sex no matter what.

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I do not hold to that opinion but it seems that there is a great divide. Some come down at one end and many more at the other; with only a few in the middle.

mkgal1 said:

(although there *are* those that are called to be single and celibate---I don't discount that

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Nor do I.

mkgal1 said:

You may have misunderstood my point, because I'm not implying something like working contrary to a unit---in fact, that's exactly what I *do* mean---being truly united as one in mind; body; and soul (not just in the physical sense).

What makes you think that's *not* what God intends (and how is that "subdividing every thing down that far")? Isn't the whole message of the Bible to love Him with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength?

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Perhaps I did misunderstand. In Hebrew (aka biblical) thought, man is a unit; just as God is One. The distinctions between body soul and spirit are not considered important. (almost not recognized at all)

I am in a sexless marriage. Being on the receiving end of this, I can tell you that everything this marriage counselor discussed is so true. There is a tremendous amount of pain I've experienced over the years in dealing with a passive-aggressive husband who thought that because I am his wife -- I just need to put up with not having my sexual needs met. He definitely had this expectation that I should remain 100% faithful while he continued to refuse my sexual needs. Recently I went to see a Christian therapist who told me, "A marriage without sex isn't a marriage. What you have is a complicated roommate situation."

A sexless marriage is often defined as having less than 10 sexual encounters a year which includes roughly 20% of marriages. As a woman, I often feel like I'm in the minority for having a higher sex drive than my husband. I wish I knew other Christian women who overcame this in their marriages. Thank you for posting this ted talk LinkH. It was really helpful. I posted this up in a mending marriages group I belong to online and it was well received.

DaveW-Ohev said:

Perhaps I did misunderstand. In Hebrew (aka biblical) thought, man is a unit; just as God is One. The distinctions between body soul and spirit are not considered important. (almost not recognized at all)

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In saying that---are you suggesting a person cannot deny or suppress their emotions (because I thought we'd already had a conversation about that and how damaging it is when a person does that)?

By-Aurelia
There is a tremendous amount of pain I've experienced over the years in dealing with a passive-aggressive husband who thought that because I am his wife -- I just need to put up with not having my sexual needs met.

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Your husband needs to have someone talk to him firmly; in fact get in his face. He is failing his marriage vows and is not showing his love for you but is showing his selfishness. In short, he is a cop-out! If he is a Christian then he has no defense against Ephesians 5:25

I hope that he has some male confront him and not let him use any excuses. If your husband still will not turn from his selfishness then you will have to make some decisions for yourself. There will be negative consequences in the long run that cannot be avoided if he refuses to turn from his selfishness.

The answers for making a marriage better are in the scriptures but the problem is that men and women will cop-out of the scriptures because of their own hang-ups

mkgal1 said:

In saying that---are you suggesting a person cannot deny or suppress their emotions

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Of course not. But it was very uncommon in ancient Hebrew culture.

DaveW-Ohev said:

Of course not. But it was very uncommon in ancient Hebrew culture.

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I'm still confused.

You started by saying this:

DaveW-Ohev said:

I would further say that us subdividing every thing down that far is going beyond what God intended as well. God is interested in the whole package working together as a unit.

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I'm now thinking we're in complete agreement. I don't believe as individuals we should allow our mind/emotions/body (or mind/heart/spirit) to react out of alignment--nor should a married couple. Instead......"being one" is two complete individuals bonded in mind/heart/spirit. Something out of alignment shouldn't be ignored or denied.

Hmmmm, intresting

sdmsanjose said:

Your husband needs to have someone talk to him firmly; in fact get in his face. He is failing his marriage vows and is not showing his love for you but is showing his selfishness. In short, he is a cop-out! If he is a Christian then he has no defense against Ephesians 5:25

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My husband and I have a cycle. He neglects my sexual needs and then I become angry. My anger makes me unapproachable to him so he continues to avoid meeting my sexual needs. It's been extremely difficult overcoming all the sexual rejection from him. At times, it feels impossible to overcome.

After 8 years of this, he says he is willing to try. You're right. There is no excuse. I hope God softens my heart through this as well.

After 8 years of this, he says he is willing to try. You're right. There is no excuse. I hope God softens my heart through this as well.

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You both need to have your hearts soften. If he is willing to try and you admit you need to have God work on you then both of you should get a third party(s) that has Christian wisdom and are proven spiritual counselors. It seems you both are candidates to get better. Both partners that are willing to admit they need help with themselves is one of the first GIANT steps in getting better. There is hope in your situation IMO.

mkgal1 said:

I'm sorry if you're dealing with that (that's the reason why you're focused on this....correct? Because it just doesn't make sense to be so concerned about other's marital issues to this extreme). Prayers for you and your wife.

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My word

Aurelia - I would suggest (especially if your husband claims to be a bible believing christian) going to a website called themarriagebed . com. They have a forum for discussion; but I am going to suggest a couple of articles off of the main page. They are both based on 1 Corinthians 7 and have links to each other. The first one is called "Sexual Stewardship," and the other one (I think) is just 1 Corinthians 7.