just kiddin'

Brain Cramps

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”

–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
–Mariah Carey
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“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”
–Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”
–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”
–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
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“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
–Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
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“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
–Al Gore, Vice President
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“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
–Dan Quayle
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“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
–Lee Iacocca
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“The word ‘genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
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“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”

–Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
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“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
–Bill Clinton, President
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“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”

–Al Gore, VP
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“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”

–Keppel Enderbery
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“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”

–Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
–Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess?
He asked if I’d been ‘puting,
And I had to answer “yes”
He told me to get off my butt
And tidy up the house
And so I started cleaning up…
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside
That really did the trick…
I was just admiring my work…
I didn’t mean to ‘click’
But click, I did, and LOL I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into…
I was into it all night
<<Sigh>>
Nothing’s changed except my mouse
It’s very, very shiny
I guess my house will stay a mess…
While I sit here on my hiney

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. Repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK : Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Dear reader,

There’s the water that I drink in my wake-me-up, heavily caffeinated morning mug of hot coffee. There’s the water that creates my banish-all-sickness, nourishing chicken soup. There’s the water in the refreshing store-bought sorbet in my freezer. And there’s the water in my washing machine cleaning my soiled laundry.

So many different shapes, forms, flavors and usages, but at the core is the same essential property—droplets of water.

People, too, can appear radically different in diverse situations. But, sometimes, if you look closely, at the core, you may discover the droplet, their unifying character or quality. For example, the way a person reacts under duress or tension, just as how he chooses to respond in a relaxed mode, can reveal something deep about his approach to life.

This week’s Torah portion tells the story of Korach inciting a mutiny against Moses. Joining Korach are 250 distinguished members of the community who offer the sacrosanct ketoret (incense) to prove their worthiness for the priesthood, claiming that “the entire nation (and not just Aaron or the priests) is holy!”

The earth swallows the mutineers, and a fire consumes the ketoret-offerers. In the aftermath, G‑d commands that the offering pans be “beaten into sheets used to plate the altar; for they have been offered to G‑d, and have become sanctified.” (17:2–3)

The Rebbe learns an incredible lesson from these copper pans being transformed into the altar on which sacrifices were offered in the Tabernacle, G‑d’s home.

The very metal of these pans was hallowed by an act which was motivated by a holy desire. Though these mutineers acted sinfully and as a result were severely punished, beneath their complaint was a desire--however misguided--to come close to G‑d.

From this the Rebbe extrapolates: “If such is G‑d’s regard for a piece of inanimate metal, certainly no human being is irredeemable. For no matter how deleterious his deeds, they hide a desire and striving, intrinsic to every creature of G‑d, for the goodness and perfection of the divine.”

One short teaching on one verse on one episode of the Torah. One droplet of wisdom, mind blowing in its scope.

Rather than castigating a sinful group of rebellious, jealous individuals to eternal admonishment, the Rebbe concentrates on their underlying positive motive. Moreover, through this unfortunate episode, he teaches G‑d’s infinite love for all of us—even when we sin or are misguided.

And this all embracing way of thinking: digging and mining the positive core value because our world is created by G‑d to serve Him and everything must therefore have some redeeming value--especially G‑d’s chosen people—is intrinsic to how the Rebbe teaches us to view our world.

This coming Shabbat is the 3rd of Tammuz, the anniversary of the Rebbe’s passing. A yarhtzeit is deeply meaningful because it is the day in which the righteous person’s scholarship and good deeds are revealed in an elevated state--and thus even more accessible to each of us.

The Rebbe taught us how to view our world and how to transform it into a better reality.

One small droplet.

And one profound, life-altering gestalt--that utterly alters how we approach ourselves, each other and our very world.

Chana Weisberg

Editor, TJW

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By Chana Weisberg

Chana Weisberg is the editor of TheJewishWoman.org. She lectures internationally on issues relating to women, relationships, meaning, self-esteem and the Jewish soul. She is the author of five popular books.
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This is my adaption of someone else's joke.

Scene description:
Two guys in an apartment, one of them on a couch (guy 1), one in front of a laptop (guy 2).

Guy 1: What was the name of that one show? It had the guy with the vest, and Valerie Bertinelli.

Guy 2: I guess it's called "One Day At A Time"?

Guy 1: That's it! Bring up the theme song. I wonder if I could buy some of her hair to use as a wig.

Guy 2: It's on eBay. Should I Buy It Now?

Guy 1: Obviously. What did we even do before the internet?

WHAT THEY DID BEFORE THE INTERNET:

Guy 1: Can you remember the name of that show with the people on it ?

Guy 2: I can't.

Guy 1: Alright. Let's go work to make the world a better place.

MINYAN MAN

In a Logical World:

- Daredevil would be called Batman, and
- Batman would be called ... I don't know, Gargoyleman or something.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan ...)

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior ...

... that was going on. So he called one of his angels to go to earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."


God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true.

The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the email said?

No?

Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either.