List of Qualities You Want in Your Spouse

redblue22 · May 29, 2015

Do you ever think about how your list might affect others?

You are sitting outside with friends. One of them is a larger woman. The group starts talking about their lists. One of the guys says how he doesn't want a fat chick. The other guys agree and say things about it being unhealthy. I wonder how the larger woman might feel. Everyone was just sharing their lists of what they want.

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MehGuy · May 29, 2015

I only care if it's consistent.

No gender receives special treatment.

LoveDivine · May 29, 2015

I think I understand what you are getting at. I think we always need to be careful to avoid making someone feel terrible or embarrassed. I think sometimes it is all how you word something. In the example you gave, the guy could still list his preferences but say it in a nicer way. Instead of "fat chick" he could say he preferred an active/fit woman. I think that there are many people struggling with insecurities or difficulties and we don't want to add to this. If I know my friend has just lost her job, I'm not going to go on an on about how awesome my career is when I talk to her. It is really a matter of being sensitive. However, a person with insecurities or issues can't expect that everyone around them will always phrase things perfectly. Sometimes people don't mean to be offensive; they just don't think out the effect of their words. I also think it is unfair for a person struggling with weight, addictions, etc to be offended by a person expressing his desire to be with a healthy person. I realize and completely understand that if you are struggling with weight, you are going to feel really bad about yourself at times. The best approach would be to make efforts to change what you don't like about yourself instead of expecting others to accept or sympathize with your flaws. Maintaining my weight has been a constant battle for me for years. I tend to gain weight easily if I am not vigilant and despite being very active (I workout a lot) I will never have a perfect figure. I have accepted that and I don't expect that I will meet every guy's physical preference.

Gnarwhal · May 29, 2015

I think that's why we keep those "lists" private.

redblue22 · May 30, 2015

I get the feeling that most don't give a darn how their words affect others. "It's my right, right?"

MiniEmu · May 30, 2015

I'm a fat chick. Personally I'm far too thick skinned to be bothered by the fact there are people in the world who are not attracted to individuals who look/act/are similar to me. I'm all for open and frank discussions where people can comment on their own personal preferences without worrying someone is going to pop up and comment on how having those preferences is completely unfair/inconsiderate/etc.

However I appreciate that a more balanced human being could possibly find themselves being unintentionally hurt by the words of others as they recognise qualities viewed by some individuals as undesirable in themselves. It would do many people (myself included) a lot of good to think before speaking and consider how we're putting our words together. If we think they have the potential to hurt someone, and that hurt is completely avoidable, then yes we should reconsider what we're about to say.

At the same time individuals are also responsible for their own reactions, meaning it would do us good to sit down and think about the intentions behind those words which hurt us. Is it someone deliberately saying something in a hurtful manner, or is it someone who is being careless in their word choices? Perhaps it's someone who believes that what they are saying will motivate people to see things their way, or maybe they're genuinely clueless about how what they say could be perceived.

Ideally it should be a joint effort - those who make lists should try to think about whether what they're saying could cause hurt, and those who feel hurt should work towards reaching a place where the fact others do say such things is little more than a passing irritation. Ideally. No one needs to go around saying "no fat chicks, that's just nasty"/whatever other example we may come up with, that's poor manners. No one should ever feel that they can demand strangers avoid saying anything which may trigger their particular issues, that swings dangerously close to believing you're entitled to be treated with kid gloves. One party should grow through Christ and work towards selecting their words with more care, one should grow through Christ to help them realise not every negative thing we hear is an insult intended to hurt them.

Do you ever think about how your list might affect others?
I have, and came to the conclusion that as my list boils down to a shadow of a hypothetical partner considering something, not even agreeing to it just considering it, then should someone be upset by this or take it as a personal slight against their character, then they would be upset by anything I said that did not match what they would want me to say.

MehGuy · May 30, 2015

redblue22 said:
I get the feeling that most don't give a darn how their words affect others. "It's my right, right?"

That's true for sure. When they do that, I just give them a taste of their iwn medicine.

LoveDivine · May 30, 2015

redblue22 said:
I get the feeling that most don't give a darn how their words affect others. "It's my right, right?"

I think that is probably true. There are definitely some malicious people that enjoy hurting others, but most of the time, I think that people are insensitive because they are too self absorbed to see the harm they are causing.

MiniEmu said:
I'm a fat chick. Personally I'm far too thick skinned to be bothered by the fact there are people in the world who are not attracted to individuals who look/act/are similar to me. I'm all for open and frank discussions where people can comment on their own personal preferences without worrying someone is going to pop up and comment on how having those preferences is completely unfair/inconsiderate/etc.

However I appreciate that a more balanced human being could possibly find themselves being unintentionally hurt by the words of others as they recognise qualities viewed by some individuals as undesirable in themselves. It would do many people (myself included) a lot of good to think before speaking and consider how we're putting our words together. If we think they have the potential to hurt someone, and that hurt is completely avoidable, then yes we should reconsider what we're about to say.

At the same time individuals are also responsible for their own reactions, meaning it would do us good to sit down and think about the intentions behind those words which hurt us. Is it someone deliberately saying something in a hurtful manner, or is it someone who is being careless in their word choices? Perhaps it's someone who believes that what they are saying will motivate people to see things their way, or maybe they're genuinely clueless about how what they say could be perceived.

Ideally it should be a joint effort - those who make lists should try to think about whether what they're saying could cause hurt, and those who feel hurt should work towards reaching a place where the fact others do say such things is little more than a passing irritation. Ideally. No one needs to go around saying "no fat chicks, that's just nasty"/whatever other example we may come up with, that's poor manners. No one should ever feel that they can demand strangers avoid saying anything which may trigger their particular issues, that swings dangerously close to believing you're entitled to be treated with kid gloves. One party should grow through Christ and work towards selecting their words with more care, one should grow through Christ to help them realise not every negative thing we hear is an insult intended to hurt them.

Do you ever think about how your list might affect others?
I have, and came to the conclusion that as my list boils down to a shadow of a hypothetical partner considering something, not even agreeing to it just considering it, then should someone be upset by this or take it as a personal slight against their character, then they would be upset by anything I said that did not match what they would want me to say.

Well said. I think in general people should try to be more sensitive and considerate of others and less reactionary and defensive. I think the current trend is to be indignant and protest anything that might offend our personal values or exacerbate our insecurities. There are countless arguments about "fat shaming" and "thin shaming", etc. It seems like almost every subgroup in society can claim they are being shamed, lol. There are obviously legitimate instances of bullying but I think most people cannot handle any opinion or view that does not prop them up.

com7fy8 · May 30, 2015

Jesus says not to judge by appearance (John 7:24), but someone might argue that being overweight is because the person does not have the self-control which is in the fruit of the Holy Spirit. But Jesus said for the one without sin to cast the first stone.

We all have self-control problems, of some sort, since we all are not perfect.

So, I am concerned about if I and my companion are both confessing our problems and growing together in how to love.

"Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much." (James 5:16)

I understand that "healed" means being corrected into how God's love has us becoming in our character. And there is almighty control in God's love . . . so that I can stop being critical and so others can stop abusing themselves with food and arguing and complaining and unforgiveness. I have been one to welcome an excuse to look down on someone else; and since I have been slender, I might look down on someone who is overweight, instead of recognizing my conceit problem. Jesus is more concerned about hypocrisy and conceit, I understand, and unforgiveness, than He is about pleasure sins.

"He can have compassion on those who are ignorant and going astray, since he himself is also subject to weakness." (Hebrews 5:2)

scraparcs · May 30, 2015

I wouldn't stick around long enough to listen to all of the fat chick bashing.

Ubuntu · May 31, 2015

I think that one of the dangers of having detailed "lists" is that it quickly can become an exercise in self-centeredness.

We have all these wishes and desires about the traits of a future spouse, but often these lists mirror our own personality. What many are looking for is more or less a clone of themselves, and this is obviously as unrealistic as selfish. I'm not denying that sharing some fundamental core values is a must in a relationship, but I feel that some people have very set ideas about the way they want a future spouse to be. They essentially want someone who corresponds to almost every quirk in their personality.

But let's face it, that's just not going to happen...

steflou64 · May 31, 2015

YankeeGirl said:
I think that is probably true. There are definitely some malicious people that enjoy hurting others, but most of the time, I think that people are insensitive because they are too self absorbed to see the harm they are causing.

Well said. I think in general people should try to be more sensitive and considerate of others and less reactionary and defensive. I think the current trend is to be indignant and protest anything that might offend our personal values or exacerbate our insecurities. There are countless arguments about "fat shaming" and "thin shaming", etc. It seems like almost every subgroup in society can claim they are being shamed, lol. There are obviously legitimate instances of bullying but I think most people cannot handle any opinion or view that does not prop them up.

You are quite right, Yakee Girl-there are malicious people who ENJOY hurting people-I was bullied at work in 1983 by a female supervisor-non stop talked down to derogatory comments! I was so naive I did not know what was going on, though. I had an eating disorder from it! Words have power-look at Dr. Caroline Leaf's blog www.drleaf.com-she will explain it. It was a vicious attack from the enemy that I did not know how to protect myself from.

Al T · May 31, 2015

If you look for a partner based purely on a list, then surely you are ruling out plenty of fine people who would be perfect for you otherwise.

People are always more than a sum of their individual parts. Just because one element isn't right, it would be a foolish person who'd reject them straight off.

Now, those who are into Body-shaming are just trying to deflect away from their own insecurities by targeting someone who they perceive as weaker. They can be not nice people.

I personally like curvier ladies, and my opinion isn't going to change just because a pal thinks otherwise. If he was too vocal I'd tell him to zip it.

Oh and MiniEmu, if that's your photo, you're not fat.

LoveDivine · May 31, 2015

steflou64 said:
You are quite right, Yakee Girl-there are malicious people who ENJOY hurting people-I was bullied at work in 1983 by a female supervisor-non stop talked down to derogatory comments! I was so naive I did not know what was going on, though. I had an eating disorder from it! Words have power-look at Dr. Caroline Leaf's blog www.drleaf.com-she will explain it. It was a vicious attack from the enemy that I did not know how to protect myself from.

I am really sorry that you had to endure that. I have had my share of unpleasant workplace experiences over the years. I definitely sympathize. One job in particular had such a negative effect on me that I lost my confidence (temporarily) in my ability to do my own job. My boss felt he had the right to humiliate and sound off on his employees when he was having a rough day. Since I was the youngest with the least seniority I was the whipping girl. One day, he crossed the line and violated my personal space in an outburst. I realized right there and then that I had to give him my notice. In that moment, I was able to reclaim some dignity and self-respect and calmly give my reasons for leaving. I respectfully pointed out to him his behavior and that it was unacceptable. I was actually able to turn the tables and he was embarrassed over his behavior. He was so shocked. I don't think he thought I would actually quit. I think that he had no respect for me and that was partially my fault. In an effort to be harmonious at work, I had allowed him to become more and more comfortable with disrespecting me. I have never been good at confrontation. I think as Christians we need to turn the other cheek and not retaliate. It doesn't mean though that we can't calmly but firmly establish some boundaries. I agree that it can be a vicious attack and also very subtle.

redblue22 · May 31, 2015

what are we to make of threads here on CF where people state the top 10 wants (or don't wants) in a spouse?

MiniEmu · May 31, 2015

redblue22 said:
what are we to make of threads here on CF where people state the top 10 wants (or don't wants) in a spouse?

Ooo, what a question.

We are to make of them whatever we make of them. Personally they can make for an interesting discussion, and being nosey I'm always fascinated to see what people view as important in their hypothetical partners. They're a list of ideals, no more no less. Most people will have these lists it's just some are better able to pinpoint what these desires are and put them into words than others.

They're interesting, and when members participate for long enough and continually partake in threads of a similar vein it's interesting to see how these lists can develop with time and/or experience. That's it for me. I think they can provide an interesting snippet into what people view as important, and in some cases what they think other people think are important.

I guess for some they could have a more negative impact, it's a difficult balancing act between making sure the most easily triggered are not at risk without severely restricting the ability of others to freely discuss what makes them tick.

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Al T said:
Oh and MiniEmu, if that's your photo, you're not fat.

I missed this. Photos are misleading, numbers do not lie

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Messy · May 31, 2015

I think two years back there was a guy here who was very desperate. He asked for advice. He wanted to put in his dating profile: I want a woman that's extremely overweight, has a terrible disease, plain ugly or with kids.
Lol well thanks for the compliment! Never forgot it.

Ubuntu · May 31, 2015

YankeeGirl said:
I am really sorry that you had to endure that. I have had my share of unpleasant workplace experiences over the years. I definitely sympathize. One job in particular had such a negative effect on me that I lost my confidence (temporarily) in my ability to do my own job. My boss felt he had the right to humiliate and sound off on his employees when he was having a rough day. Since I was the youngest with the least seniority I was the whipping girl. One day, he crossed the line and violated my personal space in an outburst. I realized right there and then that I had to give him my notice. In that moment, I was able to reclaim some dignity and self-respect and calmly give my reasons for leaving. I respectfully pointed out to him his behavior and that it was unacceptable. I was actually able to turn the tables and he was embarrassed over his behavior. He was so shocked. I don't think he thought I would actually quit. I think that he had no respect for me and that was partially my fault. In an effort to be harmonious at work, I had allowed him to become more and more comfortable with disrespecting me. I have never been good at confrontation. I think as Christians we need to turn the other cheek and not retaliate. It doesn't mean though that we can't calmly but firmly establish some boundaries. I agree that it can be a vicious attack and also very subtle.

That's a very interesting story, thanks for sharing!

I think we all agree that as Christians we should have an attitude of meekness, and that we should return evil with good. In some cases this means “turning the other cheek”.

Yet Jesus himself did rebuke someone who faulted him:

“When Jesus had said this, one of the high priest's officers who stood nearby struck him on the face and said, "Is that the way you answer the high priest?" Jesus replied, "If I have said something wrong, confirm what is wrong. But if I spoke correctly, why strike me?"” - John 18:22-23

Why didn't Jesus “turn the other cheek” in this instance, why did he confront the officer? I think that “turning the other cheek” doesn't mean that we necessarily are to passively accept wrongs. What Jesus said about "turning the other cheek" needs to be understood in the context of the Roman occupation where many people were influenced by the Zealots who urged people to armed rebellion. Jesus said that we shouldn't seek revenge, (eye for an eye) and I believe that this is the essence of Matthew 5:38.

Now, when Jesus confronted the officer he didn't do so because he was angry, he was motivated by love. It's our duty to stop people from committing serious sins, even in those instances when we are on the receiving end. If we are silent when we people treat us unjustly we are in many cases perpetuating a pattern of behaviour that might eventually have disastrous consequences for them if they are allowed to continue.

In other words, being silent when we're mistreated isn't necessarily a sign of piety…

Tom Mix · May 31, 2015

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16 (NKJV)

CCHIPSS · Jun 1, 2015

I used to have a list. But now looking back, I realize that list is on me. It is a list of what I feel I lack and I want my spouse to make up for it.

For example I love hiking and biking. However I used to have a hard time motivating myself to do these alone. I always try to get my friends and family to come with me. If no one want to come I get discouraged and didn't bother going.

So at one point I had it on my list that my GF must love hiking and biking. And as I said I realize that is my problem. I want her to fix my flaws.

I find that when I cannot forgive my own flaws, I also have a hard time forgiving other people's flaws. And so that list I made is to cover up my own short comings.

List of Qualities You Want in Your Spouse

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Love will overcome evil (Romans 12:9-21)

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