Husband cheated on me

8 months ago my husband cheated on me (he is also without a faith). We have been together 12 years, married for almost 4, and our first child was only 3 months old when he cheated. At the time I didn't see it coming. But when I look back, I remember how agitated and angry he was all the time. Mainly after our child was born.

I loved my husband SO much. I would have done anything for him. He cheated on me and two days later said he wanted a divorce. The next 6 months were the most agonizing of my life. He left and went to be with her... all the while saying she had nothing to do with him leaving me. He said he was going to anyway. He said the last 12 years of his life was a waste and he didn't love me anymore. He blamed everything on me and was a complete monster. I won't deny I was absolutely devastated and was so shocked, saddened, and angry I couldn't look him in the eye or speak to him! He was so horrible to me, he treated me like complete garbage. He called me terrible names and was so cold. I fought for 2 months trying anything I could. ANYTHING at all to get him to come back. I tried EVERYTHING. Meanwhile taking on all the responsibilities... the house, the bills, our son. He left everything on me.

Then one day something clicked and I wasn't in love with him anymore. I could only take so much. He was sleeping at her apartment practically every night. I couldn't do it anymore. I decided to initiate divorce proceedings since he didn't and had him served after the third month. He continued being an absolute monster when suddenly I began to feel peace and wanted to get things over with... He would constantly start fights where I would end them or decide not to speak back.

After 6 months he came back. He said he made a mistake. He said he still loved me and he was lying to himself the whole time.

But he also said he lost this terrific promotion he got (shortly before he left) and had been demoted, making much less money now. Also that the grass was not greener on the other side. These reasons do not appeal to me whatsoever.

The problem is, I am not in love with him anymore. I love him like I would a brother...love that comes with time. But I am not in love. I shudder when I think about him romantically. I feel physically ill. I feel so incredibly angry and hurt.

I know that God told me to try to give him a chance. Now I am trying to figure out why that is. Is it because I need to see that there is no change from him so I can move on with my life and have closure? Or is it because we will come out stronger than ever before?

I have absolutely no motivation. As the weeks pass, he loses me more and more. I can't look at him the same again. There is no trust, there is little love, and very little respect or value.

I can see he hasn't changed at all. He still continues to blame his actions on me (although he admits it was wrong). But he also stated in therapy yesterday that "If I am not happy in my marriage, I am going to leave." I see this as giving up! How do I know he won't do this again in another 12 years??

I feel that God is telling me to keep pushing to see something. But I have heard everything he has to say and watched everything he has done, and there is NO incentive! Everything points to leaving him! I guess my question is... how do you REALLY KNOW when enough is enough?

I am having a hard time... I am justified in leaving my marriage because of his adultery. But I know that God hates families being split up. I don't know what the right thing is. I really need peace!

If anyone else even has a similar experience, please tell me your story.

Thank you for everyone's wonderful advice. I truly appreciate it.

To answer a couple questions:

I am not aware that he cheated on me ever before. I am aware that fatherhood scares him. I hold a lot of resentment now because he want a baby so badly for so many years and I did not. I finally gave in and became pregnant and gave birth to the son he always wanted. Only a week after he was born, my husband completely gave up. He became angry, agitated (a sign of depression). He was high on pot constantly (wouldn't listen to my begging for him to stop) and planted himself in front of his video games. He called our infant son TERRIBLE names I won't even repeat. Three months later, he cheated on me... and left all responsibilities with me. He does take part in watching his son, I feel only because he has to ...after work until I get home from work as well. He can go days without seeing him, never has him overnight, and lives the life of a bachelor ...as I see it. It's very frustrating for me. When I watch his interaction with our son, he becomes impatient and a rough in handling him. I don't know what is normal for a man, but I completely turned off by his behavior.

After he left I realized how little of a partner he ever was to me. He had no motivation to do anything on his own or for his family. He wouldn't get a job by himself, never helped with financial, domestic things, or even extending himself to be a supportive partner to me. I felt all he would do is sit in front of his violent video games. I realized I probably married him because I never had another boyfriend before. I didn't think to realize there was probably someone better out there for me. I spent all of my time supporting him ... running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I see that he was a companion to me, but never a partner.

Now that he has cheated on me... I am seeing nothing left to fight for. What we had before was at least fidelity, but that is gone now. I realize he had little respect for me but I loved him blindly. His mother a narcissistic and caused a lot of damage in my life as well. My husband has so much pride he won't make amends with my family who is so deeply hurt by him.

I do see that possibly the only incentive is our son. If we could have a loving and satisfying relationship, it would be best for our son. I don't see that happening. However, I do believe in miracles brought on by God.

I think the whole thing was an eye opener as to what I was really missing in a relationship.

What I am hearing from you is to hang in there. Be patient. It's not over. But I don't know why. I feel God's hand firmly on my arm, holding me down... telling me to stay put. Maybe it's so I can develop patience. Maybe my husband will repent. Maybe I have to truly see that he won't. Only time will tell at this point!

I have had several people in my life ask me that lately. I never perceived him as a violent person... ever. HE changed drastically after our son was born. Drastically! Even getting into strange mysticism because his coworkers were. I saw him change before my eyes. I never thought he would treat a baby this way.

My heart tells me he wouldn't physically hurt our son. But if he plays these video games and smokes pot in front of him, and has a short temper with an outburst of some sort... I do believe that would emotionally hurt him and that causes me a lot of stress.

I trust him enough for him to watch our son for a couple hours every day until I get off work. But I will NEVER allow our son over to his new place of residence... a party house with alcohol and marijuana everywhere. That's where I draw the line. I know what happens there.

When I talk about mysticism.. I am not sure how to explain it. He has gotten into meditation, out of body experiences, and some sort of interest in "triangle energy."

When we got married, I was Christian but pretty relaxed to be honest. I lost my way... but eventually found my way back again. I never stopped believing and praying. He on the other hand, was raised a Christian and went to church when he was young... but obviously lost his way. I let this slip by us. I was blinded by love and didn't care what his faith was... that was my wrong doing. He was always a good person. Never cheated. But was always pretty irresponsible and lazy. I still believe he is a good person, doing bad things... getting into bad things.

I really appreciate everyone's responses. It means so much to me.

I do believe I need to be patient at this point and just give him a chance. That's what God wants. I just don't know why yet. If I could be the support my husband needs to get on the right path...

Also his relationship with his father is not good.

His father did the same thing he did to me. His father left his mother several times for someone else...and he always came back and his mother took him back every time. He grew up in a family where this is an acceptable thing. His family was also very supportive in my husband's behavior... which was very disappointing as well. They even invited over the other woman for dinner.

What's funny, is my husband has hard feelings against his dad for doing the things he did to his mom. Uhhh.....