The Cut Yourself Down Page

I have strong BPD tendencies.

I'm not very good with loving other people.

I isolate myself from others because I'm terrified of becoming friends with someone, only to have them learn who I really am and reject me.

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I've gotten a break-out, since coming to Japan. It's so humid, and hot here. So much pollution. I think, that caused it. It's surprising, that acne, it can hurt, not just with what it looks like, but it actually physically hurts, also.

I am so tall. In Sweden, it's not so uncommon, for a girl to be so tall. Here, I feel like a giant, next to the dainty women. People, on the street, they will ask me to be in pictures with them! I agree, yes. They are nice, about it, always. People stare at me, all the time. It's harder, with the breakout and being stared at. I didn't use to be self-conscious, but I am here. I should be making the most, of my time here. Instead, I come back to the flat & wash my face as soon as I can.

I used to have extremely low self-esteem and self confidence. I used by really hate myself but yet keep blaming my situation on external factors.

I have improved a lot over the year. However recently being in a break up and then being rejected by multiple Christian ladies has hurt my self-esteem again.

I pray that God will help me to truly love myself. =)

KitKatMatt said:

I isolate myself from others because I'm terrified of becoming friends with someone, only to have them learn who I really am and reject me.

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likewise the same here. Every time someone does learn, they tend to avoid which is likely best for the both of us. I tend to bore people but with my disease, I cannot do much to begin with so I am stuck to painting, reading, model railroading and, of course, on the internet.

I'm afraid to make suggestions because I always think someone will think my ideas are just stupid.

I fear rejection so much I haven't asked anyone out since high school and even that last time I only did because it was even obvious to me that the answer would be yes.

I never notice when someone is interested in me or flirting with me because my assumption is that nobody would be.

I tend toward naive because I always want to believe the best about people.

I internalize criticisms of the people I value, even if I should realize they aren't correct or aren't meant to be a big deal to the other person.

And I think I'll stop there for now.

I'm a glutton with no shame, and if we're being honest I'm a jerk.

There's probably more, but it all boils down to being a greedy, shameless jerk.

I am fat, unattractive and very hard to be around according to societal norms. I would rather isolate myself than put myself out there again. I want a relationship but I am terrified of being abandoned again. I hate everything about myself. I wish I was more outgoing, more lovable, more inviting, and had more reliable friends. I wish I wasn't so... me.
There is nothing warm about me at all, and I so desire to be loved for me, not loved to be made into a 00 model with a great and tolerable personality and all over gorgeousness.

I'm not the greatest looking guy so I better work on making a whole lot of money to do well with the ladies.

I am pretty selfish at times

When I see a fairly attractive guy and his cute gf I can't help but long to be like her, cute, petite, skinny, and funny. I am none of those things. I am more like Rouge from X-Men, I don't belong anywhere. I am untouchable. As soon as people, other than my parents, start getting close to me, they shrink back from me, a form of death in my eyes. I fear that no one will understand me. ne'er a kind word, always avoidance. I feel like I will ever be alone.

I find this thread kind of disgusting and not helpful at all...insulting ourselves and pointing out all the horrible qualities in us?? WHY?? why not lift each other up and keep it positive??

It sometimes helps to realize your own negativity or weaknesses.

That way, you can focus on working on them and healing.

Also, I've noticed that some people (myself included) feel better after getting such things off their chest. It feels good to be able to complain about myself in the appropriate venue.

Bonus one to stay on topic:

My first impulse is to judge people negatively based on their looks or dress because I'm scared that they're judging me first based on my looks or dress. My second impulse is to berate myself for judging people based on arbitrary things. Lose-lose.

I don't know how to be loved / how to receive affection from people without assuming there's an agenda.

However to acknowledge this doesn't mean accepting it. I will overcome this with God's help. We all can overcome.

HotRhymez said:

I find this thread kind of disgusting and not helpful at all...insulting ourselves and pointing out all the horrible qualities in us?? WHY?? why not lift each other up and keep it positive??

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You know, you're right in this. as soon as I typed out the things I did I was feeling quite rotten about myself. Even posted that second remark during that intense time of darkness and brooding.

The fact of the matter is that I don't feel like I belong. I don't fit in anywhere, I am very closed off to people, and I wasn't my former boyfriend's cup of tea. In fact, I have yet to meet a guy who likes me even in my brooding states.

But even though I have a slightly more Rubenesque appearence, the fact of the matter is that I am modeling this Sunday for a dress shop, and not just any dresses. Wedding dresses.

My key verse for my life ever since this past Fall has been Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."

If you think in your heart that you are ugly, fat, too awkward, to closed off, etc. then so shall you be. If you don't act like those things, then your over all quality of life will diminish, and you'll no longer find joy in the wondrous creature that God created you to be: loving, lovable, unique, special, and set apart for His purposes.

~Blessings!