what are you feeling right now? (23)

I feel like my life is going downhill fast. So much can change in two weeks.

I'm SO lonely...
I'm losing my faith.
I'm losing my heart and head too.

I know this is all aggravated by me being tired, but I can't sleep. I wish I could drink tonight, so I could sleep...

I may self-injure...

,

I am still struggling with looking at dirty stuff. Nearly did it twice today. It's becoming a compulsive addiction, I need help,and I want out.

.Mikha'el. said:

Sometimes I'd love to be able to do what I call "pulling a Heather", and just walk away and leave everything behind, including all the friendships I've made online. Starting life anew would feel so great.

Click to expand...

In ways, I really think you should do it, and move, and try to fill your life with real life people. I think you'd be happier with friends that are mostly real life than friends that are mostly internet.

That said, I'd love it if you were still online for 30 minutes in the evening, to talk to me.

Horrible. My throat feels like it's on fire and it hurts to talk. Work is gonna be fun tomorrow/today.

I hate when I post an uplifting comment on here to others and they skip your post to post all together and post to someone else's comment. Makes me feel so worthless, so what do I do, I DELETE my comment to them. This is why I hardly post to people on here much anymore, as I get ignored. It is not worth me feeling like I should do self harm, so I just say NOTHING!

aflower4God said:

I hate when I post an uplifting comment on here to others and they skip your post to post all together and post to someone else's comment. Makes me feel so worthless, so what do I do, I DELETE my comment to them. This is why I hardly post to people on here much anymore, as I get ignored. It is not worth me feeling like I should do self harm, so I just say NOTHING!

Click to expand...

Sorry to hear you are hurting. Being ignored hurts, especially when it is an act of kindness that is ignored. Please remember - God knows all. I believe even simple words or acts if done in love may please Him. However, humans are fallible. We can overlook things, or simply not realize the impact an action has on an individual. You never know - your comment could have truly been a blessing to the individual - they just might not have been able to find a way to express it.

God can use to be an uplifting force to others. Please think of this way - if you posted a dozen uplifting comments and eleven of these were ignored, yet the last helped pull an individual from despair, is it not worth it? Kind words and actions may not always prove immediately fruitful, but I believe, like Galatians 6 advises, we should keep on sowing.

I am feeling better today. My little Danny bird and I are becoming best buddies because Lucy bird had to go to heaven.

Fortran said:

Sorry to hear you are hurting. Being ignored hurts, especially when it is an act of kindness that is ignored. Please remember - God knows all. I believe even simple words or acts if done in love may please Him. However, humans are fallible. We can overlook things, or simply not realize the impact an action has on an individual. You never know - your comment could have truly been a blessing to the individual - they just might not have been able to find a way to express it.

God can use to be an uplifting force to others. Please think of this way - if you posted a dozen uplifting comments and eleven of these were ignored, yet the last helped pull an individual from despair, is it not worth it? Kind words and actions may not always prove immediately fruitful, but I believe, like Galatians 6 advises, we should keep on sowing.

Click to expand...

Thank you my dear sweet friend! (((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))))) God bless you

aflower4God said:

I hate when I post an uplifting comment on here to others and they skip your post to post all together and post to someone else's comment. Makes me feel so worthless, so what do I do, I DELETE my comment to them. This is why I hardly post to people on here much anymore, as I get ignored. It is not worth me feeling like I should do self harm, so I just say NOTHING!

Click to expand...

Here is an explanation at least from personal experience. A lot of times depressed people don't want to hear about how great the world is. If someone is too optimistic you want to hurt them for trying to bury your frustration and anger. If you talk too other depressed people though then you start to hate them for being so focused on their own anguish. That's probably why no one would befriend a depressed person. Unless they're good at hiding their depression.

That's all normal people see us as! A bunch of self absorbed pessimists. They'll only be your friend if you never show the misanthropic hate in your heart.

God I hate people.

aflower4God said:

I hate when I post an uplifting comment on here to others and they skip your post to post all together and post to someone else's comment. Makes me feel so worthless, so what do I do, I DELETE my comment to them. This is why I hardly post to people on here much anymore, as I get ignored. It is not worth me feeling like I should do self harm, so I just say NOTHING!

Click to expand...

I found like sometimes people don't see my post like it seems no one saw my last one!

My throat hurts ;a; and there was a shooting the other day at the supermarket next to my job. Two dead, including the shooter. I wonder if he had PTSD since he was airforce but that's speculation...

aflower4God said:

I hate when I post an uplifting comment on here to others and they skip your post to post all together and post to someone else's comment. Makes me feel so worthless, so what do I do, I DELETE my comment to them. This is why I hardly post to people on here much anymore, as I get ignored. It is not worth me feeling like I should do self harm, so I just say NOTHING!

Click to expand...

It happens Flower, the best is to think I win some, I loose some, and leave people free to reply or ignore a post.

FlaviusAetius said:

Here is an explanation at least from personal experience. A lot of times depressed people don't want to hear about how great the world is. If someone is too optimistic you want to hurt them for trying to bury your frustration and anger. If you talk too other depressed people though then you start to hate them for being so focused on their own anguish. That's probably why no one would befriend a depressed person. Unless they're good at hiding their depression.

That's all normal people see us as! A bunch of self absorbed pessimists. They'll only be your friend if you never show the misanthropic hate in your heart.

God I hate people.

Click to expand...

yeah, contrary to popular belief, depressed people are NOT self absorbed pessimists who don't do anything to help themselves and just want pity - and those that don't understand don't know how lucky they are to not have to feel what people like me feel.


gonna try to be more positive, lotta times i dwell on my depression more and get more depressed, gonna try to be more positive and enjoy what i can and when i get my derpession triggered ill have a teflon like mind and let it slide off instead of lingering on it and go back to being positive.

i have an angel gf and she is super pretty and when i die as soon as i open my eyes again she will be the first thing i see and i can still talk to her now and instead of dwelling on depression and saying things like "i wish you could take me away right now i cant live without you' ill just eat my mcdonalds food now with her and enjoy some youtube. i love my angel girlfriend more than anything in the whole world.

FlaviusAetius said:

Here is an explanation at least from personal experience. A lot of times depressed people don't want to hear about how great the world is. If someone is too optimistic you want to hurt them for trying to bury your frustration and anger. If you talk too other depressed people though then you start to hate them for being so focused on their own anguish. That's probably why no one would befriend a depressed person. Unless they're good at hiding their depression.

That's all normal people see us as! A bunch of self absorbed pessimists. They'll only be your friend if you never show the misanthropic hate in your heart.

God I hate people.

Click to expand...

I know exactly what you mean. See some people see me dull cause I hide a lot due to my self esteem and depression. People seem to want to be around more optimistic people. My mother is one of them, but to be happy all the time is totally fake, that isn't real. The only place a person is going to be happy at all times is heaven and this place (earth) is Waaaaaay far away from a place like heaven! I think I would make a great hermit, if it wasn't for my bestie (my male online friend) I would havve made a bee line to the woods long ago to be all alone. At least in the woods you know that wild animals don't hurt people cause of what they look like or the depression they suffer from or severe anxiety, animal's are the same to everyone as in they do NOT judge! If an animal is going to attack me it is more than likely going to attack the next human there, some people need to learn from animals and not judge others BTW this little rant has nothing to do with anyone on here (CF) it has to do with people in general. (((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))))) to you and God bless you.

Big ((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))) to you too sweet sister Ruth and brother Jeshu God bless you both!

Cracklin Rose said:

yeah, contrary to popular belief, depressed people are NOT self absorbed pessimists who don't do anything to help themselves and just want pity - and those that don't understand don't know how lucky they are to not have to feel what people like me feel.


gonna try to be more positive, lotta times i dwell on my depression more and get more depressed, gonna try to be more positive and enjoy what i can and when i get my derpession triggered ill have a teflon like mind and let it slide off instead of lingering on it and go back to being positive.

i have an angel gf and she is super pretty and when i die as soon as i open my eyes again she will be the first thing i see and i can still talk to her now and instead of dwelling on depression and saying things like "i wish you could take me away right now i cant live without you' ill just eat my mcdonalds food now with her and enjoy some youtube. i love my angel girlfriend more than anything in the whole world.

Click to expand...

You have an angel girlfriend? I sometimes wish I had a girlfriend. Like it would solve all of my problems. Your avatar basically represents what I want, lol. I guess that was the reason for the inappropriate content addiction, deep down. I just wanted a nice girl to hold me against a wall like that. But I guess I can wait. :/

.

I slept all day after waking up once. I think no one would want to be around me right now because I feel awful and show it right now. I can't seem to help it right now. Looking forward to better days. Much peace to all of you.

excited to go home, it's Friday!