I'm feeling lonely lately

I don't get lonely as much anymore, I almost think I'm better solo than I am any other way. Usually 1-2 social situations a week are about as much as I'm willing to bear (so church on Sundays and maybe out for a beer with some friends on a Thursday or Friday... something like that).

Sometimes I think it'd be nice to get back out there, but I question what my reasons for that are. Knowing the stress and pain associated with relationships, at this point I could do without that. To each their own though.

Have you considered online dating? There are a few outlets that work reasonably well for Christians. I personally don't care for any of them, but they might lead you to what you're looking for. Who knows.

Hello there!

As sad as it may seem, I tend to go to group meet ups. Sometimes I know people, sometimes I don't, but I know we're all going to be doing something we enjoy. That helps me because I'm not very good at small talk or conversation, so at least I have a topic and the safety net of mutual interests! Being in the hustle and bustle of a group, especially those where the faces tend to change fairly frequently, takes my mind off of life quite nicely.

Not sure if that would be appealing to you though, some people find it weird. Plus I guess that doesn't really help with the loneliness that comes from being single and desiring a partner. In those situations I'd have to say the suggestion by Darth Bagel regarding online dating could be handy.

Davinci1804 said:

I did try the online dating but I only met one person. We went on a few date, we just ended up being friend instead. Honestly I'm uncomfortable with online dating. Only seing that I'm black (Caribbean) online dating is definitely not for us black. It's less successful, all the data confirm this.

I don't know if I want to try again and see what happens.

Thanks for taking the time to answer.

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Online dating can really burn and sting. Few want somebody like me who is working on the career, and etc. But in my case it's just how I look very young, am in Hawai'i, was messaging girls in California since none are here online, and I don't appear to be serious (I look like I'm 16-18) about stuff/marriage but am.

I wouldn't put yourself down about all of this. First thing is you can find somebody online, but it might be a few hour's drive, and of course you'll have to go through the annoyance of sending several messages online for one good lead. Might not be ideal, but if you have a girl to talk to, and so forth then you can at least entertain visiting her sometime.

Six months ago I was on Ok Cupid and thought "what the heck?".
So I sorted the entire world's worth of girls by compatibility with my 50+ questions I answered and now my best friend I've ever had is 5,000 miles.
Not exactly what I wanted...
But if you meet a girl a state away you really like, then at least you're giving it a shot, and are looking around. My 20 year old sister had a BF for 2 years, and she finally let him go. Now she seems to be speaking to a guy in Texas, and will be visiting him in a while. Stuff online can happen, it's just a total pain, and takes a lot out of you.

Past that I'd try to look at yourself, and maybe see what might be causing some of this.
For me, it's that I'm in the middle of nowhere, and everybody my age is gone. Plus for a few reasons I don't own a car, stay with my parents, and a few other turnoffs. Those will change soon, but if you're working on college, forming a business, or etc then sometimes that'll scare them off I think.

I get lonely alot too but find keeping busy doing housework and etc is a good distraction.

I don't have an answer. But I feel your pain. Hang in there.

I've my bouts of loneliness. I try to remind myself it won't last and I'll soon find someone. Obviously that hasn't happened but I just try to be positive :/. In the meantime I focus my energy on my hobbies and that helps a bit.

Davinci1804 said:

I did try the online dating but I only met one person. We went on a few date, we just ended up being friend instead. Honestly I'm uncomfortable with online dating. Only seing that I'm black (Caribbean) online dating is definitely not for us black. It's less successful, all the data confirm this.

I don't know if I want to try again and see what happens.

Thanks for taking the time to answer.

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What do you mean online dating isn't for black people? lol. I think it can work for anyone if they try hard enough. Sometimes it's just luck too. I'm not Keen on online dating nd I've never tried it, but I know there're success stories out there.

Davinci1804 said:

Haha, TheOliverSeed, I know it sounds funny but multiple researchers have shown that online dating is very segregated. You can Google it. Sad but true. I don't mind, I don't understand segregation anyways. I wasn't born in the state. That's being said I would prefer not to do online dating.

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It likely is, I guess. I can see why you probably feel that way, especially if you joined a non-black site. There're sites that do cater to black singles, though. Not sure how effective they are but that option's there.

Davinci1804 said:

I own a car, pay rent, indeed I'm doing a master's Physician Assistant but I try not to tell girls I meet what I'm doing sometimes, that seems to scare them off when I do. I don't why. I was in a LDR but the girl end up cheating. I won't do that again. I prefer someone close to me. Someone that worth spending the rest of my life with. I've seen to many marriage fail, that's my greatest fear.

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You're obviously an intelligent guy. Here in Hawai'i we have very few educated people, and the ones that are tend to be weird or are here to vacation for a few years. Most leave to college, come back married, or go the party life.

I do alright money wise, but not great. If prospective girls knew I make and average of $2k in under a week every month, that I'm working hard to expand my business since I research whenever I can, and that I'm finishing my BSBA maybe they'd be interested. Certainly I won't say that even though I wish they'd know I'm not a total clown, that I will work very hard, and etc. It seems the right girls want somebody capable, and serious while others just can't or won't go there past just having fun.

I'm nowhere near in your shoes here. But maybe you need to get around people who are a dash more educated, and more of your strata if you're not already. Just a though since it's nice to fish where they're to be caught.

LDR is new to me minus my one friend where we're very close, but keep it a friendship for various reasons. I'm sorry that happened in your case. I can get rather upset with things even though I can't, and won't be able to date my friend for a long time if ever.

I know it's more sincere to be in person, and that once burned it's not easy to try again. A few somewhat radicals options... Moving, traveling, or trying somewhere else part time if your job gives you such freedom. Maybe missionary work in a safe and clean country or etc.If you're into research maybe find a place where you'd be more lucky than not, where the economics of the place aren't terrible, and etc.. I'm not saying stage trips to find somebody, but maybe you'll be surprised, and see somewhere along with somebody that you'd never suspected to exist.

isn't that crazy how some want to spread our rep as being a player? I met someone online and when I showed up she was wearing lingerie.

back then I was addicted to cigs. I had to excuse myself 3 times to go out and smoke . . . by my car.

Davinci1804 said:

sundewgrower, I can't travel that often because of my school. It's very time consuming. I'm certain I'll meet someone one day that I click with but I need a solution for some people to stop asking me question at times about why I'm still single. I can't just pick someone and expect that I'll be attracted to her later. Friends and parents try to set me up with some girls but I wasn't interested. I don't consider myself intelligent but I do gravitate around intelligent individual but they are not christian. I would be unequally yoked to date one of those girls, and most are in relationship

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I understand as I've managed to get off this rock once in 13 years.
That's good that you see that the right girls exist out there.
I'm only 22 years old, so I don't have that yet with others asking.
But no dates, no interest with any girl in person, and all of my minimal experience is with distance.

The whole thing seers since I'm wired to care about somebody, and so when my single close (yet a world away) friend gets busy I'll get lonely since she is basically it minus one guy I hang out with locally.. Just today it was just burning, since this island is a place where everybody is on their own mission, and I just kept realizing I know this place very well but I have nobody to really do stuff with less my immediate family.

Finding intellectuals isn't easy since it's a fine line between that, and being non Christian. I've used it to show me how true and correct the Bible is but others stray when they are more apt to learning about lots of things.

and addiction is beyond the grace.

Loneliness has been a huge struggle for me my whole life.

In high school I am shy around girls and didn't know what I was saying. The girls that I did talk to all ended up distancing away from me. My parents didn't spoil me by buying me fancy cars and clothes. My allowance was just bare minimum. Shy and poor was the worst combination. I was also bullied in high school and the girls knew. I also spent way too much time on video games, instead of joining some more clubs where I can meet more ladies.

In university every single girl I was interested in turns out to be dating someone already. But it was ok since I could focus on my education. Being single just didn't seem like a serious problem when I was younger. I was still young so there seems to be hope. Little did I know.

After graduation the people that I can potentially meet drops significantly. And my career didn't take off as nicely as I expected. I had to go back to school for a post grad degree and struggle with my career. I did started dating people but none worked out. Mostly I was rejected by them. And I rejected a few.

Finally at age 31 (just last year) I finally got a decent career going. I also did a lot of self improvements and has been able to love myself.

I found my first ever GF online last year. I had so much hope in that relationship! It was my very first time falling in love. However I didn't know what I was doing. I was dating like a high school kid, at the age of 31. We broke up after a few months. After that I felt more lonely than I ever felt.

Afterwards I dated a few other ladies. But I has been rejected many times. Other times I reject them because I just don't feel the attraction. I am currently quite discouraged. Those old feelings of "hating myself" has returned a bit. So right now I am fighting hard to fight them off me again.

I know the ladies can be very loving. I have seen how well they treat their boyfriends and husband. However the ladies will only show these kind of love and care to ONE GUY. All other guys the ladies will treat like garbage. Of all the ladies who rejected me, none have every shown me any sort of care. They couldn't care less if I die tomorrow. This is especially painful for me since this also means all the effort and friendship is wasted. In fact they hate it when I care for them.

I just felt that I should have been more aggressive in finding a lady when I was younger. Those probably won't end well. Maybe I would have sinned more. (my faith wasn't all the strong back then. I even lost my faith for a while.) (And no I am not suggesting this is what anyone should do. This is all just a feeling.) However at least I would be building my confidence and knowledge in dating. Right now I am 32 years old and I often still have no idea what I am doing. When I tell my dating stories to my family they often go "WTH? Why would you do or say that?" Talking to my family just makes me even more depressed.

At my age the ladies are looking for a guy to settle. They want a man that knows what they are doing! They want to be wooed. They want to have fun. They don't want a boy with that high school innocent. I am screwed because I have no experience.

I just feel that I missed the boat at EVERY SINGLE STAGE in my life. And so I am screwed over at EVERY SINGLE STAGE in my life. I had dreamed of that lady who will love me just as I am since 15, which was 17 years ago. However at EVERY SINGLE STAGE all the ladies told me is I am not good enough and I will never be good enough.

Everytime I get better, the ladies rise the bar. Some days it just feels that God is so far away.

Things doesn't seem like it will look better when I hit 40. The ladies at that point will have even more and higher demands on a man. Maybe they will have a kid or two from their previous marriage that I now got to take care of. And since they will be near 40 I will not have kids of my own when I marry them. TBH I am not sure I will ever marry divorcee ladies. It will just be me being desperate and I don't see myself being happy. It just feel so hopeless.

I know I am far from perfect. But I have seen wife-beaters getting married. I have seen alcoholics getting married. Cheaters all got married. Non-believers, some even curses God, often gets married. If God have mercy on these terrible sinners (I know I am being judgmental here), why not have mercy on me too?

I know God can make everything possible. I pray everyday that God will have mercy on me and give me a miracle. I pray that he answers my 17 year long prayer one day.

Anyways I have to rebuild my self-esteem and confidence first. I have to love myself again.

I guess all I am trying to say is you are not alone bro. I at least are right here struggling against loneliness with you. =)