- Jul 28, 2006
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Don't think I've ever posted in here. I'm 32 (I think) and wasn't diagnosed until around 3 years ago with Aspergers (I just call it high functioning Autism for obvious reasons...I do have problems socially as it is!).
I hope to minister to Christians with Aspergers/Autism. I couldn't find anything really when I searched "Christians with Aspergers" last year. There might still be a few I uploaded on youtube when I couldn't find any. (Trust me, to record not just my face BUT MY VOICE...was horrific. But the joy I had for God late last year was something special and I knew it. It was like God was showing me that this is what it's like when you put your whole heart in me. I thought it would last forever. It lasted around a month, then slowly went away by the end of the year. I was depressed and thought I did something wrong and that God had deserted me.
But now God's been teaching me following Jesus isn't easy. It's a life of much brokenness, despair, fear, depression, etc.. Jesus suffered and we are called to suffer along with Him. That doesn't sound too attractive if you are trying to sell Christianity to someone does it? But for those of us who know God we know the joy and honor that comes along with it; especially in light of eternity.
This life isn't just short, not even minuscule. Compared to eternity this life almost doesn't exist. Ultimate reality is a Living Being; and our reality so so much lesser than that it's impossible to put into numbers.
When we go through pain and sadness, feeling like you are the only person in this World who is in this situation. Remember that Jesus Christ is walking right beside you and the promises He guarantee's those that give up their lives and follow Him will not be servants, no, but His bride!! "Being His bride" is too much for me to wrap my head around. In a way I don't want to believe it. I say "God, you really could have done a LOT better!" But it isn't about us, it's all about Him. And making us His bride gives Him glory and displays His perfect grace and love... Blows me away.
But anyway. I've had a very tough few months. After feeling like God was gone I went back to drinking. I wasn't over the legal limit (thank you God), but my car got hit by an 18 wheeler. I mean just one more beer and that would had been my 3rd DWI (last one 2007?). The point is I know God has made it abundantly clear I am not to drink, especially while taking medication. Idk, I used to drink and was happy but over the years, I just started to become angry. Still get to go to court over it! But at least this time I won't be going to jail. Reminded me of how the 2000's went for me. Ugh, never again, thank you God for the reminder.
Hope to talk with you guys soon. I know I need support from people who understand our specific struggles. I don't know anyone in person with any form of Autism so it's tough feeling alone. I mean my whole life I was VERY alone and depressed not knowing why I looked normal and I was smart, but for some reason I never clicked with anyone socially. So I hated myself because I figured I must be a horrible person for no one to want to be my friend or be around me (until I got my car and magically got 20 friends overnight.....then lost them all when I got the first DWI!). It hurts realizing you have been used. I've been used a lot by people. More than once my benzo medication has been stolen by people I thought wanted to come hang out.
But I have a friend in Jeeeesus!
I hope to minister to Christians with Aspergers/Autism. I couldn't find anything really when I searched "Christians with Aspergers" last year. There might still be a few I uploaded on youtube when I couldn't find any. (Trust me, to record not just my face BUT MY VOICE...was horrific. But the joy I had for God late last year was something special and I knew it. It was like God was showing me that this is what it's like when you put your whole heart in me. I thought it would last forever. It lasted around a month, then slowly went away by the end of the year. I was depressed and thought I did something wrong and that God had deserted me.
But now God's been teaching me following Jesus isn't easy. It's a life of much brokenness, despair, fear, depression, etc.. Jesus suffered and we are called to suffer along with Him. That doesn't sound too attractive if you are trying to sell Christianity to someone does it? But for those of us who know God we know the joy and honor that comes along with it; especially in light of eternity.
This life isn't just short, not even minuscule. Compared to eternity this life almost doesn't exist. Ultimate reality is a Living Being; and our reality so so much lesser than that it's impossible to put into numbers.
When we go through pain and sadness, feeling like you are the only person in this World who is in this situation. Remember that Jesus Christ is walking right beside you and the promises He guarantee's those that give up their lives and follow Him will not be servants, no, but His bride!! "Being His bride" is too much for me to wrap my head around. In a way I don't want to believe it. I say "God, you really could have done a LOT better!" But it isn't about us, it's all about Him. And making us His bride gives Him glory and displays His perfect grace and love... Blows me away.
But anyway. I've had a very tough few months. After feeling like God was gone I went back to drinking. I wasn't over the legal limit (thank you God), but my car got hit by an 18 wheeler. I mean just one more beer and that would had been my 3rd DWI (last one 2007?). The point is I know God has made it abundantly clear I am not to drink, especially while taking medication. Idk, I used to drink and was happy but over the years, I just started to become angry. Still get to go to court over it! But at least this time I won't be going to jail. Reminded me of how the 2000's went for me. Ugh, never again, thank you God for the reminder.
Hope to talk with you guys soon. I know I need support from people who understand our specific struggles. I don't know anyone in person with any form of Autism so it's tough feeling alone. I mean my whole life I was VERY alone and depressed not knowing why I looked normal and I was smart, but for some reason I never clicked with anyone socially. So I hated myself because I figured I must be a horrible person for no one to want to be my friend or be around me (until I got my car and magically got 20 friends overnight.....then lost them all when I got the first DWI!). It hurts realizing you have been used. I've been used a lot by people. More than once my benzo medication has been stolen by people I thought wanted to come hang out.
But I have a friend in Jeeeesus!
