Wife and I are stuck between a rock and hard place with her parents

For several months now we have not allowed our daughter to visit my wife's parents because of what we call safety concerns.

My wife's cousin has shared with us some things she has observed and some things that have happened to her. My wife's Dad has been showing up with lots of bruises over the last several months. Her cousin only lives a 1/2 mile away from them and sees them quite frequently or did. My wife's mother has laid huge guilt trips on her cousin to get what she wants. Like at her birthday she wanted presents and a cake and made her feel guilty for not having some ready for her so her cousin and her son went out and bought some for her mother even though they could not afford to do so. Her mother wanted to shopping and when her cousin said she might be able to take her she called her repeatedly, more than 10 times to find out when even though she said maybe, and then my wife's cousin stopped answering the phone and she called about 20 more times and when she did answer the phone she sent the deputies out to her house to find out why she would not answer the phone and why she would not take her shopping.

In April her Mom threatened suicide. Said she was out of meds and had been for three days, then it was two days, then it was a day. Her Dad said she only ran out the night before. She kept saying that nobody loves her and nobody visits her, which we knows is not true because her cousin visits all the time and she has friends over often. Do we visit often enough, we could do better. So my mother-in-law calls me at home threating suicide and we live 1.5 hours away. I immediately drop everything and drive down keeping her on the phone and trying to talk her down and calm her down. So I hit a dead zone for cell service and my wife is able to talk to her mom and her mom wants us to buy her a second bottle of meds which we won't do for several reasons. She wants the second bottle so she can end it all as my wife tells me before I get there. So my father-in-law and I are headed to town because there vehicle is broken down which it has been for almost a full week and this is the first we are hearing about it. So while we are in town my wife's mother is at again this time saying how nobody loves her and nobody visits her and how she is going to end it all and that nobody will have to worry about her any longer because she will not be around when we get back. So I try to explain to my father-in-law what is going on and he literally rips me apart for interfering in their business. I try to explain to him that I am just concerned. He just says, oh. I say I want to go back and check on her. He insists on finishing his errands in town which takes almost two hours. I am way more than stressed and confused.

So now my wife goes to visit them two days later and asks if she has taken her meds yet. The answer is no. Her dad goes and gets them so she can take them it is already past lunch time at this point. So they go out together and her mother starts yelling at her husband about how she wants to go here and there because it is her birthday and he has no say in the matter. Well my wife spoke up and said MOM DON'T YELL AT HIM and then offered to drive and he gladly accepted. He had an expression on his face of "why does she treat me like this".

Her mom has also been with me when I have been driving and ridicules the way I drive: you drive to fast, you drive to slow, you are too much to the center, you are too much to the right, take the truck off cruise I don't like the way it handles, it sits to high, it is too hard to get into, etc... Eventually I had had enough and pulled over and said "walking ain't crowded, get out" She just looked at me and said "what". I said "get out, I can't take it any more and I won't take it any more, get out, you can walk the rest of the way" My father-in-law just stared at the floor not saying a word. She just looked at looked at me and did not say a word the rest of the way home.

So since all of this, we have spoken to a Family Crisis Counselor, our Pastor, and a psychiatrist. They have recommended that we have some sort of conversation of with their doctors as to which we only know who one of them is, we should also talk to their Pastor which we won't do because they did that to us once and it had disastrous results, and they also have a Christian Counselor, but we don't know who this is either. We have also shared with them the news story about the "AHA MOMENT...HAMBURGER MEAT" Her mother said she has treated her husband badly for too many years. There was no indication of changing. I think this one is going to take prayer that the Lord is able to work on her and she allows Him to.

If anybody has any other thoughts or ideas, please do share.

There are other things, which I am sure you have probably guessed. They have not had their chimneys cleaned in ten years and now two of the flues are plugged up solid, one liner was improperly installed, one wood stove is less than two feet from the wall and has no metal or brick under it, another wood stove lacks enough metal or brick under it. They refuse to fix the issues because instead of doing preventative maintenance when they could have and upgrading for a lot less money now they are facing one very huge problem...they would rather be frugal than safe. This presents a problem.

They insist that their house is safe, but it also has some electrical and plumbing issues as well as septic and well water. We have offered to help them address these issues with the electrical, plumbing, and chimney with the help of friends of mine who are in the trade and would be willing to do the work for cost and no labor charge and we could get help with cost from the state. They are not interested. I have friends who are also in the well drilling and septic business and they don't want their help either. Their farmhouse is over 200 years old and the barn is closer to 225.

My daughter has her own issues with learning disabilities and some health issues. There is no sense in compounding them with these two adding two it. Those that know my daughter including her own doctors agree that having her keep her distance during this time is for the better, even the Family Crisis Counselor and our Pastor also agree and they have both bet them.

I am also being asked by my psychiatrist to stay away because I am battling some stress related neurological issues and she is also my neurologist. I am in total agreement with this because it has caused some severe head pain way worse than migraines because I have had those. I have had CT Scans and nothing good came from those. Since I started staying away, things have improved.

She has acknowledged her mistreatment of my father-in-law and that it has been going on for a very long time, how long we do not know. We suspect it could go back to when he retired because that is when he started staying home and no longer working full-time or part-time. He retired completely when he was 74 and is now 83. We got her to admit the mistreatment by her reading the news story I referenced above. That was the first step.

My wife has offered to take her mom to the doctor in the past, to have a private conversation with the doctor as well, but they did not even want us to know who their doctor was. We had to get the help of another cousin who has assisted them when their vehicle was broken down. This cousin gave us the name of the doctor just recently and this is why my wife and I decided to send the doctor a letter of recent happenings over the last several months.

We have tried to get both of them to think about moving closer to us into a retirement community like you suggest...they refuse to consider such a move as the place they are living has been in the family going back all the way before the town was incorporated more than 175 years ago. Their family are the original owners of the property passing it down from generation to generation and they will be the last ones and they know it because they know that my wife has no interest in it and my wife is an only child. They have a cousin in CT who is interested in a piece of the 187 acres, but refuse to sell or give him a piece of it because they don't want him building on the land he already owns adjacent to it. However, this cousin knows that when the time comes we will make good on it and pass some land onto him so that he will have more than enough to build on.

The idea of them moving to an area with a population of 15,000 during the summer and winter and 5600 during the spring and fall does not appeal to them as they come from a town of less than 1300 and it takes almost 45 minutes to get anywhere from where they live and they like it that way.

In our state APS is part of Dept of Health and Human Services a state agency. My wife and I have talked about this step and figure this would be last resort as they actually have the right to remove them from the home. While we would rather see them make this step on their own, we don't want to look like the evil ones from every level imaginable. We have sent the police in the past, the did not go well. We have tried periods of no contact, they work for short periods of time. We are now writing to their doctors with recent events. This will upset them and we know it. We just are not sure what else to do, well we do have the state as the last resort.

With my parents, they have been so cooperative that they have made my an executor of their estate if they become to ill to manage things on their own and not a moment before.

My father-in-law refuses to sell him the property, the cousin from CT. My mother-in-law is willing, but not until my father-in-law passes because they both have to sign and he won't sign off on the deed to sell any land. Actually he refuses to sell any of the property to anybody, makes no difference who the person is. My wife and I have contractors chomping at the bit for all or most of it. At one time we had bids for over a million, I doubt we could get anywhere near that now.

I stopped presenting ideas about a year ago. So my wife started presenting new ideas with a similar twist when it came to land, his driving, her mother's care, his care...as far as they are concerned all the ideas are coming from me...even when coming from either of the cousins. So we feel like we are climbing a brick wall. They have made it very clear they want to live alone on that land, they want to be left alone over there, and they plan to die in that house.

It is like the day we got married. He told me he did not want me getting his daughter pregnant. He handed me a bag with 50 condoms. This was crushing because we knew with the medications I was on for my epilepsy we knew there was only a 1% chance of that happening and my wife did not care about the low chance. After about 10 years that magic moment happened, my wife was pregnant. We were thrilled, my parents were thrilled, my relatives were thrilled, our friends were thrilled, her relatives were thrilled, guess who was not thrilled. Eventually they came to love their granddaughter. Anyway, I gave them to my Dad who made them disappear. He later told me he gave them to my brother who was 15 at the time and to have fun with them in any way he wanted with the exception of what they were intended. My brother and his buddies made water balloons out of them on Halloween a week later as we got married in October.

My mother-in-law was no better as she told all my family and our friends that they had no business being there as this was the bride's day and not the groom's. Then in drove my friends in blue and white cars and in uniform. You have to understand that at the time I worked in Law Enforcement. She pretty much freaked out at the time and could not believe my parents called the police. My Dad told her to relax, they are guests and friends of my son's and your daughter's. But if you want them to leave, you explain it to them but make sure they are not holding their weapon when you do.

My father later told me...always remember that you married the woman, not her family and never be afraid to remind them of that and you may have to do it often...I have found my father was very correct in that statement.

Oh my goodness, the wife and I may have to go to the state with some new information we did not know before. If not anything with questions that could lead to an investigation. Certainly not what we want, but we are not sure we have much choice left. Another cousin has come out of the woodwork and was told to contact us and has been putting it off, but when hearing what we were dealing with she knew she had too. Turns out my MIL attacked her father in her father's own home because she did not like a joke he told and now has a restraining order against her that is good for a year, there is still seven months left on it. She has also pulled my MIL off my FIL a few times when he does not do what she asks in the time frame she wants it done. She has a habit of hitting him in the eye, temple, arm, shoulder, and stomach.

Our problem is trying to figure out if her father will tell my wife about these incidents without us confronting him with the different people who have told us about them and what she has done to others and the restraining order. We call this a problem because my MIL will never let my FIL go anywhere by himself when it comes to my wife being around.

Well we heard from the doctor today. Interesting conversation we had. He said all privacy laws go out the window when one of them is threatening harm or doing harm to themselves or when one is doing harm to a spouse or others in the home or others outside the home. Then he said I can sing like a bluebird to their children and state agencies. Whoever wants to discuss the issues I can answer any of their questions, but they have to come to me first.

So he said now I am going to be referring her to a specific doctor in Portland, ME. I can't tell who he is, but I can tell you the street and the name of his office building. You are more than welcome to call his office and ask all the questions you want and even give them all the background you want. So my wife and I did just that today. This office deals with those with emotional problems, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, Dementia, and a whole lot more. He thought she was in the beginning stages of a couple of these, but after reading our letter he knew it was all an act because she had done her research to find out how people with these diseases are supposed to act. Now he is sending her in for the real confirmation that she doesn't have it because they will do CT Scans and MRI Scans, blood work, and X-Rays sharing with him all their findings...as well as memory and cognitive testing. It all comes back to "you can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the all of the time". Now that her doctor knows he has been played as a fool, gig is up, new game plan...he is calling her in for an appointment next week to go over her meds. That is when everything comes out.

My wife and I have made the decision that if they won't get the help, we will not leave them a choice because we will get the state involved. The doctor is already notifying the state as he is obligated to, but we don't have to because we notified him. However, if they won't follow through then we can get involved again by going to the state ourselves.

and let the games begin...because I had only had a few hours sleep, I did not hear the phone ring and it was my agitated mother-in-law who also sounded depressed. She wanted to talk to me about a doctors appointment she had been to. Because I am trying to help my parents with their own health issues this week, that is enough stress at the moment. So she will have to wait for my wife to get out of work. It is what my wife and I agreed to, she will deal with hers for awhile and I will deal with mine. My wife realizes I have been getting the shaft in this arrangement and it is time she picked up her end for a change. I will not let her carry this burden alone, but she will have to get this ball rolling and deal with her own mother.

Yup, we are waiting to see what happens next with her mother and see if her counselor gives in and recommends she somebody of a higher level of professionalism where she has been than honest with him. Her primary care doctor is going to fill in the counselor on everything that has been going on with her and see just how little or how much he knows about what has been going on. If he knows as little as the primary care and is willing to recommend a higher level of professional counselor than we will wait and see where that goes...if she does not then we will move up to the next level on our own. It has been recommended that a family intervention be the next step and see if that shake her or if we skip that step and we as a family go straight to the state. However, the state will ask if we have done an intervention with her as a family. So we may be forced to do this first anyway.