Am I crazy?
- Thread starter HolyisourGod
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Are you crazy? No, but it doesn't appear that she shares the same feelings. That is a huge age gap. You probably have more in common with her parents that you have with her. I'm sorry.
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quietpraiyze
In The Secret Place
I don't think you're crazy but I do think there are some things that are better said face to face. Had you had the conversation with her in person, you probably would have seen she was uncomfortable and you could have backed up maybe preserving the friendship. Now? I doubt it. I think the best thing to do is to bless her and release your emotions from her.
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com7fy8
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- May 22, 2013
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I understand that if God wants someone to do something with me, He will deeply satisfy that person to do it with me. And He will lead her to. So, I need to pray and be ready for what she really will do or not >
"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)
This says how to be, not only how to act. In me, I need to not have any lording-over stuff, including feeling like I am "entitled" to have her do what I want and expect and dictate. She belongs to Jesus first; He decides if He wants to trust me with her; He guides her how He pleases
If you consider her to be a really Christian woman, trust her to seek God and obey Him; if you do not trust her, I would say marry someone you do trust to be a person who is guided by God, and who can be wise to you when you are mistaken and help you get correction. And be glad that He does guide her, howsoever He pleases. Know that God is good, and so what He does with you and her will be even better than you can hope, now. So, we can be thanking Him (Philippians 4:6-7, Colossians 3:15), for how He will take care of this, and be ready to be glad and appreciative. Possibly, she is mature and sound enough to know better than you; there is a big difference between being truly intimate in Jesus with a lady, versus me being really intimate only with my own feelings.
I have found that older women have been very good for me, since they have for years grown in Jesus and have matured and learned how to relate in love. So, it is important that we know and share with more mature ladies of Jesus.
It takes time to become a good old peach
First there's that cute little buddy, so-o fuzzy,
then the green teen not exactly mature;
but even in our middle years . . .
yes, we can be oh-so colorful
in all that peach-light coming down
all around us;
and yet, we're still going to get
at least a little bit bitter and sour,
deep-down inside.
Because we need to go through some
heat of the summer,
before we can reach a ripe old age;
but then is when we can
get sweeter and sweeter
and even more and more juicy
Because we made that commitment
to learn how to love.
"'Take My yoke upon you,
and learn from Me,
for I am gentle and lowly in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.'"
(Matthew 11:29)
"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)
This says how to be, not only how to act. In me, I need to not have any lording-over stuff, including feeling like I am "entitled" to have her do what I want and expect and dictate. She belongs to Jesus first; He decides if He wants to trust me with her; He guides her how He pleases
If you consider her to be a really Christian woman, trust her to seek God and obey Him; if you do not trust her, I would say marry someone you do trust to be a person who is guided by God, and who can be wise to you when you are mistaken and help you get correction. And be glad that He does guide her, howsoever He pleases. Know that God is good, and so what He does with you and her will be even better than you can hope, now. So, we can be thanking Him (Philippians 4:6-7, Colossians 3:15), for how He will take care of this, and be ready to be glad and appreciative. Possibly, she is mature and sound enough to know better than you; there is a big difference between being truly intimate in Jesus with a lady, versus me being really intimate only with my own feelings.
I have found that older women have been very good for me, since they have for years grown in Jesus and have matured and learned how to relate in love. So, it is important that we know and share with more mature ladies of Jesus.
It takes time to become a good old peach
First there's that cute little buddy, so-o fuzzy,
then the green teen not exactly mature;
but even in our middle years . . .
yes, we can be oh-so colorful
in all that peach-light coming down
all around us;
and yet, we're still going to get
at least a little bit bitter and sour,
deep-down inside.
Because we need to go through some
heat of the summer,
before we can reach a ripe old age;
but then is when we can
get sweeter and sweeter
and even more and more juicy
Because we made that commitment
to learn how to love.
"'Take My yoke upon you,
and learn from Me,
for I am gentle and lowly in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.'"
(Matthew 11:29)
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It sounds like you have a lovely friendship, and it is certainly not crazy to love and hope.
However sending a woman 20 years your junior a message that you're in love with her is still going to be a lot for her to process. It can cause a great many thoughts when you realise the true depths of the feeling someone has for you, particularly when there are factors involved that complicate the matter (distance, age). You've known each other a relatively short period of time, particularly considering the distance, and I assume that before you dropped the love bomb on her you two had never discussed the fact your friendship had developed on a deeper level?
What exactly are intimate conversations in this context? I have had what some may call intimate conversations with older male friends as I view them as safe father figures, but the conversations have come about through seeking advice of someone who benefits from years of faith led experience rather than an indication of my interest in them as a potential partner. However had these intimate conversations involved discussion of feelings between you then that changes things slightly.
I agree with the poster who said that had this conversation happened naturally in person it would perhaps have gone better. My view is that the friendship is salvageable, depending on her own thoughts (which none of us know) the future could have many possibilities, but it all depends on whether she feels comfortable enough to reply and address the topic. There are two people who can give you peace in regards to this situation, the young woman herself (once she collects herself enough to engage you in conversation) and most importantly God.
You have laid your feelings on the table, and at this moment in time she has unfortunately decided to ignore them. While she may respond in the future, perhaps you'll even have a decent conversation addressing these feelings and seeing where you two go from here, all you can do now is trust in God that what will be will be.
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Albion
Facilitator
No, you're not crazy with any of this. But her response seems undeniably to indicate that she doesn't feel that same way and doesn't want to encourage it. At 21, she is quite young, even aside from the difference in years between you two.
Sooooo, you could make a bigger effort to speak to her (and I do not mean by email or anything like that), BUT you need to be prepared to accept the facts of the matter and hope that you can salvage a friendship if she's willing. To do that, you're going to have to climb down from your profession of love big time. You could explain that you were carried away, didn't mean quite what it seemed, etc...and hope that this will help.
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- May 31, 2013
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I might repeat what others have said. Sorry in advance.
1) I don't understand how you can be "friends" with someone you almost never see, with 3K miles between you. I don't think "friends" is a suitable way to classify whatever interactions you've had with her. You've probably let your imagination run away with you at least to some degree. Your imagination probably filled the blank spaces left by lack of real-world interaction. By that I mean being physically present. Your imagination can and will invent anything+everything (even create a fictional, highly desirable woman from only brief/preliminary encounters) to get the five senses what they want. Your imagination can be your best friend, or it can run you right off into a ditch, as it's done here. And it doesn't care how much the wreck will cost to fix.
2) I don't think you can be friends with a person, with future romantic involvement envisioned, with someone half your age because the world views, the experiences, the styles, the language, the TV, the music, the life priorities, the entire experience of living -- it's all different.
3) Lots of younger women like to have conversations, or the electronic equivalents, with older men if they (the women) judge them to be safe, i.e. if they believe the men won't proposition them, no matter how honorably. (There's probably even a "Dad but not Dad" attraction to it, along with the trust that goes along.) I'm guessing she no longer feels safe. She might even feel creeped out because of the age gap / Dad angle. If I were in my early 20s and a woman in her early 40s expressed a love interest in me, I'd feel... yeah... creeped out.
I guess I didn't put too much icing on this. Well, the good thing about it is, before six months have passed this'll all be out of your head, and it'll have been such a jarring experience that you'll never do it again. That's the big advantage of hard falls.
Looking ahead:
Step One: No one ever died from this. Everything's going to be fine.
Step Two: Forgive yourself. You're not the first guy to have walked down this road.
Step Three: After the mess is mopped up, try to advise other guys going through the same thing. You've been there. That makes you an expert, and I'm as serious as a heart attack when I say that. You get what I'm saying?
1) I don't understand how you can be "friends" with someone you almost never see, with 3K miles between you. I don't think "friends" is a suitable way to classify whatever interactions you've had with her. You've probably let your imagination run away with you at least to some degree. Your imagination probably filled the blank spaces left by lack of real-world interaction. By that I mean being physically present. Your imagination can and will invent anything+everything (even create a fictional, highly desirable woman from only brief/preliminary encounters) to get the five senses what they want. Your imagination can be your best friend, or it can run you right off into a ditch, as it's done here. And it doesn't care how much the wreck will cost to fix.
2) I don't think you can be friends with a person, with future romantic involvement envisioned, with someone half your age because the world views, the experiences, the styles, the language, the TV, the music, the life priorities, the entire experience of living -- it's all different.
3) Lots of younger women like to have conversations, or the electronic equivalents, with older men if they (the women) judge them to be safe, i.e. if they believe the men won't proposition them, no matter how honorably. (There's probably even a "Dad but not Dad" attraction to it, along with the trust that goes along.) I'm guessing she no longer feels safe. She might even feel creeped out because of the age gap / Dad angle. If I were in my early 20s and a woman in her early 40s expressed a love interest in me, I'd feel... yeah... creeped out.
I guess I didn't put too much icing on this. Well, the good thing about it is, before six months have passed this'll all be out of your head, and it'll have been such a jarring experience that you'll never do it again. That's the big advantage of hard falls.
Looking ahead:
Step One: No one ever died from this. Everything's going to be fine.
Step Two: Forgive yourself. You're not the first guy to have walked down this road.
Step Three: After the mess is mopped up, try to advise other guys going through the same thing. You've been there. That makes you an expert, and I'm as serious as a heart attack when I say that. You get what I'm saying?
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You didn't ask for encouragement...I guess I didn't understand what you really wanted. No, we don't know all the details but only what you have given us. My advice and I assume others comes from our life experiences. She didn't respond. That alone says tons. We can only speculate on why but the truth is that she gave you an answer by not answering. Yes, anything is possible through God but to encourage hope at this time is probably not as uplifting in the long-run as you think. Pick up the telephone and have a real talk with her...or better yet, flyout for a weekend...if you have the kind of relationship that you say you do, then this calls for a real one-on-one conversation. But if she doesn't answer your calls then understand, she has given you an answer and she isn't mature enough to face you with it.
God is faithful...but He is also faithful in mending our broken hearts.
And no, most of us here don't talk with the pretty words of encouragement that were hoping for. As a nurse, I live in a world of blunt harsh realities and my job is to encourage without offering false hopes. I won't respond to your posts anymore because my intention is not to harm you and know I do tend to be rather blunt at times. I wish you peace.
God is faithful...but He is also faithful in mending our broken hearts.
And no, most of us here don't talk with the pretty words of encouragement that were hoping for. As a nurse, I live in a world of blunt harsh realities and my job is to encourage without offering false hopes. I won't respond to your posts anymore because my intention is not to harm you and know I do tend to be rather blunt at times. I wish you peace.
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To the OP: I sincerely try to help, and I get accused of being a "Job comforter?" What's up with that, and what possible relevance does this mess have to Job? This isn't about comfort; it's about understanding why your situation headed south in a heartbeat because of a decision you made, understanding the woman's POV, and making sure you don't step on the same mine again.
My gift is not exhortation? Maybe you didn't read the "looking ahead" part of my reply.
I'm reminded of the cripple at the pool of Bethsaida. Jesus asks him if he wants to be made well, and instead the guy asks for sympathy and comfort. Like a radio receiver, he's tuned only into his own misery, and mistuned to external attempts to help him get out of it. And so Jesus has to ask a second time if he wants to be made well.
It's a question of focusing on the solution, not focusing on the problem. This business with her is over and done with. I would encourage you not to keep it on life support, sitting in your emotional pain, focusing solely on the present, and looking for sympathy to make it less-painful. That's one of Satan's oldest tricks. You claim to be a Christian. Okay, you have the power of the Kingdom at your disposal -- power that would make an atom bomb look like a July Fourth firecracker. In the name of Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, I call you healed. Now, get up and walk!
My gift is not exhortation? Maybe you didn't read the "looking ahead" part of my reply.
I'm reminded of the cripple at the pool of Bethsaida. Jesus asks him if he wants to be made well, and instead the guy asks for sympathy and comfort. Like a radio receiver, he's tuned only into his own misery, and mistuned to external attempts to help him get out of it. And so Jesus has to ask a second time if he wants to be made well.
It's a question of focusing on the solution, not focusing on the problem. This business with her is over and done with. I would encourage you not to keep it on life support, sitting in your emotional pain, focusing solely on the present, and looking for sympathy to make it less-painful. That's one of Satan's oldest tricks. You claim to be a Christian. Okay, you have the power of the Kingdom at your disposal -- power that would make an atom bomb look like a July Fourth firecracker. In the name of Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, I call you healed. Now, get up and walk!
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It's depressing that I received no true encouragement. Instead I see lots of assumptions including the possibility of being a dad figure to her and her being creeped out.
Based no doubt on experience and trying, in some way, to help you understand why she has closed herself off from you at this point in time. Part of healing is understanding that the proclamation of love from someone you had not expected it from is going to cause anyone, particular someone entering their 20's, a moment of reflection.
Others have made the point that I should not have messaged but you forgot that I said I had no choice.
It is done and dusted now, but there is always a choice. You made the decision to tell her by message, for reasons you alone know, but it was still a choice. The mention that this was not preferable is laid out there as an understanding that, when it comes to love, nothing can get shut down quicker than a message.
Maybe this would have been better " I know you are hurting like crazy, but I know and trust that God will take this and use it for your good.
Which I see many people have actually said in their own words.
He has promised that all things will work for the good of those who love Him. Hang in there! He is with you and will never forsake you! He will provide for you. He is a God of reconciliation and restoration. Pray for her and bless her. Watch expectantly for the Lord. Wait for the God of your salvation. He has heard you! When you hurt remember He is near and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Trust in Him with all your heart and don't lean on your own understanding. Trust in Him and renew your strength."
Again I read through the responses you received and that is pretty much the thread by which others have stitched their responses with.
I'd like to add that if you feel your comments are going to be blunt speak not at all. This should be done in love and meekness. Not in your face and full of assumptions.
Are they blunt? I read through them and see nothing but love and carefully selected words attempting to help you understand why she may have needed to cut herself out of your life for this period of time.
I've dealt with a heavy load for nearly two months and ya'll have added to it. Could not one have lifted the load? My burdened wasn't taken upon you, the law of the cross, instead only greater weight was added.
God can provide many assistants along the way, assistants who will help lift the load if you will allow them to. If instead you see only assistance you did not want, then how can the burden be lifted?
If I've hurt you with my rebuke I'm truly sorry.
I'm not sure why anyone would be hurt by what you've posted. I personally interpreted your words as written by someone who is hurting and failed to receive the responses he expected.
I've corrected, so here's some encouragement. Matters of the heart are the worst. And though I know yall meant well you took a path much more dangerous than necessary.
Yet also a path that was taken due to the information provided. The path of support and compassion is not always smooth sailing, and rarely does it leave itself in the bay of pure encouragement and positivity.
Think outside your own experience, and put yourself in anothers shoes. If put in my shoes are these the type of responses you would want to hear?
Ah, but perhaps we have. I have been the young woman who received a proclamation of love from a man 20+ years my senior, over a message. A man I'd seen three times in person, and while we'd had many a conversation it still caused me to require time alone to consider his words. If the boot were on my feet, and I had laid it all on the line for another person, I would much rather hear the thoughtful and practical responses that have been received.
Or would you prefer words that are encouraging and reminding of the love of God and his faithfulness and his ability to save?
And here is where we differ. I see the responses as full of love and encouragement, I see people reminding you that it is God who can heal us, but these responses were not worded in the way you desired.
Others have made the point that I should not have messaged but you forgot that I said I had no choice.
It is done and dusted now, but there is always a choice. You made the decision to tell her by message, for reasons you alone know, but it was still a choice. The mention that this was not preferable is laid out there as an understanding that, when it comes to love, nothing can get shut down quicker than a message.
Maybe this would have been better " I know you are hurting like crazy, but I know and trust that God will take this and use it for your good.
Which I see many people have actually said in their own words.
He has promised that all things will work for the good of those who love Him. Hang in there! He is with you and will never forsake you! He will provide for you. He is a God of reconciliation and restoration. Pray for her and bless her. Watch expectantly for the Lord. Wait for the God of your salvation. He has heard you! When you hurt remember He is near and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Trust in Him with all your heart and don't lean on your own understanding. Trust in Him and renew your strength."
Again I read through the responses you received and that is pretty much the thread by which others have stitched their responses with.
I'd like to add that if you feel your comments are going to be blunt speak not at all. This should be done in love and meekness. Not in your face and full of assumptions.
Are they blunt? I read through them and see nothing but love and carefully selected words attempting to help you understand why she may have needed to cut herself out of your life for this period of time.
I've dealt with a heavy load for nearly two months and ya'll have added to it. Could not one have lifted the load? My burdened wasn't taken upon you, the law of the cross, instead only greater weight was added.
God can provide many assistants along the way, assistants who will help lift the load if you will allow them to. If instead you see only assistance you did not want, then how can the burden be lifted?
If I've hurt you with my rebuke I'm truly sorry.
I'm not sure why anyone would be hurt by what you've posted. I personally interpreted your words as written by someone who is hurting and failed to receive the responses he expected.
I've corrected, so here's some encouragement. Matters of the heart are the worst. And though I know yall meant well you took a path much more dangerous than necessary.
Yet also a path that was taken due to the information provided. The path of support and compassion is not always smooth sailing, and rarely does it leave itself in the bay of pure encouragement and positivity.
Think outside your own experience, and put yourself in anothers shoes. If put in my shoes are these the type of responses you would want to hear?
Ah, but perhaps we have. I have been the young woman who received a proclamation of love from a man 20+ years my senior, over a message. A man I'd seen three times in person, and while we'd had many a conversation it still caused me to require time alone to consider his words. If the boot were on my feet, and I had laid it all on the line for another person, I would much rather hear the thoughtful and practical responses that have been received.
Or would you prefer words that are encouraging and reminding of the love of God and his faithfulness and his ability to save?
And here is where we differ. I see the responses as full of love and encouragement, I see people reminding you that it is God who can heal us, but these responses were not worded in the way you desired.
The bluntness you were so hurt by was spoke in love by all who responded. I cannot respond as you wish me to, I do not feel it would be beneficial. God will use this as He sees fit, and I pray this will be a building block in your faith. I hope He provides the closure and comfort you need.
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quietpraiyze
In The Secret Place
After reading your responses I get a sense that saying anything other than “God is going to give her to you to wife and wait on the Lord brother because He's a God of the impossible” would have satisfied you. I can't pray that because you're not the only person in the situation. The young woman involved has a will of her own and I'm not going to pray against her will. She's choosing not to return your calls/messages. While you may not like it, you do have to respect it and eventually accept it. I know you don't like that, but when a person tells another person they are in love with them and the other person doesn't respond, you have your answer. So I'm not going to comfort you by saying what you want to hear but rather what is in hopes that you will draw nigh unto the ultimate Comforter. May the Lord's will be done.
*Also I don't know too many people our age who haven't had tremendous losses and sufferings. I also don't know anybody our ages who hasn't loved and lost. So odds are you're right in the midst of people who know exactly what you're talking about and that's why we responded the way we did...
*Also I don't know too many people our age who haven't had tremendous losses and sufferings. I also don't know anybody our ages who hasn't loved and lost. So odds are you're right in the midst of people who know exactly what you're talking about and that's why we responded the way we did...
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