This is so strange because I feel like you have written how I feel.
I know exactly how you feel, because the pressure is just too much, too many things in the mind at once, all scrambled, one problem after another that you feel you have to fix. It would be easier to disappear and end it all, but it wouldn't be right.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
It WILL get better, someway somehow. Because with God nothing is impossible.
I've been to deep dark places, where I believed that there really was no way out, but someway somehow (still baffles me how I got to this point after years of deep depression) God took me out of there and showed me that life CAN be enjoyable.
We don't have all the answers, but sometimes you just have to trust that things will get better.
One line I read a few days ago that stuck with me was this: "Your current situation does not represent your final destination". Never forget that, you are not stuck.
I know what you are going through right now all too well.
Before I start my long story/rambling I will say this - you are a perfectionist, you want to be perfect because you are insecure about yourself. To make up for your low self-esteem, you try to "make up" by trying to be perfect. Then people will only have good things to say about you, and you can hide all your flaws, and therefore they will have no reason to dislike you. And once you have that external validation that they like you, you can feel good about yourself. So you second-guess yourself because you judge your "performance" and it bothers you so much because it is very important to you that you do everything right.
You need to let it go. It is the only way.
I know it is easier said than done, and I still fail at this sometimes, but you need to let go of the need to be perfect.
And the only way you can let that go is by being first comfortable with yourself. Accepting your flaws, because then you will not care what people think of your flaws.
I have many flaws, and I am very hard on myself, I pressure myself, that "I must" "I can't" "I should".
You should not pressure yourself too much and accept that there are some things you are good at, and some you aren't.
You were hired because of your skills and your talent. You should feel good about that. Because not everybody get professional jobs. Not everybody gets to that level. And you did.
Before you say “but I am not as good as so and so” I will say this – everyone goes through their life stages at different times. Some may be harvesting the fruits of what they have planted, others may still be planting.
And where you are, right now in your current role, God put you there. You are where you need to be. Yes sure, it was HR who made the decision, but it was God who worked silently behind the scenes to make sure you are where you need to be. That means, no-one has the authority to take that away if it is not God's will.
If He is the most powerful, should you not then be basing your need to impress on Him?
Maybe then, instead of trying to impress the people at work, impress God.
God is simple, He doesn't ask for much, He just asks that we do our best. Even if our best falls short of what we expect from ourselves.
So what if my colleague didn’t talk to me today? So what if I said the wrong thing?
That's okay, they will forget in a few days, and they won't hold it against you.
I've come to learn that everyone makes slip-ups, but people don't care. Because when it happened to someone else, I didn’t care, I was too busy worrying about myself. And the same goes for your colleagues.
Do not worry about whether or not they like you, because that will drive you crazy. You cannot please everyone, and often the person who tries to be the people-pleaser becomes the most-hated.
Even that one guy/girl who says things they shouldn't are still liked because they are authentic, they are true to themselves.
You have to be you, because no-one else can do it better than you can.
I am not ashamed to say that I have a weird, quirky and fun personality.
I used to hate it, and I used to wonder why I even have friends, and then I realised that's what they like about me. I do not feel social norms, and that's okay. At least I still have my authencity.
There are those who won't like it and those who will, and those who do will appreciate everything about you, including your flaws. In fact, the things you will hate most about yourself are things that they will love most about you.
And from becoming comfortable with myself, I started caring less what people thought of me.
My fried, you also just have to stop thinking. Your mind will take you to places, it will make you believe things that aren't real.
If you contemplate on everything that has gone wrong, and every outcome of every situation life will pass you by, and you won’t see yourself in it. Or you can choose to move on and move forward, one step closer to where you need to be.
It takes time, but you will get there. You are strong.
Your worth does not depend on what people think of you, but on God thinks of you. And you are precious. But you have to believe that you are.
The LORD loves you as you are, right here, right now. And He put you there for a reason, but also because you can do it.
Don't feel like you have to prove something. Live your life, and ask yourself each day if what you did was what God would have wanted. That is, to do your best, with a pure spirit, no ulterior motives (e.g. perfection/to be liked), then you will be fine.
God does not expect us to move mountains, He is the one who does that for us.
Just like you can ask Him for guidance on your job, to show you the right thing to do, to have the right balance, to reduce the pressure, to get out of people's heads and accept only His judgement.
I sometimes read an article I found online. I advise you to print it and read it to yourself when you feel you need to, and highlight those lines which speak to you most.
http://anxietynetwork.com/content/perfectionism-and-pressure
My dear friend, I hope I have helped you, because I have certainly helped myself writing this.
Which is why I always say, someway somehow, God always gives an answer. Today I was seeking, I was about to make a post about how stressed I am feeling about work and afraid of what my colleagues think of me.
Again, your current situation is not your final destination.
Once you let go and accept yourself, you will start to realise there was never anything wrong with you to begin with.
I will leave you with the following quotes:
"Let Go, Let God."
"What lies in front of you and what lies behind you is so small compared to what lies within you."
"If you believe in yourself, anything is possible. And if you don't believe in yourself, pretend until you do"
"Everything passes, except for God's word."
You are on a good journey. I went on the same way myself, and it helped me to overcome many obstacles, the ones which were the root of all my problems - the need to be liked and the need for external gratification.
It is part of God's plan for you to be there, and with Him by your side, the one who makes anything possible, the one who will forever have the last word, what do you have to fear? ;-)
