Horrendous anxiety

Alyssa12 said:

...Paul- As far as a professional goes, there's no way I could do it now. I don't have money and I don't want my parents to know about it either. They'll think I'm crazy and that'll just make me even more anxious. If I ever sought out a professional, I'd want to do it secretly and while living on my own. I don't want certain family members to know. They give me more than enough anxiety as it is.

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Around here at least, you can get totally free mental health treatment. Most places will work off of a sliding scale based on your income, and if you don't work, you pay nothing or almost nothing. Obviously if you can't somehow sneak there w/o anyone knowing, the fact that it's free won't matter.

Alyssa12 said:

I can't deal with my anxiety anymore. I've been dealing with it on and off for 15 years now. It's sooo unpleasant. The anxiety manifests itself physically through gagging. I used to be able to suppress it somewhat but I can't anymore. I just do it. It's so ridiculous and embarrassing. I don't want to rely on drugs or anything like that. I only want to rely on God and have some Christian support to overcome this. I don't have a job right now and the thought of interviews sends me into panic. I haven't told anyone about this but my friend who is also a Christian.

For those of you who deal with anxiety and panic attacks - what do you do?? I don't know how to handle it. I can't control my thoughts. They wander to anxious ones all the time. I'm terrified of having a panic attack and that just makes the anxiety worse. It's a vicious cycle that I can't wait to leave. I guess I came on here for ideas in dealing with this, help with overcoming it, support and prayers. I feel like I desperately need it.

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I used to have severe panic attacks. Just so you know, my diagnosis are PTSD, bipolar and I scored 37 on the self-test for Aspergers. I haven't told my therapist about that one yet, LOL!

Anyway, I used to drink the anxiety and panic away. Then, when I started getting sober, they were horrendous. I couldn't look for work. I'd feel like I was having a heart attack if I got too far from home.

After I became a Christian, I was studying the New Testament and I was focused on those passages about demons and cleaning house, etc.

And I started wondering if any of it were demonic attacks. God's Word says that, "God does not give a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind".

Well, I had the fear all right and I definitely didn't have a sound mind, LOL! It went bonkers at times.

So, I started binding and rebuking in Jesus' name. A lot of stuff left!!!

I just started listing stuff that I didn't think came from God. Like fear, anger, rage, etc.

Didn't have a panic attack for a looong time! Man that was awesome! Then one day, I met this woman in the grocery store whom I had witnessed to about a year or so prior to that day.

She was bragging about how well she was doing and that no, she didn't need to get sober nor did she need Jesus. She had started a daycare center and she made some mention of some occult practice. I don't remember what else was said but I felt like I needed to get away from her.

As I walked away, I suddenly felt this awful sensation come over me. I felt ill. So I got in the checkout line. I looked down at the end of the isle and there she was grinning at me. This evil grin.

And before I could get through the checkout line, I started having a full blown panic attack and had to just walk off and leave my groceries sitting there.

I got outside and got in my van and started praying. I bound and rebuked satan and anything that was sent against me in Jesus' name and it immediately left.

I haven't had a panic attack since then.

Now, don't get me wrong. I still have had anxiety at times. Dealing with the issues that caused the PTSD wasn't easy.
I've been through hell and back, but nothing like it used to be.

I think it had several sources. First, there were footholds in my life because of what I had been through. Second, there were just plain footholds because prior to that I drank instead of trusting in the Lord. Third, I know the incident in the store was an outright demonic attack.

Then, I've learned some promises in God's Word that I cling to. And it works!!!

DreamingDay said:

I'm completely with you, I don't want to be a 'bum' I want to work. I guess if we look at that positively, at least we have the desire to do it! Right?
I've always been a shy person, but one event in high school made it worse. I was reading a paper in front of the class and my hands started shaking making the whole paper shake and crinkle! It was so embarrassing. One girl was like 'your hands were shaking.' I said 'I know.' and just quickly sat down. After college, since I spent most of my time at home alone, my anxieties have gotten worse.
I don't think your nightmare/vision is crazy. I remember when I was little I saw a black figure when I woke in the night. And I'll admit because of that I don't really like the dark... and usually sleep with the TV on.:o
Its amazing how one thing/event can stay with us for so long, even when they are insignificant in the large scheme of things.
Pray in Jesus' name for that evil spirit to be banished forever, to never haunt your mind. II Thessolonians 3:3 says 'But the Lord is faithful, who will establish you and guard you from the evil one.'
Yes we will conquer this in Christ, Amen to that!

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At least you didn't pass out in front of the class! I did that in High School!

Now, after being in therapy and AA all of these years, they've sent me to speak all over the place.

Alyssa12 said:

HisSparkPlug,

Thank you for answering as well and for welcoming me. Yes, my upbringing was I think partly to blame. Also it's me and how I deal with problems - I bottle things up and don't talk about things until I'm being crushed under the weight of it.

I was and still am a very attached kind of person. I had major separation anxiety when I started school. I hated it so much and I cried for the first couple of weeks. I was teased a lot as well because I was so shy.

One day in grade 3 I was told to take down the attendance. I was curious and was reading it as I was walking to the office and I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. I walked onto the staircase and I'd forgotten that a teacher was there working with his class on bridges. As soon as I realized the class was there I ran out but he yelled at me to come back. I came back and he yelled at me so much! It was the first time a stranger yelled at me like that before. In fact I never had a male (stranger or not) yell at me like that before. I was afraid he'd send me to the office and I'd get suspended or something and the principal would call home and my parents would yell at me too. He didn't and said I could use the staircase that one time and he never wanted to see me there again. At the end of the year we found out what teacher we were getting next year. Guess who I got? I freaked right out that entire summer. It was a massive breakdown. I had anxiety attacks everyday all day long. I was so stressed out because I thought he hated me and would yell at me like that if I made any mistakes. I never told my parents about that incident and they thought I was nuts and I was getting on their nerves. They got so angry with me. It just made me even more afraid of having a panic attack in front of them. That's how my anxiety attacks happened. I started to associate summer, holidays, and eating with anxiety. What a nightmare. My intense fear also came out of a nightmare/vision I had.

I was at the mall with my parents. I had a nasty habit of touching everything and my mom told me not to touch and I remember deliberately touching something after she said that. All of a sudden the scene changed and I was in my room and there was a black figure standing there on the other side of the bed. I ran to one end and it darted quickly to that end on the opposite side. I ran to the other end and it darted there as well. I knew I couldn't outrun it and I had a feeling that if I turned my back it would get me for sure. So I stood there and cried. And all of a sudden the scene changed again and I was back in the mall. I couldn't find my parents at first and started to panic and when I saw them exiting to the entrance of the mall I ran over. They thought I was crying because I got lost. I never told them about that either. I was shocked and couldn't figure out what exactly happened. I was around 3 or 4 then.

I think a great fear of mine is abandonment. I don't know why, I guess I'm afraid if I do something wrong I'll get disowned or something. Please pray with me that I'll conquer my fears and anxiety in Jesus' name.

I think it's mostly the things I associated with anxiety that really bring it out.

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Whoa!!!

Okay, I've had two incidents that if they had been tied together would probably be more freaky than it already is.

When I first saw your post about the dark man..I'm thinking immediately demon activity because I had a demon stand at the end of my bed one night. It woke me from a sound sleep. I woke up because I smelled smoke and I thought the house was on fire.

I was a new Christian at the time and I had never even heard of anything like that but I smell fire and brimstone.

Satan said, "You'll never get rid of me"
I bound and rebuked him in Jesus' name and started praying and he left. Never returned.

However,

When I was a kid, spaghetti was my favorite food. I could eat that three times a day.

I also used to watch Lost in Space as a kid and on one of the episodes, there was this 'spaghetti monster'. That's how I saw it.

I also had a favorite uncle. Actually, he was my great uncle and he used to help my aunt with the rental properties because she couldn't climb the stairs anymore.

She owned an apartment building next to her house and she had an apartment upstairs. Occassionally, I would follow him around as he did maintenance. One day, my great aunt asked him to go collect rent from the upstairs renter. She was concerned because this guy was on time all of the time. But she hadn't seen him in a long time.

So he went upstairs.

I started having these nightmares about a spaghetti monster chasing me through this apartment building. I would run down the hallway, open a door, shut it and lean up against it panting in fear. Except I would look and there he was in the room with me! So, I would run down the hall again, open another apartment door and close it behind me thinking I had gotten away from him and as soon as I turned around. There he was again.

This nightmare would continue on and on and on and finally always ended with me in my aunt's apartment and me running and hiding under the kitchen table. And my great aunts and my grandmother and mom were all out in the backyard in the garden.

He told me, "You say anything and I'll kill you!" just as they were all coming in the backdoor and I would wake up.

I didn't have this nightmare all of the time, but when I did, even as a student in High School, I began to wonder what in the world was behind it. A child having a nightmare that repeated is one thing but I was still having it.

I got into therapy in 91 and part of my therapy was to pray and ask the Lord to show me what issues to work on, help me regain the memories that I needed to deal with and to give me the courage and strength to do so.

When I finally had the recall on that nightmare, my uncle went upstairs to collect the rent and I followed him. The stairs went up and made a right turn and then there was the door.

Well, he told me to go back downstairs, but I thought he was playing a game with me like he usually did and I went down as far as the turn was and stood there until after he was in the apartment. Then, I snuck up after him.

He was standing in front of the closet door and the tenant was in blue/green overalls, laying in the floor with blood all over him. My uncle looked up and saw me standing there and he chased me down the stairs and through to the kitchen threatening to kill me if I said anything.

He disappeared shortly after that. And nobody knew why. I suppose I did, but I was too scared to say anything.

My uncle murdered that man and then left town.

Children don't know how to deal with trauma and many times, they will substitute symbolism for actual events.

What happened with you in the mall, sounds like a flashback. It could be, or it could be something else.

Yeah, freaky describes most of my life !!! LOL!

Wow, that's amazing! God never lets us down. Thanks for sharing. Praise God for your news and your testimony to Him!

Alyssa12 said:

Thank you sacerdote! I appreciate your prayers.

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You are very welcome. If there's anything I can do to help or if you want to talk, come right on into Ask a Chaplain.

(((hug)))