What to do with Terrible Family??

fields316_2000 said:

we are planning a wedding and im conflicted as to even invite them. It's hurtful that it even comes down to that. I always teach my kids that how YOU treat people is a reflection of your integrity not what the person has or hasnt done. however this is also my wedding day and i dont want these folks ruining it. it's such a conflict

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What about having your wedding day and then having a separate get together/dinner with them at a later date? I don't know...I'm inclined to believe your wedding day should be what you want it to be with those who are going to celebrate your special occasion. As well as provide you with wonderful memories...

fields316_2000 said:

n fact heres an example of the last time my mom popped up on me in church. the pastor was talking about tithing and offering for the year., as well as the other little projects going on. he suggested that some people can contribute if they want to. so i filled out my check for my tithes. my mom seen that and demanded to know what im writing, how much and commanded me to contribute to all of the events suggested. i said no, and that my tithes are between me and God. she threw a fit that im disrespectful and rude etc..got her things and left the church. it was quite a show.

these people are sick. and make me upset that because im odd man out doing the right things (school, church etc) im kinda made out to be less than everyone else.

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Your mother is no reflection on you. Let the woman keep on walking right out the door. Don't follow her, don't call - nothing. You can't control that part, and you can't do anything about it. You used good boundaries though!

My father - when my brother and I were stunned by things - used to remind us at times this is what happens when you don't follow a certain path in life. That we all fall, and sometimes BIG falls! Reminds us that we are human, and told us to pray for them - if we felt led. It wasn't meant as a cut down the way he said it, but because it was truth. He said it in a way that was rather gentle in fact. Honestly, I admired him for that!

His father (my grandfather) was a hand full, and then some. He also abandon him at a young age, and then had nothing good to say once he was there. Kids know. I knew. He wasn't a nice person, and I knew why we had limited contact. I remember my mother sending my wedding invitation to him about 2 days prior to us getting married, because he lived quite a ways away...and knew he wouldn't be able to make it that way. Why? She didn't want the show at the wedding, and I know Dad knew what she did too. My grandfather had no impact on who my father was - in our eyes. He never really came out and said it - but I know he yearned for a decent relationship with him. He also knew he couldn't have one, and it was a source of heartache for him. Okay - he said little things to make us realize this now that I think about it. I guess he just didn't dwell on it - as a better way of putting it. I personally wanted to strangle the man at times, because I know he was hurting my Daddy!

That showed me that despite what society thinks at times that the apple doesn't always fall close to the tree. I always wondered HOW he could be such an awesome person, and his father wasn't. It taught me about life at times. Your children will grasp this too, because sadly it isn't an unusual dynamic. As kids get older they see it! We did! I encourage you NOT to take her behavior personally, because your children are there for you...along with your partner. Some things in life we can't control.

If doing the right thing - school, church, family - is seen as less than? lol keep doing it! Jesus wants you to, and those kids depend on you. I think at times people don't know what to say to make it better, and then they just say nothing...or ignore you because it brings shame to them. It's not the best way of approaching things, but when things aren't happening to you - yet are happening to others? You will notice the same thing. Despite the gossip hounds? Most don't know how you approach you, because they know they can't make it better. We humans are odd at times. Please don't take that behavior personally...start watching people you will notice it too! This isn't your fault, and not your's to own.

I'm sorry this happened to you. It rots!

Good on you! Rememebr your church family be there for you always..our Heavenly Father and big bro Jesus.
And the rest of us bros and sisters in Christ.

fields316_2000 said:

Im at a cross roads with what I should do with the gallery of family members that are very toxic.
1) my mom neglected me as a kid. beat me up, let her boyfriends beat me up , kicked me out repeatedly until i left for the military. the verbal abuse was an all time high from her to me, but not my sisters. we have different fathers; so because i look like my dad she takes her frustrations out on me just because i existed
2) this same mom alienated me from my dad's side of the family. so up until this year im learning my last name really isnt my dad's last name. she remarried when i was little but what happened was my mom named me after my grandfather. so i have a whole family that im 'not allowed to claim' (im an adult btw) as my family members.
3) i went through a terrible divorce. she got caught cheating, tried to alienate me from my kids all while slandering me to anyone that would listen from my former friends to co workers. this went on for years.

4) my mom and sisters who are just as toxic as her, love to gossip about me, judge and slander me...until they need money or some emergency they want me to help out with. if i dont, then of course im not really a christian, im manipulative a liar etc. but if i give in, im blessed man of God.

i say all this because this pattern has been going on since i became independent ; i leave them alone , they contact me to 'apologize' then some monetary situation comes up and it's back to arguing again. i've set up my boundaries that i wont be around them , if at all, for all the reasons listed above, but also they drink smoke and smoke weed. im not at all into that. as of lately, i've found that my mom and sisters are taking my ex wife and sisters to family dinners and now im getting threatening text messages from phone numbers that i've never seen before.

what would you do? ive already held my peace and not done anything - i havent even responded to the missed calls or texts. ive expressed how uncomfortable it is for my ex wife to be with my 'family' but no sooner than them not needing anything , they are right back to doing what ever they want. bible says to forgive but can i just forgive and let the exit my life completely?

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So sorry you going through this.

Simply answer for me is Yes, the bible also says let your light shine so others will see your good works and want to be like you. Hasty words causes anger, so just concentrate on yourself, eventually there conscience will bother them. Kill them with love it works every time however long it takes.

Avniel said:

A lot of people will always tell you to reconnect and try to be a family. The reality is that's not your mother and that's not your family. If God doesn't put it in your heart to be close to them then don't it's that simple. Do you find yourself closer to God when they are leaving you alone? That's how it was for me.

If I were you I would change my address and change my number and write a letter airing out how you feel and at the end what you forgive them for and disappear never to be heard from again. It was weights off my shoulders when I did.

Some people need family some don't. I never had a desire for a mother, I never had a yerning for a close relationship. Some people can't understand that because they either grew up with one or didn't they never had both you know.

Be free Christ doesn't want you held in bondage I'm here telling Christ wants you to be free.

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I like your reply. It's so true.

You need to be there for your children but you can disconnect and ignore everybody else. If you cannot resolve your problems with them (and from what you have written it seems like this is the case) then the best thing to do is avoid them.

If they make a genuine effort to reach out to you and ask for your forgiveness then you should accept it, but if they turn back afterwards then go back to avoiding them.