Is it wrong to only want to marry a Virgin

On US current affairs show 20/20 a report came out about adultery. One of the three main reasons people commit adultery is returning to the first love.

Sex changes the standing a person has in honour. So in the royal families of Europe, such as in Denmark, Crown Prince Frederick is married to Princess Mary, but because she once had an affair, she did not obtain the full royal title. And she had to become a Lutheran and receive Christ instead of simply being confirmed in the Catholic church.

Princess Mary was upset when her husband was emotionally reunited with his ex-girlfriend at a party, which did not lead to anything.

If you cannot talk with her openly about your faith and beliefs now, how can you get married, and how can you then begin talking openly? Why not see a counsellor and then arrange to sit with her alone or with whichever of the counsellors suits you convictions? Hope you find peace.

paulm50 said:

Annon77
Have you spoken the the girl yet?

Most of the responses here are treating her as a possession with a lit of plus and minus points. The days of girls being virgins when married were the days when, gilrs married at 13, men owned women, women were nothing more than bearers of children and housekeepers.

If that's what you're looking, ask her how she feels.

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I'm not sure your intent here, but let me say this. One of the little talked about aspects of the believers walk is self control. Not only is self control huge in the bible but it is a fruit of the Spirit, iow's is of supernatural ability. For someone to wait for someone who shows that HS power through self control is a very blessed thing. Learning to be that self controled is equally blessed. The only "ownership" in self control is to the Living God and to self. To try to dismiss this through accusations of possessions and such simply shows a lack of understanding as to what it means to be self controled even in our sexual relations.

But let me also say this, if more people were self controled over their sexual lives, inappropriate content would disappear and rape would diminish at astounding rates as would teen pregnancies, single parent households, and sexually transmitted diseases. Not because of some ownership or "possession" mentality, but rather because we learned to be self controled as scripture tells us we should be. (No, this is not limited to sexual behavior but is often revealed in this way and this is the topic on the table) Personally, I would appreciate if those who advocate this as being "possession" mentality would figure out that one can have control over self and not be a possession of any "man" (mankind)

My two cents, tired of hearing the accusation is all.

Bottom line...marry who you want to marry. You have several billion people to choose from. I am sure it is possible to find someone that meets your specifications. There are over 200 countries on this earth.

razzelflabben said:

One of the little talked about aspects of the believers walk is self control. Not only is self control huge in the bible but it is a fruit of the Spirit,

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razzelflabben:

Well, exactly; it's all part of the outworking of a good study of Galatians 5. the fruit of the Spirit.

Your living under a mistaken notion that virginity matters to God in the sense that most treat it. You are not pure, no one is pure. Anyone who has ever lived except Jesus was ever pure so the fact that religious hypocrites make it sound like a person is less pure than another based on some particular sin is hypocritical and ridiculous.

All that should matter is, are you praying about God leading you in having the right spouse that is for you. If Jesus forgives all sins and does not remember them than how dare anyone judge another for sins that have been paid for and forgotten.

Stop living under the Old Covenant law and live in grace.

Now if you meet someone that you find out is sexually active outside of marriage than that is a whole nother matter. Simply because then you need to consider how committed the other person really is in a relationship. You don't want to marry someone who's idea of marriage is so lax in the area of commitment.

Anon77 said:

Hi, I'm going to try to make this short.
Basically I need another Christian to talk to about this issue.
Nobody else seems to understand me.
I'm a 19 year old male, and I am a virgin. Abstinence is a huge deal to me and always has been. I've always been hoping that my future wife would be a virgin as well. I've recently met a girl at church and I really, really like her. She's so sweet and loves God very much. But she's 22 and I'm not sure if she's a virgin. We've been talking a lot and seeing each other outside of church but it's still a mystery to me. She wears a purity ring but didn't say if she was still a virgin she just said it's her promise to God to practice abstinence. I don't know a polite way to ask, but it's really bugging me. I don't want to fall for her and find out she's not a virgin because it would make it really difficult for me to have a serious relationship with her.
I've tried to talk to friends about this but nobody gets why it is so important to me, one friend called me a "sexist pig" for feeling this way. Is it wrong? What can I do? What should I do? I can't just change the way I feel about purity and everything. I don't want to be with someone who didn't wait for me, but at the same time I've already developed feelings for her and I can't make myself stop seeing her if she wasn't.

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danyl1967 said:

Your living under a mistaken notion that virginity matters to God in the sense that most treat it. You are not pure, no one is pure. Anyone who has ever lived except Jesus was ever pure so the fact that religious hypocrites make it sound like a person is less pure than another based on some particular sin is hypocritical and ridiculous.

All that should matter is, are you praying about God leading you in having the right spouse that is for you. If Jesus forgives all sins and does not remember them than how dare anyone judge another for sins that have been paid for and forgotten.

Stop living under the Old Covenant law and live in grace.

Now if you meet someone that you find out is sexually active outside of marriage than that is a whole nother matter. Simply because then you need to consider how committed the other person really is in a relationship. You don't want to marry someone who's idea of marriage is so lax in the area of commitment.

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You realize living under Grace does not nullify the teachings of the Apostles and Jesus Christ. I can see why certain people struggle with this concept when people are justifying sin in their own mind. Do you stand in a position to really say what God does or does not view as right? Shall we take Christs sacrifice in vain and continue sinning deliberately because 'all is well'; you do an injustice to God. Personal circumstances matter, but your view that because all are sinners a deliberate act against God is fine, is seriously wrong.

Why would it be wrong to only want to marry a virgin? After all, God too wants us to have a husband or a wife who saved themselves for marriage! He instructs us to not engage in sexual acts until we are married, as the only Biblical place for sex is within the loving embrace of marriage. I think you should feel proud for only wanting to marry a virgin! You are sticking to your moral compass and expect your spouse to as well. Good job for not wanting to compromise your values!

My only advice is this: While you are an admirable person for wanting your future spouse to be a virgin, you must also realize that the world we live in is not perfect. I was a virgin when I got married (at 29 years of age, mind you), but my husband wasn't. We had many discussions about this and how it hurt me knowing he didn't save himself for me. I felt cheated. Did I not save myself for him, after all? My now husband decided to take things up with God and they had a discussion as well. He asked for forgiveness and God forgave him. This made everything better. Knowing that God forgave him of that sin made it as if he never committed the sin at all. This made us feel much better about things and our wedding night was wonderful! I pray the same for you, whether your future spouse saved themself or not.

Of course it is not wrong to want to marry a virgin, if possible we should only marry a virgin. Would you like to eat an apple after someone else gave it a bite?

danyl1967 said:

Your living under a mistaken notion that virginity matters to God in the sense that most treat it. You are not pure, no one is pure. Anyone who has ever lived except Jesus was ever pure so the fact that religious hypocrites make it sound like a person is less pure than another based on some particular sin is hypocritical and ridiculous.

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This is hugely important. Why do some people treat premarital sex as a sin that's so much more damaging than other sins? Where on Earth did this idea come from that it somehow "ruins" you and makes you dirty in a way that can never be undone? It's something you do, good or bad. It's not something that does something to you.

If one is to prioritise virginity in their spouse I prefer it to be down to viewing it as part of the package of attributes you desire in a spouse, rather than viewing it as a sign that an individual is now spoiled. Viewing another Christian, one who has put behind them their prior lives and is new in Christ, as spoiled is, to me, not something we should do.

It is one thing to simply prefer that your future spouse be a virgin, another to allow past choices to tarnish the way in which we view someone. Particularly someone who has come to Christ after such events.

I feel I should make it clear that I do not think it wrong for someone to wish to marry a virgin, essentially it is no different to someone wishing to marry someone who actively works on maintaining their body in a certain way. Where it becomes wrong is when we view people who have perhaps had struggles and yes have stumbled along the way as somehow being tarnished.

Cearbhall said:

This is hugely important. Why do some people treat premarital sex as a sin that's so much more damaging than other sins? Where on Earth did this idea come from that it somehow "ruins" you and makes you dirty in a way that can never be undone? It's something you do, good or bad. It's not something that does something to you.

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I wasn't aware that anyone on the thread was trying to set one sin over another, except of course those that want to make an issue out of hierarchy of sin.

Where it is true, all sin will lead to death if given power over our lives, I was not aware that anyone was trying to make an issue for premarital sex being a worse sin than any other. I know people do that, I just didn't see that here.

It would be telling to know how much bais there is in the responses to this post. How many against the notion of marrying a virgin have fornicated and how many who support marrying a virgin kept themselves pure till marriage?

HolyisourGod said:

It would be telling to know how much bias there is in the responses to this post. How many against the notion of marrying a virgin have fornicated and how many who support marrying a virgin kept themselves pure till marriage?

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I'm not sure the link is necessarily virginity, but attitudes towards it and how virginity itself is viewed. That, I feel, would be far more telling.

I was raised to believe that it is your actions as a Christian that matter to God, and should you stumble then you must truly and open heartedly beg God to forgive your weakness in order to use it to form a stronger faith within you. The priests I have grown up with, indeed the clergy I know now, have never condemned someone for not being a virgin before they came to Christ, or even for stumbling while knowing Christ, providing they have not made a habit of fornicating all week then half heartedly repent on a Sunday. Similarly they've made a big deal about how constant preoccupation with the virginal status of your future spouse is just as damaging to the soul. To have resisted temptation is admirable, to fixate on purity to the point that the virginal status of someone you like can cause you anxiety is not.

MiniEmu said:

I'm not sure the link is necessarily virginity, but attitudes towards it and how virginity itself is viewed. That, I feel, would be far more telling.

I was raised to believe that it is your actions as a Christian that matter to God, and should you stumble then you must truly and open heartedly beg God to forgive your weakness in order to use it to form a stronger faith within you. The priests I have grown up with, indeed the clergy I know now, have never condemned someone for not being a virgin before they came to Christ, or even for stumbling while knowing Christ, providing they have not made a habit of fornicating all week then half heartedly repent on a Sunday. Similarly they've made a big deal about how constant preoccupation with the virginal status of your future spouse is just as damaging to the soul. To have resisted temptation is admirable, to fixate on purity to the point that the virginal status of someone you like can cause you anxiety is not.

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I'll refer you back to my previous comment...

HolyisourGod said:

I'm not understanding the harshness of many of the responses to the post. He wants God's perfect plan and will for his life, and that is two virgins coming together in marriage. He's not limiting the pool and there by lessening his chances of finding a wife. Is God not sovereign? Is God not able to provide for one seeking to walk in His perfect plan and will for our lives? I see in many comments a complete lack of faith and a willingness to walk with the world and its wisdom and not rely upon a sovereign God who wants to give us the desires of our hearts. How much more will He give us our desires when they are His perfect plan and will for us? I am 41 and have kept my virginity seeking the one God has for me. It's only taken so long because I needed healings I only recently received. I want His perfect plan and will for my life and I will continue to pray for a virgin wife. There are many benefits for desiring a virgin wife. People who have fornicated according to studies are 60-80 times more likely to commit adultery. They also bring tons of baggage into a new relationship. They also lack the ability to become one during sex with their spouse. If you use a knife to slice tomatos and then use it to scrape mud and debris from your boot it will no longer preform the task it was designed for...slicing tomatoes. So too is sex when used for a propose it was not designed for. Oneness during sex is lost when sex is used outside God's perfect plan and will for sex which of course is marriage. Can oneness be restored? Yes. God is able. But many though they seek it are not granted it. My friend wait for God. " But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me." Micah 7:7. " Behold, the Lords hand is not so short that it cannot save; Nor is His ear so dull that it cannot hear." Isaiah 59:1. Tell her you are a virgin and why. Maybe she'll open up and let you know her purity status. On a side note a widow who waited for marriage is sexually pure and would be a good candidate for a wife.

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There are many benefits to marrying a virgin and some I listed above. While I agree it's rather unhealthy to become anxious over this issue, I don't believe it's damaging to the soul otherwise, it is still; however, an important one for the op and myself. For me sex is a journey, an adventure. And as such, it's much more exciting and profitable when two newly weds begin this journey and adventure together. For a newbie to take this journey with a veteran takes away so much of this gift He has given us. For instance, my hands being the first to search and pleasure my wife will have more meaning not only for me but also for her and vice versa. I could go on and on about the benefits of physical intimacy with a virgin spouse, as well as the benefits of less, if any, baggage from previous relationships. I don't believe the op or myself are being judgemental. Rather I believe we are being practical.

I have never heard anyone say that they wished their spouse had not been a virgin when they married. I would be curious to know if anyone here wishes that their spouse was not a virgin upon marriage and if so, what do you think was gained in the relationship with previous sexual encounters? Just curious

I think perhaps I do not explain myself very well when it comes to topics such as these. I try, wherever possible, not to bring my own experiences into it because this forum is far too public a space for me to feel comfortable discussing things which I (personally) feel should be discussed with the individual you are seriously considering making a vow before God to.

I was not commenting directly on the OP, more in general. Again I'll say there is nothing wrong with preferring to marry a virgin, but some responses (and only some) gave the impression that someone who had prior sexual experiences was spoiled, even if those experiences occurred before coming to Christ and (effectively) being given a chance to life their life in the full knowledge of God and how He calls us to be.

Conversely I have heard people exclaim that had their spouse not been a virgin, they would not have so much sexual baggage. Of course that sexual baggage is different to that of someone who has engaged in sexual activities, from their conversations it would seem the baggage is related to how the spouse who had abstained until marriage had developed a preoccupation with the partners their spouse had been with previously. Again it all boils down to how we have been raised to view virginity and its role in marriage.

The priests who guided my understanding of our faith did not portray the joining of two virgins as anything special, the special aspect was the joining of two individuals who truly desired to build their marriage upon the foundations of their faith. Christ filled relationships, mutual support, but rarely any focus on the value of virginity itself.

Personal preferences, our views of the future as we imagine it would play out, are nothing to be ashamed of. I am however always wary of tones that suggest an individual deserves a fellow virgin, or appears to go down the lines of believing two virgins in marriage will automatically have a better marriage. It is not something I am used to, so perhaps I am over eager in discussing it in general terms rather than situation specific ones.

razzelflabben said:

Where it is true, all sin will lead to death if given power over our lives, I was not aware that anyone was trying to make an issue for premarital sex being a worse sin than any other. I know people do that, I just didn't see that here.

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I'm talking more about the rhetoric of it making you a "used good." Damaged in a way that can't be undone, as if repentance and God's forgiveness suddenly don't mean anything if you *gasp* have sex, of all things! Chris was saying this a couple pages back, and I've seen other people say similar things in this thread:

Wryetui said:

Would you like to eat an apple after someone else gave it a bite?

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This way of thinking seems utterly ridiculous to me.

Cearbhall said:

This way of thinking seems utterly ridiculous to me.

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Not if someone believes sex diminishes the value of a human being, which apparently (and unfortunately) seems to be a fairly common view.

KitKatMatt said:

Not if someone believes sex diminishes the value of a human being, which apparently (and unfortunately) seems to be a fairly common view.

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This is what I don't understand, though. They don't seem to feel this way about other sins, even ones that have victims. Do they talk about a teen's hand being as irreversibly altered as a used tissue after he or she shoplifts? I was never exposed to this way of thinking when I was growing up, thank goodness, so I don't quite understand it.

Does this all go back to ignorance about the nature of the hymen or something?

This is an interesting question and is something I had to deal with myself over 10 years ago. It wasn't an easy choice and I chose to marry someone who was not a virgin. I had to deal with the thoughts of her past partner, but I don't think about it too much anymore. I can't say there is a right or wrong answer, but if I had to do it all over again....well, I really don't know... If I had to guess, if the question were phrased differently to "Is it okay to not marry someone or even date someone if you are not attracted to them, even if they are godly", most people would say "Certainly!". But if virginity gets brought up as a matter of concern, that person is judgmental, childish, etc, etc... In other words, it is more important that they are attracted to someone physically vs. someone who has a godly characteristic of self control (not talking about rape victims here). Yes, I know that there will be someone who is more attractive than your husband/wife, but I am referring to cases where you may not be attracted at all to someone physically.