Today everything was going well, and I went to the bathroom to wash my hands, and I realized, my hot water was gone. The Boiler in my house stopped working. You know, for the last few months everything has been very bad for me. You can read my introduction thread if you're interested. Today was the worst day ever in my life.
Hot water was gone. My house has no insulation. I have not much money so I'm very careful how much electricity I use. One of my rooms is not heated at all. I keep only my bedroom warm.
Why I'm telling you this? No heating, no insulation, -25 degrees Celsius in the night outside, imagine how that feels. 1 meter of snow. You get the picture. It's insanely freezing cold.
So no more hot water, I had to wash the dishes with freezingly cold water, probably almost 0 degrees, at freezing temperatures in the room. It's so cold that condensations around the windows turned into ice. And it's already one week this way.
I also had to wash with ice cold water.
I got really sad, I started crying. My life is already ruined. Why suffer more? From sad I got really angry, and I started hitting everything I can see in one of the rooms. I hit the fridge so hard I made a huge bump. Those Karate classes made us human machines so I just trashed most of the stuff without my computers of course. I was just hitting doors, banged my head against the fridge, made a huge bump on it. I felt awful. I felt so much pressed against the corner.
My hands are all in slashes and cuts from the cold weather.
So it's really bad for me and the last thing I did I got the Bible, my ikone, it's very small thing with Jesus Christ printed on it and you pray on it, you know. I trashed it all. And then threw them out in the garbage can with some nasty looking garbage inside.
I continued to cry, hit whatever I can. And I cursed my mother to the end of times, to go in hell and forever live to endure the pain I endure right now. And then I cursed God to just stand by and watch, indifferently how good people are going destroyed by bad people. I again thought about suicide, I guess I'm too much of a coward that's why I didn't do it yet. And then I cursed him for the end of times. Yes, I cursed God for the end of times because he is just standing there, and I'm getting completely destroyed out here.
I don't care about my punishment really, this is way too much for me already.
My honest question is, because I could've just hid that, but instead I'm here sharing my story, so my question is, can I stay here if I'm not Christian?
I mean, I guess I'm not a real Christian if I cursed God until the end of times. And I cursed my oppressor (my mother who destroyed my life) to burn in hell forever. This makes me an angry, consumed by darkness and obviously still wanting revenge man.
But can I stay around? I know that my belief after today vanished. I pulled the Bible out from the garbage and cleaned it a little bit with water, but I did it only because it was my great-grandmother's book, she is long time dead now, and the book is printer in 1949. And my ikone I pulled out from the rubbish because it's actually quite old too. I bought it when I was a little kid, in 1999 I reckon, or something like that. It's old for me. But even after I pulled them from the rubbish, I don't think I really believe in anything now.
I believe that I should help men, and people, and animals, and nature. I believe that I should help and still do some good because I never wanted bad treatment from people. So when I don't want bad treatment myself, why do bad stuff to people? What if one of those men to whom I was doing something bad was something like me, thinking like me. So yeah, I will be the same person, with the difference I will probably die soon for cursing God to the end of times, and for not believing anymore. I won't do any good to the Devil too, I won't do bad stuff, but I guess I will keep it to myself. And not allow people like that around me. Never again.
Thanks for reading.
Hot water was gone. My house has no insulation. I have not much money so I'm very careful how much electricity I use. One of my rooms is not heated at all. I keep only my bedroom warm.
Why I'm telling you this? No heating, no insulation, -25 degrees Celsius in the night outside, imagine how that feels. 1 meter of snow. You get the picture. It's insanely freezing cold.
So no more hot water, I had to wash the dishes with freezingly cold water, probably almost 0 degrees, at freezing temperatures in the room. It's so cold that condensations around the windows turned into ice. And it's already one week this way.
I also had to wash with ice cold water.
I got really sad, I started crying. My life is already ruined. Why suffer more? From sad I got really angry, and I started hitting everything I can see in one of the rooms. I hit the fridge so hard I made a huge bump. Those Karate classes made us human machines so I just trashed most of the stuff without my computers of course. I was just hitting doors, banged my head against the fridge, made a huge bump on it. I felt awful. I felt so much pressed against the corner.
My hands are all in slashes and cuts from the cold weather.
So it's really bad for me and the last thing I did I got the Bible, my ikone, it's very small thing with Jesus Christ printed on it and you pray on it, you know. I trashed it all. And then threw them out in the garbage can with some nasty looking garbage inside.
I continued to cry, hit whatever I can. And I cursed my mother to the end of times, to go in hell and forever live to endure the pain I endure right now. And then I cursed God to just stand by and watch, indifferently how good people are going destroyed by bad people. I again thought about suicide, I guess I'm too much of a coward that's why I didn't do it yet. And then I cursed him for the end of times. Yes, I cursed God for the end of times because he is just standing there, and I'm getting completely destroyed out here.
I don't care about my punishment really, this is way too much for me already.
My honest question is, because I could've just hid that, but instead I'm here sharing my story, so my question is, can I stay here if I'm not Christian?
I mean, I guess I'm not a real Christian if I cursed God until the end of times. And I cursed my oppressor (my mother who destroyed my life) to burn in hell forever. This makes me an angry, consumed by darkness and obviously still wanting revenge man.
But can I stay around? I know that my belief after today vanished. I pulled the Bible out from the garbage and cleaned it a little bit with water, but I did it only because it was my great-grandmother's book, she is long time dead now, and the book is printer in 1949. And my ikone I pulled out from the rubbish because it's actually quite old too. I bought it when I was a little kid, in 1999 I reckon, or something like that. It's old for me. But even after I pulled them from the rubbish, I don't think I really believe in anything now.
I believe that I should help men, and people, and animals, and nature. I believe that I should help and still do some good because I never wanted bad treatment from people. So when I don't want bad treatment myself, why do bad stuff to people? What if one of those men to whom I was doing something bad was something like me, thinking like me. So yeah, I will be the same person, with the difference I will probably die soon for cursing God to the end of times, and for not believing anymore. I won't do any good to the Devil too, I won't do bad stuff, but I guess I will keep it to myself. And not allow people like that around me. Never again.
Thanks for reading.
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