Hi TW, I know exactly how you feel. But I do have a question. Why do you guys, or your hubby, have to see this woman so often? No way could I tolerate that. We moved halfway across the country so we wouldn't have to see her and also to start our own life out together.
The kids. We have them 50-75% of the time, we don't miss school events, sports events, things like that. I'll deal with her lunacy if it means we can be there with the kids and give them some sort of stability as, with us, they know we'll be there. With her... Not so much. Depends on if she's in "mom-of-the-year" mode or "I deserve things for myself" mode. As it stands, they can come and go easily, stay in the same school system, be local to what they know, and it's relatively non-disruptive. We thought about moving 2-3 hours away, but the simple fact is we'd be too far from the kids, too far from my parents (which is pretty much the only support we have, aside from friends, with our son), and, quite frankly, after having a fit, she'd probably move near us. Either we don't have the kids as much, or she moves and we are re-creating the same situation we have here, just somewhere we don't know and is far from my support network... Not worth it.
The other issue is that she works where he does. He can't find another job that pays him what he gets paid, along with the benefits (he's got 15 years in, 8 weeks of vacation, etc etc), and trust me, we've looked... And it'd be a shame to flush 15 years... It'd mean he's got 20 years and a promised retirement before he's 40. And she has no intention of leaving. She's in an invented position that requires no work, that puts her in an office next to my husband, with numerous built-in reasons to talk to him, and is so low-pressure that she brings the kids and hangs out there even when she's not working. She isn't career minded or upwardly mobile, so searching out something better career-wise isn't a priority as long as things work out for her like they are where she is now.
That all being said, only 15 years and the kids are grown up and we can move to Florida. But who's counting.
I think we do a good job making sure we have established a life of our own, there are just those weird overlap times where you're introduced as so-and-so's wife, but his ex-wife has already gone through and done the same... Then there's the awkward moment where you try to explain the situation without creating a problem, making her look as nuts as she is, or making the situation appear complicated. We do what we do and let the rest just fall away. We trust each other, and like I said, I'm not threatened by her at all. I just feel sad for her because I'm not sure how much of it she can help... She's just not quite all there. And we have hard stances on things that we just don't flex on and set some clear boundaries. He's told her no more texting after 8pm unless it's an emergency (a real emergency), no more "having the kids" call at all hours, 10 times in a row, we have clearly defined "us" time, and we're on the same page with everything even before it comes up.
Like last night, when I went to bed at like 8 because I was having a Lyme flare-up, she sent him a text at 9 or 10pm saying she wanted to come buy and get a check "for the kids" (we're deep in the midst of "I deserve things for myself" phase so the kids have been gone since Monday with their grandmother, we pick them up Friday, she hasn't seen them since last Friday and won't see them until this Sunday). She said that she had been out with her friends at a bar and wanted him to come out front when she came to give her the kid's school check at like 10:30. Her, probably drunk/tipsy, in her date night finest, alone with him in a parking lot at night? He knew that was 18 kinds of unnecessary and even though I wouldn't have a problem per say (I'd be irritated though) as I know it's not him, it's her and nothing would happen... But a respect for me, us, and a knowledge of how she is meant that we didn't have to pow-wow on it first, he just knew he should tell her to wait until Sunday.
It's just about communication and knowing what the limits are with how involved you want the ex to be in your life.