How to move forward after the divorce

[spr]

Also, if you believe he is really just an unbliever with a christian exterior, consider this scripture:

1Co 7:16 For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?

 

[TheyCallMeDave]

You should be seeking reconciliation. The only reason for separation is adultery or violence. It's better to be the wife of an irresponsible gambler, than to leave him and bank on a new husband. That bitterness toward him will hinder your relationship with God, and remember the scripture that says a wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives.

I think you meant to say the only reason for DIVORCE (not seperation) ... right ?

Adultery and Abandonment of the marriage are the two biblical justifications for a divorce...but , not that you have to --- its just optional. I think seperation is in good order for things like domestic abuse, gambling addiction that is cutting into the family money , inappropriate content addiction, and prolonged emotional distress , etc.. . The idea behind a seperation is to strategize how to reconcile the issue(s) for a well functioning marriage during the time apart , and counselling is always a necessity. Of course this assumes that BOTH Parties realize their own individual vices and are WILLING to turn from the vice for the sake of themselves , family, and their marriage. Sometimes One Party simply doesnt want to change nor feels they should have to change -- this compounds the problem greatly and delays or nullifys the wellbeing of the marriage.

MANY marriages end up with deep addictive behaviour of a Spouse that is detrimental to the marriage/family relationship , and i think these kinds of marriages can be completely avoided before saying 'I do' by absolutely refusing to marry someone who isnt healthy behaviorly , emotionally, and responsibility-wise. Other times, a Spouse will enter into an addiction during the marriage which blindsides the other Partner and Family members.

 

[Daysgirl]

You should be seeking reconciliation. The only reason for separation is adultery or violence. It's better to be the wife of an irresponsible gambler, than to leave him and bank on a new husband. That bitterness toward him will hinder your relationship with God, and remember the scripture that says a wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives.

So it's better to be the wife of an addicted gambler than to leave him and bank on a new husband?.... Let me just say that I am not looking for a new husband AT ALL. I can't imagine ALLOWING him to put his family second/third/last to his addiction any longer. Our son was 3 weeks old, and we were almost homeless because of his addiction. My best friend bought groceries to my house because of his addiction. My child's money was stolen from his piggy bank because of his addiction. My bank accounts were always overdrawn because of his addiction. I was the breadwinner, homemaker, cook, maid, landscaper (even while pregnant) because of his addiction. All the while, he accused me of trying to control him (his gambling buddies were his friends, and I was trying to keep him from hanging out with his friends), of being unfaithful (who had the time?), he micro-managed the bank accounts (I had to know the balance of our accounts on a daily basis - If we are not spending frivolously, why would there be any problems with the finances?), I was constantly making payment arrangements with debtors that he said he paid but didn't. We were consistently in marriage counseling and gamblers anonymous - to no avail. And while he was chronically unemployed, I maintained my job - and was the only one employed for much of the time.

He has lived with 3 women already - saying it's my fault. He has told his family that I am taking all of his money because of Child Support and Spousal Support so that they will loan him money. I did not request spousal support and he has not paid any child support. He is a liar.

Isn't a man called to honor his wife and provide for his family?

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her," Eph 5:25

"But if any man does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 1 Tim 5:8.

A Christian husband and father should set an example for his family. I will not accept that it is better to stay with an addicted gambler than to separate and divorce. Sad thing is, if while we were separated, he improved his life, and truly changed, I probably would have accepted him back. But I thank God for showing me who he really is during this time of separation.

 

[Daysgirl]

Also, if you believe he is really just an unbliever with a christian exterior, consider this scripture:

1Co 7:16 For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?

The Bible also says, "You will know them by their fruits" in Matthew 7. I believe I would have first hand knowledge of whether or not my husband produced any fruits to liken him to a believer.

 

[paul1149]

Unfortunately, Daysgirl, you are going to get advice from people armed with a Bible verse but no wisdom or compassion. Of course, God can do anything, but we have to use wisdom to discern the spirit of a matter and chart our course accordingly.

I would just encourage you to continue to center yourself in Jesus as you move forward. Make Him your everything. Dwell and revel in His peace and love. Keep in mind that His power is perfected in weakness. That will be a protection on your mind and emotions when it gets hard and you begin to hurt. Rest in the Holy Spirit's comforting embrace. In this manner you can turn what was a weapon formed against you into an asset, because anything that draws you into God is a plus. Practice contentment, but also keep an eye open for godly opportunity (right out of 1Cor 7, the chapter on marriage). And when you come out of this you will be like Job: "But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold." -Job 23:10

 

[wmpratt]

I have been separated since April 2012 and am awaiting divorce. I was married for 5 years. My husband is a compulsive gambler/addict. The amount of deception and lying that comes along with an addict need not be explained. Ive been nearly homeless, utilities disconnected, on the receiving end of charity, moved 3 times, all the while my husband had lost 12 jobs during the time we were together, took money from my sons piggy bank and he claimed to be a Christian. My husband and I were married within 6 months of meeting each other. I know now that this was an error on my part. We received pre-marriage counseling from his pastor - who is also his cousin. This so-called Man of God was in the middle of our marriage to the extent of being a crutch to my husband. there was no disagreement or argument that wasnt run by Pastor, cousin ***. When he "counseled" my husband not to tell me that he had gotten back into gambling I was done with him, his church, his advice.

Since my separation, my husband has not contributed financially to help care for our son even though I have obtained legal custody and established a child support order through the courts. I have access to his email still, and I have seen things I am shocked to know about the man I am married to. I had no idea who he really was/is. I am ashamed at my choice for a husband and I pray that he matures into a Godly father for the sake of our little boy.

I have not dated anyone nor do I have the desire to. I am afraid of the process of meeting someone, trusting them, believing them and finding out they are not who they claimed to be. As a Christian, I understand that I am still legally married. But I am also afraid of being paralyzed by fear - of never moving forward and of being alone for the rest of my life.

i am looking for advice on how to really move forward when the time comes.

thanks,

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']Divorce is one of those things in life that takes time. The problem is worse when you have children and you're stuck dealing with them. [/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'][/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']I've been divorced for 9 years. My ex decided she wanted to date other people while were still married. We tried the pastor thing but her mind was made up. I was left raising my son alone. [/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'][/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']All I can say is that at some point you'll start to feel normal again. As for dating, i never really went back to it. [/FONT]

 

[seeking Christ]

You should be seeking reconciliation. The only reason for separation is adultery or violence. It's better to be the wife of an irresponsible gambler, than to leave him and bank on a new husband. That bitterness toward him will hinder your relationship with God, and remember the scripture that says a wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives.

I'm sorry but doesn't Scripture also say that if the unbeliever wants to leave, let them leave? I don't recall that being followed up with "if they are abusive you must take them back."

We are called to Peace, not legalism

 

[seeking Christ]

thank God for showing me who he really is during this time of separation.

Sister, this is the only line from this long post you wrote that I take exception to. God did not show you who this man really is - HE did! Your (still, legally) husband made his own choices, and you know as well as I that they had nothing to do with the Holy Spirit, nor the Good Shepherd. If God had anything to do with it, he would've repented!

I am so sorry you have to go through this most difficult tragedy.

I don't see how God could want to burden you with this situation any longer. This man doesn't want to be your husband; he doesn't even want to be a Father to his own children!

The only counsel I have for you, is try to have compassion for his miserable condition, rather than harboring hatred. I don't see how said miserable condition can be seen as anything other than leprosy, spiritually; and you have already found out the hard way you are NOT immune to it! If the purpose of a trial separation is to see if both parties will take the steps necessary for a reconciliation to work - he has FAILED. He has rendered himself "dead" to his responsibility and roles as both husband and Father.

 

[Chaplain David]

I have been separated since April 2012 and am awaiting divorce. I was married for 5 years. My husband is a compulsive gambler/addict. The amount of deception and lying that comes along with an addict need not be explained. Ive been nearly homeless, utilities disconnected, on the receiving end of charity, moved 3 times, all the while my husband had lost 12 jobs during the time we were together, took money from my sons piggy bank and he claimed to be a Christian. My husband and I were married within 6 months of meeting each other. I know now that this was an error on my part. We received pre-marriage counseling from his pastor - who is also his cousin. This so-called Man of God was in the middle of our marriage to the extent of being a crutch to my husband. there was no disagreement or argument that wasnt run by Pastor, cousin ***. When he "counseled" my husband not to tell me that he had gotten back into gambling I was done with him, his church, his advice.

Since my separation, my husband has not contributed financially to help care for our son even though I have obtained legal custody and established a child support order through the courts. I have access to his email still, and I have seen things I am shocked to know about the man I am married to. I had no idea who he really was/is. I am ashamed at my choice for a husband and I pray that he matures into a Godly father for the sake of our little boy.

I have not dated anyone nor do I have the desire to. I am afraid of the process of meeting someone, trusting them, believing them and finding out they are not who they claimed to be. As a Christian, I understand that I am still legally married. But I am also afraid of being paralyzed by fear - of never moving forward and of being alone for the rest of my life.

i am looking for advice on how to really move forward when the time comes.

thanks,

Hello,

I am sorry your marriage is breaking up but understand the reasons behind it. I've read the entire thread through page 3 and pray some things for you. I hope you have or can find another church where you gain a supportive pastor and congregation. I hope that you reach out and get some personal counsel to help support you, work through this, and also forgiveness of your soon to be ex-husband. Your children may need some extra support right now too and you might want to involve them in family therapy. I hope every good thing for you, your children, and also your husband. It sounds like he is really wrapped up in his addiction and that affects everything in his life and so much of yours and those people he was close to. Please feel free to contact one of the forum chaplains or start a thread in the Ask a Chaplain forum. God bless you and know that He is with you now and will never leave you.

Faithfully,

 

[Daysgirl]

I thank you for your post, sacerdote. My current Pastor has advised that I pray for my (soon to be ex) husband. Especially at those times when he intentionally provokes me, when he is irresponsible as a father, when he purposely shirks his financial obligation as a parent. I pray that he becomes a Godly man. I pray that he becomes a good father. I pray that he becomes a provider. I even pray he becomes a Godly husband (for someone else). Praying for him instead of being consumed with anger and frustration has helped me tremendously. Just 2 days ago, I received notification that he actually sent money to child support enforcement - for the 1st time in months. Initially I was offended in that he sent in a whopping $20. Yes. Twenty dollars. While his intent could be meant as a slap in the face toward me; I saw it as... He was compelled to do SOMETHING. And God has provided me with the financial resources and discipline to take care of my family even back when he lived here with us. I am being deliberate in my attitude and willing myself to remain positive and comforted in Christ. I thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and advice.