How to move forward after the divorce

[Daysgirl]

I have been separated since April 2012 and am awaiting divorce. I was married for 5 years. My husband is a compulsive gambler/addict. The amount of deception and lying that comes along with an addict need not be explained. Ive been nearly homeless, utilities disconnected, on the receiving end of charity, moved 3 times, all the while my husband had lost 12 jobs during the time we were together, took money from my sons piggy bank and he claimed to be a Christian. My husband and I were married within 6 months of meeting each other. I know now that this was an error on my part. We received pre-marriage counseling from his pastor - who is also his cousin. This so-called Man of God was in the middle of our marriage to the extent of being a crutch to my husband. there was no disagreement or argument that wasnt run by Pastor, cousin ***. When he "counseled" my husband not to tell me that he had gotten back into gambling I was done with him, his church, his advice.

Since my separation, my husband has not contributed financially to help care for our son even though I have obtained legal custody and established a child support order through the courts. I have access to his email still, and I have seen things I am shocked to know about the man I am married to. I had no idea who he really was/is. I am ashamed at my choice for a husband and I pray that he matures into a Godly father for the sake of our little boy.

I have not dated anyone nor do I have the desire to. I am afraid of the process of meeting someone, trusting them, believing them and finding out they are not who they claimed to be. As a Christian, I understand that I am still legally married. But I am also afraid of being paralyzed by fear - of never moving forward and of being alone for the rest of my life.

i am looking for advice on how to really move forward when the time comes.

thanks,

 

[WayTooManyDaves]

I have been separated since April 2012 and am awaiting divorce. I was married for 5 years. My husband is a compulsive gambler/addict. The amount of deception and lying that comes along with an addict need not be explained. Ive been nearly homeless, utilities disconnected, on the receiving end of charity, moved 3 times, all the while my husband had lost 12 jobs during the time we were together, took money from my sons piggy bank and he claimed to be a Christian. My husband and I were married within 6 months of meeting each other. I know now that this was an error on my part. We received pre-marriage counseling from his pastor - who is also his cousin. This so-called Man of God was in the middle of our marriage to the extent of being a crutch to my husband. there was no disagreement or argument that wasnt run by Pastor, cousin ***. When he "counseled" my husband not to tell me that he had gotten back into gambling I was done with him, his church, his advice.

Since my separation, my husband has not contributed financially to help care for our son even though I have obtained legal custody and established a child support order through the courts. I have access to his email still, and I have seen things I am shocked to know about the man I am married to. I had no idea who he really was/is. I am ashamed at my choice for a husband and I pray that he matures into a Godly father for the sake of our little boy.

I have not dated anyone nor do I have the desire to. I am afraid of the process of meeting someone, trusting them, believing them and finding out they are not who they claimed to be. As a Christian, I understand that I am still legally married. But I am also afraid of being paralyzed by fear - of never moving forward and of being alone for the rest of my life.

i am looking for advice on how to really move forward when the time comes.

thanks,

I'm divorced, too. The best general-purpose advice I can give you is to avoid new relationships until you have healed, build your own world on your own terms, and wait on the Lord to show you when it's time for a new courtship (hint: it will be a while). I will add you to my prayers.

 

[Pal Handy]

I have been separated since April 2012 and am awaiting divorce. I was married for 5 years. My husband is a compulsive gambler/addict. The amount of deception and lying that comes along with an addict need not be explained. Ive been nearly homeless, utilities disconnected, on the receiving end of charity, moved 3 times, all the while my husband had lost 12 jobs during the time we were together, took money from my sons piggy bank and he claimed to be a Christian. My husband and I were married within 6 months of meeting each other. I know now that this was an error on my part. We received pre-marriage counseling from his pastor - who is also his cousin. This so-called Man of God was in the middle of our marriage to the extent of being a crutch to my husband. there was no disagreement or argument that wasnt run by Pastor, cousin ***. When he "counseled" my husband not to tell me that he had gotten back into gambling I was done with him, his church, his advice.

Since my separation, my husband has not contributed financially to help care for our son even though I have obtained legal custody and established a child support order through the courts. I have access to his email still, and I have seen things I am shocked to know about the man I am married to. I had no idea who he really was/is. I am ashamed at my choice for a husband and I pray that he matures into a Godly father for the sake of our little boy.

I have not dated anyone nor do I have the desire to. I am afraid of the process of meeting someone, trusting them, believing them and finding out they are not who they claimed to be. As a Christian, I understand that I am still legally married. But I am also afraid of being paralyzed by fear - of never moving forward and of being alone for the rest of my life.

i am looking for advice on how to really move forward when the time comes.

thanks,

At a time like this it is really important to focus on a renewed and
deeper relationship with your Heavenly Father through Jesus Christ.

The devil will try very hard to get you to blame Him by blaming those who where
supposed to be there for you and who were supposed to be following Christ.

People will fail you but God will never fail you if you will trust in Him
and not turn away and blame Him for the actions of those who say they
follow Christ.

By a man's actions will his heart be made know, not by his talk.

The enemy will bring doubt and fear into your life and have you question
God at a time when you really, really need Him.

This is a dangerous time for you because of all the betrayal and hurt so
it is a time when the devil will try very hard to get you to hate those who have betrayed you.

Christ tells us not to hate but to love even our enemies and to pray for them.

Loving our enemies does not mean we trust them or let them destroy us but
it means that in our heart we forgive them and give them to God and ask
Him to save them from the devil who has deceived them and has them
in bondage to sin.

If you want to go forward in God in a deeper relationship you must be
willing to forgive others as He forgives you.

Forgiving others is for our benefit.

As we forgive others we are set free from the bondage of hate and revenge
and are positioning ourselves for God to pour out His blessings on our lives.

I hope you will see the wisdom of God in His request for our letting go and letting
God have His way in our lives and the lives of those who have betrayed us.

I hope this help you...

 

[If Not For Grace]

The Truth is not always pretty. It sounds like you are on your own completely. This is not unusual. All you can do is put one foot in front of the other for you and your child. File the papers but expect no monetary support. People with addictions are not the poster children of responsibility. I have friends you did end up collecting child support MANY years later. This usually comes after the addict hits bottom and rebuilds their life and usually after a 2nd or 3rd marriage when they finally grow up. But Not all do.

What you can do is be pleased that you have realized the situation fairly early and taken the best course of action available to you. Look toward a career and changing churhes is definitely in order. A fresh start is scary, but can be exciting. You are now more seasoned and experienced in the real world of relationships.

While you are healing & grieving (there has been a loss) you can use your time to set some boundaries and criteria of what is acceptable (in general) and unacceptable in a relationship for you. Do not mistake being needed for being loved. Trust is earned not given. Make sure you surround yourself with people of character. This is especially important since you have a child.

Be gentle with yourself. Remember people who are addicts have a high IQ and a certain "skillset". Deceivers are good at what they do. They also set out for the big prize, there is no "fun/high" for them in seducing someone they see as their intelleuctual inferior. It's like fishing or hunting-they are after the prize. Some are not even conscienous of these traits-it's like breathing. Addiction defies logic so do not waste your time in wondering why or what if--..

You obviously have a good head on your shoulders-just continue to use it. Know that you will go through a roller coaster of emotions similiar to a widow with the termination of your marriage. Also know that it is not the end of the world. Work on being positive. Use affirmations and treat yourself well. If you had a physical injury you would allow yourself some leaway and time to heal. Emotional wounds need to be treated likewise. It will get better..your part is to keep moving forward. God will do His part. Prayers--Grace

 

[Daysgirl]

Thank you for your comments/advice. I have my ups and downs. Moments of confidence then moments of insecurity. I have had victories - where I have been able to discern my husbands continued lies or even seen through the "fog" of acquaintances (coworkers, friends of friends, etc) asking me out (to which i have declined). Then moments of weakness when I feel so incredibly lonely and I miss the companionship and the comfort of a relationship. I never imagined this would happen to my life. I married for what I thought was love. But knowing that i was deceived for 5 years - it has shaken me to the core. At this point, I feel that my friends and family are tired of hearing my sob story. I should be "over it" already. I just don't know how to. Even I get tired of it. However, I am still faced with it regularly because he does exercise somewhat consistent visitation with our son. And though I am not dating anyone nor have I gone out on a date since our separation, my husband stipulated that I would introduce him to anyone I planned to introduce to our son (if I were to get serious with anyone in the future). While that does seem like a "fair" and courteous thing to do, it makes me feel like he is still controlling me. In my earlier post I mentioned still having access to his emails. I have seen the correspondence between him and various women in his life. Past and present. I chose not to say anything because I didn't want to "tip my hand" on how I know things about him just in case I needed evidence of any sort in the future. I am thankful that he is no longer my problem. Can someone give me some scriptures to meditate on to help me with forgiveness, courage, and fighting loneliness?

 

[EugeneKoshanof]

Stand on your marriage, keep praying... God will transform it.
Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman is committing adultery. If a wife divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.

 

[EugeneKoshanof]

I'm divorced, too. The best general-purpose advice I can give you is to avoid new relationships until you have healed, build your own world on your own terms, and wait on the Lord to show you when it's time for a new courtship (hint: it will be a while). I will add you to my prayers.

Abba Father help us with our goal to leave a legacy of love. Infuse in us a love that endures long, a love that is patient & kind, a love that never envious nor boils over with jealousy, Infuse in us a love that is not boastful or vain glorious, that does not display it naughtily. A love that is not conceited, arrogant & inflate with pride. infuse in us a love that it not rude unmannerly & does not act becomingly. Your love in us who does not insist on its own rights, or its own way for it is not self- seeking, it is not touchy or fretful or resentful. God of love & peace empower us with a love that takes no account of evil done to us, that it pays no attention to a suffered wrong. Infuse in us with a love that does not rejoice at injustice & unrighteousness but rejoices when right & truth prevail. A love that bear up under anything & everything that comes, who is ever ready to believe the best of every person, Infuse us with a love that hope, endure all things under all circumstances without weakening. Help us to leave a legacy of love.

 

[EazyMack]

I am sorry you're going through this. I am also facing divorce. Separated for a little over a month so far. I like the advice above about staying away from relationships, building a life of your own, centering yourself in Christ. I know I'll struggle with wanting to be in a relationship again, but, I'll just remind myself of what happened last time I gave in to that feeling lol.

 

[Gottservant]

Divorce is never more than a higher calling, never less than a death penalty.

 

[EazyMack]

Hmm...

So if I get a divorce, the blood of Christ becomes worthless, and I can no longer serve a purpose in advancing God's Kingdom?

 

[BFine]

I think you should do yourself a big favor, cease accessing your husband's email.
You are legally separated and the divorce is pending-- reading his emails is only
keeping you stirred up emotionally and making it harder for you to move forward
in getting yourself some help and finding healing for all the pain and suffering
you have dealt with in your marriage.

Now is the time to get back into your own personal relationship with the Lord--
I would encourage you to start making the efforts to find a new church to attend,
you are in need of spiritual nourishment and fellowship with other believers.

The enemy (devil) will keep trying to make you stay away from church and
become estranged with the Lord.
Don't allow him to do that!

You are figuring things out now for yourself and but has it occurred to you that
your husband will always be "present" in your life because he is your son's father
and he has visitations with the child according to your post...

Your husband's addiction er, sins of idolatry and greed have him in a stronghold,
I don't know why his preacher cousin or anyone else "covered" for him but that was
the wrong thing to do.
You can't help an addict by "covering" up what he or she is doing wrong.

Just because he isn't sharing the same home with you and his child doesn't
mean that whatever is affecting your husband won't have an impact on
you, it does affect you and the child.

I found this out for myself when my first husband was doing all his con games
and lying to me about what he did with his pay check, his other women etc.

I thought that once he left/divorced me that would be the end of it-- oh how
wrong I was!
His actions did affect me even though I had no part in his wrong doings, I
found out that I was "guilty" by association.
This is how people around me saw and or thought of me.

I recall how neighbors acted towards me and I remember the cutting remarks
made about me being "his wife" and the insinuation that I benefitted from his
con games.
Some even said I made him do those things because I wanted to live good etc.

I know what it's like to start over with no money, no real friends and a major
load of debt being laid on me to pay since my ex was working a job but getting
paid "under the table"... thus all the bill collectors came after me!

I had the Lord and my mom on my side.
I trusted God to get me through all that junk back then and He did!
I kept growing in faith and staying close to Him.
(My mom is my biggest prayer warrior to this day!)

I know it's hard to start over but I know it is better to do it
with God's help than trying to do it on your own.

I don't recommend looking for someone else unless it's the Lord...
you are one of the walking wounded who is in need of God's tender
care-- seek Him and abide in Him above all else.

 

[Gottservant]

Divorce is never more than a higher calling, never less than a death penalty.

Hmm...

So if I get a divorce, the blood of Christ becomes worthless, and I can no longer serve a purpose in advancing God's Kingdom?

I assume your response is to my quote above.

What it means is, it doesn't really matter what you were divorced for, it can never be lorded over you for anything more than a purpose which is in someone's eyes, greater than what you previously recognized. Greater purpose, is not a burden, if you have a greater heart.

Second of all, it doesn't really matter how you think you can make amends, if someone has divorced you, to them it is as good as killing you, which spiritually is what they are doing. Being killed in the name of the law is not a problem, if you are diligent to carry it out. In other words, mourn the loss of your old identity, yes, but don't wait around for more punishment, as you will certainly get it.

You may not understand this even lengthier explanation, unless you think about it; what ever you do, be cautious about making glib statements about how extreme what I am saying sounds, divorce is already extreme, it doesn't take complaining about it to make it worse.

 

[Daysgirl]

I appreciate the additional explanation, Gottservant. I am the original poster and was not sure what your reply meant for me. I need to add that my husband was the one who ultimately left me and our home. It was a familiar game of manipulation that I had had enough of. I did not wish to reconcile. I realized that after he was out of money, he wanted to come back to me. You must know also, that our initial separation was right around tax return time. He received the tax refund and I never saw a dime of it. I was still in the family home with our child, and he never saw fit to help us financially even with a few thousand dollars in his pocket. And this was our 2nd separation. We had been in marriage counseling for the duration of our marriage. Marriage retreats, Marriage ministry classes with our church, couples counseling, Gamblers Anonymous, and we still had the same problems at year 5 as we did at year 1,2,3, and 4. There seemed to never be any growth. I do not wish to point the finger soley at my husband. I know it takes 2 people to make a marriage successful. It takes 2 people who are living for Christ. My husband, in my opinion, is not a true Christian. He has a form of Godliness, but My Father is not in him. If he did, he would have had some real remorse over the years for what he has put us through. He has had none. To this day, he blames me for his escapades. Saying he wouldn't be out (in the world doing what he's doing) if I would let him come home.

So, thank you for the explanation. I have tried to live my adult life as a Woman of God. And I do not wish to go through the remainder of my life with a Scarlet Letter, so to speak.

 

[WayTooManyDaves]

Thank you for your comments/advice. I have my ups and downs. Moments of confidence then moments of insecurity. I have had victories - where I have been able to discern my husbands continued lies or even seen through the "fog" of acquaintances (coworkers, friends of friends, etc) asking me out (to which i have declined). Then moments of weakness when I feel so incredibly lonely and I miss the companionship and the comfort of a relationship. I never imagined this would happen to my life. I married for what I thought was love. But knowing that i was deceived for 5 years - it has shaken me to the core. At this point, I feel that my friends and family are tired of hearing my sob story. I should be "over it" already. I just don't know how to. Even I get tired of it. However, I am still faced with it regularly because he does exercise somewhat consistent visitation with our son. And though I am not dating anyone nor have I gone out on a date since our separation, my husband stipulated that I would introduce him to anyone I planned to introduce to our son (if I were to get serious with anyone in the future). While that does seem like a "fair" and courteous thing to do, it makes me feel like he is still controlling me. In my earlier post I mentioned still having access to his emails. I have seen the correspondence between him and various women in his life. Past and present. I chose not to say anything because I didn't want to "tip my hand" on how I know things about him just in case I needed evidence of any sort in the future. I am thankful that he is no longer my problem. Can someone give me some scriptures to meditate on to help me with forgiveness, courage, and fighting loneliness?

OK, so add "controlling" to the list of your ex's faults. Don't let him do that. Seriously. Put your foot down. Make it transparently clear that he doesn't have a veto when it comes to your future relationships.

 

[Hospes]

Can someone give me some scriptures to meditate on to help me with forgiveness, courage, and fighting loneliness?

I find the Psalms many times have a psalmist that can help me sort out my heart and help me know how to respond to God. I suggest you look at Psalm 35 and think about which parts of David's words you can own for yourself in your specific circumstances. The parts you can identify with, pray to God using David's words as your guide.

 

[tturt]

Yes, sorry that you're going through this. I really am.

There's no need to tell him you're not going to run a person by him. You know, that would just get into another argument or discord and it may not be the only reason but he is being controlling. You could also respond with something like - I hear what you're saying and move on to the next topic.

Forgiving - I have to forgive because I really need to be forgiven. But I just can't forgive without The Holy Spirit's help. Scripture says to pray for them to be blessed. I admit I don't really mean it the first hundred times I pray it. It may not take that long for you. But as time passes, Yahweh changes me. I keep praying it until there's no hurt when that person's name or situation is brought back up.

Yes, I like many of the Psalms, too. Psa 145 for one.

 

[Aibrean]

Stand on your marriage, keep praying... God will transform it.
Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman is committing adultery. If a wife divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.

I'm sorry, but that man left the marriage. He committed adultery with his own earthly passions.

God can't transform a marriage if God is not the center of it. Just like the Holy Spirit can't change a stubborn heart.

 

[TheyCallMeDave]

I have been separated since April 2012 and am awaiting divorce. I was married for 5 years. My husband is a compulsive gambler/addict. The amount of deception and lying that comes along with an addict need not be explained. Ive been nearly homeless, utilities disconnected, on the receiving end of charity, moved 3 times, all the while my husband had lost 12 jobs during the time we were together, took money from my sons piggy bank and he claimed to be a Christian. My husband and I were married within 6 months of meeting each other. I know now that this was an error on my part. We received pre-marriage counseling from his pastor - who is also his cousin. This so-called Man of God was in the middle of our marriage to the extent of being a crutch to my husband. there was no disagreement or argument that wasnt run by Pastor, cousin ***. When he "counseled" my husband not to tell me that he had gotten back into gambling I was done with him, his church, his advice.

Since my separation, my husband has not contributed financially to help care for our son even though I have obtained legal custody and established a child support order through the courts. I have access to his email still, and I have seen things I am shocked to know about the man I am married to. I had no idea who he really was/is. I am ashamed at my choice for a husband and I pray that he matures into a Godly father for the sake of our little boy.

I have not dated anyone nor do I have the desire to. I am afraid of the process of meeting someone, trusting them, believing them and finding out they are not who they claimed to be. As a Christian, I understand that I am still legally married. But I am also afraid of being paralyzed by fear - of never moving forward and of being alone for the rest of my life.

i am looking for advice on how to really move forward when the time comes.

thanks,

So sad to hear of your plight., but, as one who has gone thru divorce...i can tell you that better days are coming . Right now you may feel down, lonely, without hope, without optimism for the future....but if you belong to Christ then you have a whole arsenal of things to help you to overcome this tragedy in your life.

The biggest suggestion i can make is to get into a Divorce Recovery Class , preferably a Christian based one at a large local church. You shouldnt have trouble finding one given the divorce rate today. This will help tremendously in rebuilding your life gradually. Dont expect your life to suddenly get better, for, these things take awhile and they have to work themselves out thru relying on Gods love and power in your life in addition to you cooperating in the healing process. But you need the support of others going thru the same thing right now. So dont delay in finding a Group for Divorce Recovery.

Secondly, i think what you have discovered is that it is so vital to objectively consider a potential marriage partner to see if they have any addictions, nuerosis , character problems, or damaged personality which makes for a very difficult marriage to someone like that. I know if you ever find a man who you are considering for marriage, that you will go very heavy on objective analysis so you truly learn from your past mistake. You need an objective CANNOT HAVE list already layed out before you start dating again so you can avoid early on, being with a wrong toxic person.

Finally, you need to resign to wanting whatever GOD WANTS for your life from this point forward. It may be for you to remain Single as a CHristian for the rest of your life , or, it may be for you to eventually get married again in later years to a Godly Man who takes his CHristian Walk seriously. Either way, in HIS will is our peace and fulfillment...not in our Will for what we *think we need. Dont ever fall into the pit of desperation being a Christian SIngle/Divorcee by thinking 'if you only had a man in your life youd be complete'....for....you are already complete in Christ . What you need as every other CHristian SIngle needs, is :

1. A good strong network of Christian Friends . Make these female only until you are emotionally healthy again from your divorce.

2. Belong to a Christian SIngles Ministry so you can continue to grow in the Lord as a Single and get encouragement from others. And to get some good wholesome fun in, too.

3. Do alot of introspection as to how YOU may have contributed to your marriage going downhill . Its common to always blame the other for everything, but, see if you can pinpoint some not so good habits that you got into with your marital relationship. Learn from them. Ask God for forgiveness for them, and, your ex-husband too.

4. Get as close to Christ as you possibly can because this is a great time for him to provide comfort and assurance that things will be fine , and for you to lean on him alot as your best Friend and Lord. Study your Bible, spend loads of time in praise and worship to him, possibly take on some serving or volunteering opportunity which will keep you busy and will help others who may be hurting someway.

5. Meet regularly with your Pastor or good trusted Female Friend who you can unload with . Listen to good Godly advice from seasoned Christians. Get a hold of some CD's about surviving a Divorce and get all you can out of them .

'This too shalt pass' .

God bless.

 

[anglozaxon]

I can't really offer much in the way of advice about recovery from this situation apart from to pray about it, but I would suggest that you make sure that you are financially separated from him, that there is no way he can embroil you in his finances (make sure he can't take out loans in your name or put up your property as security)and then leave you holding the can at the end.

 

[spr]

You should be seeking reconciliation. The only reason for separation is adultery or violence. It's better to be the wife of an irresponsible gambler, than to leave him and bank on a new husband. That bitterness toward him will hinder your relationship with God, and remember the scripture that says a wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives.