Prayer Request - DH just been arrested

[hijklmnop]

I don't want him to take the blame for it; I just don't know how to undo what I've already done.

I am willing to go back to the police and retract the allegation even if it means that I go to jail for having made the allegation in the first place. For me to go to jail for domestic violence, DH would have to press charges. If he does that, I'm more than willing to confess - heck, I've already tried to confess. But I can't make them lock me up for that if they don't want to. I've already told the police that I've been violent with him, and they said, in these exact words, "doesn't matter, doesn't make a difference". He has to make an allegation for anything I accuse myself of to count.

Peck, clearly what's done is done here. You guys were fighting, he pulled your hair and pushed you to the ground and pinned you down, and now he's answering to the legal consequences for those actions. HIS actions are HIS responsibility whether they were a REaction to you or not. It doesn't matter in the eyes of the law if you provoked him. He stepped over the line and what he did was domestic violence. He can sulk all he wants, but he is simply facing the legal consequence to getting physical with your wife.

Obviously you have anger management issues as well. Instead of trying to figure out a way to get yourself in jail somehow and your dh off scot-free somehow, why don't you switch gears and shift your attention to GETTING PROFESSIONAL HELP?!

I would like, and I've always wanted this and asked DH for this from about 3 months into our marriage, for us BOTH to get some help. I've never tried to "get away with" what I'm doing. But I'm not allowed to involve anyone else in the marriage. I'm not allowed to talk to anyone about what's going on, or what we're both doing to each other. Calling the police was the first time I'd ever involved anyone else, and I realise I picked the wrong people to involve.

No, you just let it go to the point where the only people who could help in the heat of the moment were the police. Calling them wasn't wrong, but not getting help earlier was a mistake. The only way to make things better now is to get help going forward. And what is this about not being allowed to talk to people? Is that under threat of violence from your h or do you just mean that he wants his privacy and doesn't want to get help with you? Because quite frankly, he cannot stop you from getting help for yourself, and that's what you need right now. Stop looking for his permission, consent and approval and do what you need to do to be a healthy adult, Whether you stay married or not, this is what you have to do in order to stop self-destructing and lashing out.

I don't care about who's more right and who's more wrong. I'll take the blame for any or all of it if it makes things better. I just want us to be working on the marriage instead of tearing each other apart.

This is all backwards. You're so desperate for him to want to be with you that you're prepared to do anything, right or wrong, truthful or not. You've already admitted to the police that the violence was mutual. You've done your part. Your h made his bed when he got violent with you; he needs to face that down. If he presses charges on you, you can face that down. But otherwise, don't go making crap up just to punish yourself in some dishonest way. You be responsible for yourself and let your husband be responsible for himself. And stop fixating on the marriage and start fixating on your need for professional help. Anything less at this point is a waste of time and will probably make the mess messier.

 

[DZoolander]

Maybe I am like a small child trying to play an adult game, and probably we shouldn't have gotten married when we clearly can't deal with it. But we're here now and making a real pig's ear of it, and I know I'm doing it all wrong, but I don't know how to do it better and until know, as long as I've been living at home with DH, I've never been able to ask anyone except for anonymously, online.

I don't care about who's more right and who's more wrong. I'll take the blame for any or all of it if it makes things better. I just want us to be working on the marriage instead of tearing each other apart.

Here's how you "do it better".

There's how you feel, and there's how you behave. They are mutually exclusive. You cannot really control how you feel - but you CAN control what you do.

Feel like choking him with a telephone cord? Feel like choking yourself with a telephone cord? Don't.

Feel like screaming at someone? Don't.

Feel like hitting someone? Don't.

Feel like fighting? Figure out how to have a reasonable discussion instead.

That's how you do a better job. Instead of focusing on how you feel, and letting how you feel determine what you do, make conscious choices about your behavior that you will not stray from no matter how you feel.

The only time that rule is broken is if how you feel becomes unbearable...and you feel that it will become virtually impossible to control your actions. At that point - you leave the relationship.

That's how you make things better.

Maybe you'll find that when the dynamics change and you're no longer reaching for things to throw, beat with or strangle with, that the tenor of the relationship changes and things become easier.

Maybe you'll find that once things become easier - that your feelings start falling more in line with how you're trying to behave and it really DOES become easier.

Maybe you'll find that this becomes a cycle of getting better - day by day.

Controlling your actions will have far greater influence over your circumstance - and in turn your feelings - than trying to address how you feel within an already toxic situation.

 

[dallasapple]

Peckaboo you have to change your "normal" ..to a 'new normal"..

There are alternative ways and CHOICES to what flies threw your head..simple things beleive it or not like just focussign on your BREATHING..

If you want to stop regrettign your actions start with simple steps to change them..that begis with your the way you think..

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

Feel like fighting? Figure out how to have a reasonable discussion instead.

The first step to that is give up "immediate gratification"..and realize the truth..my ability to reason at this point has been hijacked and REMOVE yoru self from the person..

When you 'feel like fightig' thats not goingot just come to a screeching hault that minute..it can take 30 mintues or 3 hours ..even days..then you go back after that to have a discussion instead..

sometimes even you have to agree you may not even be ABLE to discuss certain things..hopefully not forever..or over crucial matters but still..

Dallas

 

[LinkH]

Peckaboo,

Do you think your husband might be interested in talking about marriage and things men's forum on CF? Is CF a kind of safe place for you to post, something you don't want to share with your husband?

 

[dallasapple]

Peck, clearly what's done is done here. You guys were fighting, he pulled your hair and pushed you to the ground and pinned you down, and now he's answering to the legal consequences for those actions. HIS actions are HIS responsibility whether they were a REaction to you or not. It doesn't matter in the eyes of the law if you provoked him. He stepped over the line and what he did was domestic violence. He can sulk all he wants, but he is simply facing the legal consequence to getting physical with your wife.

Obviously you have anger management issues as well. Instead of trying to figure out a way to get yourself in jail somehow and your dh off scot-free somehow, why don't you switch gears and shift your attention to GETTING PROFESSIONAL HELP?!



No, you just let it go to the point where the only people who could help in the heat of the moment were the police. Calling them wasn't wrong, but not getting help earlier was a mistake. The only way to make things better now is to get help going forward. And what is this about not being allowed to talk to people? Is that under threat of violence from your h or do you just mean that he wants his privacy and doesn't want to get help with you? Because quite frankly, he cannot stop you from getting help for yourself, and that's what you need right now. Stop looking for his permission, consent and approval and do what you need to do to be a healthy adult, Whether you stay married or not, this is what you have to do in order to stop self-destructing and lashing out.




This is all backwards. You're so desperate for him to want to be with you that you're prepared to do anything, right or wrong, truthful or not. You've already admitted to the police that the violence was mutual. You've done your part. Your h made his bed when he got violent with you; he needs to face that down. If he presses charges on you, you can face that down. But otherwise, don't go making crap up just to punish yourself in some dishonest way. You be responsible for yourself and let your husband be responsible for himself. And stop fixating on the marriage and start fixating on your need for professional help. Anything less at this point is a waste of time and will probably make the mess messier.

I couldnt agree with this more WELL SAID..Peckaboo read this and soak it in is my advice..

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

Dallas, this isn't about "who is more guilty" or even "Who is the victim."

Yes I understang this Niffer but thanks for putting is so delicatley bluntly..

I got caught up in a debate that was innpapropriate I aplogize to Peckaboo..Peckaboo forgive me I will not allow myself to get sidetracked again...I just felt like it turned into YOU need to pay if hes gonna pay thing and thought that was wrong besides you have already told the truth and thats all you can do..(((HUGS)))

thanks Niff..

Dallas

 

[peckaboo]

Thank you for all these practical suggestions, EZoolander, Dreamer, Dallas, Link and others.

Dreamer, I think after you making the same suggestions on about three of my threads you might finally be getting through to me I do need to talk to DH at some point to figure out a longer-term plan. I left the house with 3 changes of clothes and my laptop, with a view only to giving him a day or two of space, not to a longer-term separation. So we need to make arrangements for us to be separated for a longer amount of time. I'll probably stay with my brother, so I'll need to arrange with DH for me to be contributing to my brother's rent (we have a joint bank account and joint budget), who gets to have our car, etc. I'll try to make contact with him to arrange those practical things, but not beg and grovel for the marriage or try to negotiate our staying together. I've gotten back in touch with the cousellor I'd been seeing at the start of our marriage to set up some more sessions with her. She doesn't specialise in anger management, but I'll see if she has any recommendations for anyone who does, or if she's willing to consel me anyway even though it's not her specialty. (She's not paid for her work, she's fully qualified but does this work free of charge as a missionary, so she's financially supported by a church somewhere. I also work for a mission, earning just above minumim wage, so I physically can't afford a counselor that you have to pay for. I tried that a few years agoand got into so much debt I ended up more stressed out than before I'd started, lol!)

(I've posted all that mostly because I know it will be hard for me to stick to. I know you guys don't know me in RL, but I think if I've told you all that that's what I'm going to do I'll be more likely to stick to it even if when I see him I feel bad for him..!)

DH does know that I want the marriage to succeed, that I'm willing to get help with it, and that whenever (if ever) he decides he wants to talk about things or work on things, that I'll welcome that action. But I'm not going to push for it anymore. He was so set on keeping anyone from finding out we were having problems, but now, so many more people are going to find out than if we'd just confided in one or two counsellors at the start There's not a lot that I can do about that.

Link, to answer your question, he does know about this forum and he knows that I post on it. I would be totally fine with him coming on here and posting too (would just have to change my username as it's a family nickname); I don't know if he would be interested. I would think, if that was something he wanted to do, he would take the initiative and go for it, as he's aware that the forum exists, and I've told him (without going into specifics) that I've received some very good, Godly advice here. He also knows that there are separate men's and women's forums that the opposite gender can't see. Who knows, maybe he already posts here, under some pseudonym, but I'd be very surprised. He's just not into asking for help or advice, at all.

 

[Romanseight2005]

It sounds like you are moving in the right direction Peckaboo! Good for you! I will be praying for you!

 

[c1ners]

*shakes head*
John 8:7


7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”

 

[JaneFW]

Luther, are you reading the OP's posts? That was a past event, not one that happened on the night she and her husband fought. "I think I've done worse things to him .." [past tense] I'm not minimizing what she did - but I think you need to read and understand that this was not recent, and that's why she's saying her memory is fuzzy. It didn't happen that night.

so once he grabbed my hair and smacked my head into the ground to calm me down. But I was trying to strangle him with a phone cord, so he was acting in self-defense

Past tense .. "once" .. and I'm not saying, if she did do it, that "once" is okay - I'm just trying to persuade you to read her posts properly, and get the right picture.

 

[peckaboo]

Luther, I sincerely appreciate your concern for my husband - that's not a sarcastic comment. Lots of the other men on the forum know that I've often thanked them for seeing - and reminding me of - his side of the story at times when I'm only seeing my own selfish ends. I think you're entirely right to feel angry and upset about the things I've done to him - I'm pretty sure God feels angry and upset about it, too.

In case you think I'm trying to paint myself in a positive light by "changing my story" to say that I was wrapping the phone cord around my own neck (which was a separate incident about 7 months ago), I'll be completely honest. I've bitten him hard enough to draw blood. I've scratched his face hard enough to draw blood. I've hit him and slapped him and pulled his hair. I've called him horrible, horrible names and been disrespectful to him in public. Do you still think I'm trying to earn people's sympathy or show myself to be some kind of victim? To be competely clear, I have never wrapped or attempted to wrap a phone cord around his neck, or to murder him in any other way. But, for the record, I don't think it makes a jot of difference that I haven't done that, because I've done a whole bunch of other equally awful things.

Incidentally, the argument involving the phone cord was the same occasion that he grabbed my head by my hair and slammed it into our tiled floor. And I didn't call the police for my "ouchie" at that time because I believed rightly or wrongly that he was trying to protect me from killing myself. Accuse me of any and all of the things I've done, and I'll accept that, but don't accuse me of things that I haven't.

I'd like to ask you what you suggest I do to make it right, if the things I'm doing are being too lenient with myself. I've told the police that I've been violent with my husband, and they said it didn't matter to them. I've told them that he was acting in self defence. That didn't matter to them either. I've told my husband that, in order for it to matter (to the police), he has to make an allegation. There's no court case in which I can testify in his favour, or refuse to testify at all. Except for DH to make a counter-allegation against me, which I can't force him to do, there is no way for me to set the record straight in the eyes of the law, except to tell the police I fabricated the whole story, which isn't true either. The night he got arrested I went to all the local police stations, and there are alot of them - we don't live in a nice area! - to try to find the officer that had arrested him and set the record straight. When I found the station where he was being held, I reiterated everything to the officer on duty there, and said that the police didn't know the full story, but he said, again, that DH would have to make an allegation for my "confession" to count for anything. If my current response is the wrong one what would you say I should do? (And that's not a rhetorical question; I have a lot of respect for you, I think your head's screwed on a lot better than mine is, and if you have some advice I would welcome it.)

Unless you have any other suggestions, all I can do (for him) right now is let him live the rest of his life and not force a marriage on him that he doesn't want.

 

[LadyOfMystery]

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[BigDaddy4]

Peck- I believe you have done all that is necessary from a legal standpoint in this last encounter. You have not shied away from your actions or responsibilities as a result of your actions. You have seperated from your husband, and that is good, too.

Please, continue to focus on your issues and getting the help you so desperately need for YOU. Except for the logistical stuff, you can't worry about your hubby, either. When he sees you improving your behaviors and reactions to healthy ones, then maybe he will follow. Maybe not, though. And that's his choice.

Many of us on here are praying for you.

 

[mkgal1]

I second what Dallas said.

As far as counseling goes....did you see the number Athene had posted earlier....that may be an excellent resource for you:

Please please please call Woman's Aid on 0808 2000 247

 

[twob4me]

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Thread is closed for staff review and a cooling off period.

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Update: Since this thread was a prayer request for a specific situation, which has now changed, it will remain closed.
If you wish to discuss the issues raised more generally, please start a new thread to do so.
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