Should you kiss or not before marriage?

[CounselorForChrist]

My fiacne told me shes against kissing before marriage. I am not sure how to approach this with her. Its not a sin in the bible to kiss. I do realize it can lead to other tempting things. But it doesn't mean you should avoid it. I might go out of the house and be tempted by any number of things, but I still go out. I love being romantic, which means I love kissing.

And since she lives far in another country it could mean 7 years at the most before we marry and finally get to kiss. I am not sure how I feel about that. I respect her opinion but at the same time its not fair when your in a relationship. I could tell her no hugs, gifts or anything of that nature because it might make her happy and tempted to do other things. But obviously that would not be fair to her and have no biblical merit.

So what should I do? Should I even say anything to her about it or just let it go? I won't leave her over something so petty but it still bugs me a bit.

 

[LinkH]

You should be thrilled to have a woman agree to marry you who is virtuous enough to save even her lips for her husband at marriage, assuming that's the case. Respect her conscience. If it is a sin against her conscience to kiss you, then it is a sin against God for her to do so. You do not want to cause her to stumble into sin by pressuring her to sin against her conscience. (See Romans 14, I Corinthians 8.) Even if you consider it to be legalistic, you should still respect her conscience.

My wife and I were virgins at marriage. We did kiss, though. I wish we both could have said we hadn't had a romantic kiss before marriage. (Grandma kissing on the cheek doesn't count.) But it doesn't matter that much.

Don't expect that your wife will be a great kisser if she's never kissed before. By the time you get married, there will be all kinds of affection you can show, so that may not matter much.

 

[iambren]

Kiss, maybe a little petting if you can stay pure.

 

[Humble Pie]

I knew a pentecostal woman who wouldn't let her fiance kiss her because it aroused lust. Talk about over the top. There is no way I could refrain from kissing my fiance (if I had one).

 

[LinkH]

Kiss, maybe a little petting if you can stay pure.

Petting is not pure. Stop corrupting the youth.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

After thinking about it for awhile I am not going to complain about it. If anything people are right. Shes a very virtuous woman and I like that. We both have made mistakes in the past with our first loves, we had sex with them. Now we both vow to never have sex before marriage and in this case no kissing either. However if she lets me I will hold her hand and kiss it.

Also lets face it, it will make the honeymoon even better having held back such urges. Praise God for giving me a godly women like I always wanted.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

Also lets face it, it will make the honeymoon even better having held back such urges. Praise God for giving me a godly women like I always wanted.

Actually, it will probably make it more awkward and difficult.

Remember that the first few times having sex really isn't all that enjoyable, especially for females. Add never having been kissed to that equation and you've got an interesting (and probably comical) situation on your hands. It would be like watching Mr. Bean.

 

[Humble Pie]

I think it's sweet (for u 2)

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Yeah I think the kissing part for her might be akward. SHes only been with one guy and only kissed once. We each have had sex before, er with someone else when we were young and stupid lol. THank goodness I am well studied on the subject of sex. ^.^

And anyways sex is a beautiful thing to connect two people ITs worth waiting for!

 

[LinkH]

Now we both vow to never have sex before marriage and in this case no kissing either. However if she lets me I will hold her hand and kiss it.

If she has made a vow, respect that. If you are not married, you have no authority to abrogate her vow yet.

 

[iambren]

Just make sure she's not going to be beyond the wedding and all of a sudden...OOPS...Sorry, husband, I guess I don't like sex that much after all!

Happens more than you know.

 

[Vanderhaust]

I don't want to be accused of being an immoral atheist so I will only tell you to follow your heart.

 

[LinkH]

Just make sure she's not going to be beyond the wedding and all of a sudden...OOPS...Sorry, husband, I guess I don't like sex that much after all!

Happens more than you know.

How do you advise going about doing this? Do you say, "when I get married, I expect to have sex X times per week/month/year. What do you think about that?" When would you say it? Early on so you can break it off without too much heartbreak, or later when the nearness to marriage justifies disclosing some of this information?

Or better yet do the patriarchal thing and run the idea by her dad.

 

[iambren]

You do it by having affection before the wedding. The courtship is not just a "get-to-know-you" period but the beginning of a wholely -relating lifestyle for LIFE. Sexuality does not start at the altar, rather when they first lay eyes on each other. It's not a black/white sequence but a graduated increase of closeness, touching, affection that culminates in the ultimate of trust, promise, and embrace at the wedding day.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Yeah I'm use to showing some affection before the marraige. Just simple kisses, hugs, holding hands. Its kinda weird not to do that. But I will respect it.

Now...if there was no sex once marraige started. I don't know how I would react. I mean obviously I am not marrying her for sex since the process of being with her will take a few years. But no sex in marraige is one of those things that commonly kills off a marraige. And being someone who shows my love through romance I don't know what I would do. I guess we would see a couneslor about that if that were the case. I know shes all for sex though once married, thats what she told me. lol

 

[proverbswisdom]

@xfrekaoidx

You can find out by flirting with her. You are already engaged so talking about the excitement of being sexual with each other once you are married should excite her. If it doesn't she either feels guilt for it thinking it's somehow wrong, she's not into you in particular, she has a problem with her sex drive, or she is has a psychological or emotional issue about sex. In other words, she should be excited about being with you on your wedding night. If she's not excited that should send up a big red flag.

If you're going to wait a long time for her, better find out what's going on here. It wouldn't be fair to you to invest that much if you weren't going to be loved sexually in your marriage. It's not wrong to want that, in fact it's a desire God wants you to have.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

She seems to hint that we when we are married we will enjoy ourselves. But not until then. So I think she has a sex drive. I am guessing the reason she doesn't even want to kiss is because she made a mistake with the last guy. If thats the case I understand because I did the same with my first love. I know when we talk online I give her kisses, hugs, snuggles...etc.

 

[A2597]

My fiacne told me shes against kissing before marriage. I am not sure how to approach this with her. Its not a sin in the bible to kiss. I do realize it can lead to other tempting things. But it doesn't mean you should avoid it. I might go out of the house and be tempted by any number of things, but I still go out. I love being romantic, which means I love kissing.

And since she lives far in another country it could mean 7 years at the most before we marry and finally get to kiss. I am not sure how I feel about that. I respect her opinion but at the same time its not fair when your in a relationship. I could tell her no hugs, gifts or anything of that nature because it might make her happy and tempted to do other things. But obviously that would not be fair to her and have no biblical merit.

So what should I do? Should I even say anything to her about it or just let it go? I won't leave her over something so petty but it still bugs me a bit.

My fiance and I are saving our first kiss for after we are married, and it has been a very good thing in our relationship. When I first told her that I wanted my next kiss to be at the alter, she was a little surprised (we had never kissed, but I had in a previous relationship), but over time she started to see the benefits of doing a courtship in this manner, and it has been a difficult (especially after engagement) but good thing for us.

That said, your example is unfair, there is a big difference between kissing, and giving a gift. It sounds to me like your primary love language is physical touch and that is part of why this is so important to you. That being the case...I say that's an even better reason to hold off on that kiss.

Not kissing doesn't mean she doesn't care for you, or love you, it means that she has chosen to save herself for her husband. Doublecheck your own motives for wanting a kiss, and check your love language. If it is physical touch as I assume, she'll need to put extra effort into your secondary love language until you are married.

Also, SEVEN YEARS?!? Good grief! If you are serious about this, do whatever it takes to shorten that time... (I'm a big proponent of short engagements, mine is 8 months, and that's about 4 months too long IMHO!)

 

[Itagaki]

I could never be with somebody who didn't believe in pre-marital kissing. What are we, afraid of cooties, or what? The bible even says, "Greet one another with holy KISS"! People go a little too far with their witch-hunts and sin-finding.

 

[LinkH]

I could never be with somebody who didn't believe in pre-marital kissing. What are we, afraid of cooties, or what? The bible even says, "Greet one another with holy KISS"! People go a little too far with their witch-hunts and sin-finding.

If you are not married and it is on the lips, is that the holy kiss? What if tongue is involved?