Hello and greetings greetings, Cassielaven...hey how goes life? I hope it's been improving...double-amen indeedy I do do do, I do oh YES YES YESSSSS Iiiii DDOOO!!
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I feel for your difficulties, immensely. I especially feel for the difficulty you're going through of wanting so much to have a closer relationship with God (I'll call it a friendship with God) and to really know and, just, oh wow, FFEEEELLL it all over through and through inside, just like you've said you can see this in people you know. Those traits or behaviors you mentioned - speaking in tongues, being overwhelmed, screaming and shouting -- yes those are signs, or most likely anyway. Sometimes it's just really overly-active enthusiasm being dramatized, but usually (and I emphasize "usually"), it is exactly because of being filled with the Spirit that causes the enthusiasm and just lights it up on fire. It saddens me to see such a misunderstanding of this, but the simplicity of its essence is that joy of the Lord and joy of life that comes from God. What happens to it and how it is expressed from that simple essence and power, depends on the person...and sometimes the pastor and church.
But very high levels of that enthusiasm are in no way bad or outlandish. The awesome majestic vastness and glory in God's power and the joyful enthusiasm He wants us to feel in life and for life, is truly amazing and majestic. And quite frankly, my own belief is that out there in the realm of day-to-day life at work and the grocery store and driving down the road and etc. etc., it's usually necessary to not let out all that bubbly enthusiasm. But in a church...oohhhh mmyyyy now that's a whole different story. Even having said that, I still believe there are some churches and services that go overboard, but only in how it just has that "obvious sound and feel" of being hyped up and dramatized by some of the humans involved. But the essence and glory and majesty and power of that joyful enthusiasm that comes from God, is so utterly pure and beautiful and holy, that if it could be painted white as it came out of peoples' mouths, even the slightest speck of dust would show on it, and it would make the walls and air molecules shine too brightly for our human eyes to look upon.
Other manifestations such as being overwhelmed, bodily jerkings, so-called "fainting," can all be called forms of being Slain In The Spirit (I capitalize it because it's a descriptive phrase of a specific event authored by the Creator of the universe inside of a person He loves). This is a normal average regular part of the majesty and glory and power of God, all in the spirit and purpose of His love for us as people. It's for the physical body and physical mind to be overwhelmed and overpowered by the awesomeness of who and what He is, so that we may feel and know more of the presence and mind of God so that it will continue from those moments into regular day-to-day life tomorrow and the next day in whatever regard and purpose it has for the person at that particular time. Sometimes it is for a specific meaning and purpose, and sometimes it is overall and in-general simply for just "more of God" than what the person had before.
When there is doubt about God's love and goodness, or frustration or anger or daily ongoing sadness or depression and such from life events like what you described in those tragedies, it is exactly that kind of sprituality and mentality going on inside that blocks out that free openness that God can move through to bestow in you, the enthusiasm and joy and happiness of life. So perhaps you are right about what has been so far (I emphasize "so far"), because there is certainly nothing wrong with seeing in others that which comes from God, and knowing and feeling inside yourself that something is missing and very wrong. That is, in fact, one perfect example of how God uses other people to minister Himself unto you. This wondering and contemplation you have is a blessing -- "a revealing" if you will -- intended to energize and enliven the yearning and conviction and courage to go for it. It is indeed a beautiful example of the right and good kind of "coveting."
Not knowing what Bible verses you've been mulling over in your ordeal, I offer this one as encouragement....
1 Corin 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
For your situation, I would venture to say the "temptation" would pertain to being peeved at God, or maybe just doubting His goodness and love...or maybe even your own self, self-worth and self-esteem, that kind of thing. My thought in sharing this verse though, is the immense difficulties as those tragedies just kept on a-coming like a really bad yucky Energizer Bunny, where what I was thinking of as the "common" part, is that many people experience tragedies. Granted, some peoples' tragedies are more often and harsher than other peoples', but the commonness still exists. Although I know full well that tragedies being common doesn't make the burden itself inside you any less difficult...it is, however, meant to give a vision and hope of supportiveness and not being alone and, say, "targeted by God," in some twisted perverse way, as some people think that God targets them for misery out of hate's sake.
I will add one more thing to this though, because sometimes the results of those tragedies are not at all common, as what you described with the sheet and evil laugh and the occasional "second mind." Demonic manifestations and mentally-direct demonic influences are real...very...I know all too well from many experiences of helping friends through demonic possessions and being with them through horrific experiences (some of them with objects and also mirrors), as well as some of what could be called "less severe" things. I say this only to mean again, that I feel for you hugely immensely and my thoughts are with you because yes oh yes indeedy, demons and alive evil are real and mega-serious, and can make it hell to deal with day-to-day life (no pun intended). They need not be feared though, as long as there is faith towards Jesus which you exercised when the feeling and manifestation went away. Not feared, but also not ignored and not drawn away from in the sense of avoidance. Confronted, faced, and defeated...that's the ticket. But then the understanding and clarity of why and how they happen, is vital for their defeat.
Know this: someone who is young and with neither, strong roots nor deep roots, but also "on the virge" of spiritual success and closeness with God as you are, while also dealing with tragedies and issues which cause distance to happen from God (thereby creating the yucky life-uncertain feelings inside), is someone with a mix that is perfect to Satan to try to ruin and devastate. I emphasize the word "try" because that's the boundary line between either of success or failure. And guess whose power and place of permission it is for determining that outcome? Yours...now ain't that just way way totally awesomely ccooollllll <*big huge ssmmiilleeeeee*> God's supernatural power, yes of course...but your place of permission and authority to choose for yourself as your own person to let God do what He mightily can....that is, as you grow in the understanding, and desire and yearning, and clarity.
Also, I have one other thought but perhaps you've already contemplated this in your striving, or brought on by the message posts here already: do you have any unforgiveness towards God? Even if not, simply reflecting upon it in that way if you haven't already, can be hugely immensely helpful as additional perspective and appreciation of the processes inside.
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And now to the main meat of my message posting to you, hoping greatly that this will help hugely wonderfully immensely in your quest of having more of God and being closer with Him in friendship and fellowship. The power and beauty and specialness in these verses has been absolutely wonderful for me.
How little the term "child of God" is truly contemplated and reflected on to grasp and really FEEL its majestic depth with relation to what is supposed to be never-ending learning and expanding and transforming into more and more of the new man as the old man is put away. It is this childlike attitude and mentality towards God and this awesomely wonderful thing called L-I-F-E, which opens the door to more and more keys of more and more doors of the Kingdom Of Heaven. There's too much attention on only the beginning of becoming a Christian in where this childlikeness pertains, because it is supposed to persist through one's entire life. This is not the opposite of putting away childish things as we grow and mature, and it isn't the opposite of moving on from baby's milk to the more meatish things of God's Word. It is this childlikeness which is a type of door for keeping alive the joy and happiness and enthusiasm of being a person and just being alive with Jesus at one's side and center. But with relation to learning and absorbing more of God's truth, it is the childlike attitude and mentality which keeps the door of learning open to Him who is our Father and Teacher, always wanting and desiring more. Like water and food that surpasses all value and worth of physical food.
It is this childlike humbleness that should stay alive in the heart and mind while you go through your day, because then during life's daily circumstances, the openness remains for God's food of clarity and comprehension and insight to happen, as well as the water of refreshing drink for the harder stressful circumstances. Which, many times, also translates into understanding and/or forgiveness and/or patience for stuff regarding other people on the road as we drive or at work or at a store or wherever else you'd go. Keep the childlike humbleness towards God alive and working through the day, each hour and each minute, and you'll find that this "praying without ceasing" really does have a different kind of meaning than being on your knees beside your bed or in a church pew or folding your hands at the table or whatever else, because that's essentially what it is: a prayerful humble heart throughout the day towards God. To pray without ceasing...such an awesomely powerful concept.
Which, by the way, will keep you always drawn near unto God, which of course will keep the enemy fleeing far far away. Well, mostly anyway, because of course there are the difficulties and such that are just a part of life's testings and growth times......but you know what I mean.
The adultish attitudes of the world of already knowing the truth and no I don't have to care about yet more real sensitivity or caring unto real truth than I already have, are the attitudes which will be brought to naught and burned in the refiner's fire, and in fact they already are because they do not result in true wisdom or comprehension or clarity. Even churches and Christians which have adultish attitudes for various aspects of truth and the Bible. Never ever let that happen to yourself, to let yourself have an adultish mindset of not needing to learn or understand any more about something, because even when a truth's fullness is in your mind in certain ways, there will always always be *something* about it that is yet to be learned and understood, always *something* for you personally that will be a washing and watering unto more of the new man of Christ being resurrected within for yourself as a person.
(Matt 18:3-4) And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. [4] Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
Matt 19:14 But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.
(Luke 9:48) And said unto them, Whosoever shall receive this child in my name receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me receiveth him that sent me: for he that is least among you all, the same shall be great.
(Psa 10:17) LORD, thou hast heard the desire of the humble: thou wilt prepare their heart, thou wilt cause thine ear to hear:
(Prov 12:15) The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.
(Prov 15:8) The sacrifice of the wicked is an abomination to the LORD: but the prayer of the upright is his delight.
(Isa 57:15) For thus saith the high and lofty One that inhabiteth eternity, whose name is Holy; I dwell in the high and holy place, with him also that is of a contrite and humble spirit, to revive the spirit of the humble, and to revive the heart of the contrite ones.
(Luke 14:11) For whosoever exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.
(James 4:10) Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.
(Psa 22:26) The meek shall eat and be satisfied: they shall praise the LORD that seek him: your heart shall live for ever.
(Psa 25:9) The meek will he guide in judgment: and the meek will he teach his way.
(Psa 69:32) The humble shall see this, and be glad: and your heart shall live that seek God.
(Psa 86:1) A Prayer of David. Bow down thine ear, O LORD, hear me: for I am poor and needy.
(Psa 138:6) Though the LORD be high, yet hath he respect unto the lowly: but the proud he knoweth afar off.
(Psa 149:4) For the LORD taketh pleasure in his people: he will beautify the meek with salvation.
(Prov 3:34) Surely he scorneth the scorners: but he giveth grace unto the lowly.
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......and this is continued in the 2nd posting....
