What Does the Bible Say About Sleeping in the Same Bed Before Marriage?

[ttaylor]

A few months ago I started what I see as my first serious relationship. This is the first time that I can see my girlfriend turning into my wife. We've talked about the fact that we can both see this moving towards marraige, but we have a long distance relationship. I go to the US Military Academy in New York, and I can't be with her very much because she goes to school in Florida and has a job. Over our mutual spring break we spent as much time as we could together, including sleeping in the same bed. Most of our best discussions happenned before we would go to sleep.

We've discussed the fact that we aren't going to have sex before marraige, and also the fact that we won't hide anything that we do from our parents. When her parents asked her where I was sleeping, we were honest about it, and the discussion that followed led her (well, led us, but I don't much enjoy it) to believe that we shouldn't share a bed because of the image that it portrays to other people that won't believe that we're not having sex. As a result of this new opinion, I slept alone for the last few days of the break.

I truly believe that the both of us will be able to show the restraint to not have sex until we're married and I've read the scriptures about removing yourself from temptation (proverbs 6:27- Can a man scoop a flame into his lap and not have his clothes catch on fire?). I think that temptation is different to different people, and I can see why others should be encouraged not to sleep in the same bed, especially if they haven't discussed premarital sex. Because while I probably couldn't put fire in my lap without being burned, I am able to sleep with my girlfriend without having sex. I also believe that it's out of our hands whether or not people will think that we're having sex, because people are judgemental.

Does anyone have any arguments for or against sleeping in the same bed, or possibly have a personal experience that would support either side of the argument?

 

[gzt]

I think you should not sleep in the same bed. While you're not having sex, it's still a level of intimacy that is probably not wise to indulge in outside of marriage. I realize that it's hard to come up with a strict rule and you can start pushing back (what about napping on the couch? lying down and staying awake? "everything but"? etc etc etc) in an absurd way. But I don't think following this rule will lead you astray, nor do I think it's a terrible burden, while breaking it could lead to bad things. There isn't much reason to break it and plenty of reasons not to.

One tangent: something research has shown is that a lot of our decisions are strongly correlated with what our friends and peers are doing. If all your friends are having sex, you're more likely to have sex - and vice versa. I wouldn't want to imply causation, but this is another weak reason not to engage in "scandalous" behavior - it might make a Christian friend discouraged because even you are sleeping with your girlfriend - because he presumes that means sex. But this is a weak reason.

 

[ttaylor]

Its a depressing realization that this is probably the best way to conduct ourselves, but I would feel better about depriving us of something that was so good for our relationship if I knew that the reasons were rooted in the Bible instead of society's view on what we might be doing.

 

[gzt]

The Bible mentions few realities of modern life directly. The whole notion of dating somebody for a while would be foreign to that society - expression of interest with engagement and marriage following soon after. Until this last century, doing what you did would likely result in a shotgun wedding even without sex. If you're going to talk about "good for your relationship", whatever that actually means, sexual intercourse is "good" for it. I mean, it's what cements the bond of marriage, definitely a plus for the relationship. The primary reason, again, is not what society thinks, but the fact that this is quite intimate and some levels of intimacy really should be reserved for marriage.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

My husband and I were in a long distance relationship before we were married. We usually slept in seperate beds, either in seperate rooms or the same room. I think we did share a bed maybe a few times, though -- like one time I remember pushing our beds together because we were sad about me leaving the next morning and just wanted to hold each other all night (we were pretty depressed). We were able to wait until after we were married for sex and other sexual activities. I don't necessarily think sharing a bed is a good idea, though -- it can be done but it can look bad to others and it can be more tempting.

 

[The Nihilist]

I sleep much better with my special lady than I do alone, whether we have sex or not. If that's true for you, then I suppose that's a good enough reason to do it.

 

[mclordsbutterfly]

wow, i havent thought of some of the things that people mentioned, but obviously now i am... i would have been one to wanted to share a bed now and then, and i know where i stand on the sex approach also... however, sigh. but i myself am leaning towards the not sleeping in the bed together. wow... how thoughts can change.

 

[iambren]

I'm more concerned about this statement:


"I am able to sleep with my girlfriend without having sex."


If that is true I would advise you to find another woman that tempts you more. In eventual-marriage a strong attraction is very important!


BTW I think the parents excuse as it is a bad example is lame. What do the people there care where you sleep?

 

[Melethiel]

I've slept in the same bed with my fiance a few times - mostly when travelling, sometimes, like Melissa said, when we were depressed. We haven't had sex yet, and it's not because of a lack of attraction, but because we've decided we're not going to do it until we're married. It depends on your self control.

While image does matter, I would also wonder why people even know whether you are sleeping in the same bed or not...

 

[The Nihilist]

I'm more concerned about this statement:


"I am able to sleep with my girlfriend without having sex."


If that is true I would advise you to find another woman that tempts you more. In eventual-marriage a strong attraction is very important!


BTW I think the parents excuse as it is a bad example is lame. What do the people there care where you sleep?

Well, that's... unusual advice.

 

[ttaylor]

I'm more concerned about this statement:


"I am able to sleep with my girlfriend without having sex."


If that is true I would advise you to find another woman that tempts you more. In eventual-marriage a strong attraction is very important!


BTW I think the parents excuse as it is a bad example is lame. What do the people there care where you sleep?

I can assure you that I'm very attracted to this girl, and at the risk of sounding like a naive kid, I'm in love with her. All of the people that I've spoken to, and sources that I've read speak of the ability to resist gratification as a quality that is helpful to successful relationships.

Also, while I would rather have an excuse rooted in scripture, I very much respect the view expressed by her parents. We are able to sleep together without having sex, but in the future if we are sought out by a young couple facing a similar issue it will be easier for us to tell them that we did not sleep in the same bed. This provides us with the credibility to advise couples that we don't believe can exhibit the restraint that we do.

I'm still looking for something in scripture that says what God thinks about this issue, but I'm not optimistic about finding it. I do appreciate the conversation that this has sparked though

 

[gzt]

You're not going to find much in the Bible about this uniquely modern arrangement. "Thou shalt not sleep in the same bad as they girlfriend," just isn't in there. It's not a wise thing to do, I don't think, but you won't go to hell if you've done it a couple times, but I think there are very prudent reasons for not making a habit of it. As I said in my first post, I think it's a level of intimacy that isn't wise to indulge in outside of marriage.

 

[Luther073082]

I'm more concerned about this statement:


"I am able to sleep with my girlfriend without having sex."


If that is true I would advise you to find another woman that tempts you more. In eventual-marriage a strong attraction is very important!


BTW I think the parents excuse as it is a bad example is lame. What do the people there care where you sleep?

Honestly I think there is a major difference between self control and lack of attraction. Lets presume that when he says this he means its because he had self control.

 

[gzt]

I think it's fallacious to always demand to see something in the Bible. The Bible is relatively silent on masturbation, lesbianism, launching nuclear weapons, and conservative politics, yet we're expected to come to a reasonable conclusion about all of them - not necessarily one that everybody would agree with, quite obviously.

 

[Luther073082]

I think it's fallacious to always demand to see something in the Bible. The Bible is relatively silent on masturbation, lesbianism, launching nuclear weapons, and conservative politics, yet we're expected to come to a reasonable conclusion about all of them - not necessarily one that everybody would agree with, quite obviously.

Thats exactly why I'm Lutheran and not Eastern Orthodox or Roman Catholic.

Eventually with both of those you have men. . . Either a synod of patriarchs or the bishop of Rome telling you what is right and wrong. We only rely on tradition if there is already a basis in scripture for something. But we don't use tradition to invent a theological concept or a holy command from God out of the blue.

Also I disagree that the bible is silent on lesbianism. Whats often translated into "sexual immorality" includes many things including homosexuality (both forms).

Also the bible speaks about Lust but not touching yourself. It couldn't be because touching yourself didn't exist back at that time. I think its because it is acceptable to touch to thoughts of one's spouse. To me thats the logical interpretation of it. I don't buy into this idea that only intercourse is acceptable to God.

Nuclear weapons are part of warfare which is condoned when necessary. In the old testament God ordered Israel to take up arms, conquer a city, and slay the entire population. There is no reason to belive that if it becomes necessary for our self protection that we do the same thing with a nuclear weapon. (but instead of conquer a town, instead flatten it.)

Warefare is condoned by God. Now just because its condoned doesn't mean its always a good idea. But warefare is the realm of the state, not the realm of the church or of God.

The bible is not really terribly political either. It gives some moral guidance on some issues, but its not ment to be a political manuscript. Because politics is the realm of the state and not of God.

Ultimatly leaving your decisions on these things up to a group of men or a single man is not freedom in Christ, its more restrictions, more rules, much like the pharisees.

And to be clear, although if you've read my posts for a while, I don't accept that kind of thing from protestant's either who instead of making rules about what goes on between a married couple. (E. Orthodox/Roman Catholic) They instead like to make rules about how a couple may date or court.

Eastern Orthodox and Roman Catholics like to attack Sola Scriptora churchs for their varying doctrines and claim that is one reason you need tradition. But the big secret that they don't talk about is that Eastern Orthodox churchs and Roman Catholics can't even agree on what tradition to follow. Then you have the break-off Roman Catholic churchs such as the Old Catholics, you also have the oriental orthodox and all of them are following their own tradition.

So the reality is that all the tradition has not put those churchs subscribing to them on any healthier doctrinal standing from sola scriptora churchs. The only difference is perhaps the numbers which is easily chalked up to the decision making powers being concentrated in a very few people as opposed to most sola scriptora churchs (especially in the US) having a more congregational polity.

 

[gzt]

Slow your roll, bro. Note how all four require significant levels of intellection beyond what is written right there in the Bible. Neither Orthodox nor Catholic churches give definitive answers on #3 and #4, so your response is off-base there. As for the other two, there are significant ranges of opinion throughout Christendom, my point is that asking "where in the Bible is it written..." for an answer to specific moral questions is a bit disingenuous because, beyond a few specifics and a few generalities, you're left to your own reason or your own tradition to figure out how to work in your own situation. This is also why I argued using a couple specific phrases - that it's "not wise" to indulge in some types of intimacy with somebody who is "not your spouse" rather than saying he's sinning.

 

[visionary]

Be true to thine own self.. Be true to the Lord.. and avoid temptation.. Don't make excuses for your behavior nor for incidences.. Live with a clear and clean conscience.. Do these and you will do well in many other situations too.

 

[Luther073082]

Slow your roll, bro. Note how all four require significant levels of intellection beyond what is written right there in the Bible. Neither Orthodox nor Catholic churches give definitive answers on #3 and #4, so your response is off-base there. As for the other two, there are significant ranges of opinion throughout Christendom, my point is that asking "where in the Bible is it written..." for an answer to specific moral questions is a bit disingenuous because, beyond a few specifics and a few generalities, you're left to your own reason or your own tradition to figure out how to work in your own situation. This is also why I argued using a couple specific phrases - that it's "not wise" to indulge in some types of intimacy with somebody who is "not your spouse" rather than saying he's sinning.

My apologies, and I think saying something isn't wise is far better from giving a diffinitive answer.

I was reacting perhaps a bit too early to what I perceived was your argument for using tradition and/or human interpretation to determine some things.

Also most theologically conservative churchs no matter what denomination have similar views on morality, which leads me to belive that scripture is sufficent for morality.

Take confessional Lutheranism and conservative Baptists for instance. Despite on every other theological issue the extreme difference between Baptist and Lutheran theologies, their views on morality are remarkably similar. This leads me to belive that scripture alone is sufficent as a guide of "whats right" and "what's wrong".

Ultimatly with a lot of the so called "questionable" things you have to consider Jesus's words when he said that "If you're eye causes you to sin, tear it out." In so far as something can be a sin for us because it causes us to sin, but for others it does not affect them. An alcoholic would then be sinning by drinking alcohol (causes them to drink too much and get drunk) while someone who has a better handle on it can drink without sin.

So in a sense sleeping in a same bed with his girlfriend, if it causes either one of them to sin, then its a sin. But just being there isn't a sin by itself.

 

[dayhiker]

I'd want to sleep in the same bed with a GF that I was planning to marry. But then I don't see pre-marrital sex as a sin. As for what others think .. I think too many people try to be piolitally correct. I'm following Christ and not the people that want to gossip about my relationship.

 

[GrumpGrump]

As someone who experiences occasionally extreme anxiety because of my academic life, I find it very good for my mental health to be near my significant other when I sleep. I feel safer and warmer, I have fewer nightmares, and I am comforted by waking up knowing he's there. It's a very innocent enjoyment to genuinely appreciate just being close.

Of course, I can whole-heartedly enjoy it because I don't have any worries about religious proscriptions, so I don't know that it would provide the same benefit to anyone with a strong religious position or worries about premarital sex. I do know for certain that it has a positive effect on my quality of life to share a bed with him.