Son sleeping with girlfriend

[xapiemom]

I read with interest the post by Suebu7 about her son who was sleeping at his girlfriend's house and all the great advice that followed. Our situation is similar, but our son lives on the other side of the country. He's 28, an officer in the military, and this is his first really serious girlfriend. (It's hard for those in the military to sustain a relationship since they move around so often.) He brought her home to meet us over the weekend and it wasn't until I went to change the sheets in the guest rooms that I realized they were sleeping together because his bed was not slept in. I'm hurt and disappointed that (1) he's sleeping with her (2) he violated our home and values by sleeping with her here. That's part one of the problem.

Part two is the girlfriend herself. I have no idea how to to word this without sounding snooty, but here goes.... We liked her, but we just can't see our son settling down with her. She's the same age, but her maturity level is that of a college semi-party girl. I think they were both lonely... maybe feeling that "biological clock". They enjoy many of the same activities, but that's not enough to base a lasting relationship. Also, I get the idea that she is very clingy and it will not be easy to either slow down the relationship or end it, if that would be the case.

We plan on calling our son in a day or two. He's in grad school right now and this is finals week, so we don't want to disturb his studies - and we want to give ourselves time to pray about the situation and what we need to say to him.

So - any ideas?

 

[citizenthom]

Your son is 28 years old, earning an advanced degree, and an officer in the military. He's probably not going to respond well to your attempting to "mother" him at this stage in his life--and he's really not going to respond well to being "fathered."

The best way to address this and to let him know how you feel at the same time would be to cast it in terms of "our house." Something like this: "[Son], you're an adult and we're adults, and we'd say this to any other unmarried adult who was staying at our house. You are free to make your own choices, but we do not approve of you having premarital sex in our home. We believe sex is a wonderful gift of God, but that one can only truly enjoy it in the confines of marriage. We respect your right to make your own choices, but please also respect our home and our values just as we do the same for you. Can we talk to you more about this, Christian adult to Christian adult?"

That lets him know A.) where you stand, B.) where God stands, but leaves it up to him to get himself right with God, and C.) that you want to advise him but will not force it on him.

You do have a Christian duty to tell him where his sin is, but not a parental duty.

 

[Silver2001]

I read with interest the post by Suebu7 about her son who was sleeping at his girlfriend's house and all the great advice that followed. Our situation is similar, but our son lives on the other side of the country. He's 28, an officer in the military, and this is his first really serious girlfriend. (It's hard for those in the military to sustain a relationship since they move around so often.) He brought her home to meet us over the weekend and it wasn't until I went to change the sheets in the guest rooms that I realized they were sleeping together because his bed was not slept in. I'm hurt and disappointed that (1) he's sleeping with her (2) he violated our home and values by sleeping with her here. That's part one of the problem.

Part two is the girlfriend herself. I have no idea how to to word this without sounding snooty, but here goes.... We liked her, but we just can't see our son settling down with her. She's the same age, but her maturity level is that of a college semi-party girl. I think they were both lonely... maybe feeling that "biological clock". They enjoy many of the same activities, but that's not enough to base a lasting relationship. Also, I get the idea that she is very clingy and it will not be easy to either slow down the relationship or end it, if that would be the case.

We plan on calling our son in a day or two. He's in grad school right now and this is finals week, so we don't want to disturb his studies - and we want to give ourselves time to pray about the situation and what we need to say to him.

So - any ideas?

I would definitely call him and make sure that he knows that you are not in agreement with what is going on because God is not in agreement. Not just because values or anything else, but because it is sin, and the wages of sin is death. He must know the Truth, and the Truth will set him free.

 

[seashale76]

Well, of course the woman he's sleeping with is clingy. Sex does seem to incline women toward emotional attachment.

I'd let him know that you didn't appreciate how he handled himself in your home and to please respect your wishes in the future. As his mother, you can probably also get away with saying a bit more regarding faith, however, he is twenty-eight and not a kid. He'll always be your baby, but he's a grown man and has to stand or fall on his own decisions at this point in his life. At his stage of life, I'd already been married five years.

 

[xapiemom]

Thank you so much everyone. I think I pretty much knew all this... it's good to have reinforcement. This has just really thrown me for a loop. Since leaving home our son has always attended church when possible, sought out and has been close to the Chaplains, been a member of Officers' Christian Fellowship, etc. This is just soooo far out in left field for him - even in the choice of the woman. We are just reeling. Once we gain a bit of balance, we will definitely speak to him of his faith heritage, our standards for our home, and God's standards for his life. I know he's an adult, but with his choice in girlfriend (she does go to church, but we didn't get a chance to talk too much about her faith - her actions tell me she's not very grounded) and his choice in actions in our home, make me feel like I should be lecturing a high school kid.... like he has regressed to that time of life. *sigh*
Thank you, Everyone, for your advice and prayers!

 

[suzybeezy]

My son is just 22 but is making choices that I really disagree with, including those with his girlfriend. I've chosen to surrender him into the Lords hands and let Him work in his heart. At this point, my job is kind of done and its really between him and God. I just hope that parenting I did will shine through at some point and he'll start making wiser choices. I think you're son has already made some pretty nice choices in life, and while there is this one short coming, that too will click for him and he'll learn from his mistakes and carry on wiser and more matured having learned them.

 

[xapiemom]

Thanks Suzybeezy! Your reply brought to my mind Proverbs 22:6, Train up a child in the way he should go and even when he is old he will not depart from it. Is 28 old enough?
God is faithful! I have committed this relationship to him from the time I knew our son had a girlfriend, but even more so now. It's hard to let go, but knowing my son is in God's hads is comforting!

 

[janny108]

I have to do the same thing, let it go in God's hands. Our son is 23 and his girlfriend followed him from CA to VA. I pray that something we said or did he will remember at the right time.

 

[Forealzchola]

It is hard for any adult that old to remain pure...but i believe he is honestly too old and too grown(almost 30) for you to be commenting on how he wishes to conduct his life...it is however one thing if you dont want him to sleep in the same bed with his gf in your home....you never know how his gf really is like someone mentioned before...sex will make a woman attached to the man...since this is the first time you met her...maybe you got a wrong first impression...you dont think she is grounded..but how grounded is your son either..if hes sleeping with her? The man sort of has to go along with this sort of the thing =) Maybe he is looking for a wife and wont be too astray too long.

 

[Saucy]

I would at least ask him about it. Him being in the military, he's probably really used to having his sheets and bed perfectly made so maybe he made his bed? Entirely possible but probably also doubtful. Confront him about it and see what he says. You can come across as a curious mom instead of trying to control him. I know you don't like his choices, but being away in the military is sooo tough for someone...he can't really have a normal relationship with a woman. He has needs like the rest of us. In a few years when they're married (or he gets married to someone else) this won't even matter. There's a time when every parent has to let go and let his or her kid make their own choices. They won't always be choices you agree with, but it's theirs to make.

 

[xapiemom]

LOL! I've seen his place... he does NOT make his bed when he doesn't have to! He has his own place, so no Gunny looking over his shoulder! When he comes to visit, he has never made his bed, either. ANYWAY - I understand, I do, I get it - he's not a kid, he's an adult. But I don't see any age limits to purity in the Bible. Take a look at Paul. Never married. I'm pretty sure God would have had words with him if he hadn't stayed pure. No - my son is not "getting off the hook" on this. He has sinned. He has blatantly disregarded our standards in our house. That's issue #1. He is not being the spiritual leader in this relationship - issue#2. We'll stick with those issues at the minimum. Since he continued to go to church or some other Christian venue whenever possible (difficult sometimes when deployed) and sought out and befriended the Chaplains, we'll be asking him where he is on his faith journey as well. As I have said previously, this is really out of the blue.
Thanks again, everyone for your thoughts!

 

[childofGod31]

I read with interest the post by Suebu7 about her son who was sleeping at his girlfriend's house and all the great advice that followed. Our situation is similar, but our son lives on the other side of the country. He's 28, an officer in the military, and this is his first really serious girlfriend. (It's hard for those in the military to sustain a relationship since they move around so often.) He brought her home to meet us over the weekend and it wasn't until I went to change the sheets in the guest rooms that I realized they were sleeping together because his bed was not slept in. I'm hurt and disappointed that (1) he's sleeping with her (2) he violated our home and values by sleeping with her here. That's part one of the problem.

Part two is the girlfriend herself. I have no idea how to to word this without sounding snooty, but here goes.... We liked her, but we just can't see our son settling down with her. She's the same age, but her maturity level is that of a college semi-party girl. I think they were both lonely... maybe feeling that "biological clock". They enjoy many of the same activities, but that's not enough to base a lasting relationship. Also, I get the idea that she is very clingy and it will not be easy to either slow down the relationship or end it, if that would be the case.

We plan on calling our son in a day or two. He's in grad school right now and this is finals week, so we don't want to disturb his studies - and we want to give ourselves time to pray about the situation and what we need to say to him.

So - any ideas?

Sleeping together or not sleeping is just a symptom. It's not a cause.

So if your son's heart is not right with God, BUT he stopped sleeping together with the girl, what good will it do him? None whatsoever.

It's like taking medicine for a cold. The medicine does not heal the cold, but simply suppresses the coughing and sneezing. But the cold is still there.

Sleeping with somebody is the result of the heart's decision. Stopping sleeping together will not change the fact that the person still thinks it's ok.

The focus should not be: to stop certain sins. There are too many too stop. It's like killing the ants. You will have to stay there and keep killing them until you are blue in the face. But they will keep coming. So in order to get rid of the problem, you would have to seal the hole.

It's the same here. If you want your son to be closer to God or to have a relationship with God, work on that. But whether he does certain sins or not doesn't really matter if he doesn't have a right relationship with God.

 

[gzt]

I think you also might not be able to assume what they did or did not do while at your house beyond what the evidence strictly suggests. Sleeping in the same bed does not necessarily mean sex, though I think it's certainly unwise for unmarried couples to do and is usually paired with it. At the end of the day, he's 28 and will do what he wants.

 

[Youbrace]

I'm a following Christian and the same age. Stop stop mothering his personal life. It will only push him away. You had your chance to raise him and give him values, now he is an adult. Everyone has to make mistakes and have god correct them or else how can he grow?

I wouldnt expect my mother to ever say anything to me about this to me out of respect. Last thing a son wants is a nosey mother. They want an understanding mother. Let you kid make mistakes. Sorry to put this so bluntly but I am astounded by your control issues.

 

[xapiemom]

Youbrace-
Thank you for your reply. I need to clarify a bit. I am not - nor have I ever been a controlling mother. Our three kids have, for the most part, been good kids. My husband and my style of parenting is to provide guidance, but also not get in their way as long as they weren't making big mistakes. We let them learn from the smaller mistakes - and that was hard at times. But for the most part, they made good decisions and didn't get into or cause too much trouble. We taught them through mutual respect.

When it came to the kids' dating, again, we didn't get in the way, but if we saw that things weren't going well, we would step in - not to necessarily break things off, but to help our kids think things through. And actually, we only had to step in once for our daughter when she was in an abusive relationship. Other than that, again, the kids made good decisions for the most part.

As for our adult son - as an adult he is entitled to live his life as he sees fit. Our issue with this whole thing is threefold. First, he knows that sex outside of marriage is not acceptable to us, so out of respect for our beliefs and our home, he should refrain in our home. Secondly, Christian adult to Christian adult, this is a sin we felt the need to confront him with. Third, we are not sure that he's "equally yoked" with this woman. Okay - this one may be more on the parenting side, but we want him to be really sure this is someone who he can be happy with (and visa versa) for the rest of their lives. Being intimate before there is commitment is not a good basis for a lasting relationship. While we are past "the parenting stage" we are still his parents, older and wiser, and still have something to offer.

As a follow-up, tho - we did talk to him about it - preferencing the conversation with "Christian to Christian" and "you are an adult and can make your own decisions......." etc. He told us that they weren't having sex and he was sorry if we got that impression. I'm not totally convinced, but we have placed the matter in the Lord's hands and will trust Him to work His will in our son's life.

I would appreciate your prayers!

 

[Bain_Adaneth]

Xapiemom…
I can’t believe what I’m hearing by so-called “Christians” in here saying that he’s old enough to make his own decisions and sleep with her?! Would Jesus have said this? Amazing what people claim and say these days! Did Jesus and the Word of God not teach against sleeping out of marriage?? If you don’t follow the Word of God on this, you shouldn’t even be commenting, because you’re promoting sexual immorality. Might I remind everyone that people who practice sexual immorality does not enter into the kingdom of heaven. So don’t listen to them.
First you should ask him…Yes, we always have these impulses to jump into conclusions and get hurt. And sometimes it’s obvious…..But ask first if they are or not…and tell him what you found.
And then…since he’s supposedly a Christian…he’s not suppose to be sleeping around anyways…this rule is for everyone and doesn’t exempt anyone in the military….even if they are 60 years old….or etc….there’s no exception to this rule?...who said?
Third…if he did sleep with her….yes, you should make your values known and rules. I don’t know if you or your husband has even spoken to him about this before…. Because you have to teach them when they’re young…before the fact. If you’re not promoting it, you shouldn’t allow it to continue in your home. And it is our duty to correct our own children and EVEN other Christians according to God’s Word. I know that you may not be able to control it elsewhere……but you must stand on your belief in God’s Words, your words as a mother….and the value in your own home…at least you have a say on those three things. I don’t care about how old you are as a parent or how old your children are….elderly people have a little bit more wisdom because they’ve experience a lot of these things in life…and people choose to lead or not lead their children. This choice is up to you. But I believe it is still your duty as a Christian to confront this issue and stop this kind of evil in your home. And pray for you son.
Lastly, I have nothing to say about the girl…because I don’t know her….that’s basically your son’s choice in choosing the right wife….and you can guide him and tell him your feelings….and ultimately he will listen or not listen…but he will choose someone.

Let me tell you something….when I was growing up…I did not really listen to my parents. But to this day, everything they said is still in my heart. And I know they were always there guiding, and teaching me. And sometimes I did not want to listen to them lecture me….But when I was going to do something bad…those words would ring in my ear…and I would think twice…and it got me out of a lot of trouble. Now that I’m all grown, I start to see how they used God’s Words to penetrate my life. And I am alive and a better person because of my parents and their prayers and guidance. You do not know how many times their words and prayers pulled me away from death’s path. My mom would pray almost every night just for the kids.
You gotta say it. It’s the right thing to do. And when they grow up…they will probably be saying it to their kids too…and they will understand how concern you were.

 

[katautumn]

Xapiemom…
I can’t believe what I’m hearing by so-called “Christians” in here saying that he’s old enough to make his own decisions and sleep with her?! Would Jesus have said this? Amazing what people claim and say these days! Did Jesus and the Word of God not teach against sleeping out of marriage??.

I'm amazed that anyone would honestly think a parent has any authority over their nearly thirty year-old son. I don't think anyone here has stated the OP should condone her son's actions - rather cautioned her against making a big stink about it, because he is a grown man who is outside of his parents' headship and is at liberty to make his own decisions and mistakes without his mother telling him he shouldn't do something. At this point the ball is in his court. Furthermore, in Bible times young men and women typically did not leave home until they were married and they married at a much younger age than we do today. It was almost unheard of for a young man to leave his family home outside of being engaged to be married. These days most adults leave home to go to college or find work and live on their own.

No one has said just because he's twenty-eight he should sleep with his girlfriend, rather it's not his parents' place to try and correct his behavior at his age. At this point in his life it's between him, his girlfriend and God. She can only mandate that he not sleep with her while staying in her home, which is not an unreasonable request. With that said, she cannot dictate whether or not he may sleep with her in their own homes, so please do not refer to those who make this obvious statement as "so-called Christians" as if pointing out the obvious and logical makes someone a non-christian.

 

[Johnnz]

I can’t believe what I’m hearing by so-called “Christians” in here saying that he’s old enough to make his own decisions and sleep with her?! Would Jesus have said this? Amazing what people claim and say these days! Did Jesus and the Word of God not teach against sleeping out of marriage??

This statement misses a very obvious point - God does not prevent people making their own decisions, even very wicked ones, Just look at the world today. Yes, there is a final reckoning, but meantime we cannot force another adult against their set wills.

John
NZ

 

[gzt]

One of the most common questions in the section for "courting couples" on this site is whether it's okay to spend the night with one's significant other if they're not having sex. I consistently recommend against it, but I'm bringing it up to let you know that a lot of young Christians these days have these kind of thoughts and ideas.

 

[xapiemom]

Again, thanks for all the replies. I'm a little disheartened at some of the replies from folks who think that a parent's influence in the lives of their kids somehow ends when the young person becomes an adult. My Mom died a couple years ago and my Dad has Alzheimers - I would give almost anything to have them back again! I'm 53, but still there's hardly a week that goes by when I don't think of a question for my Mom or want some advice from my Dad. Thank you, Bain, for your respectful words about parents in general and your own parents' influence on you specifically. I hope that my own kids would have similar thoughts about my husband and me as parents.