Adult Children & Sex

[cagey]

My husband and I have struggled with the issue of premarital sex with each of our 4 kids. Raised in an active church-going home with each going to confirmation classes & church through high school, each of our kids has had sex before marriage. Now our youngest, a daughter who is 21 and living in our home while taking a semester off from college, is spending one night a week with her boyfriend. This bothers us greatly but we don't know what to do. She tells us when she will be gone overnight so we won't worry about her. Her boyfriend, who is 25, moved back in with his parents who do let them sleep together in their house. Any suggestions would be most appreciated. Thanks.

 

[united4Peace]

Love your children regardless...
Hubby and I lived together for a couple of years before we were married, been together for 20 years and married 16 yrs.
Our parents didn't care for the idea that we were living together, nor did they care for the idea of others in our family living together, however they still loved us and were always there for us.
So I suppose my suggestion is, don't judge them (Only God has that right) and continue to love your children through their lives regardless of their decisions

 

[cagey]

Thanks for sharing your thought. We are trying to be 'adult' about it - agreeing to disagree, setting boundaries e.g. no sleepovers in our house. But it is still very hard as it is right in front of our eyes. I guess more prayer is the answer.

 

[Macx]

Better before your eyes where you can be talking about it, than behind your back. I know it is small consolation, but you have a good enough relationship that she is telling you when and where she is going, some parents don't even have that.

You have done what you could to raise kids with Christian values. Just like all of us, no matter how hard our parents tried, we will still do things wrong. This is one of the harder parts of being a parent. I'm a long ways off but already it occupies a lot of my worry.

 

[cagey]

Thanks for that advice. We know it is good that we can talk with her about this and that she cares enough about us to let us know when she'll be gone so we don't worry. I guess we'll both have to get better at turning the other cheek.

 

[citizenthom]

A.) It's not your fault. Your children are adults, and they will make mistakes no matter how you raised them. You should not feel guilt over what another grown-up does, even if it's your child.

B.) It's no longer any of your business, either. Your children are adults, and they will make mistakes no matter how you raised them. Trying to control them on such an intimate issue now that they're adults is only going to breed disrespect and, frankly, more sin out of sheer rebellion. It's far less important to try to stop them than it is to keep the communication lines open, so they'll feel comfortable coming to you for comfort and counsel if/when the sin has bad practical consequences.

 

[dodolah]

It is very hard to deal with this.
Since your child is an adult... ultimately, she is the one who will decide.
The more you restrain her the more she will rebel..

Do you trust your own daughter's judgment?
I wonder how is her boyfriend personality?
Do you trust his judgment?

sometimes a sleepover just might very well be a sleepover.

 

[cagey]

Our daughter has been honest with us so we know they are not sleepovers. I don't think either of us have any illusions about controlling adult children no matter how much we'd like to. Perhaps this is more about our values, morals & faith and how to deal with this right in front of our eyes (so to speak). We don't feel guilty - just trying I think to find a way to make peace with the situation. All of the responses have been helpful and I appreciate your honesty.

 

[dodolah]

Our daughter has been honest with us so we know they are not sleepovers. I don't think either of us have any illusions about controlling adult children no matter how much we'd like to. Perhaps this is more about our values, morals & faith and how to deal with this right in front of our eyes (so to speak). We don't feel guilty - just trying I think to find a way to make peace with the situation. All of the responses have been helpful and I appreciate your honesty.

Since your daughter is being honest with you.. I think you owe it to yourself and your daughter to be honest with her.
Tell her what you actually feel about her having sex with her boy friend (while at the same time being respectful, of course -don't make it into a fit).

 

[cagey]

We did have that conversation before she moved back home from college. She basically said she has her own views and that we (meaning us & her) agree to disagree. She called awhile ago to say she'd be staying again tonight and back tomorrow morning. I just kind of grunted uh-ha and then she moved on to another topic. My husband will be unhappy to hear this too. I know this isn't PC - but we are supporting her financially and really don't like having to accept these actions at the same time. It's a struggle.

 

[Forealzchola]

I'd hate to say this but actually since she is under your roof and you are providing for her finacially...tell her she cant go or she will get kicked out....that really is your only other option.

I live by myself in my parents old home and my bf come and spends days - a week with me sometimes...and the way my parents look at it is they trust me and know that im ultimately going to do what i want to do...but my bf has gained their trust and they love him despite what we might do or dont do intimately and he even has his own set of keys to my house.

I have a friend whose mother is in your situation but she doesnt want her daughter to spend the night or even move in with her bf despite the fact she knows her daughter is having sex...she lets her go knowing she has sex with him and the daugther comes home...i rather my daughter be living with someone rather than traveling to a city away in order to have sex with someone to come back by the end of the day ...to me it would seem if they were actually living together it would be more of a serious relationship that could lead to marriage than just "traveling sex" once a week...

hope this give you some perspective

 

[dodolah]

We did have that conversation before she moved back home from college. She basically said she has her own views and that we (meaning us & her) agree to disagree. She called awhile ago to say she'd be staying again tonight and back tomorrow morning. I just kind of grunted uh-ha and then she moved on to another topic. My husband will be unhappy to hear this too. I know this isn't PC - but we are supporting her financially and really don't like having to accept these actions at the same time. It's a struggle.

Well, that changed a lot of things...
In that case, i think you have more leverage to lay down the rule.

 

[cagey]

Thanks for the different perspective. The boyfriend lives with his parents about 1 hour from our home. We aren't ready to kick her out but are considering telling her that a condition of coming back home after college is not spending nights with her boyfriend. That would force the situation at her end down the road which is maybe how it should be. It just feels like we are compromising our values by looking the other way.

 

[fm107]

She may not accept your views but instead go with her own views.

Never the less, if she claims to be a Christian she ought to listen to God's views.

I think you ought to show her some scriptures, if she is not convicted by them then I'm afraid you may have a bigger problem on your hands - she may not be saved.

1 John 1:6
If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth.

Here are some scriptures which you should use to highlight to her that what she is doing is very wrong in God's eyes - and he sees all.

A person can go to Chruch everyday of their lives because that is how they were brought up, it doesn't mean to say they are saved.


1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.

1 Corinthians 6:9
Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals,

Ephesians 5:3
But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you

Hebrews 13:4
Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

Galations 5:19
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;

1 Thessalonians 4:3
It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality;

Colossians 3:5
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.

1 Corinthians 6:9
Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals,

Ephesians 5:5
For this you know with certainty, that no immoral or impure person or covetous man, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.

1 Corinthians 6:13
"Food for the stomach and the stomach for food"--but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.

Hebrews 12:16
See that no one is sexually immoral, or is godless like Esau, who for a single meal sold his inheritance rights as the oldest son.


I totally agree with Forealzchola, if she insists on continuing in this sin, kick her out. By allowing her all her to stay, you are in fact condoning what she is doing!

Luke 17:3
"Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.

Galations 6:1
Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.

Matthew 18:17
If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

Matthew 18:17
Now we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep away from every brother who leads an unruly life and not according to the tradition which you received from us.

1 Corinthians 5:11
But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.

 

[dodolah]

With all due respect, being a bible thumper and blasting her with bible verses in this situation will probably makes things worse.
Instead of assuming a role of a pastor preaching to the sinner, I think it's best being a parent. Just be honest and told her that you, as a parent and a christian, cannot betray your conscience and look the other way.
There is nothing else you can do beside be respectful, be caring, and at the same time firm to lay down the rule.

I pray God will somewhat nudge your daughter's conscience. This is just my opinion, children are not yet adults when they cannot take care of themselves.

 

[dodolah]

Not only do you call your own brother a bible thumper but you seem scared of using scripture.

Tell me what better way is their to "nudge a conscience" than with God's own words?

There isn't one.

Secondly, I am doing what is biblical.

Matthew 18:15
"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.

This lady has already talked with her daughter - it never worked. Therefore your advice is nothing she hasn't already tried.

I am not scared using bible verse.. What i am trying to communicate is to use Godly wisdom on how to takes care a delicate situation.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven--

Emphasis on the word 'delicate.' Situation like this cannot be solved with a cookie cutter way like what you suggested.

I am assuming you have never been a parent before.
She hasn't tried laying down the rule. And, chanting the bible verses to corner your child is, imho, a not so wise way.

You can still be christian and a parent without displaying a 'holier than thou' attitude. Be firm with the rule and gentle as a parent.
That is my advice

 

[fm107]

I just find it funny how you can first call a brother a "bible basher" then in the next minute talk about wisdom.

Secondly, who ever said display a "holier than thou attitude?"

The bible makes it clear the attitude we should have:

Galations 6:1
Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.

Secondly, we are told to use scripture for the following:

2 Timothy 3:16
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,

I can therefore conclude that it is in fact a good time to use scripture because it meets not just one but all of the above.

 

[dodolah]

I just find it funny how you can first call a brother a "bible basher" then in the next minute talk about wisdom.

Secondly, who ever said display a "holier than thou attitude?"

The bible makes it clear the attitude we should have:

Galations 6:1
Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.

Secondly, we are told to use scripture for the following:

2 Timothy 3:16
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,

I can therefore conclude that it is in fact a good time to use scripture because it meets not just one but all of the above.

I am not calling you a bible basher. But, I am glad that you are entertained somewhat
I am telling her not to be one in this situation.
Scripture is indeed useful for teaching, rebuking, and so on.. but, notice in the word, it did not say "it is useful for bashing or cornering people."
I think her daughter knew exactly that having sex before marriage is sin without being told the location of the specific verses in the bible.

and, in your own post, my brother in Christ.. Galations 6:1
Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.

being gen·tle (j

n

tl)adj. gen·tler, gen·tlest 1. Considerate or kindly in disposition; amiable and tender.

not like this:

Over and out Sorry for making this sound like an argument, Cagey.
I really hope your 'conversation' with her will work out.

I'm praying for you.

 

[Johnnz]

Welcome to a glimpse into the heart of God. He continues to love us even though He sees just how we are falling short in many areas of our lives. He knows both love and pain. Just let your love for your daughter (and her chosen partner) be greater than your pain, just as God's love for them is.

John
NZ

 

[ForHisGlory2009]

Better before your eyes where you can be talking about it, than behind your back. I know it is small consolation, but you have a good enough relationship that she is telling you when and where she is going, some parents don't even have that.

You have done what you could to raise kids with Christian values. Just like all of us, no matter how hard our parents tried, we will still do things wrong. This is one of the harder parts of being a parent. I'm a long ways off but already it occupies a lot of my worry.

I would have you agree with you. Even though your Children have grown up with Christian Values the saying is they won't depart from them. While they may not follow them, they are still with them and engraved in them, even though they may not be following it now, there is a chance that they may do so later on.

There will be times when they will do things outside of what they are taught but there are many times that they won't do something outside of what they were taught because they hear that voice inside their heads telling them that it's wrong as we get older there are times when we don't hear it or choose not to hear it but after a while that voice turns into our own voices telling us what's right and wrong.

All you can do at this point is to be there and support her, you can support her without condoning what she is doing. There is still a chance that she will turn from it. but you gotta give her credit for being so open with you, it's a good thing he is living with his parents' it takes down the chances of things happening.