Unmarried Adult Son's Visit w/Girlfriend: Sleeping Accomodations?

[DawnB]

Our adult son (29) is planning on coming home to vist us. He's bringing his girlfriend, whom we've never met. They are living together (not married) in another state. My dh & I plan on informing him that even though they live together, they will not be staying in the same bedroom when they come here. We have 2 extra bedrooms, so we have the room, too. What are your thoughts from a Christian perspective?

Thank you, DawnB

 

[suzybeezy]

I agree, I do not think its proper to go against your beliefs to accomodate your child. I think its correct to hold your ground and insist on separate rooms under your roof. It woudn't be acceptable in my opinion to send the message that you condone their living arrangements. If your son doesn't accept your terms, give them the name of a local hotel. Its one thing that they have chose to live together, but its another if you give the false impression that you approve of it. If you are of the belief that living together prior to marriage is a sin, then you are right to set the terms of separate sleeping while he's staying with you.

 

[homeofmew]

heck the real question is will he visit you again if you enforce this on him.
Does he HAVE to visit you is the question.

He probably wants to see you again and BAM you put this on him.
Just IMO.

 

[bliz]

I think he should be informed before they arrive about what the sleeping accomoditions will be.

 

[Johnnz]

Why not ask him and then initiate a discussion? Handled correctly he could respect your views enough to comply without too much protest.

You also need to think through what you want long term. Does your acceptance of him require he thinks exactly as you do? What if they did get married later - would either feel past alienation had created barriers?

We did not have this issue with our children. But we have had homestays for many years. We generally would not allow them sleeping with a partner while living with us. But some did return later with their long term partners. We had no issue with them sleeping together.

John
NZ

 

[Shahzam]

My children would know before visiting how I would respond to such arrangements. Definitely. They would not be in the same room and not even be on the same floor overnight.

They were reared to know right from wrong, reared to understand that sexual intercourse outside of marriage was sin and unacceptable in my eyes, and it is not going to happen later just because they are both immature and rebellious enough to play house.

 

[coley10604]

Well, this isn't a Christian perspective, but in my opinion you're doing the right thing. If they are visiting your house, they should be following your rules regarding sleeping arrangements. I'm married now, but when I was seriously dating my college boyfriend, we'd sleep separately when we visited his parents, because that was their rule and what they felt was appropriate. I respected their rule even though my mother let us stay in the same room when he spent the night at my house. It's more important to respect others that it is to sleep in the same bed for one or a few nights.

 

[Rebekka]

How many people actually have sex when they're visiting relatives?

 

[KatacrossthePond]

I don't have children your age (I nearly am the same age as your son ) but I'd ask myself whether I would impose the same rules on friends who were staying over. He is your child, yes, and you brought him up with your beliefs and practices in mind. But he is now an adult, who can make his own decisions. If you can honestly say the same rule would apply to whoever comes and stays, then I'd say ask them to sleep in different rooms. However, if it's only on the basis of him being your son and 'rebelling' (at 29?), that would sit very uneasy with me personally.

 

[Hadassah]

My parents have always had those same rules, visiting friends, family or us kids. I'm about your son's age and the rule was always no one of the opposite sex in the bedrooms unless married.

And to answer Rebekka, you'd be surprised.

I do believe you'd have to be careful how you worded things, so that he knows you still love him and you do want him to visit, but these are the rules of the house (if they were and always are) and that you're not backing down just because he's of age and out of the home.


Just because we grow up and move out, make our own decisions and have consequences for our choices - it never negates the house rules of our parents and grandparents.

 

[tiredwalker]

I'd just be honest. I'd say, "You are an adult; and you get to make your own decisions. In our home, we don't have unmarried guests in the same room. If that doesn't settle well with you, we can look up a nice place for you guys to stay."

It's important to be careful not to alientate them though. If they feel like you are judging them, they probably won't be back for a long time. I wouldn't make any other discussion about it besides that.

 

[Evangeline Grey]

They are adults. I would accommodate them and not make a fuss about it. After all, you invited them, right?

 

[Rudolph Hucker]

How many people actually have sex when they're visiting relatives?

Do any not?

 

[Singermom]

They are adults. I would accommodate them and not make a fuss about it. After all, you invited them, right?

The way I understand it, they invited HIM; he invited her. Yes, they are adults, but it is THEIR home. To answer a previous poster, yes...friends should be treated the same way.

My parents had a "no unmarrieds sharing a room" rule, and no one ever had a problem with it. Of course, none of us kids ever brought over someone to sleep over unless we WERE married.

One thing that no one has mentioned that may be important: although I would definitely explain the rule, be careful not to alienate HER. Make her feel welcome, respect her as his girlfriend, but explain to her that it's not HER...it's your belief that unmarried people should not share a bedroom.

 

[CrumbsofComfort]

As this thread started in May 2009, it would be interesting to hear how the visit went, and how the relationship with the son and GF is going.

Perhaps there wasn't an issue, as the son would have known the feelings of his Christian parents about unmarried people sharing a bed.