- Jan 30, 2006
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I guess you could label me as a "seeker" as I've spent the past several years trying to figure out God/religion/faith/Christianity. I've read a lot of apologetics books in my quest to understand all this. Since, by nature, I'm a very analytical person, facts speak to me much more than emotions and feelings, which has made it extremely difficult for me to come to a point where I can truly grasp and understand things of this matter.
Having said that, I think I've grasped the concept of God as the creator of the universe and life. There are actually many facts relating to this particular issue/subject that make sense, to me at least, allowing me to satisfy my analytical nature and conclude that God is indeed our creator.
However, when it comes to understanding the concept of God as a "personal God," who loves me, cares for me, and desires to have a relationship with me, I just don't get it. It doesn't make sense to me; I feel awkward when I pray, and just don't understand how, out of 6 billion people, I matter a hill of beans to the guy who created the universe. Surely, having done that, he has much more important concerns than lowly I. I feel silly whenever I attempt to pray, having given up talking to imaginary friends decades ago (not saying God is imaginary, I just don't feel like there is anyone listening).
Going to church is downright depressing. Walking into church with 1,000 people who do "get it" makes me feel inferior (they get it but I don't), defective, and just plain old dumb. What do they know that I don't? is what I'm thinking. How could so many people be singing along with "Jesus is my boyfriend" as if He was physically present and listening, when I don't experience that. My faith, such as it is, is always weaker leaving church than it is when I go. I feel silly sticking out as almost the only one who doesn't partake in communion, but I'd be a hypocrite if I did.
I guess experiencing the emotional, personal side of God is either something I'm not wired to understand, as there is no logical path or argument that works on an emotional level, which is what I see the personal relationship as being. I'm not much of a touchy-feely person anymore (my youth has long since passed, call me more of a cynic), so when it comes to having to base a relationship with someone I can't see soley on emotions and love, that doesn't compute for me.
I didn't really write this to solicit advice, input and suggestions. I guess I really just wanted to put down in words things I've felt for a long time. Anyway, thanks for reading, if you made it this far...
Having said that, I think I've grasped the concept of God as the creator of the universe and life. There are actually many facts relating to this particular issue/subject that make sense, to me at least, allowing me to satisfy my analytical nature and conclude that God is indeed our creator.
However, when it comes to understanding the concept of God as a "personal God," who loves me, cares for me, and desires to have a relationship with me, I just don't get it. It doesn't make sense to me; I feel awkward when I pray, and just don't understand how, out of 6 billion people, I matter a hill of beans to the guy who created the universe. Surely, having done that, he has much more important concerns than lowly I. I feel silly whenever I attempt to pray, having given up talking to imaginary friends decades ago (not saying God is imaginary, I just don't feel like there is anyone listening).
Going to church is downright depressing. Walking into church with 1,000 people who do "get it" makes me feel inferior (they get it but I don't), defective, and just plain old dumb. What do they know that I don't? is what I'm thinking. How could so many people be singing along with "Jesus is my boyfriend" as if He was physically present and listening, when I don't experience that. My faith, such as it is, is always weaker leaving church than it is when I go. I feel silly sticking out as almost the only one who doesn't partake in communion, but I'd be a hypocrite if I did.
I guess experiencing the emotional, personal side of God is either something I'm not wired to understand, as there is no logical path or argument that works on an emotional level, which is what I see the personal relationship as being. I'm not much of a touchy-feely person anymore (my youth has long since passed, call me more of a cynic), so when it comes to having to base a relationship with someone I can't see soley on emotions and love, that doesn't compute for me.
I didn't really write this to solicit advice, input and suggestions. I guess I really just wanted to put down in words things I've felt for a long time. Anyway, thanks for reading, if you made it this far...