http://www.christianforums.com The general forums for support of Christian undergoing trials and struggles. en Fri, 20 Nov 2009 23:12:35 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.christianforums.com/style/misc/rss.jpg http://www.christianforums.com http://www.christianforums.com/t7417559/ Sat, 14 Nov 2009 13:03:45 GMT A little background info: I've been raised in a christian family all my life. I grew up attending church regularly twice a week, sundays and wednesdays. I dont believe i really accepted Christ until my freshmen yr in college, but have been struggling with my faith since then. I have struggled with masturbation and porn, since I was a freshmen in high school. I dont think I was serious about christianity before college because i felt it was forced on me through my parents. My father was very strict growing up. Anyway i've just had many problems happening more recently. My sophomore year in college, i got into drinking and partying did that up until the beginning of this year, where i realized something needed to change. I remember feeling depressed with life and having a bunch of physical ailments, so i decided that i needed to get connected with a church. While i completely stopped partying and drinking less, i started smoking marijuana. I started smoking on halloween of 2008 and smoked a few of times up until new years. Then i stopped for a while, then started doing it once every two weeks, then pretty soon it was every weekend. Up until march and april, i smoked consecutively for 2 weeks out of the month. anyway to make a long story short i stopped for 6 months, but fell back into it 2 weeks ago. But been having problems before that, that caused me to use it again. I've recently had chronic stress and anxiety and have felt a slew of physical ailments and mental anguish. I've gone to the doctor for many things and of course everything came back normal. So i understand its something spiritual in nature. I've never had trials this bad before. It's really difficult, especially since this is my last year in college. I feel like i've use marijuana as a crutch for covering up problems. I understand that i have to stop smoking, which i dont think will be hard once i fix the problem that im trying to mask. I'm not sure whether this anxiety that i have is because i've been hiding this porn problem or because im depressed. I'm just not sure, but i know i need alot of prayer. I fell like i hit rock bottom. I know that this anxiety is an evil spirit, i know that i've always been an anxious person, but it feels like its inhibiting my daily life. I know that God can take it away from me. ]]> General Struggles bristolboard http://www.christianforums.com/t7417559/ http://www.christianforums.com/t7416515/ Tue, 10 Nov 2009 11:21:52 GMT Does anybody ever get really confused? Like one day you feel like you're finally seeing things clearly then the next you're not so sure? Then all your thoughts come crashing in all at once, you get paranoid, you can't think clearly at work, you can't sleep, and you can't even remember which week or day you're in?

Last week so many things seemed clear; clearer than they had been in a long time. I finally believed in God and forgave myself for so many atrocities I had done over my lifetime. I asked God to help me get over my hangups and knew I needed God to help me along my road.

Then I went to church and a beginning bible class on Sunday. The topic of the church sermon was strongholds and anger. The topic of the class was God's law. Somewhere during that morning, I got confused. I was no longer sure of anything. My brain decided to go somewhere else.

I've asked myself is it denial? Is it the devil trying to trip me up? Does it feel comfortable to be crazy? Do I want to stay stuck? Am I just holding onto anger and resentfulness? Am I giving up? Am I wanting to stay guilty and not forgive myself? Do I want to stop sinning? Why do I repeat sins? Why am I not stopping the confusion? Am I afraid of people? Of God? Of myself?

I went to Celebrate Recovery last night and found I couldn't speak. The topic was forgiveness of others and self. My mind just left the room. I tried to comprehend what was being said, but the words became jumbled in my brain. It was like my brain needed to put one foot in front of the other to function. I could see at a distance how I tried to listen but it was like the people were speaking a foreign language. My brain was stopping it. I didn't really feel angry or upset. In fact, I felt numb. And confused. I kept hearing people in my head say, "what? I don't understand." I felt like I was across a football field from the 3D people in the room. I kept wanting to talk and say something, anything; even talking about the confusion would've helped. But when I was asked how I was (the usual question) I said, "fine." The world was somehow crashing in on itself and all I could say was fine.

There are really nice people at this church and in Celebrate Recovery. They have accepted me and are genuinely caring. I am finally learning to trust 3D people. I still have the wall and have not shared my phone number or spoke to them outside the group, but I feel they seem to understand and are ok with me. The leader of the bible class and of Celebrate Recovery know about my diagnosis of DID and fully accept me even then (the bible study leader saw my website and questioned me). The leader of Celebrate Recovery is a social worker and has worked with people like me. I never switch there (and actually don't really do that hardly at all). I more see the people than switch with them. But they know I compartmentalize feelings and that's really all they know. But they accept me anyway and even tell me that it's ok that others know things about me and encourage me to be myself because secrets keep us separated from others. They want me to feel the church is my home.

And I feel I can talk to them about all this. In fact, they have contacted me many times via email just to chat.

So I have all this support which I am so grateful about and know that God has put these people and this church in my life for fellowship. I finally last week, start believing in God, start believing I'm forgiven, then this.

So what is it? Is it Satan fighting for my soul? Is it me unwilling to give up the grudges? Is it me wanting to remain stuck so I can avoid forgiving myself and others? Do I really not trust God enough to fix this? Did I decide that God wasn't power enough to fix this and so took back the power? Did I give up on God already?

I can do what I do best..........get down on myself now, give up on God, and go about the way I always go (half cocked sideways just spinning my wheels) and avoiding the Christians. But I'm tired of going on rampages. I'm tired of doing it my way. I'm tired of giving in to just sinning the same sins over and over as though there's no hope for me or the others.

Sigh.

I need a blow horn.

I need to yell through that blow horn these words:

Satan, go away!!!!!! Cindy, get a grip!!!!!! Forgive yourself!!!!! Forgive others!!!!! Give it to God!!!!!!! You are loved by God!!!!!!! Stop throwing it all away!!!!!!! Let it go!!!!!! Let it go!!!!!! Focus on what's important!!!! Stop wallowing in the darkness.......find the light!!!!!!!! Stop wasting your life in anger!!!!!! Stop living in the past and messing up the present!!!!!! Focus!!!! Focus!!!!! Stop running away!!!!!! Stop everything that doesn't work and focus on what does!!!!!

Then relax. Then open just one tiny brick in the wall to let a few trustworthy 3D people in.

I believe God will help me with this because God is powerful and God loves me. God thinks I'm worth love. Now it's my turn.

Cindy ]]> General Struggles lifewanderer http://www.christianforums.com/t7416515/ http://www.christianforums.com/t7416485/ Tue, 10 Nov 2009 05:21:48 GMT Hi. im 17 and im about 5'9 which i know doesn't technically qualify as "short".i believe i heard somewhere that thats around average, but ive been short all my life. All through elementary i was easily one of the smallest kids. My height was probably most bothersome during middle school. I was about 4'6-4'7 at age 13 with a projected height of just 5 foot 4.Even though ive never had a growth spurt(never more than 2.5 inches in a year) I have obviously grown well past my potential, but i still feel like that 4'6 shrimp. From ages 12-15 it was always short jokes and people literally not believing how old i was when i told them, it got so bad i eventually started telling people that i was younger than i actually was and putting things in shoes to make me taller(which didnt work). Needless to say ive never had a girlfriend and i havent played organized sports since i was 10. All of the things that ive had to go through simply because of my height have stuck with me and i just cant seem to shake them. My height is always on my mind and its so annoying. I know that men grow until theyre 21 but i still cannot forget the past. There are so many guys out there who have it worse than me but i still feel like a midget. Is it wrong of me to feel this way? Particularly because im not technically a short person. I dont know i guess i just need some good advice. ]]> General Struggles jc9992 http://www.christianforums.com/t7416485/ http://www.christianforums.com/t7415176/ Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:49:18 GMT Okay, the self injury forum has a lot of folks in their whom it seems get triggered to hurt themselves pretty easily, and it is a help forum so asking these questions wouldn't be appropriate there.

When you self injure, is it because you have the need to feel something and you are in a place where you just can't feel anything?

When you self injure, is it because you feel like you need to punish yourself for real or imagined faults in yourself?

When you self injure, is it because the feelings of anger, misery or whatever else are so great that you need a distraction?

Are there other reasons you self injure?

I read something about a condition I may have, but haven't been diagnosed with and it made me think. One of the things that happens is that these folks do self injury too. I tried it once or twice, and the pain was of no use to me in making me feel better or distracting me from the garbage in my head. I used other addictive things to self medicate instead. ]]> General Struggles spazlegs http://www.christianforums.com/t7415176/ http://www.christianforums.com/t7414794/ Tue, 03 Nov 2009 21:48:32 GMT I haven't visited this website in ages. I haven't done anything remotely Christian in ages. I was in a relationship with a man i thought i would be with forever for a year and a half. It has been headed to a break-up for a long time, there was violence, too much drinking and a million things wrong with our relationship on both parts but the break-up has shocked me. He has woken up and relalised it can't go on, i wish i could wake up. I've tried to kill myself when we were together and i still never woke up. I think i would have put up with anything to save our relationship cause i loved him so much and did not want to lose him. I have suffered from depression for years and breaking up with him has left me a total emotional wreck. Spiritually i am a mess. I believe in God but i do not deserve to be called a Christian. I do not talk about my faith with anyone, don't have any Christian friends or go to church, don't even bother to read the bible. All i do now is pray to God in a selfish way when i want something that will make life easier for me. I drink heavily, had premarital sex with my boyfriend who was not a Christian and do so many other things i know are wrong. I seem to have some self-destruct button on and i really don't know how to change it. I read the first bible verse that has stood out to me in ages yesterday that went something along the lines of 'i have plans for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you'. Maybe God has not given up on me yet. I need some really amazing advice cause i can't function just now. ]]> General Struggles Nice Dream http://www.christianforums.com/t7414794/ http://www.christianforums.com/t7413714/ Fri, 30 Oct 2009 17:11:42 GMT Hi, My name is James and I became a Christian in 2009. Since becoming Christian, I never really felt the presence of God in my life or saw anything happen like they would testify at church about, but since then, things have been getting much worse. I definitely experience the supernatural in my... Hi,

My name is James and I became a Christian in 2009.

Since becoming Christian, I never really felt the presence of God in my life or saw anything happen like they would testify at church about, but since then, things have been getting much worse.

I definitely experience the supernatural in my life, but in the negative way. Bad things always happen to me. I mean all the time. If I wasn't a Christian and believed I was protected from curses, I would be convinced I was under one.

It would be different if I felt God was with me and it was something I had to endure, but he hasn't made himself known to me in any way.

And just in case you're wondering, yes I read my bible every night and went to church. I prayed in tongues, spend alot of time with God and always made sacrifices for him.

I don't understand what's happening. The main issue happened in my first church where I was actually kicked out of my music band because someone was talking about me behind my back and made it seem like I was talking bad about someone which wasn't true.

Then at my second church, they basically evicted me out of the church for no legitimate reason, except saying that some people were having complaints about me. Although, it didn't really hit me as hard as the first time because I really didn't feel apart of that church anyway.

Well they were the issues relating to churches directly, but throughout my daily life, things go wrong all the time and I don't know what to do.

I've done everything imaginable to try and get help. Prayer ministries, councelling, but nothing works. I'm constantly looking for someone who can empathize with what I go through, but anyone I ever speak to always tells me wonderful things god is doing for them, and how much they love god.


The truth is, God is driving me to hate him.

I'm always praying to him to help me, to finally give me some relief from this horrible lonely life, but he doesn't seem to want to listen. It feels as though I'm talking to a wall.

Of course, good things sometimes happen to me. I can distinguish, otherwise I would know i would be deceived.

The one thing I hate is how Christian principles don't even apply to my life at all. No matter how much good I do for people, I can never get anyone to be good to me. The law of sowing and reaping that would be right? I'm always on my own. No one wants anything to do with me.

Sometimes I wonder whether the reason god lets all this bad stuff happen to me is because he despises me for doing so much good. As if he was jealous that I'm doing a better job than he was or something, but I know that's ridiculous.

There's alot more to tell, but this is a good start. I'll tell more as I go along.

James ]]> General Struggles james_lee http://www.christianforums.com/t7413714/ http://www.christianforums.com/t7413251/ Wed, 28 Oct 2009 19:41:20 GMT I grew up in a Christian home. I "accepted" Christ at age 10. I do not think it was real though because I was rejecting God & church by my later teenager years. For a while in college I even said I was atheist (although I don't think I was).

I've tried to make Christianity work over the years since then. I was baptized again at 31. Sometimes I've considered myself to be Christian and it sort of worked but I've always felt conflicted with religion and I've always felt like I was not really a true Christian.

At 51, I find myself at a point where I have decided that I am not Christian, probably never have been one and likely never will be.

I've come to realize why I think so.. There are personal reasons (i.e. things about myself) and theological reasons why I decided I was not really Christian....

The personal reasons:

1) I've never felt 'saved'. Christians say that if you are saved you *know* it for sure and I think it makes sense that you would. But I've never really felt like I was saved. Nor have I ever felt like I have a "personal relationship" with Christ.

1a) I've never been different as a Christian vs before I was baptized. My church had a testimony event where they asked each of us to think of how we were changed from before and after becoming Christian (and share it). I could not think of a single way that I was different before and after. My conclusion was that either being Christian doesn't really mean anything or I'm not a Christian.

2) I have sometimes loved my sin. Like everyone has, I had temptations as a Christian. Sometimes I did not give in but far too often, I sinned and (the most important part...), I gave in to it wilfully. I think a true Christian would always put up a struggle against sin even though they will sometimes lose the fiight. Sometimes I did not even try.

From a theological standpoint:

1) I cannot in good conscience say that I believe the Bible is the Word of God. There are too many things I am unwilling to accept as true in it. I do not think a Christian can not believe in the Bible. ]]> General Struggles doubting http://www.christianforums.com/t7413251/ http://www.christianforums.com/t7413078/ Wed, 28 Oct 2009 03:08:54 GMT My therapist today told me that God has forgiven all that I've done. Everything. I want to believe this. I had such self-hate for myself that I assumed God also hated and rejected me. But it is a lonely place inside when I harbor hatred and mistrust. It has been a hard 3 weeks, fighting all that is Christian and fighting God.

So I'd like to start over if that is ok.

I am needing to learn to not push people away. I am needing to learn trust. I am needing to let my guilt and self-hatred and self-destruction go. I want more than anything to learn what it is like to be a caring, trustworthy believer of God.........someone who can relate to people without defense or paranoia.

I really want to trust other human beings. I really need other human beings. It's hard to trust a God when I don't have much experience in trusting people. I don't have much experience in honesty or openness. And I really don't know what boundaries are much either. My Christian therapist helps me a lot with these things. She encouraged me to go back to Celebrate Recovery and start over. She encouraged me also to reach out to the people who I think I can trust at the church I've been going to; to learn how kind human beings act. She thinks it would be really good if I learned that not all people are out to hurt me or use me. She thinks I need some real people to learn from.

Here is my chance to finally know decent honest people and I don't want to throw it all away.

I would like to get to know Christian people and learn that they are not the evil forces I believed them to be. I want to believe that God has forgiven me. I also would like God to see that I'm trying to be kind, I'm trying to be a Christian, and I'm trying to join humanity. I wish God would love me like God seems to love all of you. I know the bible says God loves me. I want to understand that and truly believe it to be true.

Cindy ]]> General Struggles lifewanderer http://www.christianforums.com/t7413078/