Christian Forums - Married Couples

New to this board and just saying hello...

Soulwings — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:02:20 GMT

Hello everyone...

I thought I may as well post an intro since you all seem to know each other pretty well... I am not new to CF - I joined in 2003 - but I am new to the married couples section. My name's April, I am 21, got married last October to a wonderful man that I actually met here at CF. We don't plan to have children - ever - due to genetics, we have a 9 month old kitten named Daniel, and we are currently facing the threat of lay-off from my husband's work (he is the only one working; I'm a 6th year senior at college).

Umm, anything else about me... well, I'm a psych major, and I tutor psych and writing at my college. It brings in a little money, not a lot, but enough for pocket spending. I will be done in August, and am SO looking forward to that!! I also teach violin, and would teach piano if we had a piano in the apartment - I have played violin for 13 years and piano for 16. I love those two jobs, and eventually hope to get a job teaching at a university. Before that, though, I want to work as a therapist. :) It's going to take a little while to achieve these goals, since my husband is planning on going to college starting in the fall, when I will be the one working (eek!!)... but I WILL achieve them. :thumbsup:

For fun, I love to read and write, and I also play World of Warcraft (my husband got me into it in March, and I have been hooked ever since). I used to like to exercise but lately I just haven't had the motivation nor the company to successfully go to the gym and work out. Hopefully sometime soon...

Anyway, that's me. Feel free to introduce yourself here; I look forward to getting to know other people here. :)

Should men be rational or irrational with their wives?

Autumnleaf — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 16:31:27 GMT

A friend of mine who seems to have a happy marriage tells me he never takes what his wife says seriously for any length of time because women often change their minds. For instance, he'll ask his wife if she wants to go to a movie and she'll say 'no thanks' then he'll sweep her off her feet and kiss her deeply and say 'lets go to the movies', then she says 'Ok!'

Is this the right way to go about such things, just something that works for some people, or is it how a loving husband should be?

Difficulty learning to submit

HisLittleHazelnut — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 21:36:40 GMT

I very recently (less than two weeks ago) got married to a wonderful man whom I have been in a relationship with for five years. I do love him and want to honor him but the hard part is I have most often been the strong person in our relationship. Now that he is my husband, I want to learn how to submit to him, but it's difficult.

Ours will, by need, be a role reversal relationship. He has Tourette's syndrome so bad that he writhes on the floor quite often at the slightest bit of stress, as well as Asperger's syndrome and panic attacks which cause the tics to get even worse. Because of this, he is unable to work. I am going to be the one who is the breadwinner. My family was totally against our marriage for the reason that it would cause our roles to be reversed. Fortunately, he's willing to cook and clean the house, so I won't be stuck doing this as well.

If there are any wives here that have disabled husbands, how have you learned to submit to him when you are the one bringing in the bacon? What can I do to help him feel like the spiritual head of the household? Often it's very spiritual questions that get him anxious and worried. I am trying to support him and get him to earn the answers on his own, and when we disagree on a decision I am trying to acquiesce to his decision, but sometimes (and I've recognized it) I've found myself not just being there to support him but practically bossing him around and I don't want him to turn into the henpecked husband. How can I avoid this?

Are there any bible study books that have helped any of you ladies learn the submission process better? Let me know.

Men, if you have any tips for me, feel free to post as well.

Is my wife choosing the church over us?

royaltybyadoption — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 03:44:27 GMT

Hi everyone. I'm new here, but glad to see such a diverse group of believers (and some non-believers as well) in one forum.

I don't know which type of Christian I would align myself with. I've known God for 19 years. I treasure my relationship with Him. However, like many here I've been burned by different churches in the past. Partly myself to blame for that as I know I can be overly-sensitive to authority figures.
My wife (who is Japanese) and I live in Japan and have two children together. She goes to a local church and is involved in various activities such as Sunday morning youth worship and singing on the worship team.

Because of my work, I am unable to attend the Sunday worship. However, to be honest, I'm would not be interested in attending even if I were not working.

Why? I find the services unedifying. It's party a cultural thing, but mostly it's because they insist on singing 150-year-old hymnals in archaic language and the structure is extremely formal. I find it stifling. The messages from the pulpit are rudimentary and unpractical.

The other members are nice, but they seem to be locked in to a pattern of thinking that seems based on legalities rather than an openness. Meaning: I always get the feeling they want me to perform more for their church (rather then just wanting to talk to another human being for the love of it.)

In the last year, my wife, along with the worship team leader have both taken it upon themselves to try to get me to be a part of the church more. They asked me to come and give them advice regarding certain worship songs (I used to be a worship music leader.) However, it turned out they never wanted advice but rather wanted me to join the team and play more of a part in the church membership.
I felt that was a bit deceiving.
Yesterday my wife and I had a heated disagreement when she once again announced she would be spending all of Christmas Eve at the church with their worship team rather than at home with me and the children. I had requested we could have Christmas Eve as a family event because it's the only event I have over here as part of my culture. We had agreed on that last year, but she forgot and now won't back out of the church service.

She says she feels I'm trying to steal her happiness by trying to get her away from the church. I don't want that. I want her to be happy, but just the one day of the year?
Am I being too harsh?

I know I'm not the best husband. I have apologized to her for my shortcomings. She can go and enjoy the Christmas Eve "celebration" at the church and I will bring to kids to take part. But every year the Eve event goes on and on and on and everyone is so somber with melancholic group prayer that continues for hours. My son and I don't find anything in that to identify with and my younger daughter just goes off to a back room to draw pictures with another girl. It doesn't feel like any Christmas I know. And we certainly don't do much as a family.
I would rather stay home and play games, maybe some bible reading and a short prayer time. Have some food with candles, etc.
But when I suggest that, she becomes defensive saying I'm just bitter about the church.

Wedding plans and making everyone happy...

Cright — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 16:49:42 GMT

Okay... I'm asking this for my sister E and her boyfriend M.

She has always envisioned a big wedding, a reception with dinner and a first dance and the whole thing...

Her bf wants to elope and come back and send out announcements and be done with it.

So to compromise she said, if we have a private wedding will you have a party (not wedding reception style, just a party to celebrate with friends). He agreed. Here's where it gets tuff...

By private she meant their mom's and siblings... by private he meant JUST the two of them. She asked my opinion....

I said that I think that at a minimum they should have their mom's there. (being as they want to and they gave them life). Fine if they don't want siblings (although I'd be sad to miss it). Also, I think she should have the mom's as witnesses since you legally have to have 2 in our state anyway. Why not have them instead of strangers?

He said to my sister "I'll do whatever you want, but I'll be miserable".

Ultimatly it will be up to E and M... but she's crying because she knows whatever she does at this point, people are going to be upset. She wants to make sure she doesn't upset her husband on what is also HIS wedding day, but can't imagine having the day with out our mom there either.

What would you do?

Facebook... Do or Don't ?!?!

ILUVMYHUBBS — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 14:40:37 GMT

Are many of you married couples are on Facebook? AND... if you are... have you ever had any negative experiences? I'm asking because... I just got on like a month ago & my husband, deep down rather that I didn't, but I did. Our marriage has been through the ringer & for some reason people are sooo interested in our lives... well.. my husband thought by me being on Facebook, someone would one day bring up something about our past..like 3 yrs. ago... WELL... sure enough someone did.... So I'm deleting my page, but I'm a stay-at-home-mom & it's like my social outlet... I do work one day a week, just to get out. My husband would really prefer me not be on anyway.. and he said that I should maybe find playdates for my daughter, so we can get out! Ultimately.. it's about protecting my marriage...at ALL cost!!! I was just wondering what some of you thought about the situation & your experiences with Facebook. Thanks & God Bless

Is Love really a choice?

Browneyes84 — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 04:26:17 GMT

Before I was married, a lady who I know once told me that love is a choice because you have to choose to continue loving your spouse for the rest of your life. It isn't a "feeling" by itself, although romantic and companionate feelings will be present.

After being married for a year, I would say this makes sense...but how is loving someone by choice differ from falling in love with them, and being in love with them?

I was once told that love is not a choice, and you either love someone, or you don't.

In your opinion, how does this fit into the context of marriage? After all, isn't it possible to fall out of love, but still choose to love someone because you have made a lifelong commitment to them?

Age Gap Frustrations

believetheunseen — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 00:31:08 GMT

Hi all.
As you can tell by looking at my info, I'm 22 and married. I married my high school sweetheart 3 years ago at the age of 19. We had been dating since I was 14. Our marriage is happy, and gets happier every day!
So the reason for the post is my SIL. She got married two years after we did at the age of 38. She is a very strong, independent, career driven woman. I have always thought the world of her, I think she's smart and beautiful, and she did what was right for her in waiting for the right man. I have never once thought negatively about her decision to marry later on in life.
However, she has made it quite clear that she views my getting married young as a not-so-smart plan. I was later told that she was angry that we even considered getting married before her. Which I understood the pain that might occur when your younger brother ties the knot before you do. But it seemed to get worse after she got married. She now tries to give me marital advice about things that we don't struggle with in the slightest, she makes slight comments about "20 somethings" and sometimes talks about her brother (my husband) as being immature. I have never asked for advice or mentioned anything that would suggest the need for advice, we rarely see her so she doesn't "see" our marriage. My husband is not only a top engineer at a local company, but is also an extremely kind and intelligent man, who in my opinion is very mature (though I will admit he plays video games). And we have never done anything warranting a "you are 20 something and don't know what you are doing" comment, at least in the instances where she likes to pipe in.
Now, I know that some on this forum will agree with her about the getting married young thing. I've seen it for the past few years of watching this site. Comments such as "you don't know yourself at a certain age" or "men don't know what they want until they are 25", etc. are things I have read many times on this site. I understand where everyone is coming from; my generation is full of idiots. But, I do get frustrated feeling the need to defend my marriage (and myself) when I am so blessed by what the Lord has done in my life.
I guess this was a post with two purposes; I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions or ideas on why my SIL is still acting this way, and if it will ever stop. I have been successfully putting it aside in my mind for 3 years, and with prayer I'm sure I can do it again, but if anyone had some advice on that, I would appreciate it.
Also, I guess I would just like to petition to those who use this site to be kind with their comments. As much as I know not to take things personally on this site, sometimes the things I see typed hurt. But please, don't rampage on this part of it, it's just a personal request that will most likely be rejected. I know the statistics don't seem to fall in my favor. I accept that without any hostility. I'm happily married and I "know who I am".
Thank you for reading. If you have any questions that might further your answer, I'm glad to oblige.

I'm terrified that it was a mistake

Kaitmeister — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 07:43:23 GMT

I don't post here often, but for the last few days I've been worrying about something that I'm still afraid to say to my husband.

My husband and I got married 4 months ago, when I was a month shy of my 21st birthday. We dated for one year before we got married, but we "knew" it was right.

I messaged a male friend a prayer request a few days ago, and he and I started chatting. I caught myself thinking that this was someone I would consider dating if I were single. This scared me, a lot. For the last several days I've been in a panic, asking myself if getting married so young is a mistake, if we rushed into it, and what we do now. I still lived with my mom when we got married, and I didn't take the time to go out and live life on my own. I'm afraid that I wanted to be a bride so badly that I convinced myself that I was ready to be a wife when I wasn't.

I suppose I just need some encouragement and prayer. I'm really afraid that I made a huge mistake that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Thank you.

Encouraging dads to be more involved..how?

overit — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 21:37:20 GMT

I didn't know where the best place to post this was...but I know there's more men in this area, some re-married that might be able to share their views.

My exh is one of the proverbial "slacker dads"....in addition to how I was treated, he happens to fall in the "narcissistic" spectrum....so he really cares a lot about himself, rarely thinking of others, even his own children.
I guess I'm wanting to know as I explain the situation a bit....am I just out of luck, let it go and do my best with them as I do now or if there's any point or reason to keep encouraging involvement? Are they better off w/out much of him around?

In the last 6 years-he's missed nearly 20 months of time he had to visit with his sons. He's also missed almost half of those years in paying support. His recent stunt is 3 months w/out paying. Now my ex does not have a very high payment to make.. but that payment at least made things liveable. I pay a mortgage (not an expensive house-very modest) and car..but the kids eat more, they need clothes, hair cuts, etc...I do not spoil them and we live frugally. And really he's just lazy he chooses consantly to quit jobs, or works sporadically or under the table. He lives only 30 mins away from them-yet seems to be even the "every other wknd" is much of an effort for him. He goes into financial disaster and can barely afford anything-NOT because of the economy but because at 43 yrs old he chooses to not improve his situation and hold steady jobs (does not like authority, bosses, people "telling him what to do", etc..you get the picture).

Over the years-even when he hasn't contributed I've still encouraged him to spend more time with his boys-recently as my kids are now 8 and 10 I've reiterated they are at an age that they need more involvement...yet he continues to make excuses..my car broke and I'm using someone's borrowed car, my jobs, my finances, lack of vacation time (yet when he does have vacation he chose to vacation w/out his kids and travel to see his family out of the country or w/his now ex gf).

He's missed games, school events, conferences, special Holidays, never took the weeks in summer given to him, or the alternated spring/winter breaks.....always some excuse. Yet when you call him on it he gets defensive and says it's NOT because I don't want to....umm..ok.

My 10 yr old is starting to get more of those wonderful testosterone surges...he's also beginning to verbalize more that he's discontent w/his father...thigns like the other dads are better, my dad doesn't do things like that with me, etc...so I know he's hurting badly.

Yet when his wknd is here they never want to go with him....he rarely calls in between his wknds and when he does the kids dont' want to talk (i mostly ensure they do anyway). So it's this dysfunctional back/forth...he's not involved and when he does call/take them they don't want to go so he gets discouraged that the kids don't like him. It's heartbreaking.

At least they get to see their grandfather (my dad) on a regular basis-my brother was more involved but recently married so we haven't seen him as much. They're starting bskbtball soon and the coaches are always great. And though I've been single and had some relationships through the years I haven't found a "keeper'-nor did I want to-too busy healing from the past and also providing stability and full focused parent to them. So I haven't had any of my dates around my kids at all. My romantic life was kept seperate from my life with them because I felt it was the best thing for them.

Now I"m finally getting out there again...I'm in a relationship that's started very slowly-been 5 months and just the other day my kids and his girl met for the first time...we still dont' know where this is headed but I do know this man is a lot more involved in his childs life then mine is...and it does not deter him that I have my boys. He knows the story w/my ex and lack of involvement also.

My ex will constantly threaten to go back home to his country/family since he "can't make it here". I keep telling him whatever you do-you need to keep in mind first and foremost your sons and their well-being and their needs. My kids often tell me "why did you marry dad-we wanted another dad". Of course I tell them he loves them-I have never bad mouthed him-I always encourge them to go see him and spend time...I also now that they are older open up more and reassure their feelings-and say I know he's not perfect, I now you wish he were someone else then he is-but he is who he is-and he does love you. I'm sorry it upsets you. I can only validate their feelings while walkign that thin line of not adding to their grief but not discounting what they are now clearly seeing and feeling. I tell them well if I hadn't married him I wouldn't have you guys-and what on earth would I do if I didn't have you two handsome, wonderful boys. My whole family is careful not to badmouth him...my mom will often say you guys are such handsome kids....just like your dad is handsome....stuff like that. It's hard on all of us. I don't know-I realize this is so long and rambling, just venting I guess or looking for some suggestions.

I know my ex is misogynistic..so he won't listen to me or my mom. I keep thinking my dad or my brother needs to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with him and lay things out man to man. It's just so heartbreaking.

The good thing is this new relationship I have has potential....they also are eccstatic about the prospect of me seeing someone/dating...as they say "they want a stepdad". Personally I do not know that I ever want to remarry (for another post), but would like a steady relationship w/someone and might even consider living with someone-just not sure I can do the "paper" thing-but let's try to leave that aside for a moment.....basically they need another male role model in their life and I would like the companionship. BUT I"m treading slow-as I don't want to mesh our lives w/our kids until it's absolutely committed...they don't need the extra pain of having someone and then not.

On the other hand they never liked the girl my ex was seeing..I think they feel it's disloyal to me-or they blame him for the divorce, or it's because their relationship w/me is very secure so they know if I meet someone they are still my priority-they aren't threatened. Their relationship w/him is so distant that another person may create more distance...not to mention his previous relationship was angst ridden and not healthy-that's the only relationships they've seen him have-hence their apprehension. He doesn't keep a revolving door w/them....doesn't drink or do drugs around them and they go to church on ocassion....so it could be worse I guess. Sighhhh....just sitting here upset about this whole thing and not sure how to proceed.

Remembering that your spouse is your best friend

Niffer — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 16:06:42 GMT

There was a stage my hubby and I went through, not so long ago, where we were bickering about everything!
Someone would say something and the other would pounce on it. And a big 'ol ugly argument would erupt from one tiny dumb comment.

I'm sure we've all been there before.

It got to a point where we had just finished and apologized for our latest argument, and we looked at eachother and wondered why we were behaving that way.

Lots of reasons sprang to mind:
- Unemployment
- Money
- Lonliness of having no family/friends in a new, big city
- Sexual frustration on both sides (agruing effectivly killed all sexy moods)
- Stress
- Worry

We made a whole list as to why we were treating eachother horribly. None of which was actually personal.

Finally, after many tears on my part (I'm a huge crier. It's embaressing) I told him that he was not only my husband, but my best friend.
The person I want to be around the most, play with, have fun with and confide in.
Remembering that really saved us. For a good month and a half it was horrible, but as soon as I started treating him like my friend again - the change happened almost overnight.

My best friend wouldn't hurt me intentionally, and visa versa.
If he said something that offended me, I should probably ask him to explain it more, before assuming he was trying to hurt me and jumping all over it.

Having come through that though has made us stronger than ever.

A hard lesson learned, but I'm glad I can still say I'm married to my best friend.

- Niff

Question for married people.

DougyP — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 15:56:05 GMT

What was your state of mind before you got married? No no, not how did you feel. What did you have to learn or come to realize before you could ask the question or feel comfortable saying yes to it?

Most annoying habit!

EmmyGV — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 15:09:45 GMT

:clap: We all have them....:D....annoying habits!!!

What do you find the most annoying habit your of you spouse? :P

My husband for example is obsessed with clean teeth. (which is actually really good of course).
But after every little nibble to eat he starts flossing his teeth.. I have told him off for doing it at the table though...

Now beat that :D

Different Pages

Lazerboy — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 11:56:16 GMT

A few nights ago I realized that my wife and I are on different pages when it comes to the marriage-subject.

I have long been schooled in the complimentarian thought-train. I believe that my wife and I are to different roles in our marriage: I am to be the leader, and she is to follow me. I look at this way: God has given me the responsibility to provide for, protect and lead my family. My wife is to counsel me, respect me, submit to me, and serve me. She is to be my helper as I manage the family. The Bible, I believe, clearly teaches that I am to lead my family and wife in the same way as Jesus loves the Church. My wife is to follow me out of respect for Jesus.

She, however, sees things differently. She has learned the egalitarian approach. She believes that we are to be equal partners in our marriage. We are to lead the family together. She thinks that in some things I should be the leader, while in other things she knows more, and better, and so should lead. It's her view that we are to submit to each other. She thinks we should both manage the family. It's her view that we are to be helpers for each other. She thinks that's the best way we can serve Jesus together.

In posting this thread, I'm really not looking for a discussion about which view is correct and which view is not. The former view is clearly supported by Scripture. My real question is this: given that she holds the latter view, how can we best function together as husband and wife?

Spouse doing

Hosannainthehighest — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 09:49:54 GMT

What is your spouse doing right now while you are on cf?...

Mine's asleep on the couch in the lounge